why my chem teacher is the most dad™ teacher and all-around coolest ever
- spent 5 minutes one day complaining about the transition effects and lame fonts on the old chem teacher’s lecture slides
- had us take a survey the first day of school in which he included a question about being stuck on a desert island with justin bieber
- while teaching us nomenclature conventions for alkanes, pointed at “pent-” and said “obviously you show know some of these already; if you’re a satanist you probably know what a pentagram is,” opened a discussion of temple of satan vs. satanic temple, and said he’d be interested in joining the satanic temple one day
- a lecture slide on calorimetry included a picture of a bomb calorimeter, which he explained in depth, then held up a styrofoam cup and said “here’s a public school calorimeter”
- someone asked a question about when electronegativity becomes polar, so he pulled up a spectrum running from non-polar to ionic and said “it’s a spectrum. like gender. you know how some people think a person is a girl even if they say they’re a guy and vice versa? there are still non-polar bonds with high electronegativity and people think they should be polar but just because they have a certain electronegativity doesn’t mean they’re polar. pls be understanding of ur covalent kids.”
- uses a yardstick instead of a pointer
- waves said yardstick around frequently, mostly for no reason.
- once said (ironically) that he saw less and less bullying in classrooms now and that was a bit disappointing even though it was good. added that “if i had to suffer then you all do too” in a bitter tone of voice. when a english teacher walked in and asked him why he was waving the yardstick around he said it was because he was reminiscing on the bullying days.
- couple of us asked if we should get a new periodic table to take the test with since we’d written all over ours. he said no because if we’re smart enough to think ahead and cheat then we deserve the a.
- actually has a degree in philosophy. he’s so fucking nerdy
- he bikes to school everyday and then carries his bike up two flights of stairs to his classroom
- sometimes during tests he pulls a bagel and peanut butter out of his desk and eats them while watching us silently
- this one time we walked into class and he’d shaved off his half-beard into a mustache and when we asked why he said “i’m not a huge fan of it but my wife likes it so i do it for her”
- used the trump supporter kid’s logic against him without explicitly expressing his political views so no one can actually get him fired
- complains to our class about how much he hates us
- explained catalytic converters to us once, then pointed at me with the yardstick and said “barrett you’re gonna love this because it involves carbon monoxide and like, suffocating yourself”
- i started crying once in class and he literally refused to give me the test because he didn’t think it would be fair to make me test while having an anxiety attack so he sent me into the lab and closed the classroom door and let me ugly cry. i kept begging him to let me take the test tho so he sighed and said “im ur dad right now not ur teacher please don’t take the test just light some incense and listen to some reggae or something and chill”
- i used pig’s blood in my chem internal assessment and when i asked him where i could store it overnight he shrugged and was like “i guess put it in the fridge in the teacher’s lounge and i’ll just tell people not to drink your blood”
- he knows our class so well it’s a little scary. predicts exactly what’s going to happen in certain circumstances with like 100% accuracy
- this one girl in my class didn’t finish her homework but we submit in through pictures on google classroom so she sent in a picture of her dog and he accepted it and gave it 10/10
No matter how enormously successful he may have been at the start, the future of a teen idol once he’s graduated from the warm embrace of boy bandhood is always precarious. Will his star continue to rise to Justin Timberlake (or, for the U.K. crowd, Robbie Williams) status? Or will he become nothing more than a distant, fond memory—a time capsule of a generation’s youthful indiscretion?
That’s the question facing former One Directioner Harry Styles who, a little over a year after his group officially (probably) disbanded, has just made the best case yet for his enduring pop cultural relevance. In going above and beyond his musical guest duties on this week’s S.N.L., Styles proved what his die-hard fans have been saying all along: he’s more than just a haircut.
This wasn’t Styles’s first S.N.L. rodeo; as musical guest, he’s always shown a penchant for hopping into sketches. Not all guest musicians like to try their hands at live sketch comedy, but Styles and the rest of the One Directioners charmingly cropped up on a 2012 “Manuel Ortiz Show” sketch and, briefly, in a 2013 sketch featuring Paul Rudd as their biggest fan. They also endearingly and self-mockingly cameoed in Rudd’s opening monologue.
But none of Styles’s previous, light S.N.L. sketch work could have prepared his fans for his level of involvement in this week’s episode. Perhaps taking a page from his successful S.N.L. collaborations with Justin Timberlake, host Jimmy Fallon had Styles join him in two sketches as well as the episode’s monologue. That monologue appearance was the least challenging part of he played. All Styles had to do was dance and belt out a smidgeon of Bowie—right in his wheelhouse. He did it all while giggling a little at Fallon’s self-seriousness. Who wouldn’t?
But Styles had a much bigger role to play in one of the earliest sketches of the night: an impressions showcase in the guise of a Celebrity Family Feud. By rights, Fallon should have owned this sketch—he very impressively scampered back and forth across the set in order to pull off dueling John Travolta impressions. But Styles sort of stole the show out from under him by unveiling a fearless (if not always entirely accurate) Mick Jagger impression.
As any S.N.L. aficionado will tell you, complete commitment to a bit and a willingness to make a fool of yourself is key to good hosting. Timberlake was fine in a pair of early S.N.L. appearances—but it wasn’t until he showed up in 2003, cool as a cucumber, in a giant omelette costume that he proved once and for all that he could hang with the best Studio 8H had to offer. Styles-as-Jagger also took a tiny dig at his own fledgling solo career, saying, in character, “Solo? Why would anyone in a successful band go solo? That’s insane.” Self-awareness? Also a vital quality for any S.N.L. host.
Styles’s last acting appearance of the night came during a surprisingly effective, high-concept sketch which saw Fallon and a group of Union soldiers slowly turn a traditional Civil War ballad into an infectious pop song. Styles appears as a Rebel prisoner who adds a soulful bridge. The singer’s earnest crooning prompted half of the beard glued to his face to pop off—not a rare issue when it comes to live sketch comedy. Styles handled the malfunction with aplomb, first slapping the beard back on his face when the camera panned away—and then, when it came loose again, just going with it.
But like Timberlake before him, Styles has not lost sight of the gift that made him a star. For all his sketch work in this week’s S.N.L. the singer also performed a pair of songs that sent his longtime fans swooning: his chart-topping single, “Sign of the Times” and a new track, titled “Ever Since New York”
But a successful foray into the world of sketch comedy isn’t the only way Styles is taking cues from Timberlake as he embarks upon his post-One Direction career. The singer recently landed a coveted role in Christopher Nolan’s upcoming prestige drama Dunkirk. Timberlake also followed the dissolution of N*Sync with a few serious film appearances, including Alpha Dog, Black Snake Moan, and, most successfully, The Social Network. Neither Styles nor Timberlake may ever win an acting Oscar, but all that stage presence has to go somewhere—and, depending on how well Dunkirk goes over, we may be at the very beginning of another boy band member’s long perch at the top.
If an early positive review (from Oscar winner Mark Rylance, no less!) is any indication, Styles also knows exactly how to channel that surplus of charisma. Rylance said of his Dunkirk co-star: “He seems remarkable … one of those people—Sean Penn has it, too—a kind of panache. I look at them and think, ‘How did you get that? How do you get so that life is easy?’ But he has got a lovely, lovely character. It’s a gift.” Dunkirk comes out in July. If it’s a palpable hit, we could see Styles make his S.N.L. hosting debut as early as this fall. - VANITY FAIR
so, the episode 300% killed me dead. on the floor. so this came out of it. straight up shameless fluff. fluff without plot, if you will. anyway, i owe my heart and also this fic to @elsaclack and @jakelovesamy. title from first day of my life (thx a billion @jokeperatla omg)
Amy slowly comes to, blinking hard against the golden late-afternoon light filtering through her window. She can’t quite seem to gather her thoughts - unsurprising, since these random midday crash-naps are the closest thing she’s gotten to proper rest since the night of the trial. Her eyes are dry and a little red-rimmed, crusty with sleep. She takes a few more moments to relish this calm, taking deep breaths and steeling herself against the long night to come. It’s been ages since she slept properly, centuries since she took a true deep breath, eons since her bed, with its freshly washed sheets devoid of crumbs and spills and the miscellaneous junk that’s made its home in her - their - apartment, has felt truly comfortable or familiar.
She rolls over, away from the setting sun wafting through her half-open blinds, in the hopes of catching a few more minutes of sleep before reality sets in, before she has to put back on a pantsuit and reopen Hawkins’ file and pretend everything is normal–
–and then she lands in an unexpected warm spot on his side of the bed. It smells, quite unmistakably, like him. She groans, curling tighter into the blankets, because she’s had this dream before. She shuts her eyes tight, feeling that brief jolt of hope ebb away into the familiar numbness that’s dulled her mind for more than six weeks. She’ll open her eyes again in a second and the bed will be cold and she’ll get up and find her discarded blouse and Captain Holt will call her with an update and she’ll have ten texts from Charles about how to cry on cue for her upcoming podcast appearance.
But the longer she lays there, steeling herself against the evening of work to come, crouched around Captain Holt’s coffee table with Cheddar safely locked in the upstairs guest room and Kevin bringing out trays of desserts in which sour gummy flourishes are featured with an unusual frequency, the more she notices that something is off.
For one, the warmth isn’t going away as her mind slowly emerges from its post-nap fog. For another, the smell is different this time, tinged with sweat and the unmistakable scent she recognizes from the visiting room in South Carolina. She notes the water she can hear running in the bathroom sink. Finally, she registers the feeling of her too-clean sheets against her naked body, and her mind starts to catch up, first slowly then in a flood of images and memories that nearly overwhelms her.