Three years of marriage is quickly approaching and I find myself looking back at my first year of marriage. Not focusing on my relationship; rather on myself, my thoughts, and overall mental state at that time.
Things we don’t talk about: loneliness.
When I got married I was super excited. Marriage is such big deal so everything about it was exciting, new, and most importantly halal. I didn’t expect much from marriage. Prior to getting married I didn’t dream about what marriage life would be like, I kind of just went with the flow.
The first two months were amazing. I had a two part wedding and my husband took off two weeks of work so it was just us.
After a couple of months, the excitement of being a newlywed kind of blew out and I started to feel very lonely. My husband worked long hours, I was away from family, I didn’t know anyone, and I had no job. I stayed home all alone everyday. It was extremely lonely.
If you would have asked me three years ago how I felt I would have told you I couldn’t be happier, but now that I am happier and can tell you it was a little depressing. What added to this struggle was my marriage being arranged and not really knowing my husband. I would ask myself questions like “am I really his type” “am I really what he wants” “does he really like me” etc..
I didn’t know how to properly express myself and my emotions so I kept everything in; which made it worse. When they said the first two years are the hardest I thought that meant arguing but it doesn’t. Well at least for me it didn’t.
It meant spending the first year adjusting to my new life, and learning about myself. The second year taking that knowledge and expressing my emotions in a healthy way, and this third year enjoying how close my husband and I have gotten.
My father was the type to push my brother to get married young to protect them from having girlfriends and premarital sex, but was the type to explain to us girls the value of marriage and what makes a good wife. Although I’m happy with what he taught me, I cant stand looking at my brothers sometimes because if they were taught how to be a husband rather than just having halal sex, I think their lives would have been different. I don’t blame my father for the way they turned out because they knew right from wrong but I’m tired of seeing young men pushed to get married so they can have halal sex. Being a husband is not about halal sex! You have responsibilities! Your wife will have rights!
Too many young muslim brothers who have issues like drinking and clubing are being pushed to marry religious girls because their family feels they’ll “fix” them. No my daughter will not “fix” your son, your son must call upon Allah and work to fix himself.
And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought. Surah 30. Ar-Rum, Ayah 21