hatedates

Send a number for our muses to do something fluffy!

➊ Go on a hatedate
➋ Cuddle in bed
➌ Build a pillow fort
➍ Buy each other roses
➎ Eat out in a special restaurant
➏ Read fluffy fanfiction of their favorite ships
➐ Sing karaoke
➑ Give each other a massage
➒ Taking care of their sick partner
➓ Watch a sappy movie together

 

anonymous asked:

..Did you not read that conversation between John, Dave and Karkat where Dave was visibly jealous by Karkat bringing up his past black crush on John? Or remember when Dave broke up with Terezi BECAUSE he was uncomfortable with her dating Gamzee at the same time? Also that part about penis ouija, right before that Karkat had a conversation where he said he wanted her "in every quadrant" specifically so that he "could have her all to himself" and compared it to joke characters in troll romcoms

A. I don’t think it’s that uncommon for a person to get jealous or flustered or whatever when their partner brings up an old flame or crush

B. Dave broke up with Terezi because she didn’t tell him she was also hatedating Gamzee and he didn’t understand it.

C.That doesn’t really factor into potential polyamory but rather highlights Karkat’s weird obsession and idealization of Terezi

Okay so I saw that there was a coffeeshop au thing going around maybe and…

Bartimaeus and the other spirits work there. Barti is a sassy waiter, maybe sometimes spits in the food of people who are rude but does his job mainly with a smile and then gossips about the worst customers all the time. Despite all the outside rudeness anyone that he gets attached to will have him as their best friend, big brother, or both after a short time. He also flirts when he thinks that’s going to get him more money, or if (heaven forbid) he likes that particular person. Usually it is the former, but everyone can see his ‘thing’ for two overworked boys… Faquarl works in the kitchen, glares at everyone, and probably would have gotten fired a long time ago if he weren’t the best damn chef/coffee maker around. Jabor is probably hired only because he’s good looking and attracts more paying customers; he’s there to be eye candy, not because he can actually do anything. Queezle is there to just be generally nice all the time, and smile at the nice customers and gossip with Bart. But she’s also pretty sarcastic and could easily hold her own in a sass off against Bartimaeus.

The whole place used to be owned by an old couple, the Underwoods, especially Martha, who worked with a smile and was loved by all the customers. But after a tragic kitchen fire (most likely caused by Jabor’s antics, but that was never really proved, so he kept his job), she and her husband died, but the place was popular enough that it was rebuilt under new management. 

The new management in question was a group of business people, Sholto Pinn, (did I spell that right probably not) Jessica Whitwell, Mr. Devraux (That was defiantly spelled wrong I am so sorry), and some others. They take the place from ‘down to earth, friendly family coffee shop’ to ‘chic, interesting, hip place to be’. 

This attracts new customers. One of them is Nat Underwood, who’s grandparents were the previous owners. But he doesn’t say anything about that and comes in as this arrogant prick who’s almost always there, swamped with work from his school or something. He’s rude to the staff, with a particular hatred for Bartimaeus, and always demands to be served quicker, faster, because he’s always in a hurry. But then he might be a bit nicer, and everyone knows that he’s always rude because he’s swamped with work; the poor kid has absolute bags under his eyes all the time, and they feel a tiny bit sorry for him. Also, even though he seems to hate Barty, he’s also taking hours of Bartimaeus’ time up, making the poor server talk to him even though, hey, my shift ended five minutes ago kid, and everyone suspects that he probably has a crush on him. Also, everyone makes fun of him because he orders frou frou drinks and takes them with just about ten sugars but hey, that’s how he likes it. To get back at the teasing he gets the blackest most bitter coffee and drains it in one gulp and everyone just stares there like… what. And he just gives and exasperated sigh and goes back to his book or his work. 

Kitty comes in because she’s curious and ends up their best customer. She drinks black coffee to seem tough but really does like sweet stuff the best. Especially chocolate eclairs. Yum. As time goes by the staff gets really attached to her and she starts hanging out with the wrong crowd and they’re all really worried, especially Bartimaeus, who is sort of like her older brother at that point. At some point she has this awful boyfriend who yells at her and she yells back and they probably get in a horrible fight and break everything and she has this awful black eye but the other guy is worse and they end up having to drag the both of them out of it. She and Nathaniel meet and they start out enemies but then sort of become friends and even start dating but it was awkward and even Kitty can tell that Nat is gay and so they break up but stay friends.

Jane comes in every morning, is insanely rude to everyone there, and buys the most expensive coffee on the menu with about one million specifications and if they don’t get it perfectly right then she’ll yell. She has a strange allergy to things like chocolate, and if any of that gets NEAR her coffee she will yell and scream and threaten. People hate her, the staff hates her, but the owners know her personally and so they will never let any one kick her out. Also, she tips insanely well, so they tolerate her. She and Nathaniel go to the same school, but she’s two years ahead of him, and only talks to him when she wants something from him. Which is… all the time. They date for a while too, but that ends in a mysterious breakup that Nat won’t tell anyone about.

Ptolemy is… A strange customer. He sits in the back and always has a book, or two, or three. He doesn’t like coffee at all and no one is sure why he’s even there but he buys pastries and is insanely nice to everyone so no one can even think about complaining. He and Barti have an on again off again relationship; Bartimaeus is smitten as a lovestruck puppy but he’s also looking out for Ptolemy in every way he knows how, and also has quite the tendency to be rude and sarcastic to the people he cares about most and Ptolemy sometimes can’t take that. So they’ll break up. And get back together. And break up. He goes to a prestigious school and everyone knows that he’s going to be successful as hell but right now he’s also pretty poor. Occasionally, he even gets a job there for a while but then he’ll get fired (the bosses don’t like him that much, for whatever reason) or quit, and start the process over. At some point in his relationship with Barti he gets in an accident and Bart can’t save him and… Wow, that’s just the worst thing that had ever happened to the poor kid and no one knows what to do for the longest time. His relationship with Nathaniel is strange; he likes the kid that he was, but hates the ambitious, rude thing that Nat became. But with Kitty he’s nice and she’s nicer to him than anyone, really, even if she is a little tiny bit jealous of what he has.

Piper is Nathaniel’s little fangirl. Well, maybe. She’s an underclassman at the school that he goes to and everyone thinks that they’re siblings. She follows him around and probably wants to be him, but she also knows that he’s a total dick all the time. She loves the coffeeshop, and always gets the most caffeinated, sugary thing she can get her hands on. After all, it takes a lot of energy to put up with Nat.

Asmira is Bartimaeus’ civil worker little sister who comes in to the shop and makes it known that she hates the place and the decor and how much she hates Barti in general but she always stays and eventually everyone sees how great she really is even if she does call the place the breeding ground for sniveling anarchists. She and Kitty have sort of a hatedate relationship. Well, at first. They obviously have opposite views on everything but they’re not really so different and they end up being best friends and maybe a little bit more…

The only other regular at the coffeeshop is this mysterious guy Verroq who never talks to anyone that doesn’t talk to him first and isn’t nice at all when he does. Everyone thinks that he’s a murderer, but hey, business is business, and so he gets served his black coffee and he downs it in one gulp and then he’s off, and everyone just sort of… stares in silence until he’s gone.  

Okay, wow that’s a huge post I am so sorry. But yeah I just love that idea so I went wild with it.

This seems promising.

oh my god, karkat. Two lines in and I’m losing it already.

This is a work of fucking art. I’m gonna print this entire thing out and nail it to my door so I can look at it evert morning and remember that I can never hope to write dialogue this good. I have no words.

asdfkglmnopldorgfltbrm

this is the best fucking thing i’ve ever laid eyes upon. holy shit

Of course John would be so nonchalant about it. You can just see Karkat staring blankly at the screen as his train of thought gets violently thrown off its rails after a direct collision with the phrase “hi karkat!”.  It’s wonderful.

Poor guy. His fate had been sealed the moment he attempted contact with John Human, Friendship Specialist Extraordinaire. Now the microscopic worms of this disease are nesting deep inside his brain, rotting it slowly. The illness has claimed another victim.

An aside: oh god will this bug get off my desk arleady. Sir. Madame. Excuse me but could you get off? Please? You need to get off. I’m trying to write a reaction here and you’re rather killling the mood. No, this is neither an exit nor the moon, it’s my fucking computer screen and knocking yourself against it won’t help you in any endeavor I can imagine.

So here’s Karkat, subtly dancing around inviting John to a romantic hatedate, candles and all. And what is John’s response?

Ouch. Poor guy.

Karkat that doesn’t even make sense. You okay dude

Oh man, this whole thing. There’s Karkat getting kismesisblocked, again. There’s him running out of complex metaphors and collapsing in a puddle of fuck you’s. There’s “see you soon”, which can only mean they’re gonna meet at some point and THANK GOD I’VE BEEN WORRIED THEY’D BE STUCK IN SEPARATE PLANES OF EXISTENCE FOREVER. I was so concerned about this, because between the backwards trolling, the miscommunications and half the trolls refusing to communicate there haven’t been many chances to form linear relationships and if the last John heard of Karkat was some shitty trolling attempt from minute 1 it would break my heart into a million pieces. So thank every possible deity that isn’t happening. Can’t wait for them to actually meet.

In conclusion, this is my favorite log so far and I am in fact convinced that God made this world solely so this piece of text could one day be written.

  • ROXY: john i know all about ur little hatecrush on cranky rubyshades
  • JOHN: what!! i--- dave's lying to you he's just trying to mess with me!!
  • ROXY: dude it was just from observation
  • JOHN: what?? shit!
  • ROXY: yea u get mad nervous around each other like theres somethin u dont wanna acknowledge
  • JOHN: augh... dammit. yeah. i think its true....
  • JOHN: sorry roxy :( i love you a lot and didnt wanna mess up what we have
  • ROXY: lmfao
  • JOHN: ??
  • ROXY: dude its ok i know how the troll shit works im p open minded about it what w/ bein raised by chess ppl in neo troll land
  • JOHN: ...what are you suggesting?
  • ROXY: u can go on ur lil hatedates with scarf girl im not gonna dump u cause its a different thing
  • JOHN: :o
  • ROXY: but only if u let me hatedate ur sister---
  • JOHN: WHAT
  • ROXY: john ur sister is damn fine but also annoying as shit i want to kiss her
  • JOHN: IS EVERYONE GAY???
  • ROXY: bisexual lol
Caliborn thinks he's being clever, AKA hatedate with Eridan

Caliborn had been planning for this for quite a while now, but he hadn’t thought this step through. He was honestly shit at coming up with dates and while he wouldn’t admit it out loud, he knew it. It made him a little nervous that he hadn’t thought about this first part of the date and he was hoping that his nervousness didn’t show. Eridan was bringing candles for some reason and he didn’t know what he expected. He couldn’t cook for shit, so during the preparations he slipped out of his respiteblock and managed to successfully alchemize food this time. Food that wasn’t just disgusting goo and grease in a bad. Alchemized McDonald’s food, he remembered enjoying it on Earth so he figured, why not? He made ten burgers for himself and a kid’s meal for Eridan, which included small fries and a single chicken nugget.

He brought it back to the room and tossed the toy out of the obnoxiously colored box, replacing it with a single brick. That should do nicely.

He had already run preparations in his little torture chamber and everything was in place. The biggest issues at hand were the initial date and getting him there. He wished himself luck and shot a message Eridan’s way to let him know he was ready for him to show up.

– unmitigatedUmbrage [uu] began jeering calibornsAquarium [CA] –

uu: HEY. JACKASS.
uu: EVERYTHING IS READY. GET YOuR FAT ASS OVER HERE.
uu: AND DON’T SET ANYTHING ON FIRE WITH THOSE STuPID CANDLES YOu’RE BRINGING. OR WHATEVER.

-unmitigatedUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering calibornsAquarium [CA] –

anyone who really thinks terezi would go thru to the new universe and be ~satisfied~ hatedating john and never like even spare a thought for vriska doesnt understand terezi at all