halt who goes there

Career Best

Cleric: I wonder what it would be like if I was a bard.

Rogue: You’d be dead.

Cleric: What? Why? You’d think being able to proficiently talking my way out of trouble would–

Rogue: ‘Cos I read somewhere that in medieval times musicians get hanged for having no talent.


Rogue: I think I should multiclass in Monk, guys. These legs are too short for this madness.

Cleric: I think you’d have better luck multiclassing in Chimpanzee.


Cleric: How’re we looking? Anyone need a Healing Word?

Rogue: I’m at 2 HP.

Cleric: YOU need a counselor.


(cleric and rogue trying to slip through a barricade in disguise)

Guard: Halt! Who goes there!

Cleric: Two acolytes delivering bread to the refugees. *rolls a 3*

Rogue: Lord Kramer’s bitches! *rolls an 18*

Cleric: I hate you so fucking much right now.

Rogue: Git gud. *smoochy lips*


[after Cleric did something cool]

Rogue: Well damn, aren’t you full of yourself.

Cleric: I’m full of perfection? Yes, I AM full of perfection.

[Closed RP with @mount-ebott-horrors] Hunter vs. Horror

Chara had ended up in yet another strange world, same as the previous. She had explored what she could, finding strange piles of ashes, and soon, individual severed limbs.

“Strange… The beasts in Yharnam never did this…” Suddenly, something whooshed past her, but she was more than ready to defend herself.

“Halt! Who goes there!?”


-I was allowed to add Spanish to proficient languages after this session.

So for the first game of DnD that I am playing ever, I decided to make my character a sort of strange ‘homebrew’ sub-race of humans. Anyways, as a six and a half-foot tall insane clown monster, Vuuvie (his name) can be intimidating with the great-axe he carries around with him everywhere. 

So at one point, the ‘leader’ of the rag-tag group he has landed himself in has assigned him to questioning certain civilians around the entrance of the town for information about an assassination of a local political figure that had taken place about half a day ago. So, he agrees and leaves to see what the heck is going on. Upon approaching the front gate, the following situation ensues:

DM (OOC): “Vuuvie approaches the front gates of the town where there are two armored orc-guardsmen.”

Town Guard #1: *Spots Vuuvie*  "HALT! Who goes there?“


DM (Doesn’t know a lick of Spanish): “Uh…”

Vuuvie: “Me llamo, Vuuvie Jaster! -y tu?”

Guard #2: “Um… What kind'a tongues are you speakin’ in?”

Vuuvie: “Psh, oh yeah. I almost forgot that mexico isn’t a thing in this realm. Sucks that you guys don’t have Mexican food then.”

DM (OOC): “The guards unsheathe their swords to you." 

Vuuvie: "Que pasa?”

//The remaining players are nearly dying with laughter.//

Guard #1: “State your business, Clown. Lest you meet your fate at the edge of my blade.”

Vuuvie: “Oh yeah! I’m here to question you guys about… about something…”

//The DM is giving me a questionable gaze, by now.//

Vuuvie: “Oh well, I guess that means that I can skip the questions and go straight to 'interrogation by brute force’.”

Me (OOC): “Vuuvie grabs the second guard by the face and slams them into a wall repeatedly until they start giving answers.”

DM (OOC): “-But you haven’t even asked anything yet-” *They see me holding my dice and sigh. “-Roll for strength.”

Me: * rolls 17 + 5 Modifier.

DM (OOC): “You smash the guard into the entrance gate three times. On the third time his head shatters like a melon.”

Me (OOC): “Vuuvie drops the corpse on the ground, and approaches the only remaining guard.”

Guard #1: “W-what do you want from me?”

Vuuvie: “I want answers. Where you eat- Where you sleep- What your shoe-size is! I NEED ANSWERS, DAMN IT!”

//The DM looks mildly annoyed.//

DM (OOC): “… The guard flees the scene; leaving a trail of urine where they once stood.”

Me (OOC): “Vuuvie pursues them.”

DM (OOC): “Really?" 

Me (OOC): "Really, really.”

More Baulder's Gate Shenanigans

Baulder’s Gate D&D session cleric here with another story involving the misadventures of the dragonkin party leader and the drowned cleric… and everyone else. He’s the party leader because he’s the main character. And he’s purple. He used to be red, but he did a thing and picked a secondary color of blue. So he became purple. His name is Spyro the Dragon.

But on to the fun stuff.

We’re trying to find a bandit camp because they’re causing problems and stealing all the iron during an iron crisis.

Spyro drinks a polymorph potion to look human and we put on bandit disguises. I, having magical charisma and ridiculous levels of diplomacy at like 17, take my place as the one who talks our way out of shit.

Bandit(DM): halt who goes there!
Cleric: *rolls above a 3* hi there!
Bandit: *waves shyly* hi
Cleric: We’re a group interested in joining you! We come bearing gifts! *opens up the Bag of Holding and takes out a random assortment if arms and armor ranging from daggers to greatswords* please let us go in.
Bandit: well… you’re cute, but I dunno.
Spyro: don’t be stupid, we’re part of your group! Look at our emblems! I’m going in.
Cleric: please ignore him.
Bandit: *smiles nastily* sure. Lead the way then.
Spyro : no you lead the way!
Bandit: I’m the boss. I say what goes!
Spyro: that’s not what your mom said last night!
Bandit swings at him for nonlethal damage and he of course draws his sword and whacks the bandit for lethal damage.
Bandit: that’s against the rules! Get them!
Cleric ooc: Damnit. Uh… uh… *rolls diplomacy and of course passes*
Cleric: I’m cute! please ignore the idiot with the sword! We picked him up because he’s strong but he’s dumber than a block of rocks. Well keep him under control I swear!
Bandit: *to Spyro*…. you’re lucky she’s cute.

Dont bother rolling for deception

Context: I’m the DM for a group and one of the PC’s died very early on. His soul ended up getting trapped in his lucky coin and given away to a NPC named Lord Poldron in the land of the dead. They other PC’s decided to try to steal their friends soul back.

Lord Poldron: Halt! Who goes there?

Paladin *currently invisible*: Wooooo! I’m a ghost!

Lord Poldron: Good for you, we all are ghosts. This is the land of the dead after all.

Paladin: ….. right. I forgot about that.