look i know everyone is hating on bernie right now (and it is justified) but i need to try to explain her behaviour because ok she is my trash daughter and i love her
bernie is not good with feelings
that is obvious
but like she is also not great at admitting when she’s wrong????
so here’s the thing everyone is talking about how bernie went to Kiev and cried but did you not see her Bernie’s face as she pulled herself together and drove away? there is nothing you can say to convince me that bernie wolfe moped around ukraine for her secondment.
i posit instead: bernie threw herself into work like it was the only thing in life, created an 18 foot virtual wall around thinking about serena, and was probably 85% of the way through her secondment before she realised just how much she’d fucked up.
like she is in ukraine going ‘everything’s fine. i did the right thing i had to do this.’ and then she finally lets herself think for 30 seconds about coming home and this tiny little shred of doubt worms its way into her brain. and bernie’s like ‘NOPE not doing that’. but then she can’t shut it off.
and because she is very bright and her brain is very good at thinking her mind just fucking tears through all the evidence and less than 36 hours later bernie is like. OH NO I FUCKED UP.
and then she stays in ukraine because she doesn’t know how to go home. she doesn’t know how to face serena again. she doesn’t know how to apologise because she knows sorry’s not gonna cut it (and it doesn’t even occur to her that maybe sorry is a good place to start).
so she stays.
even though it is literally a hundred and twelve percent the wrong thing to do she stays because she has finally confronted how badly she fucked up and how much she hurt serena. and so she does some more unfathomable mental gymnastics and justifies to herself that returning would only hurt serena more.
when really she’s just scared.
scared of serena. scared of the enormity of her feelings.
and scared of actually seeing the aftermath of the hurt she’s caused. (something i must add she had never done before: with marcus and the kids and even alex the hurt was always after she’d left)
and sometimes when you’re scared it’s easier to pretend you’re not and then just never face it ever.
I haven’t been feeling at the top of my game recently. As the days grow shorter and the skies get darker, I find myself retreating from the people and things that I love.
So yesterday, I took Ivar out to the foothills to wander through the forest with me.
Normally, on these walks, Ivar is bright and bubbly and trying to playfully shove his nose into every nook and cranny we can find out there. He is something of a handful on most trips to the wilderness.
But last night, he was calm - even patient - as I walked him through a secluded clear cut. He became exceptionally affectionate, as well, when I couldn’t take another step, and paused to sit in the middle of the trail.
Ivar shoved his head under my hand, rubbed his cheek against my face, and stood over me with his paws in my lap as the sunlight faded so I could bury my tears in his chest. It grew too dark to take any more photos, but we lingered in the woods for a time even so. I savored the moment too much to move from it.
This experience was a unique one. Wolfdogs are self-motivated animals, who want things their way and who don’t often make exceptions. But at a time when I was feeling down, Ivar did make an exception, it seems. And despite the darkness Autumn brings, he made my world brighter because of it, at least for a moment.
If you enjoy following Ivar, you should also check out my personal Instagram: @naturepunk_ for additional photos of our adventures together. Also be sure to check out our rescue page at www.packwestwolfdogrescue.org and consider making a donation to support our efforts. #wolfdog #wolf #wolves #oregon #wilderness #fall #autumn #malamute #fallcolors #realwolfdog #uppermidcontentwolfdog #highcontentwolfdog #westcoast #PNW #pnwonderdogs #jj_oregon #wilderness #trask #traskmountain #adventure #travel @by_wolves @walk_with_wolves @wolves_hd @animaladdicts @bewil.d @wilderness_culture (at Northern Oregon Coast Range)