Hi! Here is my submission for Ace Valentines Day. Below is my ace love story and a message for any aces out there who need some love.
My name is Nina, I am asexual, and I have been in a committed relationship with an allosexual person for 6 wonderful years.
I’ve always known there was something different about my relationship with sex, but for most of my life, I had no idea what that difference was. I just kind of assumed I was weird and nerdy. About 2 years into my current relationship, I discovered asexuality. I now consider this time a revolution, and awakening of my true self, but at the time, it was devastating. It wasn’t easy to come to terms with the fact that I couldn’t give my partner what they wanted, and for a long time, I felt ashamed of myself for not being like everyone else. I couldn’t even say the word asexual without crying with shame, because I just couldn’t come to terms with who I was. It took time for me to accept myself as ace, and to discover just what that meant for me, but with the help of an incredible friend, my partner, and my own damn strength, I got there. Now, I am proud of what I am. I understand that I AM weird and nerdy, but I’m also awesome, and my orientation is a special part of me.
My partner was a HUGE support to me while I was coming to terms with who I am. When I first told him I thought I was ace, I was terrified that he would leave me. I remember sobbing in the car with him…I loved him so much and I hated myself for not wanting sex like he did, like EVERYONE did. I was so scared that my lack of sex-drive meant that somehow, I didn’t love him, even though I thought that I really did. But you know what happened? I told him everything, all my questions and fears. And he listened. He heard me. And time and time again during the ups and downs of that process he was there when I needed to talk out how I was feeling, he validated by existence when I felt erased by the media, by my friends, by everything around me. We communicated about what we both needed, and about how we both felt about each other.
It wasn’t always simple, and sometimes, he accidentally said the wrong thing. Sometimes, when he asked for sex it would send me spiraling into self-loathing, because I just didn’t understand why I didn’t want what he wanted. But every time I said no, he always respected my boundaries and that was key. We talked and talked and struggled through the uncharted waters of our new situation, and eventually, we became comfortable with our new relationship. Now, there is an unspoken rule between us that any sexual contact will ALWAYS be initiated by me. If he asks and I say “no”, that is the end of it. And we are still intimate! Remember, there are a MILLION ways to be intimate with someone you love that DON’T INVOLVE SEX! We kiss each other all over, we hug, hold hands, cuddle and talk for hours, we touch each other’s bodies with loving hands, and tell each other that we are beautiful. We share blankets, play-wrestle, give massages and take baths together. We find our own ways to be close. I can honestly say I have the most intimate relationship with my partner that I’ve ever had with anyone…and we haven’t had sex in months (literally can’t remember the last time lol).
The fact of the matter is this: sex is definitely important to a lot of allosexual people, and that’s okay, BUT if someone really loves you, sex will always come second to making sure you feel safe and comfortable. If someone cannot give you that respect, love, and understanding, my friend, keep walking. You deserve so much better, and you never EVER have to play second fiddle to someone’s sex-drive.
To each and every one of you who doubts themselves, hates themselves, and thinks they will never find love, fight that fear, fight that loathing. You are not broken. You are so worthy! Worthy of love, of respect, of self-confidence. You are not a dork, you are so cool! You are not a prude, you are just not sexual. Being a virgin does not make you less than anyone else, and being an ace who has (or has had) sex does not make you any less ace! If you don’t like to kiss, then you don’t have to kiss anyone. If you don’t feel comfortable with physical contact, then you don’t have to have that! You do NOT have to put your needs second to please your partner. You do NOT deserve to be treated poorly because you are different than them. Don’t listen to the media, to your friends, to your parents or ANYONE who tells you otherwise. Hold you head high, even if you don’t feel strong yet, because you ARE strong, and you WILL feel strong one day. I promise you.
If you want romantic love in your life, do not let yourself believe that you will never find it. There are so many amazing people out there of all orientations who can and will love you. YOU DESERVE LOVE, YOU DESERVE RESPECT, YOU KICK ASS.
I love you all, Nina