happens-to-me

BMC AU: Jake asks jeremy if he’s ever had sex and jeremy is like “yeah pfft obviously bro” and soon the whole school knows and everyone’s asking who was it??? and jeremy not wanting to get caught in a lie and tells Michael to back him up so obviously Michael heroically says “we had sex” and jeremy is like that is so far from what I meant Michael

at hunk & lance’s 5th grade graduation every kid had to get up and say what their favorite school memory was. hunk’s was “my favorite moment was when i met lance” and lance’s was “my favorite moment was when i met hunk” and while each of them was speaking the other was in the corner dabbing. 

hey gather round children i wanna tell you about a Mistake I made in 1st year uni so you will not be Doomed To Repeat It.

so, my friend in 1st year stole a dildo from like the 3rd frat party she went to, as one does.

and she named it ‘phillip’, because, if you have already stolen a novelty foot-and-change long dildo from a frat house, you should probably give it a name, you know, make it feel at home,

and something you need to know about me is that i am very bad at remembering people’s names. not like, regular bad at remembering people’s names, like, really, really bad. like, i remember about 15 people’s names from all of high school, bad.

so when people in this girl’s friend group would ask me if i’d ‘met phillip’ i’d just…. assume that i had, in fact, met a Human Man named phillip and forgotten and, not wanting to seem rude, i’d say like ‘oh yeah i know him’ or ‘yeah i think so, he seems like a cool guy’

which, in fact, phillip was not. it was a hyper-realistic novelty Jumbo Dildo with a super-strength suction cup on the base.

and this went on! all year mutual friends would ask me if i’d met ‘phillip’ and i’d just keep lying to save face! like i’d met a lot of people in this friend group and not remembered their names, conceivably one of them was The Real Human Man Phillip, who i kept forgetting over and over.

‘yeah we’ve met!’ ‘he seemed nice!’

who is this phillip! people Kept asking me about him like, somehow i don’t remember this super popular guy in our friend group? at this point i’m starting to wonder what’s wrong with me that i don’t remember anything about him? Phillip Whomst?

anyway,

the moral of the story is, write the names of people you meet down or get like, an app or something, or on the last day of term your friend, the dildo thief herself, will say ‘you’ve met phillip, right?’ 

and you’ll say ‘yeah, i think so!’ and she’ll nod and pull a 45cm long dildo out from under her dorm bed, and, like this is a normal thing to do, stick it to the wall via Suction Cup with this tremendous rubbery Thwock, and the whole thing will give a majestic ripple like a flag in a strong wind.

and you will remember in one moment of perfect, transcendent clarity, memory working as god intended, every time that you said, without a hint of sarcasm in your voice, ‘oh yeah i know phillip, i liked him!’

Once you graduate high school, you see who your real friends are. People change. Someone who you thought was your best friend will cut you off completely. Some of us enter high school with plenty of friends and end with only a few close ones. Others of us enter high school with only a few close friends and end with no friends at all. It’s just how life is. It’s like that sometimes. It sucks but it happens to almost everyone.
—  real friends // excerpt from a book I’ll never write #14

@sixpenceee This is a story for you, this literally just happened to me about an hour ago.

I got home from work today and I was singing in the bathroom while I was taking off my makeup. My boyfriend and I record covers of songs and I started to hear music from the living room so I stopped singing to listen. I was hearing a cover we did of Nutshell by Alice in Chains and I thought my voice sounded really good in this particular recording so after a few seconds when my boyfriend walked into the bathroom I asked him which specific audio he played because I liked it.

He looked at me really confused and asked “What do you mean?” I asked him again and he still looked baffled and said slowly “I was playing guitar… I could hear you singing. You sounded really good.” I just stared at him, slowly starting to realize what just transpired.

I thought my boyfriend was playing a recording because I could hear my own voice, or something like it. He thought I was singing from the bathroom for the same exact reason except I wasn’t singing. I don’t know who or what was. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around this, although I am not particularly surprised as weird things seem to gravitate towards me.