okay but i love that lance’s flirting is never seen as harmful or “gross” to the girls he’s flirting with???? like in most cartoons the flirty character is always shot down or given a look of disgust when they try to sweet talk someone but in voltron the girls lance flirts with just kinda giggle and look back at him in a way that’s just kinda like “haha you’re cute lol” and what makes it BETTER is that lance’s flirting is never like cat-calling or something else gross, like the most the boy does is fire some finger guns and try to talk himself up???? anyways i love lance and i love how his flirting is portrayed okay bye
Aries Venus: love me back but don’t chase me lol it’s my job to chase you duh…I’m going to make it obvious what I want. don’t overcomplicate things, love is simple. let’s make it fast. let’s jump into it. let’s make it exciting!!! it’s like a game and I’m going to win you
Taurus Venus: love me by staying the same. please. be there for me. be someone I can count on. be patient. feed me!!!! I like that. give me things!!!! I like that too. okay, okay, fINE I might want to possess you wHOOPS…just don’t push me or…bye
Gemini Venus: wait wait do I like you or do I like this other person????? or that person??? wait wait I’m just going to not think about it oooooh I’m curious about you now idk we can be together for today if you want but it’s chill!!! talk to me!!!! let’s just have fun!!! let’s not label this that’s so serious and boring!!! you can change, I can change, and I mean it’s cool if we want to also date 3 other people too lol like no biggie, it’s vARIETY haha just don’t pin me down or get too deep otherwise I’ll be out the door in 0.03 seconds
Cancer Venus: love me!!!!!!!! I’m so lonely!!!!! :((((( I just want you to be soft and hold me and tell me you’re committed and that you love me!!!!! I need to hear that because I feel like no one loves me ever :’( I want to stay at home and cuddle with you and you can tell me all of the things you’re feeling <3 and maybe I’ll smother you a little haha but dON’T LEAVE PLEASE
Leo Venus: love me back and I’ll show you how much I love you!!! like, all the time!!!! if I love you, know that it’s a compliment because I only settle for the best. you’re all I’m going to brag uM I MEAN talk about!!! if you make me the center of your world, I’ll make you the center of mine!!! we can have fun, all I need is attention and validation jUST A LIL BIT BE PREPARED and I’m the king/queen here so tell me I’m wonderful and amazing because I don’t hear that enough :/ if I don’t take pride in our relationship, see ya. that means you didn’t dESERVE ME
Virgo Venus: love me by letting me help you!! okay oKAY I’M A LIL INSECURE but I’ll do things for you!!!! I’ll make you feel loved without all of that sentimental lovey stuff - we don’t need that! my one flaw is that I see all of the flaws in our relationship and you - and want to fix them!!! and…nagging…sometimes…but just to make you better!! I just want things to be simple and practical!!! nOTHING BIG NOTHING TOO INTENSE THAT’S SCARY I MIGHT FREAK OUT AND LEAVE
Libra Venus: haha you can love me if you want to ;) but I mean only if you want to…like…I’m not trying to force anything here lol!!!! we can be in love…and have a beautiful pure relationship where we sHARE everything <3 and make everything look like we’re perfect :) I’m into equality :) um like don’t freak out but sometimes I’m just trying to be nice and it turns into flirting bUT IT’S OK…I know it’s weird but I really don’t like people who are too pushy I just want someone who’s going to be polite and nice :)))))) so if you’re not that I mean I’ll still be nice to you but just I might not want to be with you idk we’ll see AHHHH decisions are hard for me in relationships!!!!
Scorpio Venus: I’ll love you if you can handle me. I would say I don’t open up easily in love, but then that would be opening up to you. and I can’t do that. what I can do is be in control. I know how to handle this. oh, I’ll commit, it’s just not everyone knows how to figure me out. and I won’t stop until I find someone who’s willing to go deep with me. and I might stare at you for extended periods of time. you call it obsession, I call it intensity.
Sagittarius Venus: we can be in love if you show me the world!!!!! let’s grow!!!!! and expand our horizons!!!!! and laugh!!!!!! and have FUN!!!!! lot’s of FUN!!!!! oooooooohhhhhhh and if you’re foreign then I’ll REALLY like you!!!!!!!! wooooooooo love is an adventure!!!!!!!!!!!!! the only time I’ll leave is if I feel like you’re dragging down my free spirit!!!!!! I’ll find someone who’s more interesting and cultured than you are on my next expedition!!!
Capricorn Venus: okay. we can be in love but first I have to have a plan. I like plans. and feeling competent in love. I like seeing what I want and going for it. nothing crazy or overly gooey. nope. can’t do that. I just need someone who’s going to help me succeed. I’m cautious, but only because I don’t want you to waste my time that I could be using to be better and work harder. I’m always looking ahead, and I need someone to be there with me. let’s put effort into this and make it long-term. if you’re not willing to, then I will turn stone cold.
Aquarius Venus: I would say we could be in love but let’s not call it love!!! let’s call it whatever!!!! something we can’t label!!!! let’s mix it up because this world is so dull without us!!!! um…what’s attachment??? could you explain that word to me, please??? all I know is that we can be friends, you know??? and I’ll choose the terms, okay?? haha let’s be intellectual that’s pretty cool there’s no attachment there I know that and um sorry but eW FEELINGS lol not in a rELATIONSHIP if you want to bring that stuff up I’m not right for you I guess :/ find someone more boring
Pisces Venus: looooooooooveeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!! uh, sorry, what were you saying? oh, I’m just projecting all of my ideals onto you. no, it’s a compliment!!!!!! I accept all of your flaws!!!!!! aw let’s be romantic that’s so cuuuute <3 and yeah I’ll forgive you, it’s okay!!!! but sorry um I like you and all but it’s hard for me to commit sometimes because I see all of the possibilities!!! um, who am I??? I guess it doesn’t matter!!!! let’s live in a world of rainbows and unicorns together!!!!! but I mean it’s not really nice if you take advantage of me :((((
Ladrien Concept that I may or may not use for tlatb: Adrien accidentally facetimes Ladybug instead of calling her like he meant to, and is very surprised when a very sleepy Marinette pops up on his screen instead of his very “should be wearing a mask” girlfriend. She’s obviously exhausted becuase she doesnt even bat an eye, and Adrien just decides to play it cool despite the fact his whole world is kinnda warping in around him.
Marinette: *yawns* hi Adrien, what’s up?
Adrien: h-hey… um… b abe? I was just calling to tell you goodnight and that I love you haha what the fuck is happening
Marinette: awww, I love you too! I’ll see you tomorrow okay?
Adrien: haha yeah see you tommorow Maribug- I mean Ladynette- I MEAN BEAUTIFUL GIRLFRIEND WHOM I AM EVEN MORE IN LOVE WITH NOW ALRIGHT BYE
while you’re waiting for me to post or just looking for suggestions, i hope this helps! it took me ages to compile and i’ll update as i come across new pieces, so i hope that both readers and writers alike appreciate this’=) as a reader i know how satisfying it is to read quality fics, and as a writer i know how gratifying it is when someone acknowledges your work. i’ll be honest, it’s mostly smut and lots of fantasy!au because i am a mermaid princess, so of course i’m always thirsty; BUT it’s not all that this list is, i assure you there’s a nice mix of everything~
last edited may 28 ′17 (top three are new, sorry the descriptions suck,, i’m sick)
*i edit this post constantly, so be sure to check it often for updates! i used to keep authors together, but now i just put the newest pieces at the top. i’m always looking for new material, so don’t hesitate to dm me some or drop me suggestions in my ask!
**if you have written or read any scenarios/fics of any genre for SF9, IKON, VARSITY, B.A.P, PENTAGON, VAV, or NCT please send them to me!! these groups need more love!!!
seeing ex-namjoon at a party and you’re on the arm of a new guy after a while (when neither of you really stopped loving each other in the first place) leads to some *things*. this is very rough, demeaning, and super dirty so if you’re not into that, don’t read this ok~~~~~~~~
okay i’m not into sexting nor did i ever think i would be, but this scenario has changed my life!! accidentally sending taehyung a nude is actually the best thing ever, wow. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS PIECE. it’s so well written, 10s all around. the dialogue is A+++++++
MAE NEVER DISAPPOINTS!! college!nct and some sicheng yes please! technically there is slight smut but truthfully i think it’s the build up that makes it feel so intense so if you’re not in the mood for heavy stuff you should definitely read this.
i usually steer clear from dom!reader pieces because it’s not me at all BUT if i ever did venture out to try myself as a switch this is exactly how i think it would go down, realistically. i really really enjoyed this jimin one~
i actually read this one a long time ago but i lost it, but i found it!! so much angst and tension with soon-to-be stepbrother!jaebum oh my eff. it’s a mini series and markson have notable characters throughout! i cried a lot, i loved this so much.
i am such a power sub and this gives me life!!! devil!namjoon ruler of all 7 levels of hell? how can you not be intrigued by this one. (i’m not super into “daddy” but i like the dynamics i just personally prefer another name haha)
i am such a sucker for royalty!au and with prince jungkook? hell yeah i’m going to love it. you’re also a princess, how can you not enjoy this one! there’s mild angst but hang tight because it all works out in the end!
so this one was actually on the list AGES ago but sweetheart went and added a second part AND I LOVE IT EVERY BIT AS THE FIRST!! you need to read it!!1! but i do need to warn you that taeyong AND yuta are in this so you will have to wear your seatbelts okay bbies~
there is so much more than just face riding lol but this minghao one shot is well written (as with everything else admin scooter writes – quality). i feel like minghao deserves more writers.. but yeah hehe
this wasn’t even supposed to be angst but i cried?? kihyun being an ass is amusing as always but this felt so real? ANYWAY the storyline is ridiculously good, the smut is amazing, and wah it’s just perfect in every way ok.
okay i was so conflicted on whether or not to put my own writing but if you only ever read one thing by me LET THIS BE IT. smoker!taehyung but of all the other boys make notable appearances. it’s smut, but it’s funny too, and ah please just read this i promise you’ll enjoy it ok. probably the peak of my writing career.
I HAVE NEVER CRIED MORE AND LOVED IT SO MUCH. i’m not trying to shove this one down your throat but it’s perfect and you’re missing out. boyfriend!hyunwoo is so realistic and maybe that’s why it kills me.. (also, this deserves SO many more notes than it has?? wtf i don’t understand)
every single g*ame g*rumps episode: hey it’s me arin 🅱️anson haha isn’t this game bad WWWWOOOoooowwwwWWWW it’s a GIRL character time to call her “baby” and other weird terms while vaguely talking about fucking her haha man i could sure go for some DICK sucking right now am i right i love BIG JUICY DICKS here’s me doing a racist accent but it’s okay it’s not really racism it’s just Jokes
So the cast of RFA Party PH’s RFA Cafe has taken over my life and ruined my work schedule but I have no regrets because I love them all… and they inspire me, okay??? Thank you guys for making our days brighter long after the end of event! I drew their out of costume group photo as their characters cause I thought it’d be cute~ and aren’t they just as gorgeous out of costume? haha again… Thank you guys for what you do for us. ♥
u know whats great? that lance has honestly taught me that its okay to be a guy and care about beauty, that its not just a feminine thing and even if it was that there’s nothing wrong with that!
the only other times in movies or tv i’ve see a man wear a face mask or pamper himself is when someones using it for humor- haha look at that guy, he’s not manly at all! he must be gay! thats not something boys do!
lance enjoys pampering himself and feeling pretty and it’s not just used as joke, it’s a part of his nature and no one else points it out or scoffs at it
that just makes me really happy and honestly that precious boy has allowed me to accept certain parts of myself i didn’t at first
you can be a boy and have a beauty routine, you can take care of your skin, its a relief finally seeing that validated and i really appreciate the voltron writers for giving us this part of lance, because it’s so so important! i love him!
Other moms showing pictures on their phone: our youngest just turned 15 and our eldest is off to college to become an architect, they grow up so fast. I will say I’m glad we stopped when we did though, two was a bit of a handful haha.
Me, a cool tumblr mom: ha ha yea tell me about it.
Other moms: but you don’t have any???
Me: sure I do *whips out phone and starts scrolling through tumblr* this one is Julia, she’s 72 and she knits sweaters for homeless shelters, and this one writes unbeLIEVABLE stucky fanfic, just the Best ™. This one does amazing korassami fanart. This one is probably going to be president one day, this one is sad a lot but that’s okay we love them anyway, this one just came out as non binary and we love them unconditionally, this one is dealing with some awful health stuff but they’re coping so well I’m so proud, this one just got into community college and I cried I was so happy for them, this one keeps asking me Pratchett meta questions which is amazing. This one’s my ‘trashcan’ gay daughter and I love her, she’s not really a trashcan but she thinks it’s funny to call herself one so we humor her, we’re very proud of her, this one draws me fanart of my ocs which makes me happy, this one gets easily overwhelmed by social situations but they’re getting there, this one sends me bad books to read all the time, this one…
okay but au where dean and cas are best friends and dean comes over to cas’ house but on the way to his room he stops by cas’ sister’s room to say hi to her parrot.
and the parrot goes “i think i’m in love with dean” and dean’s just like wtf but then anna comes in all hysterically nervous laughter trying to cover for her brother and she’s all like “haha yeah i’m totally in love with you haha i just didn’t tell you ‘cause you’re cas’ best friend and you’d never return my feelings haha”
and dean’s like shit she’s right because he’s already more or less in love with cas but then cas comes in to find dean and the parrot says “castiel i can’t believe you’re in love with dean” and dean’s like “what is the truth” and anna’s like “gotta blast” and that’s how dean and cas get together.
I want to talk a little bit about beauty magic.
WARNING: LONG POST AHEAD.
To make a long, sad story short, I always hated looking in the mirror because I hated what I saw. I thought I was an ugly fuck and I’d avoid the mirror as much as I could to not see who was staring back at me. When I came upon witchcraft, overtime, I realized that I was neglecting myself of being who I am, beautiful.
I really love incorporating magic into what can make me feel beautiful and empowered and the way I do so is by using music beauty magic to aid me while I take showers, put on makeup, get dressed, etc. It has helped me see that I am truly beautiful for who I am with flaws and all, and I would like to share with you that you too are just as beautiful as I. We are beautiful.
Lets take this one step at a time:
Morning Slumps to Magic Mornings
For me, this is one of the hardest parts of my day. I look like hell; makeup smeared, hair in knots and messy, clothes twisted, goop in eyes, morning breath, I mean, mornings are just not my thing and I have truly felt disgusting while working my way up to getting ready. While thinking to myself how gross I am, it made me less ambitious and made me less willing to look past what I found ugly. So as I brushed my teeth, took a shower, and got ready for my day I already had in mind how ugly I am by focusing on the negative. Thoughts are SO powerful and what we think is what we will see.
Beauty Magic Tip One: Make a playlist called “Beauty” or a title that makes you feel empowered/beautiful. Have your coffee, eat your breakfast, whatever your routine is. Make your playlist and only put in songs that make you feel beautiful, music that makes you feel sexy, and strong. When you are finished with your morning routine, brush your teeth, and when you are done turn on your playlist. Take a shower while you have that playlist going and think about how beautiful you are and how strong your are.
If you sing the songs as you shampoo/condition/wash your body you are washing that beauty all over you and having it soak into your pores and washing off any negativity that lingers. You don’t have to sing, only do if you are comfortable with it.
If you are a witch who can’t be open with your magic this is a great way to do beauty magic since you are alone (well, assuming, haha) in the shower. The most you have to worry about is having someone ask you to turn down the music or tell you to stop singing in case you are too loud.
If you are a spoonie witch this is a great way to do powerful magic because all you need is your thoughts and a playlist for your tools (and your voice if you choose to sing).
Based off of experience (I take hot ass showers) your electronics can get ruined in warm and humid places overtime if you have them in the bathroom with you, if so, make sure that you keep the bathroom well ventilated.
I hate to admit it but sometimes while I am showering and I get really into a song and I dance a bit (fuck can’t believe I admitted it but moving past, haha) just please be careful. There have been a couple times where I have almost fallen, haha.
Beauty Magic Tip Two: While you get ready for your day (doing your hair, getting dressed, putting on your makeup) have your Beauty playlist going on and think about how beautiful you are and sexy you are. This can aid in getting you energized for the day ahead.
If you would like, while you get ready and listen to your encouraging music keep a rose quartz on/near you. This can add that little extra oompf.
Again, a great way to incorporate magic if you are one who can’t be open with your craft. Who is going to tell you that you can’t listen to music and get ready at the same time?
If you are a spoonie witch this is a great way to do powerful magic because all you need is your thoughts and a playlist for your tools (and your voice if you choose to sing).
This is just me personally but I can’t sing and put on makeup, that ends in the result of stabbing myself in the eye, haha. Be careful dearie!
Rose quartz is one of many crystals that can be used to add a little extra loving energy / beauty magic. If you feel connected to another crystal that makes you feel beautiful use it!
If you are a spoonie witch don’t overwhelm yourself. Chronic pain can sometimes get the better where you can’t get ready like you want for your day, and that’s okay. All you need are your positive thoughts and have your playlist going, you are beautiful.
Afternoon Blues to Swingin’ Days
Afternoons are where I feel the most sluggish because its the middle of the day and I am still busy doing my shit (cleaning, working, so forth). Afternoons can feel as if they drag on because you are waiting for the work/school day to be over with so you can go home and chill the fuck out.
Beauty Magic Tip Three: While your are working/in school and you have a moment to yourself just think about how gorgeous you are. Keep a positive attitude about yourself because words and thoughts are powerful.
You can bring along with you a self love spell jar/sigil/crystals along with you to work/school and keep it tucked away in your purse/wallet/backpack where ever as long as it is on your personally.
All you need for this are your thoughts and positive vibes. Great for spoonie witches.
You can honestly do this whenever throughout the day since all you need are your thoughts. I just like doing this while in the middle of my day because it is a gentle reminder that I am beautiful no matter what I am doing.
Again, use any kind of crystal that resonates with you and beauty.
Beauty Magic Tip Four: When the day is finally over and you are on your way home put on that playlist and sing your heart out.
If you are underage and aren’t driving yourself and have to ride the bus or carpool with others but still want to listen to your playlist on your way home, plug in your headphones. You don’t have to sing, singing is just a bonus. Listen to the music, let yourself feel beautiful.
If you are driving yourself home, (this is just me personally) but I crank up the music and sing my ass off bring in the loving vibes after a long day.
Gloomy Evenings to Enchanting Nights
I love nighttime. For me, it’s the time to really get connected with my being. The stars shine down on our hearts showing us that glitter of beauty that we each carry. We are all apart of the universe, that beauty is always within us as long as we are willing to open our eyes and see the natural beauty that we hold.
Beauty Magic Tip Five: Nighttime shower, read Beauty Magic Tip One along with notes and bonus section. This method can be applied to night and morning showers.
Beauty Magic Tip Six: Magical baths allow us to soak in the properties of whatever kind of magic we are doing. Fill your bath up with water, add bubbles if you would like, and before you get in put on your Beauty playlist. Instead of singing, just listen. Let the words soak into your pores as the water will do.
You can add candles, herbs, essential oils, incenses, crystals around your bath that are related to beauty/loving energies.
A great way for witches who can’t be open about their craft to do magic because you are taking a bath, you can say you just need to relax after a long day.
Awesome for spoonie witches. You are soaking in the tub of your beauty and all you need is your thoughts and playlist going.
If you are using essential oils/herbs make sure you DO YOUR RESEARCH. Don’t use anything that can be harmful for your body.
If you are using crystals make sure you DO YOUR RESEARCH. Don’t use any crystals that will dissolve in water, or can’t be near water, or that can make your water toxic in case accidents happen.
It’s best that you don’t have your phone on your during this bath. Focus on yourself, on your beauty, and all the love you should be giving to yourself.
Personally, when I do this I don’t like to sing (and I love singing, haha). One, because it is nighttime and people in the house are asleep. Two, because I like to completely lose myself in the bath and relax. So keep the music low and peaceful so you can soak up all that beautiful energy.
Don’t have your electronic on the edge of the tub while your music is going. Personally, I use my phone (its an iPhone, all my music is there) and I don’t know about you but I am a clumsy fucker and I can’t afford losing that shit, haha. So keep your music going somewhere in ear shot (on the vanity or on a shelf in your bathroom, wherever water won’t damage your electronics.)
Beauty Magic Tip Seven: I have acne issues and they bug the shit out of me but it doesn’t mean I’m not beautiful. So before I go to bed I wash my face (with lavender soap) and put on a special remedy I personally make to get rid of my acne. After your shower or before you go to bed, washing your face is a BIG helper to keep yourself beautiful. Keep a special towel that is specifically used for washing your face. Cleaning your face with some water and soap that is proper for your skin can do you wonders. While you wash your face think how powerful you are and how beautiful you are.
If you have acne and are curious about my remedy watch this video to see how I do it.
You can have your Beauty playlist going on as you wash your face, adding that that extra oompf of gorgeous to your magic.
This is a great way to incorporate magic if you are one who can’t be open with your craft. If someone asks what you are doing all you have to say is that you are taking care of yourself, which, well you are!
If you are using the acne remedy of mine make sure that you are able to use it. It contains tea tree essential oil, not everyone can use that for their skin so please DO YOUR RESEARCH. I am not responsible for if something goes wrong because I am warning you now what works for me may not work for you, so test the waters and make sure you use ingredients that are safe for your skin.
While washing your face keep your electronics away from you if you are playing your Beauty playlist as you wash your face. This is just from personal experience but I am a messy fucker when it comes to washing my face. I wish I could be as graceful as those ladies on TV splashing water on my face with no effort, but yeah, this is real life and water gets EVERYWHERE. So, if you are like me, keep that in mind if you want your music playing.
You don’t have to have music going, it’s optional. I just love music and incorporate it with anything magical I do.
This can be overwhelming for spoonie witches (especially if you are one who has chronic pain in hands/wrists) because you are in motion washing your face so do what you can, if it is too painful to do then I recommend not doing this.
Beauty Magic Tip Eight: As you are laying in bed, right before you fall asleep say out loud, in your head, or whisper “I shine bright like my brothers and sisters of the night sky.” or “I am beautiful.”
Sleep with a rose quartz crystal to have the beauty of yourself always be with you, even in your dreams.
You can honestly say anything you’d like before you fall asleep, the two examples I provided are just ones that I say. Anything along the lines to you being beautiful will bring you beauty and charm.
You don’t have to use rose quartz. If you connect to another crystal that provides you the same beautiful/loving energies use it!
I wanted to save these for the very end.
Beauty magic isn’t so that others will see you and think “Holy fuck, they are SO beautiful. I MUST HAVE THEM.” It isn’t like that. This kind of magic is about you seeing yourself as beautiful.
Regarding your playlist, you can have ANY music that makes YOU feel beautiful. If the song makes you feel strong, sexy, beautiful, charming, empowered, whatever go ahead and use it!
This is just a taste of music from my personal Beauty Playlist to help you get an idea:
Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton, Sugar Magnolia by Grateful Dead, She Is Beautiful by Andrew W.K., Oh Pretty Woman by Roy Orbison, Lovingest Woman In Town by Albert King, Humans by The Scene Aesthetic, My Little Girl by The Jeff Healey Band, Cigarettes and Coffee by Otis Redding.
Like I said, you can use whatever kind of music you want as long as you feel beautiful. (Don’t be rude, please don’t give me any shit for my taste in music.) ____________________
So there we have it, a list of different ways you can incorporate beauty magic within your lives, and yes I know most of the tips have something to do with music but I am someone who incorporates music into everything I do magically.
I hope you all enjoyed this post and if you use these tips, let me know how it works for you and tell me what you added to make it your personal style.
Well, this is kinda angsty, but can I request a scenario where zen & mc are together and in the last rfa party zen slept with jaehee and after a few days jaehee couldn't deal with the blame and told mc in front of all rfa but MC pretended not to believe her (andthenrfa*cof*saeran*cof*tryingtocomforther). This is ridiculously specific, i know lolol but feel free if you don't want to do it, it's okay, or if you want to change anything just do it 😅 I love love love your blog and your writing ❤❤❤❤❤
Ok so this post actually ended up being realllly long and I don’t know how to do the ‘read more’ thing so I’m really sorry to anyone trying to scroll by Oops
And I’m so glad you like my writing, and I’m also really glad I got this request because at first I wasn’t sure how to write it (I basically ended up writing a fanfiction using bullet points haha oops) but I had a lot of fun doing it.
Disclaimer: I don’t think Zen would ever cheat and I actually don’t think Jaehee has any romantic feelings for him, just admiring adoration.
And I know you said I could change things but it’s rlly angsty and I’m an angst monster and I kinda love it sooo i’m gonna keep it exactly how you wrote it
let’s do it
Zen had always been flirty with you
And at some point..you had started flirting back
And soon it was more than flirting and you found yourself head over heels for each other
Constant phone calls too each other where you’d gush over how you wished you could see each other
Good morning and Goodnight texts
The occasional shameless flirt in the public chat
Once you two met at the first RFA party it was like a scene from a Disney movie, you two all but ran to each other and he swung you around once he snagged you in a tight embrace
Looking into his eyes you swore this could be love
He did too.
He really did swear he was in love with you
You were everything he had hoped and more
You were the person that woke him up everyday and put a smile on his face, you were the person that he thought of when love songs came on the radio, when he was on stage you were his muse, when he lay down to sleep at night you were the final thought in his head, and the first one in his dreams.
The next RFA party was a few months after you two had first met in person, only a couple months into your very happy relationship
You two had spent the first half of the night joined at the hip, happily enjoying each other’s company.
But somewhere throughout the nights timeline you both got distracted by separate guests and acquaintances and wandered away from each other.
Zen started drinking. Whoever he was talking to kept egging him on and the two of them were having a good ole time, which is rare for Zen in these occasions because the guests are usually upper class aristocrats like Jumin or if they are there for Zen, it’s as fans instead of friends
So he thought he’d treat himself
It got to be a bit much
The other guests were starting to notice and Jumin was not going to have the press covering Zen’s drunken gusto at an RFA event
“Assistant Kang,” Jumin sauntered over to Jaehee while keeping his eyes on Zen. “please escort Hyun to the back where he can cool down, out of the cameras’ lines of sight.”
“Of course, Mr. Han” And Jaehee was off. She was relieved that she had an excuse to get Zen out of the room, she too recognized the bad press that could follow this event but felt she hadn’t had the authority to tell Zen otherwise
But under the guise of Jumin’s will, she was able to convince Zen to head to the back so ‘Jumin wouldn’t bitch’ (in the words of the actor).
Soon it was just the two of them in the back room, Jaehee giving Zen water as he yanked at his shirt collar, complaining it was hot.
In his drunken shenanigens he managed to undo all his buttons at some point while Jaehee was getting more water, so she came back to shirtless Zen.
Zen knew those eyes.
As the assistant stared at his pectorals with a slight blush on her cheeks, he looked into her eyes and saw something
Adoration. Admiration. Want.
She wanted him.
Somewhere, deep in his psyche, behind the pseudo narcissist wall, 10 year old Hyun Ryu craved the attention. The positive attention his mom said he’d never get
He had you
But in that moment he had Jaehee too, and he couldn’t turn that down
Jaehee doesn’t even know how it initiated, she just recalls Zen pressing her against the wall and kissing her with a passion she’s never felt before.
His hands undoing the buttons of her shirt
His lips whispering praises of how she was not only successful, but also beautiful. And so sweet. And smart. And-
She almost cried. Someone as talented as Zen saw something so great in someone as plain as her? Impossible.
But he kept assuring her, and touching her, and loving her
Loving her the way he should have been loving you
The guilt hit her, but she watched it disappear as ecstasy took over
Zen passed out once they were both finished, pants undone and shirt wide open, but eyes closed and soft breaths flying in and out of his lips
Jaehee was wide awake though.
She was leaning against the wall, clothes messily pulled back on and tears threatening her eyes
The guilt was back and it felt like the weight of the world’s biggest mistake was sitting on her shoulders
She put her hands over her mouth as she stared at Zen, and she started crying when she thought of you.
“What have I done?”
After every party, the RFA gets together a few days later to go over logistics. What worked, what didn’t, who came, how to convince more people to come, etc
Jaehee’s heart dropped as you and Zen walked in together, a bright smile on your face, a blank slate on his.
No not blank
When Jaehee met his crimson eyes she saw it, the same thing he probably saw in her eyes: Guilt. Remorse. Regret.
She could barely stomach the feel as you greeted her and hugged her
“Jaehee! Good to see you! I feel like we didn’t get to talk much at the party thanks to someone making a little scene” As you pulled away you playfully rolled your eyes towards Zen.
He just gave a nervous chuckle
Jaehee opened her mouth, ready to spill her guts, only to find it was dry as cotton.
You gave her a quizzical look, ready to ask what was wrong, but Jumin’s voice interrupted with “Shall we begin?” looking pointedly at the three of you.
“Yahoo~” Seven cheered as he plopped down next to Saeran, who had recently been getting dragged along to all the RFA meetings, given he tended to just sit in the corner and pout.
Much like right now. He did little more than look at you and nod, which was as courteous a greeting as you were going to get with him.
Yoosung nodded, signaling everyone was ready, and the discussion began
You all were about 30 minutes into the conversation
Except for Jaehee
She couldn’t stop thinking about what happened the night of the party
She couldn’t stop looking at you and feeling guilty
She couldn’t stop thinking about telling you
“I need water” She stood up abruptly, startling everyone a bit
Jumin had a bit of an annoyed look on his face but conceded with “Fine. Quick 5 minute break for everyone”
Jaehee booked it to the kitchen
“Uh…I’m thirsty too.” Cue Zen bee-lining after her.
“Are you Okay??” He asked in a harsh whisper
“No I’m not okay!” Jaehee hissed back “We…we have to tell her.”
“No!” Zen’s eyes widened “No. You and I both know it was a mistake that will never happen again. She doesn’t need to know.”
“Zen if you love her-”
“I do love her!” He snapped back “I love her which is why I can’t lose her Jaehee. I know we messed up, I do. But..I can’t lose her over my mistakes” His eyes were pleading even more than his voice
Jaehee just stared into the crimson orbs, feeling the knot in her stomach grow. She just weakly nodded.
There was a moment of silence before she chugged her glass of water and turned to head back towards the living room where everyone was seated
She took a strong stride in
She bit her tongue
She was not going to-
You were the first face she met walking back in
Your smile welcoming her back to the circle
Your eyes cheery
Your heart open to her as it had been since the first day even when she treated you coldly.
Zen was right behind Jaehee and nearly bumped into her when she stopped dead in her tracks
“Jaehee?” You and he called at the same time, him due to her abrupt stop, and you because of the tears suddenly pouring from her eyes.
“Jaehee what’s wrong?” You rushed to her, attracting everyone’s attention
You caught Zen’s face from over her shoulder, his eyes wide. Knowing.
“M-MC” Jaehee choked out
“W-What is it?” You asked worriedly taking her trembling hands in yours
“MC” Her voice fell. There was just a moment of silence. Everyone in the room was looking, the outburst had even taken a hold of Saeran’s full attention.
“Zen and I…we’ve done something awful”
You knew what she was suggesting but..no. No you didn’t. No way that’s what she meant you’re just confusing things.
“…What did you do?” You asked cautiously
Sniffling. Endless sniffling. You looked to Zen, who was pale and looked like he was also ready to cry.
“I’m so sorry” He managed to get out before the lump in his throat clogged his vocal cords.
“At the party MC we- we had….” Jaehee couldn’t get the filthy three letter word out of her mouth
You dropped her hands and looked to Zen
“MC I’m so sorry” Zen repeated, his voice shaking even more
Everyone was quiet, waiting for your response
You had none. Just an empty stare and mouth slightly agape, waiting for words to come out of their own accord
Finally they did
“This is a really cruel joke to play” You feigned a very obvious forced smile as your eyes blinked back tears “I never thought you guys would do such a thing..haha” You wiped a way a small drop ready to roll down your cheek
“MC!” Jaehee exclaimed “This isn’t-”
“Jaehee.” Your voice dropped. “I really don’t find this funny.”
“Neither do I!” The brown haired girl went to take your hand again but you pulled away
“And Zen” You turned to him “I don’t- I don’t know..how…” You couldn’t finish the sentence
They were everywhere. Pouring down your face, flooding your eyes, gathering in a small pool at your chin. It was an onslaught of tears rolling down your cheeks, choking your words, your thoughts, your everything.
“MC” Zen reached out to you, only to have his hand swatted away by yours.
You just stared at him and cried, forcing him to look you in the eyes as your faux smile fell to pieces.
You felt a hand softly fall upon your shoulder, and you turned to see Seven looking at you, apologetic pity in his eyes. Saeran stood behind him, wearing an angrier version of his twin’s sentiment.
“Let’s go for a ride, get some fresh air, huh MC?” The red head’s voice was soft
You softly nodded and let him guide you towards the door, not even able to muster up to energy to look back at Jaehee and Zen.
Saeran did however, and he looked back towards the two with a face full of disgust, up until the moment he slammed the door
“what a good meeting” Jumin grumbled under his breath as he turned a disdainful eye towards Zen
You drove for a couple hours probably. Most of it in silence, but a comfortable one. You were in the passenger seat and Saeran was in the back, Seven at the wheel finding desolate roads and flying down them, giving the wind of your open window some sort of purifying feeling. It stung, but it felt good. Your hair whipped around and the land raced by and you occasionally sobbed but that was ok.
Eventually you found yourself back at the Chois’ place, sitting on the couch, staring at a TV playing a movie that you hadn’t been paying attention to for the last hour. Your mind was elsewhere, wondering what you had done wrong.
You looked at the carton of ice cream in your hand, only doing so because the sight of Saeran setting his own empty one on the coffee table had triggered you to remember Seven had given you your own carton to drown your sorrows in.
The redhead had actually gone out to buy more, so it was just you and Saeran on the black leather couch staring at the TV screen.
“Do you want this?” You offered the ice cream to Saeran who’s expression turned from bored to surprised, probably because you’d been silent for the past six hours aside from a sob here and there.
“You don’t want it?”
“I’m not hungry”
He stared at you and the carton for a second, his face unreadable.
He wanted to insist you eat the ice cream, because personally he found it to always make him feel better, but he figured you didn’t want to hear it.
He took the carton from your hands and placed it on the table in front of you two
Silence aside from the noise of the TV.
He cast a glance to you, only to find your eyes on the floor.
“doyou wantalk” You barely understood what he said it was so quiet
“What?” You looked to him
He thought you were asking out of surprise rather than inaudibility and “My therapist…he says that talking things out makes you feel better.” He looked indignant for a moment, likely remembering how stupid he felt when he rejected the idea only to find later that his therapist had been correct
“I…I have nothing to say” Your shell of a voice whispered
Saeran furrowed his brows at you. “Say you hate them”
His voice raised a bit “You hate them don’t you? So say it. The therapist said talk about your feelings so start there. They’re scumbags who hurt you and deser-”
“No!” You’re voice hit a volume it hadn’t reached in hours. “I don’t hate them!”
Saeran was mixed with confusion and anger “What do you mean you don’t hate them? One of your best friends and your boyfriend fucked-”
There it was
Someone finally said it.
The hot tears made a return and began rolling down your cheeks as sudden sobs erupted from your mouth
Saeran was alarmed at the sudden show and tried to pinpoint the trigger. He supposes it could be his last sentence but it’s not as if it wasn’t something we all knew.
“I….I don’t hate them” You cried once the worst of the sobs subsided.”I don’t even think I want to hate them. I mean it’d be easier but…I don’t. Jaehee…it’s not her fault. She just..got wrapped up in it all. And she’s always liked Zen. How could she have said no. And he..he was drunk” You sputtered out your rationalizations to find that they only annoyed Saeran
“The Assistant should still no better. But fine. You know what? She’s not dating you, and clearly she triggered you finding out the truth. So let’s pretend she’s ok? What about the actor? I don’t care that he was drunk. There’s no excuse for him doing that!” The white haired boys voice had become louder and louder, fists clenching tighter and tighter as he began riling up old feelings of betrayal he once felt. “He abandoned you! He left you in the dust and for what? He failed you!”
You don’t know when it happened but Saeran had turned towards you and grabbed your hands, squeezing them tight in between his own. His mouth was contorted into some sort of snarl and you saw a fire raging behind his minty eyes.
“Saeran..you’re hurting my hands” You squeaked out.
Your small voice dragged him out of whatever memory he was reliving and he sort of faded back into reality with a few blinks of his eyes before turning his attention to his hands. He let go of yours and in a flat voice uttered a “sorry”.
You guys were silent again, just staring at the floor, both living in whatever sad memory chose to cross your brains.
“You deserve better is all” He finally said.
“I know” You replied, voice empty of any real feeling.
You looked up, staring at the TV but not actually watching as a man on a horse offered a hand towards a young woman. “I just can’t stop thinking about him. About the him I fell in love with. Is he really gone?”
Saeran followed your gaze to the TV, looking on as the girl hopped on the horse. “I think so. That’s assuming he was the guy you thought he was at any point.”
“He was.” You said, a little defensive. Saeran looked towards you, watching your emotionless expression, knowing that there was a storm underneath despite the calm appearance. He knew because he often did the same, rocking a stoic appearance while watching all hell break loose in his own head.
“Is this the part where I say ‘It gets better’?”
“Do you believe that it does?”
“Not a fuckin’ chance” A bitter smirk twisted his lips
“I appreciate the honesty” You sighed
“Not in the way that we think it will anyway” He looked off into space somewhere.
“Hm?” You turned to him
“Everyone imagines that one day soon they’re going to wake up and suddenly it’s not going to hurt anymore. That there’s gonna be a day when you don’t think about this. You’re always gonna think about it. You’re always gonna wonder what you did wrong. Why God hates you. What things would be like if it didn’t happen.”
“You don’t think that there can be a day when it all feels ok?” You ask, partially to heal your hopeless heart, and partially because you see Saeran is projecting his own feelings and you’re curious to know how he feels.
“Maybe. I haven’t hit it yet though. Doubt I will.”
You stared as he looked off into the distance, feeling as if you could see the scenes of his past playing in his eyes.
You were just about to recede back into your ball of depression and hopelessness before he spoke again and took your attention
“But that’s me. You’re…you, MC” your questioning look prompted him to continue “You’re…a good person.”
“You are to-” You went to say but he cut you off by turning and leaning towards you with a new intensity in his face.
“Not like you. If at all” He scoffed. “ You though, everyone loves you. And they’re right too. Because…” suddenly he stopped himself, seeming to turn a little shy.
“Because?” You wanted, no, needed to hear this.
He gulped down his fear and turned his eyes to the side, unable to look at you as he delivered his next few words, scared of you seeing through him even more than you usually do.
“MC, you’re..everything. You’re smart, you’re cute, and you’re …kind. You always know what to say to help everyone. And that’s the thing. You try to help people, even people trying to hurt you…” His eyes turned back to you “You saw a good in me even when I didn’t. You risked your life to help my brother to save me. You’re…kind of like an angel.”
You just stared, taken aback by such kind words, from Saeran of all people.
You were right to be surprised, he wasn’t usually this smooth in conveying his feelings verbally…there must have just been something about you that made it easy for him to talk.
“If it gets better for anyone, it’ll be for you, MC” He reached for your hand out of instinct, but pulled back instantly when your skin touched, as if he just realized what he was doing. His eyes did the same, it looked like he just realized how vulnerable he was in that moment, and a sort of wall was raised behind his irises and his whole body tensed a bit.
He was scared of being rejected.
Your hand slowly reached out to his, which was floating in the space between you two, and when he didn’t pull back, you interlaced your fingers together.
A look of awe decorated both of your faces.
“Thank you…Saeran.” The light of the TV bounced off your wet eyes, making them look extra glossy.
The boy just looked at you, wide eyed, apprehensive for a moment, then nodded and tightened his grip on your hand. It wasn’t the same anger induced bear trap grip from when he grabbed them before. Now it was just firm, reassuring, like a hug.
“MC…things will get better for you. If not? I’ll make them.” He gave a subtle squeeze of the hand, giving you the nostalgic feeling of a pinky promise.
“You already did.” You let your head, heavy from spinning and sobbing all day, fall on his shoulder.
He just looked at you for a moment, before taking a deep breath a pulling you closer, his free hand rubbing your back gently.
A lot of you guys are always concerned about me because the more that I share, the more you realize I’m a real person with struggles and issues and I’m not 100% okay 100% of the time haha so I just wanna give an update and share some insight on how I’ve been doing and what I’ve been working on.
The hair cut is the visible part. The change is sooooo real. I look like a different person but I seriously FEEL like one. Surface changes: I live in Tennessee. I have short blonde hair. I’ve now dated two guys that I actually loved. I own a house and a car. Before, I lived in California, I had freaking long brown hair, I shared a mini van with four other people, I’d never been on a date and truly questioned whether I’d ever meet anyone that liked me for who I was, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life past like two years into the future and I felt like I would live with my parents forever. So a lot of big things have changed but honestly the biggest changes happened inside with less visible results. You can only see it in my smile and hear it in my words. But really you’ll see it in my actions over the next 12 months. It’s just the beginning.
I honestly don’t know where it came from. The last six years I have been so passive. My life has been happening to me. There have been some breakthrough moments where I learned a lot about myself and my confidence and self love, yes. I had some good times for sure. But as far as knowing what I want and where I wanna go, I was not good at that. I felt SO powerless and began to withdraw more and more, in my friendships, my career, our band, my family, everything. I shared so little each day, I had so few ideas, I didn’t create much, I only wrote when I was really upset or inspired (which wasn’t that often), I had no social life, no vision for myself, no confidence that anyone would ever love me and I just wasn’t living a rich life at all. I was an observer hoping that one day someone or something would come along and make my life actually enjoyable. I was constantly waiting. I journaled a lot and released a lot of emotion, that part was good. I just felt like I was living in a cave, stuck in the past, not doing much each day to actually experience life.
Then we moved across the country. *shock* *panic* *whoa*. That was the first time I was really shaken up.
Then I had my heart broken. Twice. I fell in love and both times it didn’t work out. I NEEDED that, to meet people who actually got me and appreciated my personality and loved all my quirks and my strange mind and how childlike I am. For the first time I felt understood. I wouldn’t change a thing. I was so closed off for so long and suddenly I was ripped open. Someone was asking for my time and attention and I had to give it to them. I was so scared but I really wanted to experience that side of life so I had to let those people see me and experience who I was. It was so good for me omg. I felt like my heart was shriveled and frozen before that, it had seen the sun maybe three times, but once that happened it absolutely bloomed. Not everyone has to fall in love to open their heart but for me that’s how it happened.
Anyway it was really intense and pushed me to the edge, dealing with that loss. I cut off all my hair. I just had enough. I was so drained. I had felt so vulnerable throughout my dating experiences, such a long period of trusting and hoping after so many years of doing the opposite, I guess I became a little over exposed. I pictured myself feeling tough and strong after a particularly intense weekend of fighting and I saw myself with no hair. It was kind of a crazy idea at first but it turned into a real desire. After a few days of thinking it over, I took the plunge.
What. A. Rush.
Suddenly I just wanted to feel alive. I went a little overboard but I did so many things. Concerts, road trips, bonfires, social plans nonstop, shopping, reinventing my style… I was really hurting during this time and I just wanted to feel better. I don’t regret doing so much but I’m glad I came down after a month and examined myself. I realized how much I was hurting and I faced it. I felt scared, hurt, abandoned, broken and vulnerable but it was comforting to identify that. Once you face it, you can feel it, release it and eventually let it go.
In October I realized I wanted more. I actually had dreams. Cutting my hair showed me I could have an idea, see it through and that it could actually go well! I wanted that on a bigger scale. I started writing again, all the time. I took an interest in my appearance again. Before, I just wanted people to think I’m pretty. Of course I still do but now it’s so much more than that. It actually is for me. When my outfit/makeup/overall look matches my mood, I feel so much more confident, comfortable with myself and ready to take on the day. Even in my work out clothes, I always try to coordinate them now and make them feel good because I know I just do more with my day when I feel confident and ready to put myself out there. You don’t need to look perfect AT ALL, in fact sometimes that can cause more stress because it puts more pressure on you. Just take the time to put yourself together and feel GOOD about what you’re wearing each day. It seriously makes a huge difference. And especially DO NOT wear anything that makes you feel bad. GET RID OF IT!!!! All your clothes should make you feel cute in some way.
Idk how this happened but I kind of just realized nothing is a big deal. The way I used to live, EVERYTHING was a HUGE deal. Texting a guy? Leaving the house? Spending 30 dollars? Calling someone first? All terrifying things I dreaded and avoided at all costs. I had to work through so much INTENSE anxiety when I first started dating, it was really sad how much that freaked me out and how much I had to work through just to get to a point where I felt comfortable going on one date or being the object of a man’s attention. I felt so incredibly unworthy.
Anyway, maybe it was the hair cut but sometime around then I just became really bold. Right now I feel like almost nothing scares me. My biggest fear is probably trusting people that have hurt me. That’s one thing I can think of that I’m struggling with and truly terrifies me, trying to rebuild broken relationships. I’m having help working through that. Other than that, there are so few things I won’t try, won’t pursue, won’t say to someone. I am becoming more bold, confident, comfortable in my own skin and sure of myself with each passing second. I just feel GOOD. Nothing is that big of a deal! Seriously force yourself to take more risks and you’ll quickly understand what I mean. You can spend weeks, months, even years fearing things and trying to predict what will happen but once you finally do them you’ll see just how unnecessary all that stress was. Nothing is that hard, that daunting, that permanent. Heck, even tattoos can be removed these days.
I think that was the biggest change of all so far: the removal of fear. Fear used to be the gas in my tank, it absolutely fueled me. Now it’s faith. I am so ON FIRE for my life!!!!!! I have so many exciting dreams I want to pursue, so much I want to create, so many places I want to go, things I want to experience, learn, master, people I want to meet and be around….. I love it all. I decide what I want and I go after it. I look at myself in the mirror and I smile. I’m starting to look as bold and unique as I feel. The long hair was beautiful and fun and maybe one day I’ll want it back but for now, it just feels too plain for how colorful and out of the box my mind is. I always used my mind a lot but I wasn’t exploring it much before. Now that I’m embracing my unconventional brain, I just want to express that openness and share it with the world.
Also I’ve noticed I’m getting disappointed comments from traditional, conformist men I never wanted to date anyway that used to love my hair 😂 so no offense but I was never interested in you anyway, there are soooooo many long haired women in the world you can comment on that you’ll probably never even meet but i’m just one less you need to worry about hahaha. All of the bold men that liked me before just like me more now. And I think it’s because I also like myself more! Confidence attracts confidence! I’m growing into the baller I was born to be and it’s just helping me attract more ballers 😂😂
BTW THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH HAVING LONG HAIR OR A MORE SIMPLE STYLE I FULLY SUPPORT IT. YOU DONT HAVE TO LOOK LIKE A CRAZY PERSON OR LIVE A WILD UNCONVENTIONAL LIFE TO BALL OUT ON EVERYONE THATS JUST HOW I CHOOSE TO DO IT HAHA. EVERYONE IS A BALLER IN THEIR OWN WAY I EMBRACE AVERAGE LOOKING PEOPLE AND WILD LOOKING PEOPLE, AS LONG AS YOURE LIVING A LIFE YOU LOVE AND CHOOSING WHAT TRULY FULFILLS YOU!!!!!!!!!!! WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE JUST LIVE IT BECAUSE YOU LOVE IT 🙌🏼
Anyway, I feel so much more confident in myself, men or no men. It’s funny cuz I finally stopped worrying about guys and now I actually interact with them the way I always wanted to hahaha.
I no longer rely on the approval of others to get through the day. I no longer feel paralyzed by fear every morning and night. I no longer ponder whether I’m worthy of a date or not. I no longer look in the mirror and sigh. I no longer think of the future as a blurry grey blob filled with hopelessness, uncertainty and fear. I know it will be whatever I make it and I am going to make it freaking phenomenal.
That’s a huge key, putting YOURSELF in the drivers seat. Forget this message of victimization. You are the person holding yourself down but YOU can be the one to lift yourself up!!!! Wow I just got a huge craving for meat loaf and mashed potatoes. HAHAHA. Anyway, put yourself in control. Ask God for guidance. Trust that you are taken care of always because YOU ARE. Embrace yourself. Stop thinking you have to be perfect. Stop thinking you’re unlovable. Realize how cool you are and how much you have going for yourself. Jump in and try things. Stop thinking you have to be “ready”. THE LESSONS OF FAILURE ARE FAR MORE VALUABLE THAN THE PRIZES OF SUCCESS!!!!!!!!!!!
On that note, go kill it. Embrace yourself. Blossom. Live. Come alive. You got this 👊🏼💗