hate fun

all offense but if you’re a part of fandom culture in any way and you’re obsessed with who’s the most “popular” and “relevant” blogs and you perpetuate the idea of a “social pyramid” within a communitiy and are acting like you’re apart of some high school cliche then you’re literally five years old

House Stereotypes

Ravenclaw: Books, school, I MUST HAVE ALL TOP GRADES ANYTHING LESS THAN 100% ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH.

Gryffindor: It’s not fun unless you die.

Hufflepuff: I just want lunch, please.

Slytherin: I’m willing to kill a man for a potato chip.

Actual Houses

Ravenclaw: Yeah, I failed that course, but it’s fine, I had a nice stroll through the Forbidden Forest.

Gryffindor: Right well, I’d love to endanger my life, but we could also not do that?

Hufflepuff: I haven’t slept in two days because they said I couldn’t do it, but I refuse to lose.

Slytherin: Can everyone please stop yelling? We can just talk everything out, it’ll all be fine, and then we can get back to painting landscapes, okay?

Basically the same thing

We’re playing a game based in the country of Skyrim and we had just reached Riverwood. I’m playing an Imperial rogue and I entered the general store with our Khajit bard.

Bard - “Hello, sir. We would like to purchase some health potions.”

Lucan (store owner) - “Of course, that’ll be 50 gold per potion!”

Me - “That seems like an awful lot, I don’t suppose you could reduce the price a bit?” *Cue nat 20 persuasion*

Lucan - “Well you seem like nice folk, I suppose I could reduce the price to… 10 gold each, let’s say.”

Bard - “Perfect! We will buy 15 potions good sir.”

*money transaction*

Ooc me - “I wanna roll to steal more potions.”

Ooc Bard - “Yeah! I’ll distract him with a performance and you can pickpocket!”

DM - “You know what, just roll…”

*18 performance and 21 sleight of hand*

DM - “Okay, so you steal 3 more potions and all your money back too.”

Ooc Bard - “Sweet! I’m headed to the inn.”

Me ic - “Lucan, was it? Is there anything you need done? Perhaps anything you had taken? *referring to Golden Claw quest*

Lucan - “Wow, how oddly specific yet relevant! I had a golden claw stolen by bandits just the other day! I would appreciate some help getting it back!”

Me - “Oh, you mean this?” Ooc - “I hand him a crowbar.”

DM - “Okay, first off fuck you. Second, you’re gonna have disadvantage on that roll.”

Me - *proceeds to get 23 and 21 on deception*

DM - “fuck you, he might get a 20 on insight.” *rolls a 3*

Lucan - “Wow, it seems smaller than when I last saw it! Thank you for getting this back to me! Where did you find it?”

Me - “Just on some bandits.” Ooc - “That’s true, I found this in the mine we just cleared out.”

DM - “Fuck you, I hope your character dies.”

Lucan - “Thank you so much! Here, take this reward!”

DM - “Add 400 gold to your inventory, and fuck you.”

Me - “Just doing good as always sir! Have a fine day.” Ooc - “I pickpocket my crowbar back.”

DM who is done with me at this point - “Just fucking roll.”

*rolls with my 20 dexterity and double proficiency sleight of hand* - 26

DM - “You get your crowbar back and fuck you.”

september 1, 2017. the final scene in harry potter. catch me wearing as much merch as i can because once it’s september 2, the series will have officially taken place in the past.

6

refute the claim of smooth strilondes and replace it with absolute flustered messes of strilondes whose lovers are 864209 times smoother than they are
based on a convo i had with @undanewneon lmao

Unicorns

Today was my first D&D session as a DM, and to commemorate the occasion I convinced friends who have never played a tabletop RPG before to hop in and make characters. There were a lot of highlights, but the MVP of this session was our Half-Orc Fighter, Chadwick.

Now Chadwick’s background is that of a disgraced model. He’s a surprisingly gorgeous half-orc man who achieved lower level fame and riches in a lavish city. However, in a street-racing chariot incident, he crashed into the menagerie and killed the last known unicorn. Since that scandal, he is unwelcome in his home city and thus is on a quest to prove the unicorn species still survives, and recover his reputation.

At the tavern the party met at, he was following a lead on a man named Walsh who sells unicorn horns.

Chadwick: Are those the unicorn horns?
Me: Make a perception check. (He rolls low) They look like unicorn horns to you.
Chadwick: How much money do I have?
Me: 25 gold.
Chadwick: I turn to him and ask to have one.
Me as Walsh: I wouldn’t be in business if I just handed this shit out for pennies! It’s 300 gold or scram, son.
Chadwick: I pick him up and slam his face into the table.
Me: Fucking hell, alright, roll to attack. (He rolls high, deals 5 damage) You bash Walsh’s head down onto the table and one of his teeth is knocked right out.
Chadwick: I tell Walsh to give me a unicorn horn.
Me: He’s groaning and trying to staunch the blood coming out of his mouth. “God damn it! Fine if you want one take one. They’re not even real ya bastard. My cousin up the Sword Coast hunts narwhals, alright?”
Chadwick: I take a narwhal horn. Also, his tooth.
Me: His what?
Chadwick: The tooth I knocked out. I take it off the table, put it in my pocket, and wink. Then I walk away.
Me: ….Walsh is now reevaluating his line of work.

Chadwick later killed a snake with the narwhal horn, and started making a habit out of collecting trophies from bodies. His inventory currently contains Walsh’s tooth, 4 snake fangs, centipede mandibles, and the trachea of a green hag.

He ripped out the trachea with his teeth.

There was an…incident…involving the cat jumping onto my desk straight into my mixing palette of liquid ink, and me dropping my brush right into the middle of this…

[I’ve decided not to kill myself trying to keep up with inktober - I just have too much going on right now <3]

So my dad and I started a list of hilarious plot holes this season and please feel free to add on

  • Gendry’s marathon: absurd distance, no training or exposure to environment, no equipment
  • Jon and Sansa don’t discuss major initiatives before they speak to northern lords
  • Jon and Sansa have no small council
  • “Lingerfinger”
  • Olenna’s lack of escape plan from Highgarden, the Tyrell house seat where she lived her entire life
  • Jaime falling into deep water that was previously shallow then landing SOMEWHERE along the shore in full armor
  • Daenerys and Tyrion didn’t ask where Jaime, the most valuable hostage and Lannister commander, went
  • Yara’s fleet gets surrounded by Euron somewhere in the ocean despite naval prowess and didn’t see him on the horizon
  • Euron’s fastest ship building and travel ever
  • Blatant defiance of time/space continuum
  • Bran emo, non-communicative, and creepy
  • Arya and Sansa fighting over knitting despite the impending doom of humanity and political pressure from Daenerys and Cersei
  • Jon, the King in the North, hasn’t communicated with Queen Regent or family for weeks
  • bag-a-wight
  • bro squad standing on a random rock in the middle of a lake
  • bro squad didn’t wear hats/hoods but suffered one casualty from cold-related issue
  • no one gives a fuck that Jorah came back from dragonscale, a terminal Westerosi plague, unscathed
  • Rhaegar’s annulment
  • Jon’s lack of response to Arya and Bran’s arrival at Winterfell
  • the Hound throwing a stone at the wights, then the wights realizing the lake was frozen
  • ice javelin; Viserion retrieval chain
  • the Night King didn’t throw the ice javelin at bro squad overnight
  • Daenerys tells Jon to bend the knee but offers Cersei a wight
  • Cersei content with pregnancy despite the prophecy