hair issues

my mental health is seriously on such a downward spiral these last few weeks. my BDD has been on a downward spiral for the last couple of months bc of my hair and skin issues, but suddenly my anxiety is getting hit hard. It started with panic attacks outside of my house which isn’t that bad because I have always had some agoraphobia but I would get a panic attack like every couple of months tops… but now I’m getting them at ryan’s and in my own home. I got a really bad one yesterday at ryan’s house where I was like GO TO YOUR NEIGHBORS HOUSE AND CALL THE AMBULANCE because I didn’t have my phone or xanax so i couldn’t call my mom to save me or have access to xanax so basically i had no access to something that would calm me down from a panic attack, which gave me the panic attack. not having an exit from a potential panic attack is what gives me a panic attack. today I had one at home and one in my car with my mom and ryan while watching fireworks because my mom said “we cant leave for now, there are cars surrounding us” which sent me into ‘theres no exit, no way to have reprieve from a panic attack’ mode which is what causes a panic attack. so mid fireworks we had to leave because I was screaming from the anxiety and I was literally shitting my pants (I had diarrhea I think from how bad my anxiety is, tmi but just a good illustration of how bad it is). and that was after I almost didn’t go out because of how ugly I feel, even though I stayed in the car the whole time + it was night time. basically I don’t feel safe unless I’m at home. this is a new twist to my fucked up life. why. why.
needles to say I upped my lexapro from 10 mg back to 20 mg (I had quit for a couple of months and had to disappointingly go back on 10 mg but was hoping on remaining on that lower dose)


Sisters, don’t be afraid to DEFY GRAVITY.


I hate seeing other natural girls insulting black girls who wear weave unless you been natural all your life then hush up! Because at one point you use to wear weave too. I also hate seeing black girls who weave bashing naturals for embracing and wearing their natural hair. Like whyy? You’re bashing someone for embracing something they were born with? Just because you wear your natural it doesn’t make you a better person than someone who wear weave. And just because someone wear weave it doesn’t mean they don’t love themselves. 

“Willow cut her hair because her beauty, her value, her worth is not measured by the length of her hair. It’s also a statement that claims that even little girls have the RIGHT to own themselves and should not be a slave to even their mother’s deepest insecurities, hopes and desires. Even little girls should not be a slave to the preconceived ideas of what a culture believes a little girl should be.” - Jada Pinkett Smith

I have a bald patch on the top of my head and thinning elsewhere. I used to wear my hair naturally, but grew tired of manipulating the strands I had. (Have you ever seen a woman with 4C hair try to do a combover?) I came to rely more and more on wigs. Now I love wigs, but I didn’t feel like always wearing one so, last year I shaved my head. Now in addition to my wigs, I also proudly rep my bald black head. Here’s to all the beautiful, folically challenged members of our Black family. We Black women have so many issues with our hair - our crown and glory. If you have less than a full head of hair remember, as India Arie said, “I am not my hair.” #BaldBlackoutSelfie

Oh my lawd THIS! I need it in a shirt,blanket,towels, jeans cups everything! I don’t how many time I have heard somebody say “oh the whole natural thing is not for everybody” and I’m usually like what do you mean its not for everybody? Its grows on our head naturally so what do you mean by that? Or do you mean that its hard to embrace our natural hair cause you been conditioned to believe “if ain’t straight or silky it ain’t good hair”? Or do you REALLY mean that a girl wearing her natural hair is not for her? I mean its not a piece of clothes so what do you really mean when you say “going natural is not for everybody?

On Medium Short Hair

Last Saturday, I finally cut my hair short! I loved how it turned out on the day but I don’t like the effect of it. You see, my hair is actually thick. I did the usual rebonding of hair yearly. And so after 6 months, the thick comes back again after my hair was cut. Trust me, it didn’t look like the same at the picture after taking a bath. 

I felt really relieved and pretty after it was cut. It feels so light  and cool having a short hair. It’s been years since I had a short hair. Now I’m liking it and I don’t exactly know why. So when I got home, I started taking selfies and unfortunately the lighting didn’t really help much to a good quality. Oh well. So that’s the only decent picture I took and liked. One was a mirror shot so.. 

How I wish I could have this hair(at the picture) all the time. I always wanted the ends curve to the inside but agh, I’m part of the ungifted hairstyle. Well, I’m thinking on straightening my hair again soon, and maybe cutting it again shorter. Plus, hair color. Soon I hope.

  • [During the Patience video shoot.]
  • Michael Underwood:There's some similarities with hair... Gary, you haven't gone with it, though?
  • Gary:No - you brought this up Jay, didn't you? The other day, you were a bit worried about this, weren't you?
  • Jason:Yeah. I don't know whether I've got reason to worry, it's not been...
  • Mark:It's just because mine looks better than yours, that's why you were worried.
  • [They all laugh]
  • Jason:We've not thought it out that much, like we haven't said, "Let's get three mop-tops and one with short hair!"
  • Howard:Gary's jealous 'cause he can't get his hair curly, so...
  • Gary:I'm working on that!
  • Mark:Gary's the only one who can afford a haircut.
  • Gary:I'm gonna grow it and get a perm, that's what I'm gonna do.

So, hair aid formal request here. Shall I cut my bangs back or not? 

First photo up there shows my current self, with my hair spiritual animal showing (it’s a cockatoo, if you haven’t noticed). No bangs, things going on in all directions all at once.

Second one is me with darling tiny little bangs. I really miss them. They’re good people.

Third one is the full bangs one, covering half my face but in what I’d like to think of as a flattering way. The drapes kind of shape reminds me of Brigitte Bardot’s bangs, and that’s always nice to think.

Last one is double me with medium bangs, chopped with my fabric scissors. Very experimental but I rather enjoyed it.

I was trying to stop myself and let them grow so I could get a pixie cut or something, but now looking at my face again I’m no longer sure if it’s a good idea. Jaw to square, chin too.. I’m afraid I’m gonna look like a man. I just don’t know what to do with myself, so please, you beautiful slores

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