hate-people-not-life

also in the space of, like, 10 days, I have had one girl i barely know just straight up blindside me by asking for pronouns in the middle of motherfucking gym class and like I hate lying so I was honest and said they/them so I guess it’s nice that she’ll use them now but I wasn’t expecting to have to come out okay, especially to her because already think she’s annoying. and second!! today I kind of panicked and tried to come out to one of my friends and I literally think she just ignored me!!!!!! i said it in a rush and really near hysterically so maybe she just didn’t hear me? or maybe she’s dismissing it? because for the rest of the day she just acted like it hadn’t happened at all and idk what to think

i swear to fuck. i hate how being trans affects my life and interactions with other people irl and just makes me a mess most of the time

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.