hannah reviews

How My Heart Reads Divide...

Decided to put all of my Ed Sheeran Divide feels/vibes/reviews in one post:

1)  Eraser is a song that left me openmouthed and a little emotionally confused. The lyrical sharpness was like glass and I felt like I kind of understood why Ed took a year off. It is white noise on edge anger simmering below the surface of a whiskey glass or behind a thin curtain of some other deadly vice that helps to numb the price of fame. It’s saying I’m fine but really rocking backwards and forwards within yourself on the floor in a mess of self doubt and regret and just…It’s raw honesty and pride and pretty lies that are more palatable than the harsh truths he delivers within the guise of a steely F64 stream of consciousness ‘what the hell am I doing’It’s heads in hands and excess and the reality of dreams that were born from records and roadtrips and wondering how on earth you ended up here. It’s a little jaded but it’s also a red flag, the moments in life when your brain is steadily inching towards danger but is perhaps able to prevent itself from falling at the last second. It’s realising that perfection is not attainable and that everyone has scars but it’s also about learning to dance with the skeletons in your closet and beating a path for yourself no matter what.

2) Castle On The Hill  sounds like its roots were tended by U2. It’s watching the sun rise from rooftops and rolling down hills. It’s playfights between couples where you laugh so hard you cry. It’s nostalgia and records and country lanes and cars and dancing in the rain. It’s holding hands and walking through villages where you know everyone by name.  It’s cups of tea, nicknames and muddy English football matches. It’s board games and Sunday roasts and long kisses, leaning against brick walls. It’s radiant smiles and having a song and banter between friends. It’s falling in love hard and wholly where everything is like a film reel from a 50′s movie. It’s feeling infinite and having mates and loves who are forever. 

3) Dive - I’m getting really big Stevie Wonder vibes. It’s bluesy with the hooked teeth of a guitar straight into your heart. It’s ragged desperate heartbreak and knowing you feel the stirrings of a person entering your inner world but being scared to jump over the cliff with them. It’s looking into their eyes after the beginnings of something that makes your heart race and saying “dammit I need to know you’re not going to break my heart.”

4) Shape Of You is all first dates and burning liquor and laughs in a crowded bar. It’s stumbling home through wet streets and slow dancing in the doorway. It’s hands in hair and running from a restaurant because you couldn’t pay. It’s watching the breaths of a lover in the dawn. It’s counting the freckles that adorn their stomach and back. It’s lingerie and home cooked meals and Netflix marathons and lazy Sundays when you realise you’ve fallen a little too far so all that you can do is keep falling hard.

5) Perfect is first dances and falling hard. It’s buying a ring because you look over one day and you think “If you walked away, my heart wouldn’t survive. I want to love you for every moment that I’m still alive (I’m writing this through a haze of emotion because this sums up every hope and dream I’ve ever had of the person who’ll love me despite all my hard stuff - wheelchair/anxiety/depression) This song is… true love. I’m going to go ahead and say that I think it’s true that that it’s better than Thinking Out Loud…)

6) Galway Girl is Irish af. I like to think of it as a flashback to the beginning of the Perfect ^^^ love story. It’s catchy and makes me want to do a jig. It reminds me of my parents and my aunties and cousins and uncles and sisters. It’s a clan song. It’s a chance meeting and having pieces fall into place from the very first day. 

7) Happier - AARGH. This is every feeling ever when the person you love even if only from afar seems happier with someone that isn’t you and you know you could do a better job but they might never look your way… I’ll be here, waiting always. 

8) New Man is a bit of 90′s R & B vibes. It’s a hip hop infused ode for what happens when the person who was a part of your heart comes running to you when a new relationship starts. It’s watching them change in front of your eyes for other guys (or girls) and it’s realising you don’t know who a person is anymore. It’s waves of history breaking upon a foreign shore. It’s losing maps to people you thought you knew like the back of your hand… It’s realising that they still want you in a way but it’s too late. 

9) Hearts Don’t Break Around Here is “Yes I’m in love and I want to shout from the rooftops.” It’s the little moments of a couple’s relationship. It’s realising that you’ll look to every day of growing old and the love story you get to live. All I can say is Jesus Christ Cherry, he loves you and it makes me so happy ❤️

10) What Do I Know is Ed’s way of saying Shit maybe they were right… that I saved 2017. He is bringing us all together, a crowd of colours and lives and lover types. No matter who you are, there’s a story on this album for you… It’s a carelessly casual man looking in, saying Fuck you, your walls will never keep us out. We’ll be screaming the words to this music, united and proud. 

11)  How Would You Feel is all butterflies and pure intoxicating love. It’s a girl wearing her boyfriend’s shirt and regular good morning texts. The soft secretive kisses in a car and casually intimate caresses. It’s meeting the family for the first time and imagining one of your own. It’s looking at a person off guard, saying “I love you” and feeling like that person’s your home.

12) Supermarket Flowers is about Ed’s maternal grandmother and it’s making me think of Nana who joined the angels three years ago and… 😭 I miss you so much. I hope you’d be proud of us x.

13) Barcelona is  dancing it out with people who share your heart. It’s Spanish carnival Latin vibes. It makes me think of  girls in deep red skirts and men with roses between their teeth. It’s music in your blood and floating away when you dance. It’s the magic moments of a party where you feel like moments could last forever. Who wants to meet me in Barcelona 😜

14) Bibia Be Ye Ye gives me immediate carnival vibes. It’s infused with the melodies of Africa so I can only assume this was his Ghana project. It’s nights of madness and vibrant colours and familiar strangers who dance on tables and offer you liquor. It’s the feeling I get every time I go to a concert or to a new country, the ideas of exploration and self discovery and stories that will make you ache with laughter years later as you look back on the Polaroids. 

15) Nancy Mulligan with its fiddles and it’s heart of true Irish blood makes me feel like I’m sitting at an impromptu gathering of musicians around my granny’s fire back home in Galway. It’s sepia photographs and wild cliffs and grandparents whose eyes shine with the fires of their youth as they tell you this story. It’s emerald hills and words in an ancient tongue. It’s a more modern Romeo & Juliet. It’s knowing that love transcends everything and you can have anything if you just have love.

 16) Save Yourself  has me gasping for air, my heart broken.
This song is all helping others only to have them treat you like you’re less than the dirt on their shoe. It has me thinking of savage wolves who want to tear you down but still expect you to smile. It’s despair and anxiety and depression with the quiet steady voice of strength that somehow by the tiniest of miracles keeps getting back up. It’s knowing you need to save yourself by loving all the broken parts of you but not really being sure how to do it.

OH MY GOD THIS RECORD IS SHEER BRILLIANCE. I hope you love my review (Sorry it’s so long!!!)

13 Reasons Why

I have just finished watching the last thirteenth episode, and decided to wright my review of this tv series. I read a book 2 years ago and I really liked it, at least as much as you like reading about our f*****d up society that make people want to end their lives. So, when I heared that there will be a tv series based on the book and producer of it is Selena Gomez, it was interesting for me to watch. So there came the premier and I watched maybe 3 episodes and today I watched the last one. I don’t know why, but I didn’t have very high hopes for this one, but this show was a hundred times better that I could imagine. “13 Reasons Why” is very emotional, sombre and really heartbraking. When I watched every episode, and espesially the last one, I wanted ro cry or I cried, actually right now I am sitting with tears on my eyes after watching 13 episode. 

It is actually hard to watch how ugly our society is. All those people on the tapes, not all but the majority of them didn’t feel themselves guilty, they just wanted save their own asses and live happily ever after, forgetting about the fact that they were the main reason why Hannah will never have a future. And I think that it’s very interesting that when Clay remembers Hannah, everything is so bright and sunny and when there shown present everything is grey and colourless, it’s like Hannah was that person to Clay that made him happy and when she’s gone everything around him is reflection of his devistation. She also had plans for future, she had her dreams that’ll never come true. Hannah Baker was a pretty positive and friendly person, we can see it in the beggining. But this school and those people broke her and unfortunatelly this is happenning not only in the book or tv series it is happenning in real life.School was a hell for me, teachers didn’t gave a f**k about us, no, they actually did but only about popular kids, and kids were really cruel, I was bullied too and I know that It might also happened to you too. We can all relate to one of the characters, whether you are Hannah, Clay, Jessica, Alex or someone else.

 I truly believe that every person have to see this tv series and think about how we treat other people and to what consequcses it may lead. We have to be less egoistic and care more about others. Also, I think that parents should watch it too, because it very presiecly pictures teenager’s life nowadays and parents have to know what is going on with their children. Moreover not only parents have to talk with their children, but we also have to be more open with them. And if you are a person that think that your story is similiar to Hannah’s in some way, please listen to me( I know that I am a complete stranger, so why would you listen to me, but), if you feel that your life is pointless just stop for a second and think, imagine your life after all this shit will be over, and you’ll have a long life ahead of you, you can move to another city or country, get a job of your dream and you’ll have a people around that will care about you. So, if you have a problem talk about it, tell it to your parents, or friend or just write me, I promise I will listen to you and I know that for some reasone it’s much easier to talk to the stranger than to people that are close to you.

Jessa, Adam, and Hannah in between (but over them)

I have loved (and at times hated) the characters of HBO’s ‘Girls’. They’ve made me cry, laugh, roll my eyes, and ask, “WHY?!”, more times than I can recall, but overall, it’s been a lot more relatable to me, than Sex And The City And Their Unaffordable Life (that’s what it should’ve been). There are two relationships that’ve been tearing at me for the longest time now, and that is the falling-out of the romantic one between Adam and Hannah, and the “friendship” between Hannah and Jessa.

Jessa for me, has always been this mix of that indie-jaded free-spirited, confident woman who at the end of the day is comfortable with the choices she’s made. She’s someone I wish I could be, and also someone I hope to never become, because while she may seem empowered, she’s also just as guilty as Hannah for being selfish in her own self-destructive way. Now, what strikes me as odd, is a lot of people beginning to think that she’s second choice to Hannah (when it comes to Adam). After tonight’s episode (SPOILER ALERT - DO NOT READ ON if you haven’t watched), it is confirmed that is indeed, what she is. However, what you may not realize or remember, is that that was how their relationship began in the first place: Hannah choosing herself over Adam.

You see, back when Adam was being an ass while getting involved in that play (where we first met Desi), he kept choosing to be around theatre people and hanging out with them and less so with Hannah. That’s fine, he was following his dreams, and getting a really awesome role out of it. Yet, when Hannah got the offer to go to Iowa for her writing, he was less than enthused, but in the end, supported her, or so it appeared. So when she returned to find that Adam not only did not wait for her, but also practically moved his new girlfriend Mimi-Rose (the first really put-together woman he dated really) in, yeah, it threw her for a loop. What really hurt was that we learned that it was Jessa that not only encouraged him to move on, but introduced him to the new girl. That’s not a dear friend, that should’ve been the end of that friendship right there, because Hannah wasn’t trying to go with other guys, she just wanted to prove herself as a writer. Only after Mimi-Rose and Adam split, and after Sample was born, did he have that “epiphany” that he was done being away from Hannah and wanted her back, literally reached his hand out towards her. What did she do? She said, “I can’t.”, then pulled her hand away.
Season five, suddenly he’s into Jessa, and Jessa knows it’s against friends to date their exes (you practically have all the info without learning it for yourself, you know? Like a ‘How To Date My Ex: The Right Way’ novel), but still, they eventually become a couple. But, I’ve wondered since that season, if Jessa ever knew that he went back to Hannah, and that if she hadn’t pulled away, they’d still be going through their usual ups and downs - Jessa wouldn’t be in the picture.

Hannah’s baby threw Adam off his game. It’s like when you go on Facebook and see the old friends you used to be close to, reaching these huge milestones (babies, marriages, promotions, visiting that one place you always said you wanted to go to, etc), but deep down you know it’s reached that point where you don’t feel close enough to truly congratulate them aside from a like or comment. When you see your former best friend and say, “we should get together sometime”, knowing you never will. Adam is as he said, looking back over his shoulder, where this intense and oddly loving relationship was with Hannah. I also think he’s fearful of Jessa falling out-of-love with him, because as we all saw in his film, he’s clearly a very emotionally insecure person.

As Adam and Hannah poorly attempt to rekindle the flame that they had, slowly she starts piecing together that not only is he doing this because the baby meant she was moving forward, but that he was coming up with these plans too fast and not giving himself a chance to breathe. When she sees the mom washing her baby alone on the baby-tub package, it’s dawned on her that the plans she’s made were for that of herself and above all, her kid. From that point on, we should all know that this ship is about to finally sink like the Titanic we knew it was. In a diner over a couple of bowls of soup, Hannah’s eyes begin to fill with tears, and because Adam knows Hannah too well, and could see that the reality finally set into her that this isn’t going to work, he also tearfully realizes that it’s over.

We don’t see them say anymore goodbyes, but we know that while Jessa did attempt to revert to her old ways of getting over something (a la Season 1 episode 2), it didn’t work, because she truly does love Adam, and Adam, rejected by Hannah once again, returns to her, and with a sad smile, she goes to buzz him in.

All forms of relationships begin, end, get back together or draw away. Whatever or whoever happens in that time between can change a person, or may be it doesn’t, and you realize you’re the one that changed. The point is that you can’t go back. The blanks won’t be filled, because they no longer need to be. People may be chapters of a book in your life, but I’d like to think of it as a series, not a stand alone. Sometimes you have to put the book down, and start a new one.

Review: 13 Reasons Why - 1x04 (Tape 2, Side B)

The ugly side of the human being.

Tape 2 - Side B is for Taylor, Taylor decided because he loves Hannah that he had the right to take pictures of her in her own room Invading her privacy, affecting her safety, making her paranoid. He can still be worse and he divulges the photos.

I need to control myself because this show makes me feel sad and make feel  all this negative feelings like hate.

Because I don’t know what else to feel when I had to listen to this:

“Nothing anyone did to her was any different than what happens to every girl at every high school”

“She just wanted attention”

Because even after all this, they can’t understand the effects of bullying and sexual harassment, so they don’t deserve a second chance.

I can’t handle it. If I comment on every single thing these idiots say or did I’ll just repeat bad words. Let’s change:

Clay has always been a passive person, but this is starting to change, he’s starting to confront people, I will not judge him for having released the photo, it was wrong, especially after everything he heard on the tapes, but Clay is a flaws person, and the fears, anger, sadness, but especially the powerless is become unbearable, he’s on a journey of self-knowledge, I only hope he knows what he is doing and whether he will be able to bear the consequences. After all, it’s a butterfly effect.

Kate Walsh is doing an expressional job as a mother trying to make sense of everything, and it’s hard to watch the people who are left behind, I know that Hannah was hurt and she just wish the pain was gone, but we don’t usually stop to think About the people who is left behind. Sherlock (BBC) have a super interesting quote about that:

“Taking you own life. Interesting expression — taking it from who? Once it’s over, it’s not you who’ll miss it. Your own death is something that happens to everybody else. Your life is not your own. Keep your hands off it.”

Committing suicide is something that affects not only the victim, but also those who keep living after the person’s died, Suicide will stop your pain, but, not everyone else; everyone else will stay here and mourn,

13 Reasons Why

My friend, who I usually admire for his opinion and views, just finished the serie and gave it 3/10. We had some conversation about it. 

I have a lot of thoughts about the serie. I loved the serie.

He really disliked Hannah Baker and I feel so sad she was not understood one more time.

Many critics call Hannah Baker “Drama Queen”.
I think, what is important, is to accept Hannah as an individual.
“Those people just stayed those people, themselves” while watching the serie.
But Hannah Baker was 17 years old, weak, naive, highschool girl. Imperfect girl.

Why she couldn’t stay alive for her parents, even for Clay? Wasn’t their love enough?

Hannah was robbed of herself, she did not love herself anymore, she was a ghost. Her soul disappeared, she probably felt just like a shell (more her f/cking rape scene!).
And yes, I hoped she would be strong enough, but she sadly wasn’t. I hoped she would think of those who loved her and how she’d hurt them by the act, but sadly she was way too lost. She killed herself and she broke my heart.

And everyday there are adult people who have love of their kids, parents, siblings, friends, and they still are “selfish” and do it as well.
Why Hannah can’t be as imperfect as those people?

Why she was such a drama queen?

She actually wasn’t that much… The tapes were “drama queen”ish. But the tapes came after everything. So really, how much drama queen was she when Jessica slapped her when she did nothing wrong? How much drama queen was she when Justin took a picture of her panties and whole school saw it and laughed at it? She only run away and was embarassed and devastated; is that really a drama queen?

She was 17 years old, naive, weak, girl. She was a sweet girl, not the type who would tell everyone to “STFU”. Is this the reason to die? Because she was naive and weak? “The natural selection”?! 
Some EMPATHY people!

Then she was f/cking raped by an ugly pig who f/cking raped her friend before infront of her own eyes.
Maybe if all the “small bullies” didn’t happen before, maybe she would get over the rape. But it was all built up by those “little things”. So they had to be part of it. They were parts of the reason why, by right.

I was bullied when I was 13-14 age. I was, and I still am, a “sharp mouth” kid. But still, I ended up in tears, running away from the classroom to bathrooms where I kind of broke infront of my best friend when she came after me. It wasn’t suicidal.
Comparing to the story, firstly, I am stronger character than Hannah Baker. Secondly, it wasn’t that serious.
But I got probably more empathy towards Hannah than my friend does because of that. I understand why she was so hurt, because I was on that side too.
There is the side of people who laugh, they simply have fun, they don’t even mean to hurt you, seriously, they don’t think/feel/understand that what they are doing could be really hurting you. Then there are you, there was me, the hurt one. Why do they do it? What have I done? Why don’t they like me? Am I not worthy? - I am not kidding. It feels so lonely, you feel like a shit.

And you know, that is what the show was about. This was its purpose. Not just to tell a really worthy story, but to raise awareness. To send message to all those prankers out there, that there are two sides, that what you say hurts a lot. And to those who are bullied, “don’t let it go that far”, “fight for yourself”, “be stronger than Hannah” because we all wish she were

So please, don’t call Hannah Baker a “drama queen”, because then you call my 14 years old self, who is crying at school toilets, a “drama queen”.

13 Reasons Why

So I just finished 13 reasons why and well, if you don’t know about it just go check it out seriously. I have so many emotions towards this tv series, it really made me see the world in a different way.


So Hannah Baker… I am not really fond of her actually and as for what I’ve read this is a general opinion. Sure she is dramatic but I can’t really judge her on this matter because every person has a way of dealing with things and I get that. What bothers me is that she just wants people to find out how she’s feeling without even talking to anyone. I know she has tried when she wrote that letter to Zach but that’s all. And why Zach? Why did she tell Zach? She didn’t even know him. And what bothered me the most was how needy she was when it came to boys. First Justin, then Marcus and Zach. I don’t get it. She just needed to grow.

Clay Jensen, I enjoyed him. Not my favorite but cute. He was so sweet and was always there to help his friends. He was so good to Hannah. Everyone needs a Clay Jensen as a friend. What I didn’t like so much about him was how insecure he was. About Hannah specially. I hated to see him hurt so much and he sure didn’t need to blame himself for Hannah’s death. He was just doing what she asked. It wasn’t his fault but still he cared so much about her that it drove him crazy. I loved how he was trying to get justice for Hannah. (I know in the book Hannah actually mentions that Clay was on the tapes because she wanted him to know why she killed herself.)

Favorite character: Alex Standall 

I do love Alex. He knew what he did was wrong and accept that. He always stood up for the truth and himself even if that meant getting a black eye. Yes, he was a jerk when he made that list but he couldn’t know the consequences would be that bad, for him was just a stupid list. He just gets that what he did was wrong and he is truly sorry. He was always the one that stated that what Hannah said on the tapes was true and that they need to deal with it. He knew what was right and wasn’t afraid to paid for his mistakes. I do hope that he is okay and gets through to the next season because he doesn’t deserve to die. 

Least favorite character: Courtney Crimsen

She is so annoying. Throughout the whole series she keeps saying that what Hannah says on the tapes is not true when she clearly knows it is true. She is ready to lie to the police because she’s afraid that people find out she is a lesbian. She prefers that people not know the truth about her than that justice is made to Jessica and Hannah about Bryce. She’s just messed up and a selfish bitch who doesn’t care about anything but herself. I’m not saying that coming out is not hard but that are worst things than that like death, for example.

Favorite ship: Justin and Jessica

You thought I would say Clay and Hannah, well no. Don’t get me wrong, I love Clay and Hannah’s romance but not as much or as deep as Justin and Jessica’s. Justin and Jessica? They’re not the perfect couple, they’re not even close to being one but there’s something about them. Justin’s life is so messed up with everything with his mom and her crazy boyfriends, always having to run away from home. Tragic. I feel sorry for him. His character has a deeper meaning, you know. He hides his problems through his personality and how he acts. He’s a jerk, yes. But there’s a reason for that and we need to understand that. He acts tough and all but in the inside he’s broken and is crying for help. And there was Jessica, caring for him, loving him. Something his mom could never give him. So he started to care for her and it grew into something more, actual love. He knows he messed up real big and he regrets it like crazy but there’s really nothing he can do. And I get Jessica, he let her be raped. What an asshole. But she loves him and she knows he loves her. Either way, there’s no way you can recover from that so she has to move on. And that’s what makes them so real. Their last scene he’s desperate but he knows he’s not getting her back. I love their relationship because it shows that love is not all. Sometimes love is not enough. They loved each other so much but it was not enough. 

Other characters:

Zach: What he did was bad. Really bad. He knew what was going on with Hannah and he didn’t help. But he’s a good person. When he showed Clay the letter Hannah wrote to him, I can see he was sorry. He felt guilty for not helping her and now was to late. He liked Hannah and he just wanted to be her friend and get close to her. I believe that just because he hang out with Bryce and Justin, Hannah kind of put him in the same place as them. But he wasn’t like Justin and Bryce, he truly cared. I feel like he wanted to help but didn’t know how. And know was to late and he did blame himself. Zach is a kind person.

Marcus: He’s such a jerk. He pretends to be the perfect student but it’s all just a facade. He’s a coward. What he did to Hannah, why? Why couldn’t he understand she didn’t what to do that? No means no.  

Skye: I really liked her character. Skye was struggling but that didn’t stop her from being friendly. She was really an outsider but she obviously cared for Clay. She knew who to trust and who don’t. She was a good friend. 

Bryce and Tyler: These two disgust me, specially Bryce obviously. I really hope they get caught next season and get what they deserve. Stalking someone? Raping someone? These are serious stuff. They need to pay for what they did. 

Jeff: He didn’t deserve to die. Clay and Jeff’s friendship was the best. I cried a lot when I found out that he had died because from the previous episodes that didn’t show so I never thought he could be dead. Jeff was encouraging and supportive and didn’t deserve his fate. I loved him. 

Tony: He was such a good friend. To Hannah, to Clay. He is such an amazing character. He does everything to help Clay while he’s listening to the tapes, to make him understand. And he just wants to honor Hannah and do what she has asked. He has a lot of love in his heart and just wanted to do what’s best.

Sheri: She didn’t deserve to be on the tapes. She made a mistake, huge mistake but she was hurting and was really sorry about it. She did everything she could and couldn’t to make it up for it and had a really huge heart. 

Mr. Porter: This is real. This is serious. This is what happens at a lot of schools. Incompetent professionals. They never take things serious, it’s just a phase till it’s not. And then the damage it’s done. This is not a joke. When students go to counselors it’s because they need help. It’s their job to take things serious. It’s their job to help. Not to minimize everyone teens say and believe it’s just them overreacting. To them it’s not, it’s real, it’s in their heads. And they need someone competent to help them. If they come to you, it’s because every other option has vanished. Be aware, believe. Depression is real, suicide is real and it has becoming more and more common among teenagers. Mr. Porter is needed and it’s important. 

ps: this is in a random order.

About the story:

This really made me think about my actions. Am I doing things right? I’m cautious now. About how I act, what I say. You never know when you’re going to say the wrong thing. You think it’s okay but it may not be. Even the small things can mean something big. You don’t what people are going through. Hannah’s story creates awareness. It makes you think. Suicide is not a joke. Sometimes I think society sees suicide as an act of cowardliness but I couldn’t disagree more. If someone takes or is thinking of taking their own life that means the world failed them. Not them that failed the world. People easily put the fault in somebody else but never accept it as their own. Maybe that’s what we should do. Deal with the consequences of our acts. Every word, every gesture means something, use it wisely.

Reasons to like and dislike 13 Reasons Why (the series)

For those of you who don’t know, 13 Reasons Why is originally a best-selling book written by Jay Asher. It is about a girl who recorded 13 tapes prior to committing suicide. The tapes were sent to Clay Jensen who later figured out that the tapes had been passed on around people who are in Hannah Baker’s list of reasons and people who are at fault with her decision of ending her life.

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Cover Me With Confidence

I want to preface this review by saying that as a model I have never been 100% confident in a bikini. Others find it ironic to hear that a person who spends so much time in front of the camera is usually the most body aware and sensitive to judgement. This is usually self induced and mainly due to stigmas created by fallacies of perfection in the commercial world. That being said, I was nervous to go to the first weekend of Coachella’s biggest music festival in a crop top and cut off shorts because of my uneven tan lines and pale complexion. 

Luckily, a friend of mine recommended Shannon at Sunless Spray Tans in El Paseo, Palm Springs. 

To start, Shannon was so kind to squeeze me in for a quick tan which not only involved adding an extra glow to my skin color but also a super boost of confidence that lasted beyond the weekend.

I left her quaint salon feeling sun kissed, pampered by her kind words, with a subtle glow from her safe and effective spray tan technique. Needless to say, I definitely plan on returning to Shannon although it will be quite a drive from my home base in LA. Trust me, it’s totally worth it!

During the festival weekend I felt such a new sense of confidence. I was excited to shoot with the photographer, Moyo Pollo, while I was in the desert too. Here are images - unedited - from our impromptu shoot which I couldn’t be happier with. I’ve never enjoyed being in a bikini more thanks to Shannon at Sunless Spray Tans!

Eddie Redmayne 2016: A year in the life, Part 1

He was nominated again for every major acting award, was the face of an international designer, sold nearly a billion dollars worth of tickets fronting a new part of the Harry Potter franchise and finally received his OBE from the Queen.

Still, the most significant event of 2016 for Eddie Redmayne had to be the birth of his daughter, Iris Mary, on June 15.

There had been rumors of Hannah’s pregnancy, but the couple made it official (if telling Ryan Secrest on E! Television is official) during the Golden Globes pre-broadcast. The couple hit red carpets during awards season with Hannah’s baby bump becoming increasingly visible.

In infanticipation, the couple took a babymoon after the Oscars, first enjoying the Los Angeles area (with Eddie’s parents along briefly), then spending time in Japan surrounding The Danish Girl premiere there, and finally, on a romantic sojourn to Paris. Back at home in London, they were seen taking the Tube.

The first the world knew of Iris Mary’s arrival was through a tasteful announcement in a London newspaper. As she passed her six-month birthday, we had yet to see her, but Mum and Dad have been spotted on occasion pushing her pram (including a trip to the Rio Olympics, Iris’ first foreign journey). Dad talked of being sleep deprived but gushed over fatherhood and was even seen taking Iris out on his own. 

The focused young actor is now a devoted husband and father.


as I started with the first few episodes I started to love it because I could relate to it and I was getting really curious why Hannah killed herself and what the others had to do with that. it’s a great show don’t get me wrong I would recommend it 11/10 to everyone.
but I still hate it. why?
because I have never before cried so much while watching a show. I have never before felt so close to the main character of a show before. I have never before been exposed to EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY EVERY DAY THOUGHTS, PROBLEMS AND MANY TRAUMAS like that.
friends who come and go.
misunderstandings that fucked everything up.
emotional abuse.
being an outsider and underdog.
fatal heartbreak.
bullying in every way on the most disgusting levels.
a stalker.
another rape.
suicidal tendencies.
and lastly,
the suicide attempt. that (different from my own experience) succeeded.

I still see the suicide scene in my head. over and over again. I see the blade cutting through skin and I see the blood spilling out. I see Hannah slowly running short of breath. I see her dying. I see her parents coming into the room freaking out.
I see the two rape scenes too.
I see Jessica who’s unconscious on the bed while her boyfriend tries to open the locked door to the room where his best friend rapes her.
I see Hannah in the pool, trying to get out of it but the same guy as in the first rape scene pulls her back in and just starts doing it. I see Hannah stopping fighting back because she realizes it’s too late and she’s got no chance to get out of this so the only thing she can do is wait until it’s over.

I see so many other scenes in my head.
I see all the scenes that looked way too realistic. I see everything that happened to me in a different but still similar way.

I hear everything too.

I even dreamt about it. twice already.

but the worst part of it all isn’t dreaming about it or seeing it or hearing it again and again and again.

the worst part is that

I feel the pain. the sadness. the anger. the desperation. the hopelessness. the loneliness. the disappointment. the heartbreak.
just everything.

I feel it all because I felt it before. I felt it as all those things happened to me. and this stupid TV show brought it all back. I was about to get over all those things, I was about to forget how it all felt.
but everything came back. just like that.
I feel it all stronger than ever.

‘13 Reasons Why’ is still a good show.
for people who can take it. for people who can deal with all those terrible things.
but for some it can be so fucking awful triggering like it was for me.
for me it was just the most painful day I experienced for a long time. and I wish to never have watched this show because now I’m stuck in those memories I was trying to forget.

I’m lost in the past.

Thoughts on Girls S5 E6 from someone who had given up on this show:

While i enjoyed the first few seasons of Girls i had completely lost interest by the fourth season (Hannah in Iowa is so boring). I found it increasingly predictable, boring, self serving and just plain annoying. And really now that Adam Driver is in Star Wars is there really any reason to watch this show. But a friend said she had watched the most recent episode of Girls and that it was amazing; and i just so happened to be bored enough today to catch up on the episodes i had missed (they mostly sucked by the way so don’t bother if you haven’t seen them) and eventually got to Season 5 Episode 6 ‘The Panic in Central Park’ (which is actually an amazing episode). I wont go over the plot of the episode (cause google exists) but the episode revolves around Marnie (the second most annoying character) and Charlie (holy crap charlie’s back and has a beard… and a drug habit) and it feels like a completely different show. The show looks visually different and feels decidedly more surreal and fantastical then other episodes it still has the gross aspects that Girls always does (i.e: wearing sneakers with a ball gown, walking bare feet in Brooklyn, a mugging, and a communal bathroom). While i usually hate when ensemble shows do capsule episodes but this is the best thing Girls has done for a while. Its romantic yet dark (kissing charlies forehead then finding a needle in his jeans), its self contained yet movies the storyline forward (Marnie dumps Desi at the end… finally) and its dramatic yet funny (Desi telling marnie she is probably gonna get murdered is just lol). While i doubt that the rest of the season will be anywhere near as good as this episode i would recommend watching it then quickly get back to watching better shows. 


* Trigger warning & sorry for length: my thoughts on buffering *

I’ve read the book once and listened to it twice. To say I enjoyed this book would be an understatement. I was supporting this book to the fullest before it even came out, a lot of you know I got the buffering tattoo inspired by this book the day before the release, it’s honestly the one of the most important tattoo I have on my body, lets get back to the book though, It was so well spoken, raw and eye opening. I can honestly say this Is one of the most raw and breathtaking books to ever exist, Hannah did a remarkable job! She’s not only beautiful on the outside but she’s one of the strongest people I’ve ever come across. Her courage, bravery and honesty in this book was remarkable. She’s worked so hard to get where she is today, there’s been hard times and good times but she’s made it through, I’m so proud of her for everything she’s accomplished. She’s defiantly taught me to practice reckless optimism. A few days ago i posted on tumblr about how reading & hearing the book was a completely different experience & hannah rebloged it. She said recording the audio was the hardest part & I don’t blame her. I couldn’t imagine having to relive those moments & read my life story for people to hear but she did such a good job! I’m so proud of her! Hearing her read it was heartbreaking though because at times you could feel her emotions, I felt like I could feel the memories & pain in her words. For me personally the hardest parts of her reading it were during things I could relate to. I related to a lot In the book but there’s four parts that hit me the most, her sisters death, her mom’s house, her struggle accepting her sexuality and self harm.

My family has had a history of suicide, I didn’t know that until I was in middle school dealing with suicidal thoughts myself. After a few suicide attempts I got the help I needed, I still deal with depression today but I haven’t had a suicide attempt since 2014. Hannah you’re part of that reason so thank you. But I’m getting off track, the reason that part of her life hit me the hardest is because my cousin shot himself in the head in 2012. We found him by the creek and later found a suicide note left at his work place. When hannah talked about her sister it was triggering, I cried and everything was okay but the similarities where crazy to me. The shooting, the way hannah was told about it, just so much about that part of her life brought back vivid memories of find out and not understanding why he’d do this, I always thought If I was there maybe I could have helped him, survivors guilt tore me apart. Before I read this book I didn’t know anyone who dealt with a loved one killing themselves other than my family, I knew people related obviously because suicide happened’s more than it should but I just didn’t talk to anyone that I knew who had. So hearing hannah talk about it defiantly made me feel less alone and that my feelings were valid.

In chapter 19 hannah goes to her moms house with Kati to take photos of the house for evidence, what she said reminded me of my moms house. I remember being 3 years old and told my dog had cancer and was put down, I remember being able to get to the bedroom without struggling through a mess, it was a clear path. I don’t know when things started to change but less people came around the house and you could hardly get around the house without stepping on things by the time I was 7. For whatever reason my mom couldn’t let go of things, she became a hoarder but never wanted to admit it. Hannah’s experiences with her mom’s house are on a whole different scale than mine ever was, the house never had cockroaches, maggots or mice but it was pilled with stuff, the bathroom had water damage and a bit of mold, something would fall apart at lest once a week whither it was the door or sink-something always went, most of the food had mold, dishes were everywhere, you couldn’t escape dust it was on everything, the list goes on. The worst of it was the bathroom and kitchen, no matter how much you would clean you wouldn’t look like you even made a dint in the room. I remember coming home in the winter from school and all I could smell was dog pee and poop, during the day while everyone was away the dog was in the house because of the winter cold. My sister and I would clean the floor of the kitchen as much as we could but it was almost impossible to get rid of because of how many things were in the way. That smell will never leave my mind, it was the worst smell I’ve ever smelt. The one time my sister got rid of a random bag that was near it and when my mom found out let’s just say that was the last time we ever made that choice.I remember my sister and I building this dog house and using insulation we found to try and keep it warm for our dog the one year, it took forever to build but we were proud. Once mom left for work we’d let her out and go to school. It helped a lot, no more coming home to the smell of feces on the floor. But that only lasted one winter, by summer my mom got angry about not having “enough space” in the yard for guests to visit or something like that so she got rid of it. No one ever came over though, our yard was small we couldn’t do much anyway but that dog house came in handy, I didn’t understand what she was thinking getting rid of it. I didn’t understand why our house was always such a mess until I was in middle school and my friend mentioned to me that she thought my mom was a hoarder. At the time I honestly had no idea what that word meant but when I found out I felt as though we found an answer to why our house was always cluttered. I was embarrassed, I wouldn’t bring friends home. I remember one time a family friend dropped me off and asked if she could use the washroom and I froze- I was scared and embarrassed but my mouth said “yes” to be polite. She called my mom a hoarder too, that was the second person ever to say that.. Being the type of kid who had anxiety about not being clean, this was the worst environment for me but it was home. No matter how inhabitable it was, it was still home. When my sister and I moved out things got worse in her home but everything changed for us, the main one for me was moving out gave me less anxiety attacks because my house is clean. If I’m really busy or just don’t feel like doing laundry i can leave it for a week and not worry about having nothing to wear or about having an anxiety attack Because i know I’ll get it done. My mom has always been a really hard worker, she worked 4 jobs and still does today. I love my mom and over the years we’ve got her to go to a psychologist and get the help she needs, we found out that the mental illness that she has brought out and feeds her hoarder tendencies. Its a work in progress but things are looking up.

For me being gay came off as natural, my first kiss was with a girl in 6th grade, maybe it was the relationship I had with my uncle who was also gay or maybe it was just the fact that I was so open minded growing up but either way I followed what felt right. However in high school I did happen to struggle with understanding my true sexuality, I started questioning myself as to what I was. I knew I liked girls but everyone expected me to marry a man, what if I’m not attracted to men because I haven’t met the right one? So many questions I had no answers to, luckily I had friends who were open minded and we were able to figure something’s out. My friend Logan hated labels, always has so through out high school she’d always say not to label your sexuality. Growing up with my uncle being gay, I knew who in the family was accepting and who wasn’t. When I came to terms with my sexuality I knew who I’d come out to first. I’d say I had it pretty easy though, I lost a few family members and received hate from them because of their religious values but at the end of the day it could have been alot worse. I came out at 17 as a lesbian and by the time I was 19 most of my family knew. Throughout the time I’ve been openly gay I’ve only had a few scary experiences but I defiantly consider myself lucky.

Hannah’s so good with words, the way she spoke about depression was on point. Now I don’t remember the first time I started to self harm, my sister says she remembers me being 10 punching the side walk while we waited for the bus. I don’t remember that but that was the year I watched my sister have her first of many seizure’s, crying in her best friends arms asking if she’s going to die. That day has never left my mind, at that age I was already dealing with bullying maybe that was the tipping point. That was also the year after my mom betrayed me for the second time which is a whole other story so maybe that was the first time, maybe it did start that young or maybe it started even younger than that, I remember being 7 years old just wanting to fight and I always put myself in dangerous situations that I knew I couldn’t get out of because I wanted to get hurt, would that be self harm? I’m not sure but if it does my self harm journey started a lot earlier than I thought. If I was to say when I started self harming, personally I’d say 12 because to be honest my first vivid memory of self harm was at 12 (unless the age 7 thing counts), As a kid I didn’t know how to deal with my anxiety or emotions, instead I would pull out hair and punch any surface I could find. One specific memory that’s coming to mind was during Christmas, I remember being in the basement of my grandmas house alone while everyone else was having a good time. I’m not sure what was wrong or if something happened that morning but I remember repeatedly slamming my head against the wall. From then on forward there’s just a lot of memories of punching things, I even did what hannah said in the book- I use to press my fist against a wall as hard as I could. It wasn’t until I was 14 I moved from punching things to cutting, I soon realized that was the worst thing I could have done. I tried to hide it but it didn’t always work out. My scars became aggressive, almost impossible to hide. Grade 9 was the first year anyone asked me what they saw, we were close friends and she just wanted to help but it drove us away from each other. Later that year she was actually the one who got me the help i needed but didn’t appreciate at the time but am so grateful for today. She told the counselor she talked to and later that day I was called down. The help I received was on and off for 2 years but by the time I was in grade 11 I was receiving the help i needed for self harm and depression constantly. I still receive help today and its a everyday struggle but I haven’t relapsed for 3 years, which is the longest I’ve ever gone. There’s times when I put my fist against a wall wanting to do it but Instead I take a deep breath and go do something that’ll distract me from whatever is making me want to do it, which really does work.

In grade 3 I was diagnosed with ADHD, and saw a psychiatrist again at 20 because growing up I always heard “ADHD isn’t real” or “you’ll outgrow it” or “you just need to focus” the stigma around it made me felt like it didn’t exist and that something else must be going on and that I was misdiagnosed, turns out I wasn’t. I learned a lot about ADHD after that and realized a lot of the little things I did was because of it. Things like having to start reading whole chapters over when I’m basically done it because I got distracted by something else, or when my mind is racing because there is so many things I want to do but I don’t know where to start, why i always detect the slightest sounds and stop everything I’m doing to see what it was, How my mind only becomes a sponge to the things i ’m passionate about, why I always have to be doing something with my hands and Why my mind will be filled with a million thoughts and i’ll forget about what I was supposed to do but i’ll come upon a topic that’s so amazing that I put 110% into that topic. In that moment I can’t think about anything else. Lets just say thank god for therapists and psychologists!

I kept feeling drawn back to my own memories while reading this book but It also had things I’ve never dealt with so it was really eye opening. It showed me a side of hannah we rarely ever see. I’ve taken so many things away from this book to use to better my life and I’m grateful to be alive in a generation that hannah is apart of. I do feel bad she had to relive those memories to write this book though but she’s created such a beautiful written book, that will be forever imprinted in millions of minds, creating a more united community in understanding issues most people don’t talk about while braking stigmas and I hope she realizes how amazing that is. I. Do want to say Everyone should listen to chapter 22. It breaks my heart knowing how many family’s in the world don’t receive the help they need with mental illness because of legal reasons. Everyone deserves to be treated and live as “normal” of a life as possible but in today’s world it feels like mental illness is swept under the rug and left for dead and that’s not okay! Our system is broken, always has been. If we are capable of change, why can’t a system be to? Why do we feel things are out of our reach? Is it because the government makes some of us feel small, maybe because we fear we’ll fail, or is it because we don’t think it’s our problem? But if its not our problem, then who’s is it? There’s a quote I love to live by “if not now, then when?. If not you, then who?”. I think that fits perfectly here, a lot of us have been affected by loved ones having mental illnesses un medicated or you’re dealing with it yourself but either way we all know someone or will in our life time. The legal system when it comes to things like sexual assault, mental illness/health, foster care, etc is horrible. Hannah has made the impossible possible with getting her mom help, but it was hard enough for her to do that so what about the rest of the world? Things NEED to change, breaking the stigma and raising awareness is a start but beyond the stigma, laws need to be changed too. I recommend everyone to read or listen to the audio of this breathtaking book, you won’t regret it. To you Hannah thank you so much for being such a kind, honest, humble human. You stand up for what you believe in and that’s really inspiring. I hope the best for your family and if there’s honestly anything at all I could do, simply just let me know. Everyday is a struggle that we don’t know until its already happening and the hardest thing to do is be positive in those moments, even hannah deals with moments insecurity, struggle, depression, etc but to anyone reading this you’re worthy of happiness and a good life. In times of struggle try your best to practice reckless optimism. It won’t be easy but you have the power to choose some of the battles you face. We have the power to break stigma, the power to make change. Hannah has shown us time after time we have a voice, we have the ability to impact lives. So lets practice reckless optimism, stand for something and make a difference. Whither it’s with one life or hundreds, go out and try to make a difference and be kind to one another.

OneRepublic – The Fillmore – Philadelphia, PA – November 29, 2016

OneRepublic played at The Fillmore on Tuesday, November 29 and did not disappoint. I grew up listening to the bands’ progress and I’ve seen them come up with some hits and some not so popular songs. Now, the band is back and better than ever with a new album and a new sound. Here are some of my observations form the concert…

Music is rarely live anymore

It feels like nowadays it is hard to get a genuinely good band to play live and put their soul into their performance. To my surprise, Ryan Tedder, OneRepublic’s lead singer holds many talents. Not only does my new man crush hit all the high notes but he rocks a tambourine and plays his heart out on the piano. Brent Kutzle, the bands’ cellist, began to play Secrets and the crowd went wild. It’s live music and talent like theirs that has guided this bands’ success over the years.

The Crowd

Unfortunately, the turnout at the Fillmore was disappointing, taking into consideration it was a Tuesday night and the show was a special promotion by American Airlines and MasterCard. However, everyone that did attend danced and sang along as if there was a full house. It is rare to get good energy from the entire crowd nowadays. Because the turnout was not huge, the concert felt a lot more personal, which added to the vitality of the night.

Ryan Tedder should be a Comedian

Intermittently throughout the amazing performance put on by the band, Tedder would intervene with hilarious words of wisdom and jokes. The band did an excellent job keeping the crowd’s interest throughout the night.

Their New Sound

OneRepublic released their latest album on October 7, 2016, almost two years after their last album. The sound is completely new, but definitely did not disappoint. The new album features other guest artists like Peter Gabriel and Santigold, which Tedder was very excited about. They played one of their new songs “A.I.,” saying “we know it’s a weird song.” The new songs stayed true to the bands’ iconic sound, but in a way that was new and reinvented.

The Classic Hits

I can’t forget about the songs that put OneRepublic where they are today; they played them all! I admit, there may have been a few tears during “Good Life,” which was to be expected with Tedder’s long-drawn high notes and soulful performance. Overall, my experience covering the concert will not be forgotten and I can say that I have re-discovered my love for OneRepublic.

Hannah Rose Pittel

Copyright ©2016 PopEntertainment.com. All rights reserved. Posted: December 2, 2016.

Photos © 2016 Lisa Lake/WireImage. Courtesy of Ketchum Sports & Entertainment.


For anyone who has watched all of 13 Reasons Why, here are my thoughts on the show! I hope you guys enjoy my review!

Review: Buffering by Hannah Hart

Rating: 5/5 stars

Favourite character: n/a 

On a scale from one to gay: Raging lesbian

Trigger warnings: This book actually provides trigger warnings, so I’ll list them here: Schizophrenia, sexuality (lots of internalized homophobia), questions of faith, questions of fame, drug use (quote: “psychedelic visions in the desert”), self-harm, sex, spiders, suicide (a very small part), and neglect/abuse.

“If you’re reading this and you think that maybe you could love someone of the same gender (or nongender), all I have to say to you is this: Congratulations! You’re perfect and wonderful and more alive than you ever knew. Be proud of who you are because you’re already more than enough.”

When I was a closeted gay, a friend and I were watching YouTube videos when he asked me if I knew who Hannah Hart was and if I liked her. Truth be told, I had no clue and had only seen her in a collab. But I remembered her face and God, did I think she was cute. So I smiled and blushed and told him yes and we watched an episode of My Drunk Kitchen. I never really watched a video of hers after that. Not because I didn’t like it but because I forgot to write her name down and so forgot to subscribe.  
A few years later I saw the name again (because how can you be on the Internet without hearing about Hannah Hart?) and finally subscribed. Again, I didn’t watch any videos other than the new ones in my sub box. Not because I didn’t want to, but because why watch old videos when you can watch the new and make the most of your limited (read: poorly budgeted) time? 
But after reading this book, I’m going to start watching Hannah’s old videos.

***this review is spoiler-free!***

Keep reading

13 reasons why-tape 2 side b

The guy with the storm hat hit the nail on the head for me, Hannah wanted attention but not the kind she actually got. Why do none of these American kids close their damn blinds?? It’s kind of stupid of them. I understand that she thought she was making a new friend and oh look anew picture ruined that so maybe she should curse technology making it so easy for these things to happen? The guy who stalked her was really creepy but was it really ok for clay to do exactly the same thing to him? No. Because whilst what he did was wrong and illegal no one actually found out that was a picture of Hannah. Obviously that doesn’t make it ok at all and the kid should have been dealt with. BUT Hannah could have reported this to the school and he would have been kicked off the year book etc and maybe even the police would have been contacted but she didn’t. I get she is a teenager and was scared and that’s not fair to her to have to go through this but I can see so many ways this could have been stopped if she told someone but she didn’t. I suppose that’s the point though that people don’t want to tell anyone. I don’t like the timeline on this because I’m assuming various things are happening around the same time maybe within a couple of weeks but it doesn’t really say that anywhere so maybe she just didn’t have time to get help before it all crushed her?? Who knows maybe I will find out

Originally posted by tonysjensen

designated survivor:  season 1, episode 16, review

review:   Hannah Wells and Jason Atwood fly to North Dakota to investigate a company that’s supposedly out of business, but was paying for the building in which Brooke Mathison was living.   plus, Brooke made 4 trips to that area in the last 4 years.   meanwhile, Hookstraten confronts Bowman about his obvious attempt to embarrass the President with a poorly worded bill for stricter background checks to buy guns.

Hookstraten also reminds Bowman that he’s new to the hill.   Oops!   what she do dat fuh?   that’s when Bowman reminds Hookstraten that everybody iz new to the hill.   Kimble iz the last of an old regime – and right now, Bowman has more political pull than her.   Ouch!   that had to sting.

later, Aaron tells Emily that Hookstraten will help the President push the gun-control bill thru the Senate – but Hoostraten expects compensation.   she wants to be the next VP.   well, folks, the Senate approves bill by just one vote.   Kirkman gets credit for the win.   Bowman iz embarrassed.   and Kimble has more political pull than before.   now back to North Dakota.   Hannah and Jason discover a cache of bombs to blow up every target on Brooke’s flashdrive – Golden Gate bridge, Statue of Liberty, and Hover Dam.

IMO, the feds should set up surveillance on the site and see if anybody else visits that location?   right now, the underground missile silo iz the only lead they have for catching more conspirators.   JMO.

Happy Fluffy Friday to all! And Happy Birthday to G Callen! Enjoy Fluffy Friday with a little Birthday Game: Tag Yourself - Which Fluffy!Callen are you?