hahaha you thought i have something to do right

Love Letter to North

Uppsala, 1 February 2016.

I started writing this on the train from Stockholm to Uppsala a couple of days ago. I was writing about 2015 and 2015 new year’s eve in Rome. Suddenly thinking about you. This is a love letter. Love letter doesn’t always have to be for lovers right.

Halo, Mir, do you remember Torre Boldone? HAHAHA. You laughed right?

As I was thinking the things I am thankful for in choosing Uppsala, you came by in my thought. I am incredibly grateful to be able to meet you and spent time knowing you and myself with you.

You are everything that I have wished myself to be and to have. And I think, based what you are saying I have also something that you are wishing yourself to be and to have. Therefore, I don’t think you should have any reason to feel you are not an awesome person. Can you imagine how awesome you must have been that even an awesome person like me want to be like you?

I have never found someone that I can have so much fun with as easy as being with myself. I boast that I can have fun on my own, amused by my own thoughts yet also delved with serious abstract notions. Being with you is like being with myself but better.

Let’s spend our life together. Togetherness that doesn’t not bound by mere technicality of geography, physical means nor any conventional inhibitor. You know that we don’t have to talk about our day everyday but you know that I am there. I might seem cold sometimes or distant, I might sound mean and harsh sometimes, but don’t be discouraged. I will never deliberately hurt people that I care about.

If I have not able to find any man worthy of me, I don’t think I will ever wonder nor regret as I have found you. Isn’t our goal in life is to be with the people who doesn’t make you lonely as they know you so well that it is so easy and comfortable to be in our own skin? I don’t want my life to be bound like Disney pre-Frozen movie that always perceive true love and all those are from the dude, the prince charming. In Frozen, the true love of Ella is Elsa (or I think that’s their name). Yet you are not family because in that word, there is a sense that you can’t choose your family. Yet, I choose you, with my eyes wide open choosing to take every step along the way.

We are both struggling right now. I am glad you are here. I know you are currently having a hard time with the fear of not being welcomed in your family for who you are. But know this, you will always belong with me. Even if, you turned into this kinds of girl that we used to bitch and hate together, like girls that tries to be cute and vulnerable deliberately. I might be rolling my eyes but you’ll always have me. You don’t have to be anything to be unconditionally loved and accepted with me. Even if all you left is your korong, I’ll have you. You have won a second hand life contract in me. It’s a second hand cause if it’s first hand then you’ll be able to lease it to someone else. I purposely send this via email so that you can read it no matter and where as long as there is internet. Please remember this when in the future you are having a hard time.

You are not my friend, nor my family nor lover. I think you are my north. Like a magnet, If I am south, then you are north, completely different yet one whole complete entity together.

Forever yours, Lita. P.S. I love you P.P.S. Inget kata Agnes Monica

I don’t know man it’s just, the internet is a place where you go. It’s like a platform we just put our minds into, and I wish so many people didn’t underestimate the power of a system that can captivate a lot of what you do. It’s a tool, but its like holy shit you know? It’s so big. It’s the closest thing to a manmade universe we have right now. I wish you could press save so that if you messed up you could go back to a checkpoint. Will we download ourselves somewhere else some day? Where’s my human external hard drive??(hahaha think of how expensive the first one created would be)

Perfect example, I always ranted about stuff/thoughts in a journal when I was a kid, because something told me what I had to say was important. Nobody really read those journals, (I saw people do it in movies, I thought if my life was cool enough there’d be a movie of it one day) And let me tell you, I’m as proud of them as I am embarrassed of them now, but journalism isn’t a private task anymore, you can blog now instead, 

I received a big blow tonight. Hahaha. My thoughts and feelings are all over so I cant write anything cohesive right now. Somehow, having to know that what I did know made me feel that I was just for passing time. Made me believe that people, when you’re good and in good condition tend to flock you but leave you when you fall and get lost. Here I was, eating myself up because I know I did something wrong and trying to even care about your reasons why you do things the way you do, why you’re like that, etc. only to discover that I was just right. You can never say those words because you can’t mean it, but you invoke me with your actions for me to mean it. Sigh, Wonder if I was even the one at wrong to do so. I have no time to dwell on the bitter pill you shoved to my mouth, but it’s hard not taste. So, fuck you shit head for making me feel this way, but as a friend, I really do mean when I say that I hope you find what you’re looking for and your happiness with her.