Liverpool vs. Oldham Athletic recapped

Jones reminded us he was still alive

Toure was apparently some kind of cross between Xavi Hernandez, Andrea Pirlo, and Hakeem the Dream Olajuwon

Agger missed 50 headers on goal and then injured himself

Cissokho passed the ball immediately in fear of what he might do with it if he held on to it for longer than a split second

Kelly was fantastic but no one saw it so this is all speculation

Alberto got subbed off at halftime against Oldham, damn son

Moses did too

Henderson apparently completed every pass he ever made but everyone is calling bullshit as the only way this game was communicated was through an Englishman

The FA can go fuck itself

Sterling was also reported with 100% pass completion

Aspas scored but that was all a dream for all we knew, but then it turned to reality when he hit the post several moments later at what was surely point blank range

Coutinho saved the day somehow

Lucas was out for blood and energetically came on the pitch once he saw the blue shirts but was disappointed when he could not find Oscar

Suarez got fouled

Rodgers came on the pitch but didn’t know he wasn’t playing for Liverpool

And Rodgers still coached his son even though he was playing for the opposition