hallucinogenic-lipstick-

omg guys seven and river are the freaking best. seriously. if you haven’t heard the big finish audios it’s a necessity. he wont drink her “forget-me” tea, he wont eat her forget-me crumpets, he won’t kiss her knowing she has hallucinogenic lipstick, so while Seven’s working on deducing who she is SHE SHOOTS HIM WITH HER STUN GUN AND HE SCREAMS AND FALLS OVER and then River asks the TARDIS to help her wipe his memory I AM DYING IT IS SO FUNNY

Bisexual River Song + Cleopatra

The Doctor: Love what you’ve done with the pyramids! How did you score all this?

River: Hallucinogenic lipstick. Worked wonders on President Kennedy. And Cleopatra was a real pushover.

The Doctor: I always thought so.

River: She mentioned you.

The Doctor: And what did she say?

River: “Put down that gun.”

The Doctor: And did you?

River: Eventually.

There’s no anaesthetic.

River smoothes her pilot’s hair, wondering if she should tell her what she’s about to do or just get on with it. She doesn’t know the other woman very well – her name is Lucy, she’s in her twenties, and she’s very good at navigating through asteroid fields. She replaced the previous pilot at the ship’s last stop a few weeks ago, when River discovered that he was a Nestene duplicate with a too-keen interest in her cargo and blew his head off.

Recalling just how she made that discovery, River pulls out her hallucinogenic lipstick and quickly applies it to her lips. It’s better than nothing.

Lucy is not quite lucid, which is probably a good thing. She might get the wrong impression.

River kisses her gently and sits back, watching her eyes glaze over slightly and her features relax. With any luck, the stink of the smoke and the hiss of the fire extinguishers still trying to save the doomed ship will soon be transmuted for Lucy into something more tranquil.

And the pain won’t register so much either.

Gritting her teeth, River grips Lucy’s arm, anchors them both as best she can, and pops it back into its socket.

Lucy screams, but at least it doesn’t last long.

Someone clears his throat behind her. “River,” says a Scottish voice.

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Hallucinogenic Lipstick

Opening his eyes, Castiel couldn’t make sense of anything he was seeing. Everything was swirling and moving around him, nothing staying still or making sense.

His eyes closed again, and his hands flew to this temples as his focus unwillingly slipped to the only constant thing he was aware of. The prayers. As their volume increased he scrunched up his eyes, falling to his knees and doubling over in an attempt to block them out.

“No no no no no no no! Please no!”

He heard someone talking in front of him and warily opened his eyes, noticing that everything was still unstable but had seemingly settled. Looking up in fear and trepidation, he saw who was there and gasped.

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River’s “killer” lipstick, made from the poison of the Judas tree.

Thoughts on “The Husbands of River Song”
  • ok is river undercover orrrr
  • oh my god that is river wearing amy’s leather jacket i’m so sure
  • FFFFFFEZ
  • ooh damn she’s murder-y
  • sonic trowel jfc
  • oh god i need fics of the times river stole the tardis without the doctor knowing
  • AHAHAHA HE’S SO EXCTIED TO SAY THE THING
  • he’s so done he literally said “seriously?”
  • first the hallucinogenic lipstick now the outfit-changing perfume where does she get these cosmetics
  • “it’s the easiest lie you can tell” shit that was cold
  • melody pond what would your parents saY
  • fuck this is breaking my heart river pls be lying loOK AT HIS FAAACE
  • “awkward” is the most understated word you could’ve used man
  • NO NOT THE DIARY HELL NO
  • “we all know jim the fish” NO WE DONT PLS ENLIGHTEN US
  • “you just got back from manhattan” jfc don’ t
  • “he’s never loved me” NOOOOOOO
  • DARILLIUM PLEAS ST OP
  • all the way in outer space and they’re playing “the first noel” bless bbc
  • oh my fk the sONIC
  • and i thought this was finally the year a doctor who christmas special wouldn’t make me cry
  • oH I WAS STARTING TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER THEN “I hate you” “no you don’t” GOD I WELCOME DEATH
  • i’m so sad but that was rad