“Hi this is Harry Potter, sorry i couldn’t pick up your call
If you’re hermione please limit your message to at the most 4 minutes. I’m a busy man ‘mione, really.
If you’re ron, yeah hi to you too i’ll be at yours on tuesday night for drinks don’t worry i haven’t forgotten.
If you’re neville, er, congrats on whatever new plant you just got.
If you’re luna, yes i’ve renewed my Quibbler subscription, tell your dad i said hello.
If you’re ginny, congrats on that match you won and have come to call and scream to me about.
If you’re draco, i’ll be home soon, don’t leave the stove on, finish the laundry if you haven’t already, yes i’m okay, yes i miss you too, yes i know you want my ‘bloody arse’ home. I love you too.
And i’ll get back to you as soon as possible!”