happy in the haze

Tipsy🍺

Summary: You’re just ‘one of the guys’ aka: “not considered an option by the guys”. And it hurts. Especially when it comes to your friend and crush Steve Rogers.

Or, Where a drunk Steve tries to break into your room at an ungodly time of night.

Author’s note: I know this has been long overdue😭,

also thank you so so so much for all the support and feedback you guys have been giving me on my imagines, it means a lot.❤❤❤As always feedback is much appreciated!

Warnings: insecurities, language, Steve being a hot ass mess


Steve rogers is a ladies man.

Well kind of a ladies man…The ladies came to him, he didn’t come to the ladies.

Two years ago you helped put the Avengers team back together and then joined it.

Three months after joining the team you realized you had a crush on Steve Rogers.

Nine months later you were in love with him.

A year ago Steve dated Sharon Carter for four months. And has been a ladies man  ever since.

“Damn he’s making a second round already?” Sam mutters under his breath. Bucky muffles a snort. You’re sitting at the kitchen countertop on a tall stool with Bucky and Sam on either side of you. The three of you are currently watching Candice “just call me Candy” Martin run her glossy pink nails up and down Steve’s arm. Steve’s blushing, but he doesn’t stop her. That’s the thing about Steve. He never makes the first move. The girls come on to him and he just blushes in that adorable Steve Rogers way of his and allows it to happen. Then he asks them out and of course they accept- he’s Captain America. You never knew women to be so forward until you had met Steve. They competed with each other for his attention and seemed to relish it.

First there was Candice Martin, the pretty pale and freckled redheaded agent.

Then Freja Hosk, the tall intimidatingly beautiful, Swedish ice blond medic.

Then Paisley Fisk, the gorgeous SHEILD scientist, blessed with flawless dark skin, deep dimples, plush full lips, and waist length braids.

After her there was Biyu Zhou the stunning Chinese agent, graced with an amazing body and a pretty face that always seemed to be flirting with you.

And these were the ones that Steve went on multiple dates with. There was no counting the amount of women he’d only gone out with one time. He’d seemed to have gone through the whole building.

Now it seemed to be back to Candice. You watch Candice give Steve’s arm a lingering squeeze before leaving the kitchen. Your heart twists and you look down at your cereal. You hate feeling this way. Especially for someone who would never feel the same way about you. You and Steve are close friends; you could even call him your best friend, after Sam. But to him you’re just one of the guys.

‘One of the guys’ ….you hate that expression. Because it’s always described you.

You’re not even lucky enough to be one of those cool ‘one of the guys’ girls, the ones that understand men and eventually have one of their guy friends falling for them. No. You’re just one of the guys because guys don’t even consider you a sexual option.

Steve calls you ‘buddy’ for pete’s sake.

Steve wanders over to the kitchen counter and pulls up a stool next to Bucky.

“Let me guess, hot date this Friday?” Sam asks.

“Yeah” Steve answers, stealing a blueberry from Bucky’s plate. Bucky halfheartedly swats Steve’s hand away.

“Man even I wasn’t getting this much action in my heyday,” Bucky chuckles. He reaches out and thumps Steve on the back. “Who woudda thought that Stevie turned out to be the biggest lady killer of ‘em all”

Steve shakes his head, and swipes Bucky’s coffee mug, draining it in one gulp. Amid Bucky’s protests Tony walks into the kitchen. His hair is sticking in all different directions and he has that crazy ‘I haven’t slept in 24 hours’ look in his eye. For about a week him and Banner have been hole-ing themselves in the lab with a few choice SHEILD scientists working on some secret ‘important project’.

“Rough night Tony?” Sam asks.

“Yeah,” Tony walks over to the other counter and pours himself a cup of coffee. “And not the good type of rough either.”

“But, even genius comes out of my roadblocks.” Tony sighs holding his mug in his hands and inhaling the coffee’s aroma .

“So you finally finished the project?” you ask.

“Nope.” Tony answers “But while I was trying to work on the project I got to thinking about Cap’s problem…well one of his many problems.” Tony chuckles to himself at his, and pulls something out of his pocket and tosses it at Steve. “And of course being the humanitarian I am, I solved it.”

“What’s this?” Steve turns what looks like a silver flask over in his hands.

“Next time you want to relax, try cracking this open with ice princess over here on a Saturday night. If it works properly you two finally won’t be the only sober ones on our poker nights.”

“Uh, thanks Tony,” Steve says hesitantly, tucking the flask away, but you know he’s happy. Steve’s confided in you many times that he wishes he just could let go, just not think about the fate of the world or what everyone wants him to be for once. He smiles at Tony and Tony flashes a smile back.

“No problem.” He downs the rest of his coffee and pops a piece of chewing gum. “Now if you’ll excuse me I’m supposed to get brunch with Ms. Paisley Fisk,” Tony’s grin stretches from ear to ear.

“Never seen you so excited about brunch Tony,” You observe, taking a bite of your cereal.

“Brunch? I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about brunch. Now Paisley Fisk on the other hand…?” He gives a low whistle “I mean have you seen her?….And have you seen those knocke-”

You roll your eyes “Alright Tony, we get that you’re a dog. Move along” You interrupt him. Tony smirks and heads out the door.

“Did he just lick his lips?” You ask, but Sam’s too busy collecting the dirty dishes and Steve and Bucky are hunched together, probably discussing the flask, so you don’t get an answer. You sigh and head out, deciding to get some paperwork and training in so you don’t just lounge around all day. As you head down the hallway, a thought strikes you. Not once has Tony Stark, the famous playboy who would flirt with anything female with a pulse, flirted with you. Not one sly remark, cheesy pickup line or cheeky comment.

Damn I really must be ugly’ you think to yourself.  Heavy footsteps jogging behind you interrupt your thoughts.

“Hey,” Steve says catching up to you, giving you that dazzling smile of his.

“Hey” you respond, smiling back.

“We still on for movie night?” he asks

“Of course, I have three picked for you today,”

“Are the going to be as bad as the last ones?” Steve rolls his eyes.

You gasp in mock horror. “Steve Rogers. My movie choices aren’t bad.”

Steve pretends to think “Okay maybe one of them wasn’t bad.” You guys reach the training room. You push open the glass doors and enter.

“Was it the one that made you cry?”

Steve wraps his arms around your waist, effortlessly pulling you off the ground. He starts to muss up your hair. “Take that back! I just had something in my eye.”

“No! I’m telling the truth!” you screech, laughing. Steve starts to tickle you and you squirm. “Stop! Put me down!”

“Oh okay,” he says and makes as if to drop you, making you screech and cling to him. Your stomach hurts from laughing.

“Steve?” A high pitched voice cuts through your happy haze. It’s Candice “Could you spar with me a bit?” Steve puts you down, and you prepare to mask your expression, to smile and say you’ll catch him later, but when you look up he’s already walked away.


That Friday night starts out as usual. You hole yourself up in your room so you don’t have to see Steve getting ready to pick up Candice for their date. But today you don’t even have Sam to keep you from slipping into sadness because he’s out with his girl tonight too.

So you sit and stew .

Listen to sad music and cry.

Watch a sad movie that make your heart hurt.

Eat pizza and ice-cream and stew.

Look at pictures of Steve on your phone.

Zoom in on his biceps and cry.

And then you start thinking about how Candice is probably running her fingers through Steve’s hair, pulling him closer and kissing him. He’s probably wrapping his arms around her waist, and then you start thinking about how he’ll never touch you like that- he’ll never want to touch you like that. How nobody ever does- and then you decide it’s time to put yourself to bed.

 But you just lay in the dark staring up at the ceiling, thinking about all the beautiful women he’s dated and start comparing yourself.  You wish you could be pretty like them. Take their beauty and wear it like a mask- after all how else would  anyone ever notice you? You wish for once someone would see you, actually see the whole you and want you.

Just as your eyes are about to start watering your door shakes. It sounds like someone’s trying to break in. Reacting quickly, you grab your pistol from your dresser and approach the door. The door handle continues to jiggle.

Your mind boggles at who it could be, after all, what intruder would be this loud? And the compound is practically impenetrable, how would they have not set off any alarms? Still, your heart rate rises as you look through the peephole. When you spy a familiar head of blonde hair you huff and put away your pistol and open the door.

“Steve? Wha-“ Steve barrels past you, flicking on the lights and kicking off his shoes. He sways slightly, and turns towards you. You catch the strong scent of something then, like alcohol, but slightly off. He says your name, surprised.

“Wha-wha are ya doing in my room?” He says

“Steve this isn’t-“ you start, but Steve walks up to you and puts a finger to your lips.

“Shh- iss okay, ya can stay” he slurs slightly, and sits on your bed.

“Steve are you drunk?” You ask, crossing your arms over your chest.

Steve giggles “Ya, To-nyyy’s stuff actually worked” he sing-songs Tony’s name. “I feel great” He says laying back.

You hold back a smile, and then a terrible thought crosses your mind. “Steve, where’s Bucky?”

“Oh don’t worry, old Buck’s in his room. Out lika light” Steve snorts “Lightweight.”

You shake your head, wondering what you’re going to do with him, when the sound of movement on the bed makes you look up. Steve’s already stripped off his shirt and is working on his pants. You want to say something- you should stay something, but you’re too distracted by the flexing of his abdominals as he peels off his jeans.

“Steve” You hiss, you don’t think you can say much else. Not when every muscle in his body is standing out in sharp relief.

Steve looks up and smiles widely at you, patting the place next to him. Steve really must be gone. Normally he would be three shades of red if you even mentioned seeing him shirtless. You hesitate for a moment before crawling next to him.  He wraps a well muscled arm around you and pulls you close. It feels so nice you don’t even mind the stink of alcohol on his breath

“So” you scramble for something to say. “How was your date?”

“Terrible,”

“Oh really?” you ask. You decide to try to fish details out of him. “Candice is very beautiful”

“Yeah not really my type.” Steve snorts.

“Oh?” your fingers decide to do their own thing and start tracing the ridges in his forearm. “What’s you type then?”

Steve’s silent for such a long time you start to think he’s fallen asleep. But then his fingers grasp your face, squishing your cheeks together. He looks down at you, and his big blue eyes look like languid pools of water.

“You. This beautiful face of yours.” He replies. Your heart pounds and you will it to stop. He’s drunk. In the morning he won’t even look at you let alone want you.

“Stop playing Steve,” You turn and start scooting away.

“I’m noooot” he whines, and hooks an arm around you, pulling you to his chest. You try to squirm away but he’s got you in an iron grip “You’re so beautiful Y/n” His large calloused hand caresses your face sloppily.

“Oh really?” you say, trying to keep the bitterness out of your voice. “Why haven’t you said anything before?”

“’cause ya won’t let me.” You feel lips at press at the back of your neck, and you have to stop yourself from squeaking “Come’on y/n….just give me a chance… just one chance. I promise I won’t mess it up. I’ll tell ya that you’re beautiful every day…” He kisses your earlobe and sets your skin on fire “I’ll treat you right. I promiiisee. Why won’t you give me a chance?” his voice turns whiney again. He’s suddenly too close, too much and you squirm out of his embrace. He makes a hurt noise in the back of his throat and you hush him, turning off the lights.

“Let’s go to bed Steve.”

“Ooh I like the sound of that,”

“If you don’t shut up…” You snap, feeling your way to the bed. Once you’re under the covers Steve locks you in his embrace again, almost crushing you. You lay on his chest, his warmth enveloping you, your mind racing a mile a minute. Then Steve’s hand slides up your body and starts rubbing your back and you slip off into sleep.


When you wake up Steve’s gone. Your heart drops, but after laying in bed for a bit you decide to confront him. You pull on your favorite pair of high waisted jeans and an over-sized cropped sweater. You look at yourself in the mirror. ‘At least I can look good while getting rejected.’ You head into the kitchen and are greeted with the sight of a busted looking Bucky being served breakfast by Sam. You pause for a moment to scoop a muffin from the box on the counter and to admire the architecture of Bucky’s hair, half of which is standing straight up, the other half is at a 90 degree angle.

“So I take it Stark’s concoction worked?” Sam asks, arranging pancakes on a plate. Both of their backs are to you, Bucky sitting at the kitchen counter, Sam in front of the stove top.

“Yeah,” Bucky says, voice rough, “Who woudda thought Stark could make that good stuff?”

Sam chuckles “So you and Rogers have a good time last night?”

“Ya, well until Steve started getting whiney.” Bucky snorts.

“What?”

“Buck, why doesn’t y/n like me? She’s so pretty Buck I can’t take it, why doesn’t she liiike me?” Bucky mocks Steve’s voice. “After that I decided to go bed. I get enough y/n talk when I’m sober.”

“Really?” Sam pries, and you smile, Sam knew about your little crush, and like a true friend was fishing for more information.

“Yeah, he’s such a wimp, I always tell him just to make a move-“ Bucky cuts him self off “Sam ya better not tell y/n about this…I swear”

Sam turns around, pancakes in hand “Don’t worry-“ He looks up and meets your gaze “I won’t have to” he laughs. Bucky looks up at Sam and then turns around. He groans.

“Y/n, how long have you been?- Actually nevamind, obviously  long enough. Just do me a favor and don’t tell Steve about this? He’s an absolute madman when it comes to you….” Bucky grumbles, pulling his hood over his head.

“a… madman?” You ask walking up to the counter.

Bucky snorts. “Yeah he practically beat Stark’s ass after he overhead him saying something slick ‘bout ya.”

You lock eyes with Sam. “Go get him tiger.” Sam smiles at you. You wipe your palms on your jeans and turn to head out.

“Word ta the wise, check the roof.” Bucky calls out after you.

You find Steve sitting on the roof, staring off into the distance. His hair is still messy but he’s wearing a clean white button down shirt, and tan pants with those suspenders you always secretly find adorable on him.

“Steve?” you call out hesitantly “Can we talk?”

Steve’s head whips around and his eyes widen. He then massages his temples with a groan. He must be suffering from quite the hangover.

“You don’t have to say it y/n, let’s just forget last night ever happened.” Your heart beats faster and you gather up the last of your courage before it completely slips away.

“Steve-what you said…did you mean it?”

Steve groans again, dropping his head into his hands.

Yes.” He says quietly.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me Steve?”

“Why should I have?” he gives a defeated chuckle. “Ya already rejected me,”

“What?” Your mouth drops in disbelief and you walk up and stand next to Steve, looking down at him “When? When did you even ask me out?”

Steve looks up at you “What do you mean? I tried after every upstate training session.”

Your eyes squint as you think back. A little over a year ago the team met upstate for a four days to train at this specialized facility and test out new weapons. You think back some more.

“You just asked me to ‘hang out’ after those sessions.” You say incredulously, “Not on a date”

“But that’s how people date nowadays.” Steve looks confused.

You laugh “No, not really. And anyways after those training sessions I was so  disgusting that the last thing I wanted to do was go get ice-cream and marinate in my own sweat  for a few hours”

“But all tha other girls took ‘hanging out’ ta mean a date” Steve looks even more confused.

“I guess nowadays ‘hanging out’ can imply a date, but most of the time it still just means hanging out. At least to me” you mutter the last part “Where’d you get this idea from anyway?”

Steve’s ears turn pink “Uh Bucky”

You eyes practically roll out of your head “Steve! You know he only thing Bucky knows about dating is from those stupid teen drama shows he’s obsessed with.”

Steve’s face turns bright red “I’ll have ya know Bucky was quite good with the ladies.”

You can’t help but to burst out laughing. After you calm down you sit down next to Steve. “You going to Bucky for advice on dating is like the blind leading the blind”

Steve chuckles, wiping a hand down his face. After a moment you pause.

“Steve, why’d you practically date the whole building instead of just telling me.”

“I dunno. I guess I just thought you’d already rejected me so I didn’t want to push the issue, and still wanted to be your friend. So I just thought I’d try to find someone else…” he turns his head and looks at you “But damn it Y/n it’s impossible to find someone who even comes close to ya…” His gaze takes your breath away so it takes a moment for you to respond.

“I guess that’s a good thing then…cause I feel the same way about you.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah” you laugh and you feel like you’re flying because all the baggage, all the pain is starting to unload. “And if you hadn’t been so dumb and listened to Bucky you would have known a long time ago.”

Steve smiles widely and wraps an arm around you, the other hand caressing your face.

“So. You wanna go on a date with me?”

“Yeah” You pretend to consider it, and then lay your head on his shoulder “Sounds a lot better then just hanging out.”


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It’s kinda a lot harder having a tc than I thought…

I mean completely forget about it being taboo and the fact you can’t say anything to anyone about your feelings…

But when you graduate, you walk away with nothing.

Sure, you’ll always have the memories… but after a while you’ll start to wonder if it was all a dream… a figment of your imagination.

And it’ll be uncomfortable for a really long time, but once you start to get used to that sort of emptiness that used to solely feed your happiness, that’s when it becomes a haze.

There’s nothing there to keep the fire once lit so bright alive anymore.

And god does it suck. I get flashbacks of all the feelings I had back then when I smell certain things or drive past familiar areas… I feel revived for a second; normal.

But now that I think about it; that split second of remembrance is what confirms that it was real. Every second of it.

I feel so weird and out of place without him and I’m constantly searching for something to fill that space… and not only do I feel guilty while searching, but I always fail at finding something to make me feel so strongly as I once had.

And I’m completely and utterly terrified that I never will.

We walked arm in arm down the cobbled slope of the Royal Mile at a quarter to five, suffused with a glow engendered by several bowls of well-peppered oyster stew and a bottle of wine, shared at intervals during our “private communications.”
      The city glowed all around us, as though sharing our happiness. Edinburgh lay under a haze that would soon thicken to rain again, but for now, the light of the setting sun hung gold and pink and red in the clouds, and shone in the wet patina of the cobbled street, so that the gray stones of the buildings softened and streamed with reflected light, echoing the glow that warmed my cheeks and shone in Jamie’s eyes when he looked at me.

Droughtlander Art Challenge
Week 12 - Royal Mile

“The city glowed all around us, as though sharing our happiness. Edinburgh lay under a haze that would soon thicken to rain again but, for now, the light of the setting sun hung gold and pink and red in the clouds, and shone in the wet patina of the cobbled street, so that the gray stones of the buildings softened and streamed with reflected light, echoing the glow that warmed my cheeks and shone in Jamie’s eyes when he looked at me.”

- Voyager

Have an excellent week! We’re a week closer to September!