John Adams: You can beat John Adams, and frankly I think you should. He is tiny and angry and a ball of unconstitutional rage. Just point out the Alien and Sedition Acts and you’ve already won half the battle. Sit the fuck down, John.
Benjamin Franklin: Don’t do it. Not only is he a kindly old man, but he’ll kick your ass. He’ll kick the dog’s ass. He’ll kick his own ass. He was willing to get electrocuted for science and thought a turkey should be the national bird, not to mention how the old dude managed to get laid right up to his death. He was not only cooler than you but stronger than you.
Alexander Hamilton: Why would you want to figh- okay, I know why, but don’t do it. The man is made of piss and vinegar, and yeah, like Burr, you might win the battle, but at what cost? He’ll talk your ear off before, during, and after, and at that point, who really won?
John Jay: It’s tempting, I know it is, but John Jay is from New York. You really want to fight that guy? Plus, as first Chief Justice of the US, he’s got the mighty fists of the law on his side. You may not have heard of him, but fight him and you’ll wish you hadn’t.
Thomas Jefferson: Fight him. If you don’t fight him I will. Not only was he the world’s biggest hypocrite by being a slaver and yet wrote ‘all men are equal,’ but he’ll be too damn busy working out how to use his French mac and cheese machine to notice you until it’s too late. The man helped start and ran from two revolutions and got put on trial for cowardice, you can take him, and for the sake of all of us, please do.
James Madison: Only fight him if you can’t find anyone else to. I mean, yeah, the guy was instrumental in a virtual smorgasbord of American politics, but is he really worth your time? If you find yourself raring to fight Madison then take a moment to look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself why.
George Washington: Speaking of kindly old men you shouldn’t fight, do not fight George Washington. Do not even approach George Washington with intent to do anything but smile heartily from a distance. One time a guy clapped him on the back and Washington gave him a glare so withering the guy thought he was going to piss himself. George Washington survived Valley Forge; he can sure as hell survive you.