half your deen

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When a person loves Allah (swt), it says much more about them than any words they could possibly say. A person who loves Allah (swt) shows something about their character - that they are fearful and grateful to the Unseen; they will be true and trustworthy to you. Always look for one who has love for the deen of Allah Almighty Insha'Allah.

Nikah

Padahal aku udah janji sama diri sendiri kalo ga akan bother nulis tentang ini. Tapi terpelatuk karena obrolan di grup sampah yang biasanya merupakan satu-satunya grup anti-galau-nikah dari semua lingkaran pergaulan. 

Jaman-jaman ini, rasanya buka semua sosmed postingan nomer satu adalah tentang starting a new family. Foto resepsi disana-sini, ibu-ibu muda membagikan resep masak dan aktivitas keluarganya, babies (BABIES, YAY!!), dalil-dalil mengenai keutamaan menikah. Those are sooo heartwarming. Seringkali aku terharu sendiri melihat postingan teman-teman yang penuh kebahagiaan, their gratefulness and their adventure in having a new life.

Tapi terus di grup-grup whatsapp, dan di status line, dan di facebook, dan literally di semua sosmed juga, yang belum menikah mulai teasing satu sama lain. Hayo kamu nikah kapan? Ya kamu aja duluan. Aduh iya nih kapan ya jodohku datang. Aduh kalo kaya gini gimana mau dapet jodoh yang baik? Ih liat deh dia istriable banget ya. Ga sekali dua kali. Kayak hampir semua hal ujung-ujungnya akan dikaitkan dengan: nikah.

As a single woman in mid 20th, people start to care about my personal love life. Oh bukan deng. My personal plan on when to marry. Yang ini aku ngerti, I am on my golden-reproduction-age. Kalo aku nikah di usia ini, aku kemungkinan akan bisa melahirkan bayi yang sehat dan gemas yang merupakan sumbangsih bagi dunia. Selain itu, dengan menikah, aku akan melengkapi setengah dari agamaku. Maka dari itu, ketika mereka tahu bahwa aku akan sekolah lagi selama kurang lebih empat tahun, mereka mulai khawatir dan bertanya-tanya: kamu mau nikah kapan pit kalo gitu? Even one of my friend ask this question when she knew I resigned on my job and plan a PhD, “what is going on your mind, pit? kenapa S3nya ga ntar aja sih kalo udah nikah?”

Karena banyakkk bgt yang nanyain, aku post jawaban disini gapapa ya. Jadi ntar ngejawabnya bisa tinggal share link hehehe.

1. Honey, on my PhD, I will simulate the galaxy formation! Listen, now people have a rough idea on how the galaxy is formed. Pembentukan galaksi masih merupakan teori. Selama 3 atau 4 tahunku nanti, aku akan memformulasikan teori-teori pembentukan galaksi ini dan mensimulasikannya dengan superkomputer. Hasil dari simulasi ini akan dicocokkan dengan data observasi yang tersedia. Sehingga, kita akan tau teori mana yang paling cocok dengan data dengan detail. Exact ingredients, duration and physical process needed on forming a galaxy will be known (hopefully). Have you ever wonder how this universe builds up? Cause I do, constantly. And the more I study cosmology, the bigger my curiosity is. Now. When I have an offer to do exactly what I want to do, do you think I will defer it for something that I don’t even know when will happen?

2. Aku percaya kalo rejeki, jodoh, maut sudah mutlak diatur oleh Allah. Bertanya dan ngegalauin “kapan aku nikah” menurutku sama aja dengan mempertanyakan “aku kapan mati”, which is pointless I think. Karena segalau apapun kita, toh kita tidak akan bisa mempercepat atau memperlambat. It will happen on the right time. The best that I can do, is preparing myself, being the best version of me. And I think taking a further education is a big step of being a better me. Jadi ya gitu, kalo aku ditanya kapan nikah? Aku juga ga tau. Aku serahin sama Allah. 

3. Aku tau kalian khawatir kalo ntar aku nikahnya ditengah-tengah pas lagi S3, sekolah aku akan terganggu. But I have looked on the condition of my program and scholarship. Guess what, I got 20-days-off a year which I think is more than enough for family and personal matters, I even got 3-months-maternity leave! Jadi gapapa kok, I can handle it :)

4. Hmm banyak juga yang bilang, pit kamu ga takut cowo-cowo pada lari kalo kamu sekolahnya ketinggian? Atau. Jangan mikirin sekolah mulu ih kamu ntar ga nikah-nikah. Hmm. Kalian mikirnya emang sepanjang waktu aka baca jurnal dan belajar dan ga pernah sempet mikirin romance gitu ya? Ngga kok babes, I am just as cheesy and gooey as you are, or maybe less, I don’t know, but I am too, cheesy and gooey sometimes. Dan sejauh ini belom pada lari kok cowo-cowo kalo aku dateng, hehe (garing). Iya, aku juga udah mikir serius kok masalah romance ini, didoian aja ya :)

5. Darling, I know you are tired sometimes. We all are. Mid-life crisis they say? Starting to make a life on our own isn’t easy. Kerja pagi sampe malem padahal baru kemaren kita kongkow-kongkow di kampus bareng. Sekarang beli sabun aja mikir yang mana yang hemat padahal dulu segala peralatan dikirim dari rumah tinggal minta. Pertengahan bulan diajak hang out udah susah, udah menghitung hari buat gajian. In a certain point, we need an escape idea so we can live in more comfort, and I knew that marriage is your escape idea (no offense, ini buat temen-temen yang belum nikah). So you think, duh ingin nikah biar ada yang nafkahin. duh ingin nikah biar ada yang masakin, yang pijitin. Or when you feel lonely you think, enak kali ya nikah selalu ada temennya, bisa sharing ini itu. Now think again. Do you really want your marriage to be just “biar ada yang nafkahin, biar ada yang bantuin kalo cape, biar ada temen ngobrol, biar bisa mesra-mesraan berpahala?” You deserve more than that. You deserve a marriage that keep you happy and loved for your whole life, a best decision you ever take, a life that you love the most. So could you just stop all the teasing and joking about marriage, please? It trapped you in a tiny box thinking about marriage like that. If you’re tired and lonely, whisper your prayer to God instead, share it with your beloved friends, I am sure they will make you feel better :)

6. I know you are keen in completing your half deen, who doesn’t? Sebagai muslim, tentu kita ingin beribadah sebaik-baiknya. Tapi sudahkah kita mengerjakan setengah bagian yang bisa kita kerjakan sebaik-baiknya? Sebelum mulai mendambakan setengah bagian lain yang sekarang belum kita capai? It is like wanting another box of ice cream while we haven’t finish one, isn’t it?

I am not against nikah muda. Aku seneng banget bantuin temen-temen yang lagi preparing wedding, atau bantuin babysit, dateng ke kondangan tiap weekend. I do really happy for them. What concern me the most is you, temen-temen yang galau nungguin kapan jodohnya dateng. Yes single ladies (and gentlemen), you have that youth spirit and energy, let’s make the better world together (and not trapped on a personal matter). 

Rejecting Pakistani and Islamic Marriage Stereotypes: why being asexual does not mean I must conform TW: Rape, marital rape, domestic violence

I am single and most definitely not ready to mingle. You may be wondering why an aromantic asexual like myself needs to worry about ‘mingling’ if it’s something I don’t want to do? Well, my fellow peers, I have the great privilege of belonging to the Pakistani Muslim community, and if you happen to be an adult woman in such a community, much like myself, you are expected to take the next step in life: marriage.

Marriage is considered a natural process amongst my people. You grow up, get an education, pursue a career if necessary (because why would a woman need to work when she will end up a housewife?) and get married. The general consensus is that a heterosexual marriage is the final step to completion for a woman. A woman is only ‘whole’ when she has a husband and children. Daughters are just extra baggage for parents until they can be married and sent away. Emphasis is laid upon the daughter, rather than the son, to find a partner, and parents go to extreme lengths and efforts in order to make that happen. Once their daughter is married, parents can sigh a relief and pat themselves on the back for doing such a great job and making it through such a difficult time. And the sons? They can wait, because “no woman is ever good enough for him anyway”. The unmarried daughters who are still trying to figure out their lives already know that we are a burden to our parents, simply because we identify with the female sex.

We know, because the one question you can guarantee any unmarried Pakistani woman has been asked by members of the community is “have you found a husband yet?” Pakistanis don’t care if you are enjoying your studies or managed to get a promotion a work, they just want to know when the next wedding will be so they can dress up and gossip with their old cronies. ‘Why are you not married yet? What are your family waiting for? Do you want to grow old and become a spinster? Is our boy not good enough for you?’ Questions asked countless times seem harmless enough to an outsider, but for the responder, it’s hard to miss their implications. The message is clear: why are you still single when you would be happier and safer with a husband?

 Yes, aunty-jee, once I am married I will be ‘happy’ and ‘safe’. I will be ‘safe’ from your intrusive questions about my personal life. I will be ‘safe’ from my own family’s criticisms and instead fall mercy to the scrutiny of my new in-laws. I will be ‘safe’ from the gossip, societal shunning and violence that unmarried Pakistani women face, and all because I have the immunity of being a wife. Yes, aunty-jee, I will most certainly be ‘safe’.

The fact that unmarried woman are not considered safe and are targets for public shaming seems to be the bigger problem here, but every Pakistani woman knows that. After all, it’s been embedded into our minds practically all our lives. Once we are old enough to understand what it means to be desirable, we are taught to condition ourselves to fit the stereotype of a good Pakistani wife. And this starts young. I’m talking about little girls at 3 yrs old using skin whitening soap so they can grow up for men to call their fair skin ‘beautiful’. I’m talking about teenage girls being told a good girl is unassuming, unassertive, submissive and obedient.

This isn’t just a few among many. I’m talking about a culture from a country perpetuated by a long history of misogyny: where sons are seen as a blessing and daughters a burden, where honour killings, daughters killed for the shame of being female, still take place, and where Malala Yousafzai was shot for campaigning for a woman’s rights to education. I’m talking about the women who are guilt tripped and shamed for their lack of femininity, the female rape victims who are shunned by society for being ‘bad luck’ and the acid attacks inflicted on women because they were ‘too successful’ for a man to bear.

Woe betide the Pakistani woman who chooses not to marry, for she will garner the hatred of all men and women who think a woman’s place is in servitude to her husband. And woe betide the Pakistani woman who wishes to marry but does not want to conform to the housewife stereotype, for she must face rejection from her own community. And woe betide again for the Pakistani woman who does marry, for her family will abandon her to suffer in silence when she becomes victim to the abuse of her husband and in-laws.

And still, you ask me, why I am worried?

I do not wish to marry because I am afraid marriage will destroy me. I am expected to marry a Muslim man, but how many will actually be accommodating to my asexuality? How many will lure me in with lies and sweet promises to treat me well and then force themselves on me once the contract is signed because it is their marital right? How many will point the finger at me, telling me “do not refuse your husband” because it has been ingrained into every single Pakistani Muslim mind that a woman is submissive and obedient. I will try to seek help from my family, who will use my religion against me and say “you are his wife, it is your Islamic duty to obey him”.

I think I do not need love if marriage is the only way to obtain it. I question why my asexuality feels like a burden on me. Why can I not assume my marriage will be a happy one? Are all people so sexually charged that to even deny sex is wrong? I am left wondering, am I a bad Muslim for not feeling sexual desire? Is my asexuality a sin? Why do I not feel pleasure when everyone else does? Why am I unable to be a good Pakistani and Muslim wife?

I look to my religion for respite. What does Allah actually say about women in marriage? Islam encourages marriage because it contributes to half your deen (faith). Marrying sooner is better for men and women who want to avoid committing illegal sexual activity outside of marriage. Marriage was also recommended by the Prophet Muhammad PBUH, and thus is considered a Sunnah. Some of the benefits to marriage are having a spouse who can provide emotional and spiritual support, receiving certain rights upon marriage and having the ability to create a family of your own.

As an aroace Muslim, I do not consider myself in need to marry for the sake of receiving spiritual and emotional support. I understand the benefits this would have for a couple who are romantically and sexually involved (and for aces who wish to marry), but fail to see how this would apply to me. In my opinion, I find it more appealing to establish that type of bond in a platonic relationship outside of marriage as it avoids all the unnecessary marital expectations that a Pakistani Muslim must face, as mentioned previously. For myself, I believe my spiritual and emotional connection to my faith works best with Allah, as there are no societal/cultural pressures which Allah imposes on me and is a relationship I can establish on my own terms.

I can dismiss the benefit of fulfilling my sexual desire without fear of sin as sexual desire is not something I experience nor is sex something I want to do either. Something worth noting though is that the Prophet PBUH did insinuate that marriage was not necessarily required for those who do not experience sexual desire as there is no fear of sin being committed. I guess you can only listen to the best, right?

Regarding the rights received once married, some would be: a wife’s right to a dowry, sexual satisfaction, financial support and good treatment by her husband. Again, for an aroace woman, none of these rights would personally benefit me as I have no wish to be satisfied sexually, nor do I have the need for someone to treat me well (that would just require good friends/family) and lastly, my aroace identity does not really affect my desire for money nor a dowry (although the extra cash would be handy, it’s not worth the hassle to get married for).

The Prophet PBUH encouraged marriage for those who would most benefit from such a contract, and I believe that, as an aroace with no particular desire for a partner, to fulfil my sexual desire nor to receive the benefits, marriage is not necessary for me. Although there is no obligation to marry in Islam, there is still pressure to conform to the general consensus amongst Muslims to get married, especially as it would be following in the example of the Prophet PBUH. As marriage is so overwhelmingly commonplace, the concept of a Muslim choosing to not marry is seen as unusual, and for someone like me, who chooses not do so for the reasons mentioned above, it is even more radical.

Although my asexuality and desire to not marry is not an issue in Islam, I find that the choices I make in how I practise my religion comes under a lot scrutiny, largely due to the fact that Muslims have a monopoly on following the Islam best tailored to their cultural environment. Muslims in general believe that the hetero-norm of marriage is the only correct way of living your adult life. This means that if I am amongst a Muslim community who believe that I should get married for the benefit of society, then I will be under societal pressure to do, regardless of what I or what Islam itself has to say on the matter.

It is here in this grey area between culture and religion that my conflicts lie. In accordance to Islam the decision to marry is my own, so even if my family and my community are pressurising me and I refuse, I am not ‘technically’ disobeying God. I say this sceptically because although it is my Islamic right to refuse, Islam also tells me that I should be obedient to my parents and avoid unnecessary conflict if they do not directly oppose Islamic teachings.

Unfortunately, this is where my culture plays an important role. If I was to refuse marriage and explicitly state so for the reasons I discussed above, my parents would assume I was intentionally causing conflict as my opinion is so obscure to the set Pakistani norm. They would consider my opinion highly disrespectful as it insults the beliefs they have held their entire lives, and as a result, I would be creating a huge division within my family. I care far too much about the relationship I have with my parents to risk breaking it by suggesting something as not getting married. To me, my parents are the most valued people in my life. They are the people who sacrificed so much in order to give me the best of everything, they fed me, clothed me and cared for me like no one else could.

I remember how my father spent 5 days every week after work tutoring us so we were ahead in class and thus had one less worry as Asian Muslims in an all-white Catholic school. How my mother worked during the day and then attended GCSE classes at night to get her UK education as she didn’t grow up here. When I realise that they must have given up their own selfish desires in order to make sure I never experienced that same sacrifice, I think to myself, surely this once, I can return the favour? If my marriage will make them happy, don’t they deserve that happiness? They deserve better than to be hurt by my own selfishness and pride. When I think about my parents in this way, I understand why God said I should listen to them.

In all honesty, I would be quite happy to avoid marriage at all costs if I could, but that would not help my circumstances nor be conducive to my family situation. As a Muslim, it is during these times I remember that this life is not my paradise. I am not a woman free from obligation, I am in subservience to my Creator, Allah, and not everything I wish for will be granted in this world. That is not the life of a Muslim, and I must remind myself that this life is a test.

As a result, I am left praying that in the near future either my opinion of marriage will change or that I will be able to find a partner understanding of my asexuality. In making this choice, I realise some may think I am no better than the society I criticise for making women conform, for I too have conformed to my own fate. Perhaps I am just a hypocrite, slave to the very traps I sought to escape, or perhaps I can reject the notion of accepting my fate quietly and instead choose to control what is inevitable, and turn it into something I will accept only on my own terms. That too, I think, is also a way to not conform.

On 8.3.14 I realized I married my best friend. I’ve been through numerous friendships and always felt alone or like an outcast that no one understood because I was so “weird” and “different”. It wasn’t until our Walimah I then knew, and didn’t feel alone. Someone finally understood my “Weirdness” and me being so “different”. The people I expected to be at my henna party(bridal shower) did not show up at all, The people who I thought were my friends and who were loyal and genuine and suppose to be there for the disastrous moments weren’t there and didnt even show an ounce of actually caring. I think most were just around for “likes” on instagram. It actually were the people I least expected to be a helping hand were! And when I cried because everything was ruined he pulled me away from everyone hugged me tight and told me everything was perfect because he married me. From day one he was so attentive and helpful and at my lowest of lows he was there as a friend first. And most of all always reminded me of Allah. I wake up everyday thankful that Allah(swt) had it written for us to be married. I never thought in a million years I would have ever gotten married and to someone I was friends with since 14. I wasn’t even Muslim then. Funny how things turn out. I want this love for eternity. This life and the next insha'allah! (this is probably the most personal post you’ll ever see by me)

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Marriage is faulty if she loved him, and it is faulty if he loved her..” yet as our Prophet pbuh said I don’t see anything for lovers except marriage. So why does our society see nothing for lovers except their doom? Do things the halal and correct way & BE with whom you love.

Dear Brother,
The day you marry your wife, is the day ALLAH places a trust and responsibility on you to give her the rights as a wife and she becomes your family, your comforter, the mother of your children.. So fear ALLAH in regards to your duties as a husband.

Dear Sister,
When you marry your husband you leave your birth home and you become a real woman. Your husband becomes your family, your maintainer and protector, the father of children, your friend and lover so treat him well and follow him to the ends of the earth.. Fear ALLAH in regards to how you treat him.

Marriage in Islam completes half of your deen. Do not be swayed by good looks or money as these will come and go. Marry a man who Truly fears and loves ALLAH.. Who puts Islam 1st before anything. Learn and walk in deen together. Go in a marriage with the purpose in getting closer to ALLAH and In sha'ALLAH it will be a blessed marriage!

In marriage, you will win every battle if you fight it together and you will lose every battle if you fight it against each other. In good times and bad, remember that your spouse is always your partner and never your enemy.
— 

half our deen

Sisters,

When you marry your husband, you leave your birth home and you become a real woman. Your husband becomes your family, your maintainer and protector, the father of your children, your friend and lover, so treat him well and follow him to the end of the earth, fear Allah in regards to how you treat him.


Brothers,

The day you marry your wife, is the day Allah places a trust and responsibility on you to give her the rights as a wife and she becomes your family, your comforter, the mother of your children, so fear Allah in regards to your duties as husband.


Marriage in Islam completes half of your deen. Do not be swayed by good looks or money as these will come and go. Marry a man/woman who truly fears and loves Allah, who puts Islam first before anything. Learn and walk in Deen together. Go in a marriage with the purpose in getting closer to Allah and In Shaa Allah it will be a blessed marriage!


Marriage is not easy, but with Allah’s help, it can be the best time ever.

#Singles ,I think you should read it very carefully. MUFTI MENK

*_SPECIAL MESSAGE TO YOU_*:

#Singles ,I think you should read it very carefully. MUFTI MENK

In life, one of the most important choice you will need to make is who to marry. This choice is so important that if you miss it, you will suffer for long, if you get it right then you will enjoy forever…

A bad marriage can affect every other area of your life. This subject is so important to the extent that so many married people are hoping to be single again so as to be able to make the right choice all over again. If you are single please don’t just be in a hurry to get married, because you still have the best opportunity to prepare for it…

For two people to come together to live in peace and harmony, they must agree spiritually, mentally and physically. Just like an elephant cannot marry an ant so also a believer cannot marry an unbeliever. If an elephant marries an ant how would they live, if a goat marries a fish where would they meet???

You must look for a sincere and righteous man or a sincere and righteous woman to marry, nothing can beat this. The devil’s primary target is the family. He knows that everyone belongs to a family and if he can bring two wrong people together in marriage, then he will succeed in breaking the community ties and the nation down as a whole, and this is part of what we’re witnessing all over the world presently…

Ignore your age and the pressure for a moment, the pressure in a wrong marriage is far worse. ALLAH has somebody for you but you must set your priorities right.
What do you need in a woman???
What do you need in a man???

Marriage is not about what you want, it is about who you need, that will make you better while you make him better, it’s not something you just jump into. That is why you must know your purpose before you get married.

You must pray before you choose.
ALLAH knows the best person for you, it is only wise to seek His will. It is very easy to know ALLAH’s will when sex is not involved. The moment sex is involved and you want to know His will then He will blank you out
Why???
Because you have broken His first Law of NO SEX before marriage. If you have had sex in the past then you need to repent totally and stay away from each other, then you can seek forgiveness from ALLAH.

Your marriage will not be hell on earth.
Your marriage will be honourable.

Don’t marry for sex
Don’t marry because you are of age
Don’t marry because you are getting old
Don’t marry because you are lonely
Don’t marry because you need someone to support you financially
Don’t marry because you mistakenly got pregnant.
Don’t marry because you don’t want to lose the person
Don’t marry because of family pressures
Don’t marry because you like the idea of marriage and admire every wedding gown you see
Don’t marry because all your friends are getting married.

But get married because you want to fulfill what ALLAH has ordained on every slave of His.

Get married because you want to be a help mate, but most of all, because you want to fulfil a purpose of having completed half of your religion, your deen.

ALLAH will help you in choosing, please let’s all continue to pray pervently to Allah for all we want…

He loves us so dearly and He will answer all our duas and supplications at the right time…

Forward to all singles you Know…

Delivered by #MuftiMenk

If you get cheated on by a guy before marriage it’s because you “did it the haram way.”

If you get cheated on by a guy after marriage it’s because you “didn’t fulfil his needs.”

If you stay single and never get involved with men you “aren’t completing half of your deen”.

If you don’t get involved with men because you’re gay then you’re just vilified and treated subhuman and even denied the right to call yourself a Muslim.

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Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation.

–Rumi

Dear Sister’s,
Boyfriend destroys deen which is left in you while Husband completes half your deen.
Don’t be in a Haraam relationship with an intention of marrying and don’t search for prince charming on social networking sites and don’t get fooled by sweet words and fake promises.
Put your Trust in Allah and have Patience. If someone is made for you, they will definitely be yours in sha Allah. All you have to do is PRAY.
May Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala grant you a righteous spouse.
Ameen
Marriage in Islam completes half of your deen. Do not be swayed by good looks or money as these will come and go. Marry a person who truly fears and loves Allah. Learn and walk in deen together. Get married with the purpose of getting closer to Allah and In sha Allah it will be a blessed marriage.
May Allah make it easy for our unmarried brother and sisters and grant them a righteous spouse. Ameen
If marriage to you is just about having “ someone who will protect me from fitna ”, your really not ready for marriage. With this mentality, marriage may become your biggest fitna!
If you depend on someone else to protect you, who will protect them when they become weak?
So, Marry for the following:
1. Complete half of “ your ” deen and not for your spouse.
2. Increase the Umma and have as many children as Allah gives you.
3. Marry for the over all betterment of the Ummah. Become a family that can be a positive asset in every possible halal way towards your community.
A communities strength is judged by the families which make up that community.