Hey, it’s Hannah. Hannah Baker. Don’t adjust your, whatever device you’re hearing this on. It’s me, live and in stereo. No return engagements, no encore, and this time, absolutely no requests. Get a snack. Settle in.
Today I am wearing lacy black underwear, for the sole purpose of knowing I am wearing them. And underneath that, I am absolutely naked.
And I’ve got skin. Miles and miles of skin. I’ve got skin to cover all of my thoughts like Saran Wrap, that you can see through to what leftovers are inside from the night before.
And despite what you might think, my skin is soft and smooth and easily scarred.
But that doesn’t matter, right?
You don’t care about how soft my skin is, you just want to hear about what my fingers do in the dark.
But what if all they do is crack open windows, so I can see lightning through the clouds?
What if all they crave is a jungle gym to climb for a taste of fresher air?
Hey, it’s Hannah. Hannah Baker. Don’t adjust your… whatever device you’re hearing this on. It’s me, live and in stereo. No return engagements, no encore, and this time, absolutely no requests. Get a snack. Settle in. Because I’m about to tell you the story of my life. More specifically, why my life ended. And if you’re listening to this tape, you’re one of the reasons why.
Every episode of 13 Reasons Why: 1x11 Clay. Helmet. Your name does not belong on this list but you need to be here, if I’m going to tell my story, if I’m going to explain why I did what I did. Because you aren’t every other guy. You’re different. You’re good, and kind and decent. And I didn’t deserve to be with someone like you. I never would.
Clay is socially awkward and doesn’t always say or do the right thing but he is a good person.
He did nothing wrong. He did exactly what Hannah told him to. He always does what people tell him to do. He always follows the rules. Hannah was upset and told him to leave and so he did.
But if he’d just looked beyond what she was yelling at him, he would have seen that the last thing she needed at that moment was to be alone. If he’d stopped being so nervous and just told her how he felt things might have turned out differently. If he’d just stopped being Clay for a second he would have seen that it was a cry for a help.
If he’d just stayed with her Jessica never would have been raped, Sheri wouldn’t have knocked the stop sign over, Jeff wouldn’t have died and Hannah might still be alive.
Clay did nothing wrong. How was he to know what Hannah was going through if she never told him? Clay is not the kind of person who can read how people are feeling and know what’s going on inside their head.
Clay, who has the kindest, most pure heart, blames himself. He did nothing wrong but he could have stopped it. The ‘what if’s’ are going to haunt him for the rest of his life and that breaks my heart.
In episode four of Thirteen Reasons Why, the teacher discusses in the background Nietzsche’s philosophy on the concept of intentions. She recites Nietzsche’s most famous quote on the subject, “Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.” Later that episode, in an attempt to exact revenge on Hannah’s stalker, Clay leaks his naked picture to the whole school. He does something that is morally apprehensible, something that the stalker himself did. Clay, in an attempt to fight a monster, became one himself in that moment.