haha innuendo

People keep sayin Maxie doesn’t have a bed in his room… But, hear me out: what if his couch is a hideabed? I mean, it’s practical. I could totally see him being too sleep deprived to make the effort to actually pull it out, though. Or he probably just forgets or doesn’t use it often. But if like Archie came to his base and was like, “Haha wow Maxie, you say you’re such a genius but you don’t even got a bed in your office?” And Maxie would pull the bed out just to prove a point.

(Bonus: Maxie jumps on the bed, lays in the ‘french girl’ pose with the smuggest look on his face. He then gives Archie bedroom eyes and says some shitty innuendo like, “I pulled it out for you, so why don’t you pull it out for me? ;) ;) ;)” or some dumb dick joke like that.)

anonymous asked:

I let out the most hideous snort at that drawing xP

I’m actually smiling so much I’m starting to tear up a bit, haha!! X’D I’m so glad you guys like it even though it might be a little toooo much, but it was literally the first thing that came to my mind when I thought of something to draw, I’m so sorry!! X’D

You guys’ tags and comments are you fucking best though, thank you so much!! I’ll take it down a notch next time, I promise X’D 

More To 1 Side Of Her

Title: More To 1 Side Of Her
Character(s) Featured: Wade Wilson (Deadpool), Steve Rogers, Tony Stark, Clint Barton, Natasha Romanov, Bruce Banner, Thor Odinson
Pairing: Deadpool x Reader
Words: 3,161
Genre: Romance/Comedy
Rating: M (Mature 16+)
Author’s Note(s): Hello, hello, hello my poppets! Welcome back to another Fiction Request after so long. Again, for the many who come to read my stories, I would like to take this moment to say thank you. I feel truly honored and flattered that you are all entertained by my stories and/or ships. I cherish it with all my furry heart. Mew! Okay, we have received a request from an Anonymous admirer. It says: Can you do another deadpool x reader where reader is really nice and sweet around him and the avengers but when her friends come around she’s an insane, badass chick and deadpool is in awe?? (Btw love your blog) I’m really glad you love it, Anon! Please stop again to tell me your thoughts on the story. Hope you enjoy the story, everyone!
Summary: Hey there, kids! It’s your buddy Deadpool here. You know, that sexy ass mercenary who’s in that fucking awesome movie that kicked X-Men straight in their bell grandes before fondling a few of them with kindness. You know who you are…Wolverine. Did you know that’s the only place that’s smoother than baby’s bottom? Clean as a whistle… Anyway, there’s this special girl that makes me wanna unsheath my katana in front of her and shish her kebob if you know what I mean. Your silence worries me. She’s a sweetheart and I mean, sickeningly sweet. Like extreme-obese-kid-hiding-in-the-corner-eating-300-twinkies-while-having-a-diabetic-stroke sweet. Oh yeah, I’m hooked. Apparently, a bunch of her girlfriends, or her lesbian lovers as I always tell myself when I play with Mr. Winky, are coming for a visit and a whole new side of her is coming with them. Haha, coming—Ah, innuendos!

“Oh my God, Wade! What did you did to yourself?!” You exclaimed when you exited your bedroom and found Deadpool as he hobbled out of the elevator. He lifted his head slowly, the white from his lens were dull from being dragged across a rough surface. “What? This? It’s not that bad,” He managed to wince, “You should see the other guy. He just ran like he ate a really spicy chalupa, and they were divorcing him and taking the kids with them. He didn’t even buy me dinner, the fucker.” Wade hopped towards you, almost falling from tripping on his lifeless left leg. You caught him in the nick of time, groaning as all of his weight fell in your petite arms. “Come on, I’ll let you rest in my room and maybe check out those wounds,” You told him, sympathetically. “Nooo… I don’t wanna ruin your sheets by making them look like a virgin had sex and her period at the same time…”
After several minutes of arguing, and having to literally drag the grown man, you both made it to your room and onto your large full size bed. “I need to take off your suit”, You stated as you hovered over the collapsed mercenary. He gasped in a shock, “But y/n, we barely know each other. You haven’t even asked my father for my hand.” His hands moved up his chest to cover his pecs. You couldn’t help but smile as you rolled your e/c amused filled eyes.
You started working with the Avengers a few short months now and as the director warned you, it’s been definitely far from an ordinary day at the office. You weren’t a full fledged agent yet, given that your test results were not yet evaluated so you were given remedial assignments. Frankly, they were mainly writing reports, filing them, and repeat. You would take your time however, reading each of their retelling of the events that occurred and imagined how it would be working alongside them. Though they’ve often disagreed with the idea of putting you on the field. “Listen, I’m not saying it’s a bad idea, I just think that we should have her positioned elsewhere. Like behind a wall. Three continents away,” Tony suggested to the team, in one of the meetings the Avengers Initiative have on a daily basis. Steve pondered for moment, concerned for your safety if you were allowed to be part of group, “I have to agree with Stark on this, gang. As much as y/n or Fury might believe she’s ready for the field, she’s too darn fragile for the monsters we have to face everyday.”
“I’m all for having another woman around but I’m going with you guys. She’s so innocent, I don’t even think she’s ever insulted anyone let alone harmed them,” Natasha joined in, a strict frown upon her fair skinned face. Clint nodded, a smirk creeping on his lips, and his arms crossed as his body leaned against the black leather chair, “And who would make her famous cookies?! We’re talking about high quality, just-like-mother-used-to-make kind. Who has time to make mouthwatering sweets anymore?”
“I must agree with the archer. Her tempting scrumptious of confectionary goodness is most heavenly,” Thor chimed in. Bruce seemed to be the only level headed of the bunch, “We don’t know what she’s capable of. Perhaps there’s more to her than meets the eye.” *Oh, he also said the title just there! You had one job, Banner! Hello there, Deadpool again. Just wanted to remind you that this isn’t about them. This is a love story. With me. Not them. Me. Just wanted you to remember that.*
“You do know I have wicked regenerative powers, right? Have you read any of my comics?” Wade asked rhetorically as he watched you through his red and black mask. Your pink lips curled into a grin, looking back up at him from cleaning his right bloodied shoulder, “It doesn’t cover blood stained flesh, Wilson.” You managed to wipe off his entire torso, but you were concerned what was the damage behind that mask. When your slender fingers cautiously reached for it, all nonsense left Wade. He grabbed your hands gingerly, his eyes held on to your gaze, “Don’t.”
“Wade…” There was a wave of dysphoria that washed over him. You never saw him like this before. You have read the majority of the files of each Avenger however, Deadpool’s file was so large, it would’ve taken a decade just to get through the beginning of his mercenary career so you didn’t know the full extent of his scars. You held your breath, softly smiling as to assure him you won’t overreact. Frankly, you didn’t know how you’d react once that piece of fabric between them was gone. He sat there, frozen while your fingers found the velcro in the back. Slowly, you pried it open, the loud sound of it ripping apart was amplified by the silence in your bedroom. You finally reached the end of the leather spandex mask, and removed it from his head. Wade’s brown eyes glistened, slightly watery at the brink of spilling a tear. There was a hint of a strong odor, closely resembling sweat however, you weren’t going to mentioned that to the killing machine of a mercenary. His skin appeared aged, wrinkled, and several spots of flesh have rotted off. It was the final stages of an advanced cancer you’ve only read about. Your e/c eyes were glued to his appearance. He wasn’t hideous, you concluded. In fact, he didn’t lose all of his handsomeness. Well, he lost most of it, that’s a fact but there was a tragic beauty that was trapped behind his eyes that you didn’t have the heart to look away. “…You kinda look like a human prune,” You thought outloud. Wade was stunned. You didn’t scream, you didn’t cry in horror, you didn’t even try to beat him with a stick to see if the ugly came out. You used good ol’ fashioned dry humor. “Or maybe like a white Al Roker who lost too much weight, and then laid in the sun to shrivel up like beef jerky,” You added, tilting your head to one side as you continued to stare at his face. “ A white Al Roker… That’s-that’s a new one. An elderly man’s scrotum, a pornstar’s sagging vagina, but a white, wrinkled - Okay, I’m gonna go,” He replied, unsure what to make of this whole situation, until you grabbed his forearm, “Deadpool, what I mean to say is: you’re okay. I don’t mind how you look. I like you. Just the way you are.” With a soft smile and a gentle peck on the cheek, you walked out of your room leaving an extremely confused assassin who was ready to shoot himself in the head because his brain started to hurt from thinking. “I resent that last statement! It’s not hurting. Just slightly hitting itself against my fucked up skull. And I do think! I know my alphabet and everything! K-I-L-L-I-N-G, next time won’t you sing with me?…”

Several days had passed since that fateful afternoon and you continued to be your regular cheerful self, doing your best to assist the Avengers in whatever they need. Though they were already beginning to become quite fond of you, you cemented their affections by making a complete feast of a breakfast one morning. “Damn y/n, if you keep feeding us like this, I’m gonna need another hole on my belt,” Clint smirked, eyeing the large stack of Belgium waffles behind his dark tinted sunglasses. “This is too much, l/n. You didn’t have to go out of your way,” Steve said to you, his bright blue eyes shining in gratitude. You smiled widely, a light blush growing on the apples of your cheeks. “It’s really no trouble at all. It’s the least I can do for all you’ve done for me— Oh Vision, I’m safe to assume you don’t have a stomach so I got you these books on sociology, human civilization, and popular culture magazines instead. You know, for fun,” You handed them to the Vision in which he accepted them graciously. “Thank you, agent l/n. I will read them at my leisure,” He softly smiled, his blue computerized lenses briefly scanned each cover. You turned back to Rogers, “Well actually, I was wondering if I can ask for the day off tomorrow?” You fiddled with your fingers as you asked, averting his gaze. Despite being a great guy, and an incredible leader, Captain America was still quite intimidating. “I don’t see why not. If you don’t mind me asking, what’s the occasion ?”
“Does our little girl have a date with a possible degenerate who isn’t good enough for our baby?” Tony teased, before popping a piece of bacon in his mouth. Almost immediately, Deadpool popped his head from the hallway in order to hear your response clearly. Your cheeks flushed even more, a nervous chuckle escaping your pink lips, “No, nothing like that. I’ve never been even asked out.” The entire table went silent for a moment (Wade, on the other hand, yelled in surprise at the discovery. Naturally, everyone paid no mind to him). She really is innocent, they thought but chose to ignore her reply. For now at least. “Some of my very close friends are in town and they invited me to a little reunion at our favorite place,” You explained as you walked back and forth placing a hot beverage in front of each person. “Can we come too?!” Wilson asked, appearing right next to you with his hands clenched eagerly as he waited for your answer. “Wade!” Natasha reprimanded, her hypnotic blue-green eyes burning with annoyance. “Fuck off, Widow — So can we?”
You couldn’t hold back your laughter as you replied, “It’s okay, Nat—Yes Wade, you can come — In fact, you all are welcome, you’re interested. It starts at 8:00pm. Here’s the address,” You patted the pockets of your worn out blue jeans. Finally finding what you were looking for, you handed the small piece of paper to the blonde super soldier before walking towards the elevators. “I’m going to head out now. I have to get ready. I’ll see you guys there?” Everyone nodded, some muttering a yes with a mouthful of food. You smiled at the red and black Avenger, pointed to a spot on the table. Wilson turned and gasped like a five year old girl. There was a large stack of hot, steaming, freshly made pancakes covered with syrup, and a dollop of butter on top. Right beside it was a small card written in perfect script, ‘For Wade’. He was ready to shower you with affection but as soon as he turned back, you were gone.

“Uh, are you sure this is correct address?” Wanda cautiously asked, staying close to her older brother as the entire team walked towards large arena in the seediest part of Manhattan. “I checked with F.R.I.D.A.Y three times to make sure and this is it,” Stark sharply stated, giving his phone with the coordinates a second glance. “I’m afraid this is the location. I looked through the worldwide web and all sites point to this venue. It seems to be where they have annual competitions in a sport called ‘roller derby,’ The Vision stated, placing his hands in the pockets of a dark colored hoodie Tony let him borrow. They decided to dress down for the occasion in order to not be recognized by anyone. Without realizing it, they all wore the same thing; dark washed denim, a large hoodie, and a baseball cap pulled forward to cover their face. “I totally feel like we’re in a gang like in the movie ‘Warriors’—Ever watch that movie? I kicked the shit out of these kids that were dressed like a baseball team. It turned out they were really a baseball team! Ha, who would’ve thought, huh? The little shits deserved it, though.” Deadpool growled menacingly, causing onlookers to be even more anxious. “This has to be a mistake. She wouldn’t be in a place like this,” Cap frowned, worried for you safety. Widow chuckled when her gaze fell upon a large poster advertising the main event, “Wanna bet?” A group of thick, vivacious women, donning roller skates, helmets, and tight boy shorts graced the image with their flirtatious poses and smokey eyes. The last one on the far right was blowing a kiss to any person passing by. Her lips were plumped and red, her waist visible due to the crop top she sported, and displaying an elaborate belly ring that connected to a chain hugged her hips. That skater was you. They looked long and hard at the poster. “No…That can’t be…” Barton drifted in disbelief.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give a round of applause to our returning victors, Artemis’ Amazons!”

The place was packed, crowded with punk rockers of every age screaming for the team rolling into the track. It smelled of alcohol, cigarettes, weed, and another strong odor Steve chose to ignore as the Avengers pushed their way to the barricades. The announcer kindly handed the mic over to the captain who waved eagerly at the audience, “How you doin’, New York?!” They roared in excitement at being acknowledged, few even chanting her own name. “Alright, alright! Shut the fuck up now, I’m talkin’!” Tony raised an eyebrow, confused by the positive response she was receiving despite insulting them a few seconds ago. “I know the gang and I are excited to be coming home as champions for the second row but we were shitting bricks when we got a blast from the past! You remember her. Our little pussycat has come back to play for this night only! She sharpened her claws for this special occasion. So before she turns back into an adult, put your hands for our one, and only…Vixen!” You rolled beside your best friend and waved vigorously to the masses of supporters. Pressing your small hand to your red lips, you blew a kiss to them and even purposely pressed your arms together to show more of your cleavage. Everyone’s mouth dropped at your provocative behavior. You never behave like that in the tower. You even blushed when you accidentally saw Thor shirtless!
“Hello my fucking, sexy people! I hope you fuckers are ready for a hell of a game because this Amazon is ready to slit some throats, drink these bitches’ blood, and wipe the floor with these cunts!” You yelled into the microphone as your devotees clamored for you. They rushed closer to the bar that divides you from them. Wanda, Pietro, Clint, Vision and Natasha were pressed up against it, almost squeezing the life out of them. They would’ve been more responsive to the action but they were stunned from hearing you cuss for the first time since…well, ever! Vision was more neutral in reaction, since he himself have read swear words in several different languages. Steve’s mouth hung open, not believing what he just heard. Tony, for once, felt uncomfortable hearing those filthy words uttered. Most of all, because they were uttered by you. To the entire team, it felt like they just watched a baby smoke, drink, and cuss at the same time. It was rather disturbing. Deadpool, on the other hand, was in awe. As the game began, he watched you bodily harm every member of the opposing team, so much to the point they bled. Wade never found you sexier then covered in streaks of the crimson liquid. Out of nowhere, he held a counter to see how many times you cursed. *It was 354!* He shivered in delight with each hiss, or growl. “Ah, I think I just came a little,” The mercenary whimpered, once he saw you extend your arm and hit the opponent in the throat.

The tournament reached its end and naturally, Artemis’ Amazons won. The cleaning crew entered the track and began the daily routine of cleaning the blood off the smooth surface. Wanda, and Bruce grimaced at the arena that appeared more of a crime scene than a sporting event. “That was the most violent contact sport I’ve ever seen…” Banner said incredulously. Pietro smirked, placing his hand on his shoulder, “You obviously never watched a rugby match, my friend.”
“Hey guys, I’m so glad you came!” You exclaimed, running towards them with your arms open wide. You hugged them one or two at a time before you continued to dry your h/c hair with the black towel around your neck. “Did you enjoy yourselves?”
“Let me have your babies!” Wilson professed, grabbing both of your hands in his as he looked straight into your eyes. “Wait, that’s not right. I wanna put my mouth hole on your mouth hole!” You laughed at his responses but you understood what he was trying to say. At least, you hoped you did. The rest of the team shook their heads in embarrassment before Tony spoke up, “Were you always…”
“Always what?”
“This dirty?” The red and black Avenger wagged his hairless brows suggestively. Romanov stepped in, hitting Wade upside the head, “What Tony was trying to say is, were you always this…” Even she couldn’t bring herself to say it. How can you ask someone if they’ve always cursed like a drunken sailor? It was Rogers’ turn to try, “Did you always…”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, they wanna know if you always cursed,” The scientist said, exasperated by the delay. Iron Man placed his hand on his chest, taken aback by even Banner’s potty mouth, “Banner…” Your hands rested on your hips, shifting your weight to one side as you watched Earth’s mightiest heroes bicker back and forth over the timid physicist’s cry. Wade shuffled himself next to you, his gloved hands behind his back. You turned your head to him, waiting for him to say something but his eyes remained on them and he stood there silently. “…Do you do anal?” He finally said, inquiringly. You smiled widely, moving in front of him, pressing your behind against him, and placing your hands on his groin, “Oh yes, I fucking do.”