halle berry the call

Okay, I’m going to write a longer post about Cathy here because I think there needs to a lot more discussion about it, I’d love it if you could publish (and maybe tag) it, though I think it’s too long for a confession:

Today is Equal Pay Day and Cathy did a post on instagram using it as a setup to promote aboutyou, a site that sells clothes. Do I think it’s good and important that people talk about income inequality? Of course! But then instead of talking about her own experiences with it (or using her insta as a platform for other women to do that), she uses it to promote herself and a site she has a collaboration with.

She wears a “Grrl Power” hoodie on women’s day, but then she turns around and calls Salma Hayek “cheap looking” because she “has large breasts” or calls Halle Berry “not elegant” for wearing her natural hair texture. This is not merely something she said out of ignorance, these are official statements she made in articles she got paid for, in a field she claims to be an expert in. The same way she chose to work for BILD (a newspaper known for its racism and sexism) and got paid by them for her remarks about how “Brazilians steal so much”. She directly profits from being racist and attacking other women (especially women of color) for their bodies. And then she claims to be a feminist when it suits her to promote herself.

It’s not the only time she has done stuff like this. For example, she has worked with PETA against fur in clothes, but the fashion label where she is a designer (The Mercer) still uses fur, she still has no problems wearing leather shoes and handbags, but then she claims to be an animal rights activist to promote herself.

Cathy Hummels has repeatedly gotten jobs that would have normally gone to more experienced and more educated women (sky, Stern and BILD usually only hire top-of-the-class graduates that have studied a field related to journalism/media and have done multiple internships), then she usually abandons these things after 6 months - 1 year, opportunities that other women work decades to have one shot at. And afterwards Cathy claims to be a dedicated, independent woman.

I don’t care who she’s married to, but her appropriating social issues for her own financial gain without having the slightest idea about these issues while simultaneously also (financially and otherwise) benefitting from racism and sexism are actively harmfult to other women. Namely those who are in less privileged positions than her.

artistsapprentice  asked:

If you're taking requests, can you please do a myth about one of the primordial Greek gods, like Nyx?

I absolutely can, although maybe not Nyx, as she’s not often the central character in the surviving myths we have, which honestly does not do justice to her role as namesake of my favourite makeup brand. Instead, I have written about the births of Kronos and Zeus, because Nyx makes a fleeting appearance and also most of the gods are primordial (primordial douchebags, am I right? I’m totally right.)

If you don’t fancy reading about nubile oiled men, the importance of good table manners, and the origins of Wolverine from X-Men, feel free to skip by pressing J on your keyboard. Extra context and literary stuff under the cut, as always!

And the Father of the Year Award Goes to Absolutely No-one

Before the world came to be, there was something. We’ll call it Chaos, because that’s what it was called, but it wasn’t like, chaos chaos, like when you’re running late for work and the toaster starts ballsing up and then suddenly the cat’s puking into your shoes and your mother’s phoning to tell you that your father is actually your uncle. It was more of a chasm, like a kind of tangible nothingness, made up of the elements of everything which would later become actual stuff, like the sea and the sky and sprouts, which actually sounds kind of rad, except there was no-one there to appreciate just how poetic it all was.

Except one day, something just kind of happens, and suddenly there’s someone there, and her name is Gaea, and she is the Earth. Like, literally. She is what we would now recognise as a planet. Which is fine. Real women have curves, etc.

Now, at this point, Gaea is just kind of hanging around by herself, when along comes Tartarus, who is the primordial divine personification of a realm of eternal torture and pain and is probably really shit at parties, and Gaea decides that Tartarus isn’t really the ideal best friend. She really can’t imagine having slumber parties with Tartarus and braiding each other’s hair over all the haunting wails of the dead. She’s kind of happy to have company, but being stuck with Tartarus is sort of like when you turn up late to a party and have to hang around by yourself for a while until some white guy with dreads shows up and starts talking about capitalism; it’s slightly better than loneliness, but not much, and also it makes you want to drink more.

So, one day she’s like “it’s kind of lonely here in the middle of nowhere with only a torturous realm for company, this is like living in Wales and frankly I won’t stand for it,” and then bam, she’s not alone anymore, because the void has spat out a new companion and this exceptionally hot dude is standing there, and he’s butt-naked and all toned and curved and probably oiled, because this myth is from Ancient Greece, and Gaea is like “holy buttocks, who in Chaos are you?” and the beautiful man just sighs wearily and says “I’m Eros, and I’m literally here for the sole purpose of making people want to do unspeakable things to one another.” Gaea pseudo-frowns and she’s like “what kind of unspeakable things, because if you mean relentless murder and ceaseless slaughter, then honestly, I think that’s just in my blood, I’m an Ancient Greek deity,” and Eros is like “have you ever wanted to just lie someone down and cover them in chocolate sauce?” and Gaea metaphorically wrinkles her proverbial nose and she’s like “no, that sounds unsanitary and also I’m a planet,” and then Eros clicks his fingers and says “how about now?” and Gaea does this weird little shiver thing, probably dislodging mountains and causing tectonic plates to collide like bodies on a dancefloor, and she’s like “do that again,” and Eros takes a few steps back and he’s all “no offence, but I’m the only other guy here, and I’m really more of a peanut butter guy myself.”

Then Gaea is like “as fantastic as those few moments of delight were, what’s the actual point? Like, why is it so important that people get the urge to do unspeakable things to each other up against barnyard doors? I mean, we were both just sort of born out of the ether with no need for body parts rubbing and touching in any pleasing way whatsoever, so why can’t things just carry on like that? What’s the need for the horizontal tango?” and Eros just shrugs and waves his sculpted arms a bit and says “plot holes, no pun intended.”

After a while, other things start to appear, like night (Nyx) and day (Hemera) and the realm of eternal, unflinching darkness, known as Erebos, and eventually Gaea just gets tired of having all these things floating around her like One Direction fans outside an arena, and so she does the only thing she can do, seeing as privacy screens haven’t been invented yet, and she gives birth to the sky and uses it as a makeshift veil. The sky’s name is Uranus, and, as it turns out, he’s virile as hell, because pretty soon he’s impregnated Gaea, and she gives birth to Oceanus, who is the divine personification of the sea, which means he’s totally wet and basically hates conflict, and then she gives birth to Kronos. Like his brother Oceanus, he’s a Titan, which means that he is part of the race of elder gods, along with their older siblings, including Thea, Rhea, Hyperion and Iapetos, among others, because condoms haven’t been invented yet, and let’s be honest, Uranus is totally the kind of guy who’d pretend that he couldn’t use them for reasons of girth.

Then, because this family isn’t fucked up enough already, Gaea gives birth to three giant monsters, the Hecatoncheires, who all have a hundred hands and fifty heads and can also control storms, which makes me wonder why they cast Halle Berry in X-Men and not just a hideous CGI conglomerate, and then she (Gaea, not Halle Berry) gives birth to three more monsters, each with one eye, called the Cyclopes. When Uranus sees his six new beautiful children, he’s all “wow, those came out of you? They must take after your side of the family,” and Gaea says “technically, you ARE my side of the family, sonsband,” and Uranus is like “shit, yeah, this is probably why incest is frowned upon, isn’t it? Anyway, I think you should just put them all back, to be honest,” and Gaea is like “what do you mean ‘put them all back’?” and Uranus is like “well, you know, back up the ol’ pipe,” and Gaea is like “say ‘pipe’ one more time and I’ll shove something up yours,” nobly resisting the urge to make a pun on his name, but Uranus is like “sorry, can’t hear you, I’m too busy shoving these gigantic monster children back into your womb,” and he’s not even lying.

Obviously, this causes Gaea some Problems, and so she decides that maybe it’s time to get rid of Uranus. When he’s asleep, probably dreaming about changing his name by deed poll, she gathers together all of her children – the ones who aren’t currently rolling around in her uterus, anyway – and she’s all “look, I’m going to level with you here. Your father is a dick. I could do so much better. I deserve Ryan Gosling, not some dude who thinks it’s OK to use my birth canal as a storage locker. I need your help, kids,” and then she takes out this absolutely massive sickle, and she says “this sickle is made of adamant, which is a radical new element that I made for this specific purpose. It’s stronger than Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson after a meal of spinach, and without meaning to blow my own trumpet, it really is the goddamn poodle’s privates. Like, if I were to create my own super powered mutant soldier, I’d probably coat his bones with this shit and maybe make him some awesome claws of the same stuff, because this? This stuff is nearly unbreakable. It’s totally fit for purpose,” and then her kids are like “by ‘purpose’, do you mean that you want us to use that sickle on our father?” and Gaea nods sagely and she’s like “I want you to use it all over him,” and her kids confer with one another, drawing some diagrams and making detailed notes, and then they turn back to her and say in unison “nope.”

Except they don’t say it completely in unison, because Kronos, the youngest of her Titan children, pipes up like “I know what needs to be done, grandma-mother,” and Gaea says “do you?” and Kronos nods and says “I do. I know exactly what you want me to do, 100%. I understand your plan completely. I volunteer,” and Gaea places her hand firmly on Kronos’ shoulder and grins and she’s like “grandson-son, let us put our shared plan into action,” and Kronos takes the sickle and he’s like “you can count on me, grandma-mother, I won’t let you down,” and Gaea probably just groans a bit because she’s still full of monster children.

Later that night, Uranus comes over to Gaea for a night of nocturnal naughtiness, and he’s about to cock his leg in a jaunty and arousing manner and be like “let us kiss with tongues, mother-wife,” when he hears this battle cry from behind him, and before he can turn around to see what the fuck is going on, Kronos has leapt on him with this massive sickle, and then Kronos raises the sickle above his big Titan head and brings it down in a swooping arc, right on Uranus’ dick. Like, that’s it. He just cuts it clean off, severing it right at the base, then throws it over his shoulder like salt in the Devil’s face, and Uranus just starts sobbing and says “for a Titan, that really wasn’t tight at all. I knew that having kids would be difficult, but this just absolutely takes the proverbial biscuit,” and he leaves, because there’s not a lot else he can do, really.

When he’s gone, Gaea turns to Kronos and she’s just like “you cut his dick off?” and Kronos nods proudly and says “our plan has come to fruition, mother,” and Gaea rolls her eyes and she’s like “I was thinking more along the lines of ruthless patricide, but I guess your idea also worked,” and Kronos wrinkles his nose and he’s all “what kind of monster would kill their own father? Balls or no balls, I still need the old guy to teach me how to throw a ball, y’know,” and Gaea just rolls her eyes and she’s about to make some remark about how a good father probably wouldn’t shove his kids back inside their mother, when Uranus’ testicles, which have landed in the sea, start to foam, and from the dick foam this beautiful woman emerges, and she’s like “I need two things. Firstly, I need a bath, because honestly, natural childbirth has absolutely nothing on what just happened to me, and secondly, I need a dry martini and a nubile young man,” and Gaea is all “literally who the fuck are you?” and the woman is like “I’m Aphrodite, and I really want to just reiterate that I’m covered in dick foam, so can we keep this conversation as brief as possible, like three seconds max” and Kronos is like “go to Cyprus, there are baths there beyond your wildest dreams,” and Aphrodite goes to Cyprus and presumably bathes in bleach for about three years.

Meanwhile, Uranus, hiding away in shame and anger, mutters under his breath something very sinister, something along the lines of “I hereby prophesy that the end of the Titans shall fall very soon, as they are overthrown by their own treacherous children and punished for their sins, signed Uranus xoxo.”

A whole bunch of time passes, and honestly, what happens next is incredibly complicated and involves more birth scenes than a director’s cut of Alien, but in a nutshell, a whole bunch of gods book a hotel room with each other, producing generations of gods, nymphs and other creatures. Kronos himself marries Rhea, his sister, and the two of them have a whole bunch of children, including Hestia, Demeter, Hera, Poseidon and Hades. Now, you’d think that Kronos, having seen the effect that bad parenting can have on a marriage and indeed a penis, might be a better father to his own kids than Uranus had been to him. You would be wrong. In fact, Kronos takes fatherhood to new lows. Having heard Uranus’ prophecy that he is fated to be overthrown by his own son, Kronos takes a leaf out of his father’s book and decides that the best place for his children is inside their parent. However, unlike Uranus, Kronos doesn’t put them back inside their mother; presumably remembering how THAT had turned out, he puts them inside himself instead, and swallows them whole, barely even tasting them. Honestly, I’m not sure why he didn’t chew them first, but whatever. He doesn’t.

After her brother-husband has eaten five of her children, Rhea begins to get a bit fed up (and honestly, why it took five attempts for her to get sick of this shit, I also have no idea; clearly, neither of them are Parent of the Year). So, when she becomes pregnant for the sixth time, she finds her mother-mother-in-law, Gaea, and she’s like “look, I know that Kronos was always your favourite son because of the time he helped you chop off dad’s dick, but now Kronos is BEING a dick, and I need your help,” and Gaea is like “Kronos stopped being my favourite child the moment he copied his dad and internalised his children. If only he could have taken after his mother more, and been awesome and totally opposed to infanticide. Well, I’ll tell you what; that son you’re carrying is going to save you from a life of matrimonial fatigue, but you have to do a couple of things first,” and Rhea says “just tell me what to do,” and Gaea is like “you have to run away, give birth in a magic cave, and pretend that your son is a rock,” and Rhea just sighs and she’s like “honestly, my kids are probably better inside Kronos’ digestive tract and away from this family unit,” but she does what Gaea asks.

So, when Rhea has given birth to her son – whom she names Zeus, which is a name you may be familiar with – she finds a huge rock and swaddles it, dressing it in a fetching babygro with the motif ‘DADDY’S LITTLE FLESH CHILD, MUMMY’S LITTLE NOT-A-GEODE’ and hands it to Kronos. Kronos takes one look at the rock and says “this baby has my eyes, darling,” and then promptly swallows it whole, completely falling for the trick, believing that he’s swallowed his fifth child. Rhea, presumably wondering if Kronos and the rock have more in common than she first thought, goes off to raise her baby in secret.

After a while, yet more time passes and Zeus grows up into an absolutely strapping young god, all bearded and muscled and, most importantly, not swilling around inside Kronos’ bowels, and Gaea is like “OK, grandson. The prophecy says that you will overthrow your father, so the first thing to do is to make him throw up,” and Zeus is like “why would I do that? When dad overthrew HIS dad, he got to use a phenomenal sickle, and I just get to use a bit of bad ham?” and Gaea says “firstly, you’re right, that sickle was fucking sick, and secondly, your father never chewed his food, and you have a few siblings who are probably very grateful for that, although honestly they’d be a tad less grateful if they’d ever had to sit opposite him at dinner, rather than inside him,” and so Zeus goes off to find Kronos.

When he finds him, he slips him an emetic herb, and Kronos immediately throws up his children, all covered in stomach slime but still alive and fully grown. Zeus is like “hey siblings, I’m Zeus, and honestly, I will never fully comprehend what you have been through, but I hope we can bond over this experience anyway,” and Hades is like “I think there’s a bit of partially digested carrot in my hair,” and Hera says “no, that’s just stomach lining, but you do have something unspeakable on your shoulder,” and Demeter says “thanks for saving us, Zeus, but dad looks super pissed that you just made him throw up his children,” and Kronos mutters “and that great bit of roast ham that I had for lunch.”

Zeus just shrugs and he’s like “well, there’s this prophecy which says that dad’s going to look defeat right in the face very soon and I’m going to be the one who puts it there, so honestly, I’m going to just let him have this one. I’d probably be angry too, if someone gave me a prophecy which told me that my child would overthrow me and I subsequently internalised that child for my own protection and suzerainty, only to have the child break free from my body somehow. Boy, that would really blow.“

Glaring at his family, just about managing to speak through his anger, Kronos snarls “you know what this means, son?” and Zeus sets his jaw into a rigid line, pushes his shoulders back so that his biceps look particularly rugged in his favourite white tank top, and then he digs into the pocket of his skinny black jeans and pops a tooth-pick into his mouth, chewing it with a pensive look on his face, and after a few tense seconds have passed, during which Kronos is just clenching his fists and trembling with unspent fury, Zeus says “yes, dad. This means war.”

My other retellings can be found here; my mythology blog is here; and my Mythology Mondays Facebook page is here. Thrilling.

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Top Photo: Estir Fahir right after I created her in Guild Wars 2.
Middle Photo: New hair and color (My guildie called it the blue Halle Berry)
Bottom Photo: Her latest armor look.

Estir is human and I based her on my very first character I played in the original Guild Wars. Her history is based in Elona (from Nightfall), so I wanted her to look like the people from that nation.  I was really pleased to find such dark skin tones in the game during character creation. I did have to play with the sliders a lot to get her face just the way I wanted. Though there is an older face template and Asian appearing template, creating a black character was a bit more challenging. Recently, I saw another player complaining about how hard it was to make her Norn female look black.

I give Arenanet props for the diverse skin tones, but I would love to see that diversity translate into actual facial features. Also, though they do have dreadlocks in the game, I’d love to see some variety in hairstyles for the women. The men get afros, but women don’t.  

Exes at the Oscars

Celebrity couples are a fickle bunch — and you needn’t look any further for proof. These beautiful, glamorous, and oh-so-in-love pairs celebrated the Academy Awards, Hollywood’s biggest night, arm in arm. However, these images have long outlasted their love stories. In honor of the big show, join us for a trip down memory lane.

Leonardo DiCaprio and Gisele Bündchen, 2005

The only blonde on Leo’s arm come Oscars night this year will be his mom, Irmelin. This is the reason why: Over a decade ago, the Best Actor nominee and his then-squeeze, Gisele Bündchen — who had been dating for over five years at that point — finally made their red carpet debut at the big event. While she looked gorgeous, he looked pretty uncomfortable — and apparently he was. They broke up several months later. Although The Revenant star has romanced no shortage of beauties since (and he’s currently linked to this model), he has never handed out the golden ticket again. It’s either Mama or his vape pen. Sometimes both. (Kevin Mazur/WireImage)

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, 2003

This photo says everything about Bennifer’s relationship at that point in time — from the fact that he was looking over her shoulder while they kissed to his blotchy spray tan and slicked-back coif. By the following year, the couple only had memories of their time together — and a $2.5 million, 6.1-carat pink diamond engagement ring that he ended up selling. (Dan MacMedan/WireImage)

Cameron Diaz and Matt Dillon, 1998

Yes, they dated. After bonding over hair gel and stuff on the set of There’s Something About Mary, the co-stars embarked on a three-year romance and were each other’s plus-ones. While they looked comfortable together — or maybe it’s just Cameron Diaz’s pajamas?! — they soon outgrew each other, like Cameron outgrew that schoolgirl bob. (Kevin Mazur/WireImage)

Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise, 2000

A year before their nasty divorce, she was looking at him and he was looking up at… Xenu? (Getty Images)

Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, 1991

No, this is not a prom photo. One year after they met and two years before they married, Ireland Baldwin’s parents (Kim, looking like Barbie, and Alec, looking like he needed a shave) attended the show together. (Barry King/WireImage)

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer, 2009

In hindsight, going to the Oscars together was a bad idea for these two. It was an intense year for Jennifer Aniston — she was a presenter and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were in the audience — so her on-again, off-again beau was there to provide “moral support.” Not enough, apparently, because they broke up just weeks later following a “fight.” (AP Photo/Chris Carlson)

Julia Roberts and Kiefer Sutherland, 1991

Her brassy ‘do was for Hook, and Julia Roberts, who was nominated as Best Actress for Pretty Woman, was hooked on her “beautiful blue-eyed, green-eyed friend” after they co-starred in Flatliners. While you stare at those smiles, remember how things ended: with Julia as a real-life runaway bride! (Vinnie Zuffante/Getty Images)

Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis, 2004 

French singer and model Vanessa Paradis helped Johnny Depp, nominated in the Best Actor category for Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, through what will go down in history as his worst. hair. day. ever. (FilmMagic.com)

Winona Ryder and Christian Slater, 1989 

J.D. and Veronica were really a thing — and serious enough to attend the Oscars together … back when cummerbunds were in. We wonder if people went up to them all night asking, “What’s your damage?” We totally would have. (Ron Galella/WireImage)

Jesse James and Sandra Bullock, 2010

We all remember what happened just weeks after this photo was taken. Out of respect for Sandy, winner of the Best Actress award for The Blind Side and our favorite girl next door, we won’t even rehash it. (Getty Images)

Cindy Crawford and Richard Gere, 1991

The supermodel, who turned 50 this month, was just 25 when she attended the awards with the Pretty Woman actor, who was 17 years her senior. They married later that year (exchanging tinfoil rings!) but didn’t make it through 1994 — despite bizarrely dropping $30,000 on an ad proclaiming they were “heterosexual and monogamous and take our commitment to each other very seriously.” They always seemed like an odd match. (Ron Galella/WireImage)

Robin Wright and Sean Penn, 2009

With their hot-and-cold marriage, we’re surprised they even attended the show together in 2009, when he was named Best Actor for Milk. It’s fitting they both wore black, though, because they somberly ended their marriage — splitting for good — that same year. (Getty Images)

Brad Pitt and Juliette Lewis, 1992

Did he tell her it was a good idea to wear those cornrows? Did she tell him it was cool to wear those shoes? The lovebirds looked more like they were going to a costume party than to the Hollywood party of the year. But who could blame them? At 28 and 18, they were practically babies. (Jim Smeal/WireImage)

Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke, 2002

Forget Uma, Oprah! It was Uma, Ethan the year he was nominated as Best Supporting Actor for Training Day. And a fun fact for you: She gave birth to their second child, son Roan, just two months before and still looked this good. (Steve Granitz/WireImage)

Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, 1989

What came between these two? Maybe her cape. (Barry King/Getty Images)

Geena Davis and Jeff Goldblum, 1989

Her dress, his hair… If this isn’t the epitome of the 1980s, we don’t know what is. (Barry King/WireImage)

Anne Hathaway and Raffaello Follieri, 2008 

This photo was taken about seven months before Raffaello Follieri pleaded guilty to 14 counts of wire fraud, money laundering, and conspiracy. Needless to say, he wasn’t her date when she won the Best Actress Oscar for Les Misérables in 2013. (Getty Images)

Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith, 1989 

When your date has better hair than you do. Gulp. We’re sure her Oscar nomination for Working Girl softened the blow. (WireImage)

Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith, 2005

If at first your relationship doesn’t succeed, try, try again with hubby No. 3. And wear something that’s very low-cut. (Getty Images)

Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe, 2005 

She called him her “everything” in her acceptance speech for Million Dollar Baby. By the next year’s ceremony, she was calling him her ex-husband. (Getty Images)

Halle Berry and Eric Benét, 2002 

The newlyweds were so close that she brought him with her to the press room after she won the Oscar for Monster’s Ball. Weird. By October of that year, she had made him out to be a monster, telling the world he was a sex addict. (Getty Images)

Sarah Larson and George Clooney, 2008

Remember when the Cloonster brought the Las Vegas cocktail waitress to the Oscars? Man, we’d love to hear Amal’s take on that one. (Getty Images)

Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon, 2006

Why so glum, Ryan? You’d think your husband would be a little more excited for your Oscar win. That wasn’t the case for the Walk the Line star and her Cruel Intentions co-star, who ended their marriage later that year. (Getty Images)

Julia Roberts and Benjamin Bratt, 2001 

We thought the “matching friendship rings” they wore would have kept them together (hehe!), but, alas, the Erin Brockovich actress parted ways with the Law & Order hunk a few months after Oscar came into her life. So it goes. (Getty Images)