happy holidays everyone! haha!

The bright Christmas lights around Kara’s apartment and the sparkly tree contrast Mon-El’s mood. 

He glares at the happy messages scattered across the tree and reaches for his abandoned cappuccino from earlier. He takes a sip, nose wrinkling as the tepid liquid hits his throat. Setting it down he grabs his beer from the coffee table instead and knocks back a few swallows.

Christmas, he was informed, was a time to be surrounded by loved ones and a time where joy and cheer were felt by all.

Lounging against the couch, he takes another sip of his beer. Right now he feels anything but joy and cheer.

And he knows it’s all his fault.


Christmas Eve at Kara’s apartment was full of the hustle and bustle that usually accompanies holiday gatherings. James, Winn, Alex and her girlfriend Maggie were all there, arriving at different times in the evening all while Kara was running around the kitchen putting last minute touches to the food before dinner. 

Standing by the fridge, he notices everyone, minus Maggie, is a member of ‘Team Supergirl’ as Winn had dubbed them. And due to her presence, it was almost a silent agreement that no conversations were being held about Kara’s double life. 

Not surprisingly this led to some awkward moments in the evening.

The first was when Maggie asked how they all knew each other.

There was an awkward pause as everyone made eye contact across the table, waiting for someone else to answer the loaded question. Then, everyone spoke at once, citing different excuses before all agreeing on work.

Maggie continues to look at them suspiciously at different points during the evening. Alex cracks open the wine hidden in Kara’s fridge soon after that.

The next was after dinner when Kara was handing out homemade Cappuccino’s to everyone. 

Mon-el quickly came to the realization that combining Winn walking around on his phone and a hurried Kara gets you an absolute mess on the floor. 

Mon-El quickly walks around the spilled drinks, grabbing a towel from the stove and leans down to sop up the spreading coffee, nearly banging his head against Kara’s when h crouches down (she’s frantically grabbing shattered pieces of the mugs).

Noticing how close he is, she turns a deep cherry shade for a split second before her complexion returns to normal.

She sends him to the edge of the kitchen to keep the coffee from getting into the carpet as Winn rushes over to her with an armful of paper towels, drowning out anything Mon-El could have said with a thousand apologies to Kara.

The guilt that’s been in his chest since the kiss flairs up again, as he replays her expression in his mind. 

He should never have done it.

Dying and full of the medicine they pumped in him made it seem like a good time to go for it, but when she awkwardly addressed their kiss, his first thought was to immediately backtrack, faking amnesia of the whole incident.

And when she didn’t acknowledge it either, it was like a pit formed in his stomach. So he smiled and played along with her story to further hide in his lie. What it didn’t do was stop the pain he felt when she walked away.

He regrets his choice to hide his real feelings every time he sees her.

And even more in moments like these when he knows she remembers too. 

After dropping the towel off in the sink he heads to the fridge and snatches a beer. As he closes the door she’s suddenly standing there, holding a Cappuccino out to him, smiling with a hint of awkwardness. He slowly reaches to grab it, eyes meeting hers and the tension is palatable. After a pause, she rushes quickly away to Alex, leaving a faint scent of perfume behind.

As he heads to the couch, away from the bustle of people, he wishes she had some alien beverages. He’s going to need something stronger than these human drinks to get through the evening.


The cushions are suffocating.

The warm apartment, the food and the background noise have all made it easy to get lost in his thoughts.

Thoughts of regret, and self loathing.

He knows he needs to stop, to get out of this place, but he knows he can’t leave without it being suspicious. He’s already being suspicious by not being in the center of the gathering, instead lounging here by himself. He’s already drawn a few suspicious looks from both Alex and Winn.

He quickly gets up, grabbing his beer and opens the door to the balcony, walking into the cold night air. He leans his forearms against the railing, soaking up the frigid air, letting it clear his thoughts. The city lights are bright against the clear sky. It’s beautiful, and for once he enjoys the solitude, and peace of the night.

The door opens behind him and jolts him back to reality.

Kara walks up on his left and stands next to him, grasping the cold railing lightly and gazing out at the city like him.  The tension from earlier is back, adding thickness to the freezing air. 

And he’s done pretending.

“I lied, Kara.” She turns her head and looks at him, examining his face for answers. Her golden hair is loose and waving in the winter chill.

“I lied to you,” He turns and looks right back at her. “But you also lied to me.” 

Her brows furrow at his statement.

“I remember the kiss. I remember everything.” As he says the words it’s like a weight has been lifted.

From the look on Kara’s face, whatever she had though he was going to say, this was not it. She looks stunned and hurt. 

It reminds him of how he felt when she walked away in the infirmary.

“Mon-El, why would you do that?” Her voice breaks and he half regrets starting this conversation. This is not how he thought she’d react. He knows she deserves better than him and he looks away.

“Did you think I didn’t want you that way?” He feels a warm pressure and he turns and sees she’s put her hand on his arm, a comforting gesture.

“It’s not because I don’t like you that way, it’s because I didn’t want you to be embarrassed because you did something you regre-" 

She hasn’t even finished her sentence before he puts both hands on either side of her face and kisses her. 

Her hands splay in surprise and she stiffens at first, but seconds later kisses him back, threading one hand in his hair, other hand still on his arm.

When he pulls away, their breath intertwines in the cold air in front of them. He touches her cheek tenderly, and she’s reminded of the kiss in the infirmary. 

"You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that,” he says gently. Kara laughs softly and he swears it’s the best sound he’s ever heard.

She smiles at him and she feels like she’s glowing.

The party is an after thought at this point. However she makes the mistake of looking back through the windows at the party and her face goes beet red. 

Everyone is staring right at them.

Winn’s mouth is hanging open and James’s eyebrows are halfway to the ceiling. Maggie looks impressed and Alex looks shocked, her wine glass tipping precariously.

Kara shoots a look at Alex, who shakes her head, collecting herself, then ushers everyone away to the kitchen, throwing a small smile to Kara as she walks out of sight. 

“Well that was embarrassing,” she says, trying to break the silence somehow.

He laughs a little at that, and she smiles again wrapping her arms around his chest and burying her face there. His arms encircle her and he presses a soft kiss to her hair. She can feel him smile, and she feels something she’s almost sure is bliss.

This is home.

Staring at two different views on your window ledge
Coffee has gone cold, it’s like time froze
There you go wishing, floating down our wishing well
It’s like I’m always causing problems, causing hell
I didn’t mean to put you through this, I can tell
We’re gonna sweep this under the carpet

I hope that I can turn back the time
To make it all alright, all alright for us
I’ll promise to build a new world for us two
With you in the middle



Most recent video! I made latkes with my friend Elle. Sorry about the awful lighting in this video, as the sun sets. But good news: I got a real camera! So future videos will be better quality.

I was supposed to make this and get it printed and mailed before christmas but… that clearly did not happen haha.. HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE THOUGH!! No matter if you celebrate or not, find your favorite person and give them a hug!

don’t be like shiloh. 

don’t throw snow at your friends. 

thats no way to show that you care.