harry and uncle vernon

weird forgotten tumblr things

- don’t hug me i’m scared fandom with the humanoid notebook and clock
- fluffy chicken day
- those blue pictures that said ‘reblog if you’re in the ______ fandom!’
- all the tumblr island, tumblr university, etc. plans that eventually led to the planning of a tumblr convention which is what gave us the beautiful shitshow that was dashcon. the dashcon ballpit was overall tumblr’s best meme in my time on here imo, second only to sonic for real justice
- tumblr trick or treating on halloween¿?
- TUMBLR PROM
- everyone remembers mishapocalypse but remember the all-out war that went down a year later when people couldn’t decide if there should be another one?? that was honestly almost as scary as the actual mishapocalypse
- speaking of misha collins, when he posted his phone number online and this entire website collectively lost its shit. everyone had to post their text convos w/ misha
- FRANCIEUM VS FORFUTUREFERENCEONLY
- “the only adult supervision we have on tumblr is john green” (yikes)
- the time everyone was gonna purposely not post anything the sunday after the guy who played uncle vernon in the harry potter movies died because of the quote “no post on sundays” but then everyone like……forgot and posted stuff anyway
- the tumblr version of some nights by fun
- moreos guy
- when the 50th anniversary of doctor who fell on the same day as some one direction thing and everyone got really offended at this facebook post someone had screenshotted that said like “1d will be around way longer than ur shitty alien tv show” lmao
- “swiggity swag, what’s in the bag”
- when yahoo was buying tumblr and everyone was flipping shit and making posts saying shit like “yahoo better not go ToO fAR!!! they have an army, but we have a hulk!!!” honestly if i was yahoo and considering buying a website for more than a million dollars and then saw that that was what the userbase was like i would have backed the fuck out of that business deal
- those “men of tumblr” posts, you know the ones i mean
- when everyone hated miranda cosgrove?? was there a reason behind that or,,
- back in 2013 everyone was planning to do this “tumblr day” on march 5th where you were supposed to write a big t on your hand and then if you saw anyone else with it you were supposed to “hug and exchange urls” lmao. im pretty sure no one actually did this but if that doesn’t describe the general social climate of tumblr back then idk what does

6

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - Chapter Twenty-Two: Owl Post Again

“Godfather?” sputtered Uncle Vernon. “You haven’t got a godfather!”

“Yes, I have,” said Harry brightly. “He was my mum and dad’s best friend. He’s a convicted murderer, but he’s broken out of wizard prison and he’s on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though … keep up with my news … check if I’m happy… .”

And, grinning broadly at the look of horror on Uncle Vernon’s face, Harry set off toward the station exit, Hedwig rattling along in front of him, for what looked like a much better summer than the last.

Harry was sure in that instant they were both wondering the same thing.

This is such a dark moment and I’ve never seen it talked about before!?!

The suggestion that Harry ‘I will turn this broom around to save Malfoy even though this room is filled with cursed fire and I have a Horcrux to destroy’ Potter might not have rushed to the rescue of Vernon Dursley is… woah.

It says a lot about the neglect and abuse Harry suffered with the Dursleys that he isn’t at all sure he’d want to rescue Vernon. Dudley does redeem himself. Harry has occasional moments of connection with Petunia, like in OoTP when he tells her Voldemort has returned. But Uncle Vernon? There is never, ever a moment of kindness or understanding between them.

MORE than that, Vernon suspects that Harry wouldn’t rush to his aid if he were captured. Does he assume this is because Harry has no interest in helping ‘his lot’?? Or because he knows, deep down, that his treatment of Harry really has been appalling and Harry has no reason to love him or worry about him??

It’s just a tiny little moment between these two characters, but it says so much about their (totally awful & dysfunctional) relationship. Lastly, I bet this is the only moment in the series where both Harry and Vernon are wondering the same thing simultaneously.

beyondimen replied to your post “you know what kills me? gets my goat? rubs me the wrong way? kicks me…”

Who abused him???? Genuine question I missed something

his uncle, aunt, and cousin. the way the books were written (especially the first three) sort of glosses over most of the abuse, in part because they’re marketed toward children, but also because we’re seeing things from harry’s perspective. an abusive home environment is all he’s ever known, so it becomes normalized in his mind and, to a certain extent, acceptable.

the dursleys verbally, emotionally, and physically abuse harry. they force him to sleep in the cupboard under the stairs (which is infested w/ spiders btw) and frequently lock him inside as punishment for incidences of accidental magic (which he isn’t aware he is doing), perceived wrongdoings, or just because they feel like it. when harry is moved upstairs to a real bedroom, they put bars on his window and a cat-flap and several locks on the door.

they often withhold food from him as another method of ‘punishment.’ they show him no affection or love whatsoever, which is crucial for a child’s development. they ignore him. they belittle him, and call him names. they speak to him and about him as though he’s not intelligent enough to understand them or decent enough to deserve better. they lie to him about his parents and his cultural heritage.

a lot of fans seem to disagree on this, but the books also make it very clear that harry was physically abused. in cos, aunt petunia swings a frying pan at harry’s head (this was not half-hearted or for show, harry had to dodge the blow to avoid being hit). harry is genuinely terrified of vernon after the pudding explodes in the kitchen, and is physically dragged up the stairs and thrown into his room. in ootp, harry is actually strangled on-page by uncle vernon when he’s caught listening to the news. he makes a comment in the same book that a ‘good sense of when to duck’ is useful for getting along with his uncle. in hbp, harry considers the fact that ‘long experience’ had taught him to stay out of arm’s reach of his uncle. neither harry nor the dursleys ever act like any of this is out of the ordinary. petunia and vernon also encourage or at the very least ignore harry being hit and attacked by dudley (and occasionally beaten by dudley’s whole gang of friends). it’s stated in the first book that the reason harry’s glasses are broken and taped is because his cousin has punched him in the face so many times. just because harry is never caned or whipped to within an inch of his life doesn’t negate the fact that he was canonically physically abused, possibly quite badly.

one of the most insidious ways the dursleys abuse harry is the dichotomy they intentionally set up and perpetuate w/ regards to harry and dudley. they force harry to sleep in a cupboard - at the same time they give their oldest, biological child not one but two full-size bedrooms. they starve harry, and feed dudley all the sweets he wants. they refer to harry as ‘boy’ and ‘you’ and avoid using his name (iirc they use his given name once in all seven books. once.) and frequently call dudley by over-the-top affectionate pet names. they make harry do endless lists of chores while dudley watches tv and plays video games. they ignore harry’s birthdays or give him ‘presents’ like coat hangers, but they buy dozens of gifts for dudley on his birthday and take him on fun trips while harry is left behind at a neighbor’s house. they want to send harry a message: you are worthless. you are nothing. you are not a part of this family. and throughout his childhood, they systematically condition him to believe it. (which profoundly affects his mindset and decisions later on in his adolescence but that’s a different extraordinarily long post)

harry was horrifically abused, but he was horrifically abused in a series of books written for children and young adults so it makes it a little less obvious. but imagine the same things happening to your friend or classmate or nephew or neighbor’s kid and it becomes clear that it’s completely horrifying.

The Chamber of Secrets, a summary
  • Dobby: Harry Potter must not go to Hogwarts!
  • Harry: The fuck are you Hogwarts4lyfe
  • Dobby: *Pudding crashes and burns worse than Snape's love life*
  • Uncle Vernon: HARRY DIDJA PUT YER NAME IN THE GOBLET AHV FYA- I mean *clears throat* NO FOOD FOR YOU BITCH WELCOME TO CONCENTRATION CAMP DURSLEY
  • Harry: fuck
  • Ron: *mass breakout*
  • Vernon: *falls out window*
  • Fred'n'George: sup
  • Mrs. Weasley: BoYs YaLl DoNe It NoW GeT yo SoRrY AsSeS oVeR HeRe- except you Harry nothing's ever your fault an btw thanks for almost getting my son killed last year
  • Ginny: *highkey stalker*
  • Floo powder: lol you thought things would go right in your life
  • Draco: *exists*
  • Harry: He'S FuCkInG Up tO SoMeThInG
  • Hagrid: *saves Harry from being raped*
  • Hermione: sup
  • Lockhart: OMG IT'S HARRY POTTER HERE TO BOOST MY HALLWAY CRED- I mean- *coughs* you have a few fans yourself, I hear- HERETAKEMYBOOKSTAKETHEMALL
  • Lucius: *is an ass*
  • Aurthur: *fights a bitch*
  • Lucius: *here have this book it's pretty and talks to you but be careful it may possess you*
  • Platform 9 3/4: *is an ass*
  • Ron: Let's just take the flying car illegally instead of just owling Hogwarts or waiting for my parents
  • Harry: k
  • Car: *eighties action music*
  • Harry: can you hear that?
  • Ron: we must be getting close!
  • Harry: hold on-
  • *music grows louder*
  • Hogwarts express with Thomas face on it: DUN DUN DUN DUUN DUN DUN, DUUUUN
  • Car: *crashes*
  • Tree: *is an ass*
  • McGonagall: Idfc just go away here have a sandwich
  • Hermione: sup
  • Shit: hello friends
  • Wall: ThE ChAmBeR Of SeCreTS HaS BeEN OPenEd EnEmIeS oF The HeiR BeWArE
  • Mrs. Norris: hanging by noose from ceiling
  • Harry Ron and Hermione: *are there*
  • Filch: Y'all killed my cat IMMA KILL YA
  • Dumbledore: Bruh you accusing the great Harry Potter?!? If it was anyone else I wouldn't care but since it's Harry SHUT UP
  • Malfoy: *is a slithery Slytherin*
  • Harry: He's the heir
  • Hermione: *starts making potion*
  • Myrtle: *moans*
  • Colin: *takes pictures of Harry*
  • Harry: ew fuck stop
  • Lockhart: StOp YoU cAn'T bE MoRe PopUlAr thAn mE- I mean *coughs* it's unwise to hand out pictures until you're as famous as me
  • Harry: *gets detention* *is worse than Umbridge's blood quill* *hears hissing* *doesn't suspect it could be a snake which is the animal that hisses*
  • Hermione and Ron: sup
  • Harry: can you hear that
  • Ron and Hermione: wtf no you must be insane
  • Harry: lol tru
  • Lockhart: *has dueling club*
  • Snape: *kicks his ass with the disarming spell*
  • Lockhart: totally meant for that to happen now give me a moment while I restart my heart
  • Hermione: *is killed by Millicent but somehow manages to get a hair*
  • Snape: Harry fight Draco
  • Harry and Draco: *fight*
  • Draco: *snakeness intensifies*
  • Harry: (to snake) bruh calm down mate
  • Snake: k
  • Snape: *kills snake*
  • Ernie: Bruh you tryina kill me
  • Harry: lol no but I should asshole
  • Ron: Harry why didn't you tell me you had a completely dead ability when you didn't even know it existed or that it was rare
  • Harry: idk snakes are cool
  • Person: *petrified*
  • Teachers: maybe we should give a shit
  • Dumbledore: lol nope
  • Quidditch: *happens*
  • Draco: training for the ballet, Potter?
  • Harry: *trains for ballet* *breaks arm*
  • Lockhart: OMG GET OUT OF MY WAY I HAVE TI HEAL HARRY IT WILL BOST MY READERSHIP I mean *coughs* I've done this a thousand times
  • Harry's Arm: *is bendy*
  • Harry: *goes to infirmary* *hears extremely important information*
  • Polyjuice: *happens*
  • Draco: blah blah blah mud blood blah blah blah poor blah blah blah whydoesntpotterloveme
  • Draco: *isnt heir*
  • Harry and Ron: well shit *get the hell outta doge*
  • Hermione: *is cat*
  • Harry: *finds moist book in a girl's bathroom* Imma take this
  • Harry: *ignores more murderous hissing*
  • Diary: hello friend no more sadness today
  • Harry: seems legit
  • Diary: here look at this memory I'm Tom Riddle
  • Harry: k
  • Memory: *happens*
  • Harry: boi why da fk you lyin
  • Hagrid: *is taken to Azkaban because we needed to introduce it for the next book*
  • Harry and Ron: *follow spiders*
  • Spider dude: We do not speak the name of the giant snake in your pipes now excuse me while my children murder you
  • Car: *is real hero of the story*
  • Hermione: *is petrified*
  • Harry and Ron: Shit
  • Hermione: *has clue casually hidden in her hand but takes weeks to find*
  • Harry: ohh it's a Basilisk dats why I can hear it
  • Ginny: *is taken*
  • Professors: *finally give a shit*
  • Lockhart: lol nope
  • Harry: lol yup
  • Myrtle: yah that sink with the snake on it. I mean, it would've been helpful to tell you about it before but whatever have fun
  • Harry: k thx
  • Myrtle: Harry when you die you should stay in here and fuck me
  • Ron: bye bitch
  • Harry: *hisses*
  • Draco: *in dungeons* *gets boner*
  • Chamber: *is opened*
  • Lockhart: I LOVE YOU HARRY! I mean- *coughs* say goodbye to your memories imma just take credit for your stories like I did for erryone else
  • *uses Ron's broken wand* *hits himself* *cavern collapses conveniently blocking Ron and Douchehart on one side and Harry on the other*
  • Ron: lol rip
  • Harry: k bye
  • Ginny: *is almost dead*
  • Harry: shit
  • Tom: *is hot* *appears menacingly*
  • Harry: sup Tom wanna help
  • Tom: lol nope *takes Harry's wand*
  • Harry: Bruh give me my wand
  • Tom: Snakey go kill this twelve year old
  • Harry: *runs*
  • Snake: *is blinded by random phoenix*
  • Harry: *stabs snake with magic sword* *gets bit* *stabs book*
  • Ginny: sup omg Harry that look like it hurts
  • Harry: *gives speech*
  • Fawkes: *cries*
  • Harry: yay I'm healed
  • Fawkes: gets them past all the boulders magically
  • All: *are free*
  • Dobby: *socks are lyfe*
  • Harry: *roast*
  • Credits: *roll*
Dursleys meet Drarry

Imagine Dursleys finding out Harry is dating Draco. Imagine Uncle Vernon blabbering how he ruddy well knew Harry is abnormal, with too much “unnaturalness” that does not stop at being a wizard - he has to be a gay wizard!

Imagine the first time they get to meet Draco though. They are all sitting in the spotless kitchen Aunt Petunia is so proud of, Uncle Vernon’s wearing his finest suit to try and intimidate this boyfriend of their lunatic nephew, ready to mock them. Then Draco glides in - all classy and posh in black armani suit, rendering the Dursleys speechless, while Harry follows in to introduce them, sees their dumbfounded faces, and can’t help but smirk a little too obviously because this lofty refined man is his boyfriend and even Vernon Dursley can’t find a ridiculous comment to say.

10 years
9 Weasleys
8 movies
7 books
6 years at Hogwarts
5 escapes
4 houses
3 friends
2 sides
1 story
0 post on Sundays

anonymous asked:

Could you write a fic where it's Snape who meets when the Dursleys are staying in Cokeworth?

Uncle Vernon stopped at last outside a gloomy-looking hotel on the outskirts of a big city. Dudley and Harry shared a room with twin beds and damp, musty sheets. Dudley snored but Harry stayed awake, sitting on the windowsill, staring down at the lights of passing cars and wondering…


Like shootin’ fish in a barrel, son!  

His father’s words rang in his head as he strolled from the pub.  He hadn’t intended to fleece the group.  Not like when he was younger, and was cajoled by his desperate father. This time, mired in guilt, he threw the last few hands, and pretended his winning streak was over.  

The men commiserated his loss with good humour and camaraderie, but Severus didn’t need to use Legilimency to read their relief.  There had been at least a fortnight’s wage on the table, and he wasn’t entirely convinced that any of the men were still working.  Gambling was no laughing matter in a backwater pub in Cokeworth.

And him, a well-paid teacher.  He could afford to lose ten times over.  He should’ve known better.  

But old habits die hard, and he could almost hear his father’s greed hollering in his ear.  He never threw a hand back then, not when losing a hand could mean the household starving for the rest of the week.  He still couldn’t eat stew as an adult, no matter how upmarket the offering was.  Gourmet stew, indeed.  He could almost feel the oily, watery broth that had coated his fingers as he scooped a bowl from the cauldron; no chunks of meat to be found, and merely vegetable peel for flavour.

No.  He never threw a hand back then.

It was only the time his father had seen any worth in magic.  Comin’ down for a pint, eh, son? I’ll stand yer one.  And then he’d lower his voice to a whisper so Eileen wouldn’t hear.  And bring that witchy mind readin’ brain of yers with yer.  Don’t think yer just goin’ to sit quiet in the corner with a bleedin’ book.

He kicked angrily at a stone on the pavement.  “Why d’yer do this to yerself, Sev lad?” he muttered.  His accent was stronger in these streets.  He shouldn’t have had that last pint.  He always got maudlin after one too many.  He always got maudlin in Cokeworth.

He turned a corner, and followed the main street out of town.  Spinner’s End was in the other direction, far from the train station, far from civilisation – but Severus always walked to the outskirts, and then Apparated to his house.  He preferred to arrive directly in his bedroom when he’d had a few pints; he could collapse straight into bed, and it saved exchanging trivialities with the neighbours.  It took all of his effort to remain polite during the day – with a few Muggle pints in his system, Severus wasn’t quite sure of what he might say.

He glanced up.  The stars weren’t visible – too much light pollution.  Too much pollution full stop.  

And then he saw him. Four storeys up, his face pressed against the glass of a dirty window.

James fucking Potter.

Severus stopped, and turned. His spin was rather less impressive without his voluminous teaching robes, but despite his alcohol intake, the movement was smooth.  He took several steps back and peered at the window, where a small boy with glasses, and messy black hair was peering right back at him.

He wasn’t going mad.

It wasn’t James Potter.

Not with that distinctive scar.

Severus’ heart thudded in his chest.  He stared at the boy for a long moment, and eventually, timidly, the boy raised his hand in the slightest of waves.  

After a few seconds, Severus nodded, and continued on his way.

Harry silently watched as the thin man with long, straight hair hurried down the street.  He glanced back over at Dudley, who was still snoring loudly, and sighed.


“EXPECTO PATRONUM!”


“I thought he lived in Surrey,” Severus shouted, banging the door as he strode in, incongruously dressed in his Muggle attire.

“All right, Severus,” Minerva said, sharply.  “I’ve heard quite enough.”  She opened the log of which letters had been sent to which student, and her jaw dropped as she flicked to Harry Potter’s record.

Most children had a single entry next to their name:  Draco Malfoy – letter sent by OWL, RSVP received.

Harry James Potter didn’t have just one entry.  He had thirty nine pages.  

Severus stood behind Minerva, and peered at the pages with her.  “Don’t you check these?”

“At the weekend.  It gives families chance to send confirmation,” she said, defensively.  “There’s usually no need to chase anyone up.  These are all pureblood and halfblood families, Severus, remember?”

“Halfblood he might be,” Severus harrumphed, “but he lives with Muggles.”

“Muggles who know fully well what he is,” Minerva corrected.  “Dumbledore did suggest he’d send Hagrid to retrieve him if there was any trouble,” she added, but Severus wasn’t really listening.

“The address keeps changing,” he said, pointing at the page.  “What does this mean?  Cupboard under the stairs?  The smallest bedroom?”

Minerva gave him a horrified look.  “The addresses are automatic.”

“Hundreds of these,” Severus said, flipping the pages.  “And now, look!  Tomorrow’s entry – Railview Hotel, Cokeworth!  That’s where I saw him.”

“Perhaps they went on holiday?”

“To Cokeworth?” Severus snorted.  “Nobody goes to Cokeworth on holiday.”

“You were there.  This is your holiday.”

Severus gave her a scathing look.  “I had the misfortune of being born there.”  He tensed. “They’re running from it.  They think they can outrun the owls.”

“Whatever for?” Minerva polished her glasses on her sleeve.  “You don’t seriously think those awful Muggles would keep Harry from attending Hogwarts?”

When she put her glasses back on, he’d gone.


They ate stale cornflakes and cold tinned tomatoes on toast for breakfast the next day. They had just finished when the owner of the hotel came over to their table.

“’Scuse me, but is one of you Mr. H. Potter? Only I got about an ’undred of these at the front desk.”

She held up a letter so they could read the green ink address:

Mr. H. Potter
Room 17
Railview Hotel
Cokeworth

Harry made a grab for the letter but Uncle Vernon knocked his hand out of the way. The woman stared.

“I’ll take them,” said Uncle Vernon, standing up quickly and following her from the dining room.


Vernon’s heavy footsteps stomped down the hallway, and Severus slipped in through the door.  He’d sat in Vernon’s place before anyone even realised he’d entered the room.

“Mornin’,” he said, cheerfully, and picked up Vernon’s half-finished cup of tea.

Petunia was so horrified, she couldn’t speak.  Her mouth kept forming the same strange ‘o’ shape.  Dudley clouted her on the back, assuming she was choking on a cornflake.

Harry’s eyes widened. “You’re the man I saw last night,” he said.

“I am,” he said, leaning his head down to Harry.  “And I have a very special letter for you.”

“Oh!” Petunia finally spoke, and Severus straightened up.

“Where’s my letter?” demanded Dudley.

“You don’t want one of those horrid letters,” Petunia snapped.  “And neither does he, Snape!”

Harry didn’t think it was possible to be more shocked.  “You know this man, Aunt Petunia?”

“Off to your room, Harry,” Severus said sternly, passing him an envelope.

“You know my name!”

“-and keep that letter safe.”

Harry gave a sharp nod, and fled to his hotel room.  Dudley moved to go with him, but Severus’ slender hand gripped his upper arm.  He dropped his Cokeworth accent, and slipped back into his most impressive schoolmaster tone.  “And where do you think you’re going?”

Dudley swallowed hard. Ordinarily, he’d scream and shout, and stamp his feet – but the man’s black eyes were unnerving.  He slid back onto his seat.

“Not my son, Snape,” Petunia whispered, horrified.  “You can take the other one, but please, not my Duddy.”

“Nobody wants your Duddy,” Severus sneered.

“Fine,” she snapped.  “You’ve-”

“Obliviate.  Stupefy.  Muffliato.”

Petunia’s scream was high pitched, and she lunged for the thin man.  “What have you done to him?  My Duddikins! Duddy!”  She looked around helplessly, amazed that nobody else had moved an inch. “What have you done?”

“No-one can hear you,” Severus said, in an almost bored tone.  “I merely wiped the boy’s memory of events.  He will wake shortly, and he won’t have any knowledge of this meeting.”

Petunia calmed, and sniffed. “And Harry?”

“I think it best that both you and Harry remember what happened here.”  He flicked his wand, lifting the Muffliato spell.  “Send Dudley up to pack in five minutes.  It’ll give you time to decide what to tell that oaf of a husband of yours.”


Severus rapped on the door. “Harry?”

The door slid open, and Harry beamed at him.  “Is this true?  Is this all true?  I’m a wizard? Are you a wizard?”

Severus nodded, and ushered the boy through the door.

“Do you work at the school?” Harry asked, excitedly.  “Can we go now?”

“We cannot go now,” Severus intoned, “for Hogwarts has broken up for the summer.  But yes, I work at the school.”

“What do you do?”

“I teach Potions.”  At Harry’s puzzled look, he smiled.  “It’s like Chemistry.  Only magical.”

“Are there forms?”

“Forms?”

“I went to the open day at Stonewall High,” Harry explained.  “And they put you in a form.  Mine was-”

“We call them houses,” Severus interrupted.

“Yes, that’s it!” Harry looked cheered, and then turned back to the letter.  “It doesn’t say which house I am going to be in?”

“Nobody knows until you turn up.”

“Oh.”  Harry thought for a moment.  “What’s your house?”

Severus smiled.  “I was put into Slytherin.”  He smiled more broadly again.  “I am very proud to say that I am the Head of Slytherin.”

“Slytherin?  That’s a funny name.”

Severus gave a tight smile. “Isn’t it just?”  He patted the small boy on the shoulder.  “Enough now, Harry.  You need to pack your things before your cousin comes upstairs.”

“But-”

“It won’t be long until you’re at Hogwarts,” he said.  “For now, just keep yourself out of trouble.”

“Sir?  Do you think I could be in Slytherin?”

Severus paused for a long moment, and then shut the door.  He pulled out his wand and spun on his heel.  “Obliviate!  Stupefy!”

He picked the stunned boy up, shocked at how light the limp child was.  He gently rested him on the bed and sighed.  “Your mother was in Gryffindor.”

With that, he slipped out of the building.


And Harry pulled his head out of the pensieve.

2

THE LETTERS FROM NO ONE

“Dad!” said Dudley suddenly. “Dad, Harry’s got something!”
Harry was on the point of unfolding his letter, which was written on the same heavy parchment as the envelope, when it was jerked sharply out of his hand by Uncle Vernon.
“That’s mine!” said Harry, trying to snatch it back.
“Who’d be writing to you?” sneered Uncle Vernon, shaking the letter open with one hand and glancing at it. His face went from red to green faster than a set of traffic lights. And it didn’t stop there. Within seconds it was the grayish white of old porridge. “P-P-Petunia!” he gasped.

My god, Vernon, the hospital they put me in was awful! It was full of Good-for-Nothings like that nephew of Petunia’s - nothing against you, dear, we’ve all got bad eggs - and one man may have been the VAINest man I’ve ever met, must’ve given me six signed photographs of himself. What a loony. What HAS this world come to, Vernon, and where ARE all the freaks getting their supply of nerve?
—  Aunt Marge, after leaving St. Mungo’s