hard part of my life

anonymous asked:

(different anon) See with me, i didn't start watching SPN until s8 when a friend introduced me to it. Now i'm way more into the fandom that she is lol:P So I obviously knew "life without SPN" as i wasn't aware of it from the very beginning like a lot of people. But it and the fandom has become such a large part of my life, it's gonna be hard to go back to whatever the hell i was doing before lol:P

Same, same….

but here’s the thing. The fandom doesn’t end when the show ends. And there’s so many wonderful stories and people out there to love and appreciate. What we have here is a fantastic, unique community that will endure for a long time. :)

“I didn’t want to take the pill anymore and I thought I could control things on my own. That was a mistake. I started to cry when I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified by the thought of the baby being 100% dependent on me. What if I wanted to travel? Or go to graduate school? Or just get the fuck away and not talk to anyone? At first I wanted to get an abortion. I even called the hotline but I never went through with it. Now my son is my life. I’ve totally abandoned myself. I broke up with the father after a year. He has a new girlfriend now. He gets to have his life, and see our son whenever he chooses. He gets to go out. He gets to go through an emo phase and decide not to work. It’s unfair. He can play with our son then go back to his life whenever he wants. I get left with the hard part. My life is my son now. And I love him, so that’s a wonderful thing. But it’s a terrible thing too.”

(Santiago, Chile)

2

send me free clothes i wanna model.

I don't want to have children

“You say that now but wait till you have some!”

“You say that but watch you’ll end up with four!”

“What so you don’t like children?”

“Why do you hate children?”

“So you aren’t giving your parents any grandchildren?”

“Why are you so selfish?”

“Children are a blessing, how can you not see that?”

“Who will take care of you when you’re old?

"Haha, wait you aren’t kidding?”

“But you’d make such a good parent!”

Jack also wrote a list for Bitty

It’s folded on his night stand, hidden under the lamp

Things I expect from this relationship

(nothing, honestly, but you asked, so there goes:)

  • I expect that you’re with me because you really want to be with me
  • I expect that you tell me if things get too much
  • I expect that you answer honestly when I ask how you are
  • I expect that you make your wants and needs clear and explicit because otherwise I stress about it - You know how I am

Things I do not expect from this relationship

  • I do not expect you put up with my moods
  • I do not expect you that put this relationship above other important things in your life, like school, hockey, friends, anything else.
  • I do not expect you to be okay with keeping this relationship a secret
  • I do not expect you to be okay with the pressure of dating me - (There is a hockey stick hand drawn next to this)
  • I do not expect you to come out to your parents or anyone else, really
  • I do not expect you to forgive me for having treated you badly that first year - I still am sorry about it
  • I do not expect that you force yourself get along with anyone that you might dislike, for my sake
  • I do not expect you to do anything you might dislike, for my sake
  • I do not expect you to feed me, or take care of me, or anything else- If you want to do it for your own enjoyment, go ahead.

Things I want you to remember

  • I love you
  • Talking to you calms me down
  • I always want to see you or talk to you, even during my black moods
  • I love you
  • I desire you
  • Your life and what happens in it are as important as what happens in mine, I want to hear about it
  • I love you
  • Never forget that we were friends first, and will work hard to remain friends no matter what happens
  • You are an important part of my life, hockey is not more important than you are
  • Je t’aime

It’s signed -Jack

Bitty reads it before going to bed, and falls asleep with a smile on his face.


Bitty’s list for Jack

On the complexity of words in our racialized and colonialized world, and my own liminality...

TW: Discussion of the term “g*psy,” which I know may be a triggering word to some of my American followers in particular. I’ve done my best to tag this. Let me know if I’ve left something out.

So I need to talk about this. I really don’t want to because I feel like I’m going to be attacked for doing so. But this is my life in a super literal way, and I am taking time to process all this, with my cultural background, and my personal history, and my non-belonginess, and all the other super heavy baggage I have, and my society has, with this word and this way of life.

I’ve seen the occasional post on here talking about the culture on Tumblr of sometimes oversimplifying their activism and not understanding the full breadth of certain issues, and I’m kicking myself for it even as I type, but… today I’d like to address the international complexity of the term “gypsy.” Specifically, its use in the UK.

(Oh god, what am I doing sticking my foot in this hornet’s nest…)

All I ask is that you really just read this before you rip my head off, yeah? Please. I need to talk about this.

That word does not mean the same thing here that it means in the US, where I come from.

In America, it’s a pretty negative word to a lot of people of any degree of social consciousness. In America, that word is associated almost exclusively with the Romani people, an extremely marginalized group of POC who’ve been subject to every type of violence in existence, up to and including genocide. It is almost always used as either a slur, or an ignorantly appropriative capitalist tool. They’re the only well-known group of nomadic people Americans are familiar with in relatively modern times (since most nomadic Natives were killed or had their seasonal routes cut off long ago), and naturally, it has therefore remained a very racialized term in America. As a general rule, all nomadic peoples known to Americans are POC who have suffered genocide, sometimes to the point of extinction.

It’s fucking heavy. And that is what my brain still emotionally understands, when I hear that word. I’ve felt, and feel, that ickiness listening to someone use that word carelessly, or as if it were a trendy aesthetic™. This post is hard to write, because I have to use it.

So, Americans, I get this. ‘K? Me too. And Brits, if you’ve ever wondered why this strikes such a chord with Americans, that’s why, and this might be some handy knowledge for you to have when traveling to the US: “gypsy” is not a nice word in the US, and “Traveller” isn’t a term most Americans will recognize. We don’t have any legislation protecting Traveller rights, the way you do (inadequate as they may be). If you want to refer to the Romani, use Romani. If you want to refer to Travellers as a diverse group, use “nomadic people.”

But now I live in the UK. In the UK, “gypsy” is a government-official term, and people refer to themselves and others by this term routinely. And most confusingly, to my American sensibilities, it has little to do with your ethnicity. Even ethnic gypsies are most frequently white British, in the UK (the UK has its own native nomadic populations, especially from Ireland and Scotland). But there are also non-ethnic gypsies. It’s a term that refers more to your mode of living than to your race.

My gypsy neighbors are Irish, English, and Romani. The Irish Travellers and Romani obviously have an ethnic history of nomadism. But the ethnically English do not. He’s a Traveller, legally speaking, and part of larger gypsy society. And here, that is legally and culturally legitimate. He isn’t considered an ethnic minority, the way ethnic Travellers are, but culturally has a home under both terms.

There are other slurs in the UK for Travellers, of course. And there are also people who talk about them in a racist way (*cough* Tories *cough*). If I were to draw a comparison to American linguistics, “gypsy” in the UK is much like “queer” in America. It is simultaneously a neutral and inclusive word, and a word which is often found in the mouth of bigots. It has a complex history that has both highs and lows.

I still prefer to use Traveller, because I’m American and “gypsy” leaves a weird taste in my mouth. But that only works in writing, where it is capitalized. In speech, that term could just as easily mean kids on a gap year, and it isn’t useful for specifying nomadic people. So in speech… the word everyone uses is “gypsy.” This word which gives me the willies is now a normal part of my life. It is hard for me to get used to that. But also, apprehensively positive. What a wonderful community this is. It isn’t any stupid stereotypes. I mean, the dude a couple caravans down from me is a graphic designer. It’s just a really solid community of people who are just… really wonderful.

So… this is a major part of my existence right now. Please remember that Tumblr is an international community. Not everyone you see using that word is a racist throwing out a slur. Some of them aren’t even referring to the Romani. If they’re British, they’re probably more likely to be referring to the Irish, or to people of diverse or unknown ethnic backgrounds.

It may also be something I start talking about more often, because this is now my life. I live on wheels, in a mostly Traveller community. Legally, I’m a “New Traveller” (and the idea of referring to myself that way sends off a degree of appropriative heebjeebies that’s just unbelievable, but that is the fact of the matter). That is, I would be if anyone knew I was here. But the way these things are interacting for me, and how simultaneously uncomfortable and necessary it is to learn about them given my cultural background, means that it is something that is likely to come up. Something I will need to talk about. A consuming part of my life at the moment.

These people have taken me in, in a very real way that pretty much makes me cry when I think about it. They’ve fed me, and kept me warm, and helped me keep this hell shed from tipping over. They’ve gifted me things for my craft – the part of my life this blog is about. I don’t want to avoid talking about them as they talk about themselves, or understanding the way my self-perception is changing as this is happening, for fear I’ll be mistaken for an asshole. It feels like hiding who they proudly are, because the culture I come from has a different history than they do. I don’t live in that culture anymore, and probably never will again. I need to find some way of reconciling the dissonance with the way my life is now.

I don’t think any of this takes away from the complexity of that term. And to all you goddamn Nazis, don’t you dare take this as a reason why it’s ok to fucking harass the Romani, or I swear I will hex the shit out of you. And since the UK tends to follow American trends, I wouldn’t be surprised if that term eventually goes out of vogue.

But today, it is a very different word from its American counterpart, which is essential for me to fully understand in the context of both my own life, and my experience of adopting my new culture as an immigrant. And I want people to understand where I and other people in Britain are coming from when we talk about it. And I feel a need to be understood in my own life right now.

So… This was probably unwise. I’ll take my blows I guess. I’m just reaching into the dark and hoping I’ll find some understanding. This is very much part of what kind of witch I’m becoming, and more broadly, what kind of human I’m becoming.

“we should close the emotion door for mandy by telling her that you’re gay.”

what a straight person would say: “but i’m not gay.”
what dennis says: “but i already had sex with her. how am i going to convince her i’m gay?”

“brian’s not above having a one-night stand with a woman, but he’s got no room for her emotionally, because he’s in love with me.”

what a straight person would say: “but i’m not in love with you.”
what dennis says: “with you?”

“well yes, he’s in love with me, of course.”

what a straight person would say: “that’s a stupid plan. i’m not doing that.”
what dennis says: “all right, christ, i gotta do something here. fine. mac, we’ll go with your plan.”

“you never told me you had a roommate.”

what a straight person pretending to be gay would say: ham it up, lean on stereotypes, try to sell the gay angle, overshare about sex, make things as unambiguous as possible - i.e., the way dennis himself did earlier in the series, during the hugh honey and vic vinegar shtick.
what dennis says: “there’s no easy way to say this. mac and i aren’t just friends. he’s actually my partner. we don’t actually make love. it’s just that we don’t have sex. i sleep with women, but i’m emotionally involved with mac. which is why - and this is the hard part - i don’t really… i don’t have room, emotionally, in my life for you.”

“we’re the type of guys who would love [co-parenting a kid].”

what a straight person would say: “i’m not going to parent a kid with you.”
what dennis says: “why did you say you wanted to raise the kid?”

“maybe we should [raise a kid together].”

what a straight person would say: “no, we shouldn’t, because i’m not gay.”
what dennis says: “we? we are not a couple, mac.”

“well, no, we would just keep pretending.”

what a straight person would say: “well, that’s difficult, because i’m not gay.”
what dennis says: “i’m not going to pretend to be in a relationship with you for the entirety of my child’s life. are you insane? you know what? i can’t handle this right now. i’m going to go sleep in your room. you can sleep on the couch.”

“i don’t want to bang you either, frank, but i’d power through for five grand.”

what someone pretending to be in an open relationship, where the partners have sex with other people but not each other, and where there’s an explicit delineation between emotional involvement and sexual involvement, would say: “you’d sleep with frank? gross. get some standards.”
what dennis says: “well, no, you wouldn’t want to, because you’re emotionally involved with me.”

things that dennis does not say, at any point: 

  1. “i’m not gay.”
  2. “i’m straight.”
  3. “i’m not attracted to men.”
  4. “i’m not in love with you.”
  5. “i don’t want to be in a relationship with you.”

the last thing dennis says: 

“goodbye paddy’s pub, goodbye philadelphia, goodbye charlie…” [three second pause, unbroken eye contact with mac] “…mac, dee, frank.”

This part of Tyrion chapter in ASOS is so underrated. Look how sweet it is: 

“I won’t intrude. Dress warmly, my lady, the wind is brisk out there.”   

The wind was brisk, just as he’d warned Sansa, and there was a smell of rain in the air. Perhaps when Lord Tywin was done with him he should go to the godswood and fetch her home before she got soaked.

I just think Sansa brings out a more sensitive part of Tyrion. Its cute. 

Return To Me.

Can be found on AO3 and FF.net, also this chapter under the cut….

Summary: What would you do if you woke up tomorrow with the last 5 years of your memories gone? After an unfortunate accident, Oliver Queen must figure out his place in a life he has no memory of whilst his wife, Felicity, does everything she can to support him. With emotions, secrets and relationships pushed to the limits; will love and friendship be enough to turn back the hands of time?

Authors Note: Firstly thank you as always for the continued support! It honestly does mean more than I can ever say. Secondly this chapter is a short one! I would like to say in all fairness chapter 11 and 12 were one but I decided to separate them which you will see after you’ve read both. Thirdly I apologise for this… *hugs*

Chapter 11: Thinking.

Keep reading

Someone New. (Kim Taehyung.)

Originally posted by helendrv

Requested – No.

Prompt – After three months of being broken up, Taehyung moves on rather quickly with another girl but you are still struggling to stop loving him.

Warning – Angst.

Words – 1,959. 

Requests?

Every moment that passes by, your heart aches a little more thinking about how you let a beautiful relationship slip through your fingers. All the signs were there that Taehyung was falling out of love, but you refused to see it and you continued to believe everything was going to be okay. But it wasn’t. That changed when one day, he decided to leave you behind.

Keep reading

You weren’t exactly anything to me.

The role wasn’t clear. The feelings were fleeting. The moments were like flashing light and were blaring for one second then gone for the next. I can’t feel you when you’re here.  And when you’re away, I can feel your phantom kisses, the make-believe hugs— everything that I want.

All I knows is that you’re something.

You’re something that I almost loved. You’re something that made me smile in the most random moments. You’re something I think about in the hard part of my life to get me going. You’re something that I will cherish until the end of time.

You weren’t anything to stay,
but you were something enough to leave marks when you left.

—  @aliurisslawn 

Dear Mickey,
I hope you’re not mad at me, though I wouldn’t blame you if you were. I hope wherever you are that you’re happy and you’re doing well for yourself. I hope you found someone who is taking care of you and loving you the way that I never could. The way that I wanted to. The way I still want to. Maybe one day life will bring us back together again. I’ll be waiting. I’ll always wait for you Mickey. The other day I didn’t want to take my pills. I stood alone in my kitchen and thought about just throwing them away, but I thought about all the times you were patient with me when I got like that. I took them. In some way you’re still with me. God knows how I wish I was still with you. If I can ever get down there I’m going to take the first chance I get. I miss you so fucking much Mickey. I haven’t dated anyone. Haven’t kissed anyone. I’ve been trying to put my life back together but it has been so hard when the biggest part of my life isn’t here. I’ll see you soon Mickey, I promise. I apologize in advance for being late. But remember I fucking love you Mickey. You’re my ride or die. See you soon Mick. I love you.

-Ian

—  Letters To Mickey.
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A really big haul this month for Patrons. This was an incredible amount of work ;-; If you become a patron now, you can 4x this amount of comics and illustrations you’ll get access to.

I’m trying

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Thank you!

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someone replied to my post saying ‘hope for the best, expect the worst’ and tbh that’s not what it is for me. for me it’s ‘hope for the best, expect the best, and if everything goes to shit then it’ll suck but rn? rn i’m going to live my life to the fullest’. 

some of you might think im stupid, maybe even go so far as to call me delusional for thinking this, but honestly it’s more refreshing to just be positive and optimistic all around than being positively pessimistic