happy murphs

anonymous asked:

Murven text post AU where Raven and Roan are dating and Murphy schemes to break them up because HE SAW HER FIRST AND THAT ICE NATION BASTARD HAD NO RIGHT TO ASK HER ON A DATE BEFORE HE DID! 😉

The Island of Misfit Delinquents

10:09 am

Caw Caw Little Birdy: WHO’S GOT TWO THUMBS, A SEXY RED DRESS, AND A HOT DATE WITH ROAN AZGEDA TONIGHT?!?!?!?!?!

Murph-Man: Your mom?

Caw Caw Little Birdy: THIS GIRL

Caw Caw Little Birdy: Dammit Murphy

Caw Caw Little Birdy: You fun-sucking, last-piece-of-pizza snatcher, lotioned foot slipping around in a sock, uncouth garbage human, son of a bitch

Blake 1: You’ve gotten real creative with your insults lately

Blake 2: Rey just shit on your entire life son

Commander Clarke: #loveofmylife

Blake 1: #rude

Caw Caw Little Birdy: ANYWAY

Caw Caw Little Birdy: Roan’s got it all planned out He’s picking me up at seven and we’re going to a fancy dinner and a show. There’s also talk about getting coffee as we leisurely stroll back to my apartment under the light of a thousand brilliant stars, conversing about interesting topics 

Murph-Man: Roan Azgeda: A modern day Jane Austen

Blake 2: Calm yo tits, Mr. Darcy

Commander Clarke: Murphy is SUCH a Darcy

Murphy-Man: Wut

Blake 1: Clarke is Jane Bennet and I’m Mr. Bingley

Blake 2: I’ve always wanted to be a snotty society lady

Blake 2: Count me in as Caroline Bingley 

Murph-Man: I actually hate you all????

Caw Caw Little Birdy: I’M LIZZIE BENNET

Caw Caw Little Birdy: Watch me read all the books and slay men’s hearts with a slightly haughty attitude

Caw Caw Little Birdy: I deserve more than to be married off to a rich man I don’t love to save my father’s estate 

Commander Clakre: ^^^ Same

Blake 2: ^^^ My new Instagram bio 


Blake 1 + Murph-Man

10:40 am

Blake 1: So……

Blake 1: How you doing with all this?

Blake 1: And by this, I mean Raven and Roan

Blake 1: And by Raven and Roan I, of course, mean them dating 

Blake 1: Murphy?

Murph-Man: Sorry I can’t guzzle vodka and text at the same time

Blake 1: It’s not even noon dude

Murph-Man: Then I’ll put the vodka in some orange juice

Murph-Man: Make some toast

Murph-Man: Call it brunch

Murph-Man: Like a middle-aged rich white woman

Blake 1: Buddy…… no


The Island of Misfit Delinquents

12:34 pm

Caw Caw Little Birdy: When you actually care about how this date will go so you shave your legs

Blake 1: Wow, when should we expect to receive the invitations to your wedding?

Murph-Man: Too much work. Just wear sweatpants and call it done

Commander Clarke: Darcy strikes again


Misson imPOSSIBLE 

2:15 pm

Blake 2 added King Azgeda to the group chat

Blake 2: Plan is working perfectly

Blake 2: Or WAS

Commander Clarke: Don’t be passive aggressive to my boyfriend 

Caw Caw Little Birdy: Yeah just be flat out aggressive towards him

Blake 1: Well maybe next time we try and secretly try and set up our friends, yOU GUYS WON’T BASE THE PLAN AROUND ME TRYING TO COMFORT PEOPLE

King Azgeda: Our first mistake

Blake 1: Roan you absolute winter coat made out of Wookie fur

Blake 1: Fight me 

King Azgeda: With pleasure

Blake 2: #TeamRoan

Commander Clarke: (I-think-tf-not-you-trickass-bitch.jpeg)

 Caw Caw Little Birdy: FOCUS YOU BUNCH OF MEME DUNCES 

Caw Caw Little Birdy: We WANT Murphy to come and try to stop the date. Not be drunk off his ass

Blake 1: Before we all start yelling at me again, I DID fix things

Blake 1: Miller is covering Murphy’s shift at the precinct tonight. Jasper and Monty are on their way with coffee and the world’s greasiest burgers to sober Murphy up

Blake 2: Then Bell and I will go over right around the time Roan picks Raven up and trick Murphy into sabotaging the date

King Azgeda: And double check him for weapons before he leaves for said sabotage 

King Azgeda: That’s important 


The Island of Misfit Delinquents

6:43 pm

Caw Caw Little Birdy: I look bomb if I do say so myself

Blake 2: Yeahhhhhhhhhh Rey

Blake 2: Get. Some. ;) 

Commander Clarke: Bow-chicka-bow-wow

Murphy-Man: Bow-chicka-bow-wow?

Murph-Man: My eyes have been sinned upon

Commander Clarke: SEND A PIC OF YOUR DRESS

Caw Caw Little Birdy: (Date-Night.jpeg)

Blake 1: Our little girl is all grown up

Commander Clarke: 21 years of sleepless nights, blood, sweat and tears… All for this moment

Caw Caw Little Birdy: Thanks mom and dad <3

Murph-Man: You look really really pretty Rey 


Mission imPOSSIBLE

8:09 pm

King Azgeda: We should have picked a restaurant that served an actual meal

Caw Caw Little Birdy: What even are these portions

Caw Caw Little Birdy: My name is a bird, but I do NOT eat like one

Blake 2: Murphy has left Casa De La Sadness and is on the move

Blake 2: I repeat, on the MOVE

Blake 1: dfsjghorejgirjgjbfdk 

Blake 1: I FORGOT TO TAKE THE BASEBALL BAT OUT OF HIS CAR

Caw Caw Little Birdy: FAILamy Blake 


Murph-Man + Nathan Miller

8:58

Murph-Man: Hey man what beat are you patrolling tonight?

Nathan Miller: The usual 

Murph-Man: That’s good

Nathan Miller: These vague texts aren’t tho

Murph-Man: If you want to pass a polygraph, you drive really slow to the Dropship Theater and you do NOT look closely at the face of the man with the baseball bat when that call comes out

Nathan Miller: WTF 


Mission imPOSSIBLE

9:24 pm

Commander Clarke: I’m stationed at the coffee shop across from the theater

Commander Clarke: Also, this coffee tastes like piss so it’s a good thing this whole date is fake because if I were Raven and Roan bought me coffee from this place?

Commander Clarke: I’d dump it all over that nice-ass suit and there would be NO second date

King Azgeda: wow ok

Blake 1: I’m in love?????

Blake 2: Murphy’s on the move

Blake 2: And by move, I mean he iS HAULING ASS WITH A BASEBALL BAT SHHHHIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTT

Blake 1: I’m stuck in traffic what’s happening !!!!!!!!!?

Commander Clarke: Roan looks like a gallant European prince 

Commander Clarke: Murphy looks like a disheveled…. Well just like straight up disheveled in a big old grandpa sweater and dark jeans

Blake 2: Roan snatched that bat from Murphy right quick

Blake 1: Catch them hands too lmao

Blake 2: You right lols

Commander Clarke: We’re like all sitting together watching this right now? And we’re texting each other?

King Azgeda: Raven dragged Murphy back around to the parking lot so they could scream at each other in private. And make out

King Azgeda: (my-longest-yeah-boi-ever.jpeg)

Blake 2: You’ve done well young grasshopper 

Blake 1: Yeah come across the street and I’ll buy you a cup of coffee as a thank you 

King Azgeda: The same coffee your girlfriend said tasted like piss?

Blake 1: That’d be the one


The Island of Misfit Delinquetns 

11:02 pm

Caw Caw Little Birdy: (We-Cute-AND-an-Offical-Couple.jpeg)

Blake 1: Murphy flipping the camera off as you guys kiss is everything I expected your relationship to be 

Blake 2: AWWWWWWW!!!!! TOGETHER AT LAST

Blake 2: My skin is clear, my bank account is full, an angel delicately plays the harp in the background 

Commander Clarke: YOU GUYS CAN DOUBLE DATE WITH ME AND BELL

Murph-Man: Pass

Blake 1: Pass

Caw Caw Little Birdy: Sometimes I’m jealous over how in sync you guys are

Blake 2: *added King Azgeda to Island of Misfit Delinquents*

King Azgeda: Happy for you guys!

Murph-Man: I could have done without the emotional trauma tho tbh

Murph-Man: I’m only 178 pounds of delicate pale skin and sarcasm

Murph-Man: I’m fragile

Caw Caw Little Birdy: It was the only way

Blake 2: We knew your anger would win over your pride

King Azgeda: Why confess your feelings when you can try and beat the fake boyfriend with a baseball bat and hope your point gets across as you shatter the competitions knees?

Blake 2: I would have intervened before he shattered your knees

King Azgeda: Thanks babe <3

Blake 2: NVWIPVNHPIVHFVNFUGFNROKAETR

Commander Clarke: YOOOOOOOOOOOO 

Caw Caw Little Birdy: I KNEW WE FORGOT SOMETHING

Caw Caw Little Birdy: It was supposed to go- Go on Fake date, Murphy confesses his feelings (finally) and Octavia somehow breaks the news to her brother that she’s daTING ROAN

Blake 2: I was going to buy him a history book and get him about three glasses of fancy wine deep before I told him

Blake 2: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

King Azgeda: …….. well this is awkward

Blake 1: YOU OVERGROWN SCRUFFY LOOKIN, FUR COAT WEARING, WANNABE WARRIOR PRINCE OF SOME APOCALYPTIC UNIVERSE 

Blake 1: I WILL FUCK YOU UP

Commander Clarke: Guys you gotta break stuff to him gently he has the heart of an 87-year-old man

Caw Caw Little Birdy: He’s gonna go BOOM

Blake 1: DON’T TOUCH MY SISTER

Murph-Man: I’d actually like to retract my earlier statement about double dates and propose a TRIPPLE date instead 

Murph-Man: I think that would be good for our friend group 

3? That can’t be right, she can’t be 3. It can’t have been 3 years since the Fella and I got lost on the way to the hospital and got mistaken for homeless people. It can’t have been 3 years since that bald headed little piece of perfect joined our family.

But she’s not bald now, she’s got a head full of wild curls that rival the Fella’s. She’s not quiet now she has Oh so much to say. She’s brave and she’s silly and she’s so very tender hearted. She’s adventurous (until she gets stuck and then she’s small again and wants hugs) and friendly and musical and grand. She loves her mommy, her daddy, her sister, her “Bun”, and her “Muss” (what happens when a baby tries to say Murph).

Happy Birthday pumpkin, love you to the Moon and back!

You know what pisses me off? Boys have all these body-positive nicknames for their hair–I mean, ‘happy trail’ is only ever replaced by 'treasure trail’, and things that put some hair on your chest are generally considered good things–but I can’t even have a modicum of visible hair without being asked if I’m a hippy or a furry or something else equally intrusive and degrading.
And that’s without all the “helpful” comments I get from family about how “it’s coming to that time when you should shave, someone might notice something soon, honey”
Like I AM PRETTY SURE I CAN DECIDE FOR MYSELF WHEN THAT TIME IS, THANK YOU, SEEING AS IT’S MY BODY WE ARE DISCUSSING