hades helmet

anonymous asked:

For A Brief Summary: Ancient Greek Gods - could I get the background story to Hades, please? I've never been to happy with the Disney portrayal of him. :< Please, and thank you!

THE TRUTH ABOUT HADES

Oh nooo oh no, what have done whAT HAVE YOU DONE Anonymous? You’ve opened the fUCkInGG floodgates now! 
Hades. Is. My. Favourite. And you will now learn why.
So sit down y’all fuckers and learn why Hades deserves some love. This one is going to be VERY long. (Warning: This may be more of an (educational) rant than a story).

Where do I even begin? At the beginning, I suppose.
So Hades was technically the first-born son of Rhea and Kronos. However, because being fuckin thrown up by your dad counts as a second birth, this made him the last-born son by those rules. But did he fuckin care? Nope. They’d all had some pretty swell bonding time in daddy’s stomach, which obviously made them all less assholes than Zeus.
However, when they’d all had their regurgitation party they began plotting against their dear old dad. Zeus did an actually good thing and set the cyclopes free, and in repayment, the cyclopes made Zeus, Poseidon and Hades weapons - Zeus’ thunderbolts (the most powerful weapon), Poseidon’s trident and Hades’ Helmet of Darkness. Hades was actually noted for his prowess in battle - there are even stories that suggest he used his Invisiskills to creep into the Titans’ camp and destroy all their weapons. I can’t find the original sources for these, but if (if) it is true, Hades basically won the war for the Olympians. He also instigated the attack on Kronos by jumping his daddy-o while Invisible. Then, y’know, the bros pinned the Titan down, chopped off his nuts and sent him on his merry way to Tartarus.

Then came the realm divisions. A lot of fuckers say that Hades was tricked. Why? I don’t know. It’s bullllllshit. According to 5 Greek sources and 4 Roman sources (HERE) the gods simply draw lots and Hades was pretty fuckin happy with his lot. A couple note that his realm was equal in strength and importance to Zeus’ and we can assume then that Poseidon drew the short straw. There are times when it seems Poseidon thinks Poseidon drew the short straw. The Theibaid doesn’t seem to like Hades, but 1 vs 9, I think we have our conclusion. So Hades liked his realm, where he was completely alone, what with Morpheus and Hypnos and a fuckton of other Kthonic gods down there, not to mention his witch-friend Hekate, his m8s the Furies and other fun lil beasties. Very alone, so very alone. And he was really hard done by with his realm, oh yes. Where Poseidon got the seas, Hades got an entire world. Hence why it is called the Underworld. It had rivers and plains and kingdoms and levels and was run entirely by Hades. No Zeus-intervention. No-one else until Persephone came along, and we’ll get to her later. Hyperion once even threatened to go on Holiday there. But that’s another story.

ANYWAY,  the unfairness and complete loneliness Hades experienced in his realm really explains why he rose up against Zeus. Did he? Did he? Did he??? NO. That (and everybody be prepared to Learn here) was HERA, POSEIDON and APOLLO (namely). FUCK YOU CLASH OF THE TITANS FUCK YOU SO MUCH (Sorry. I hate everything that film stands for).

Why does Hades dislike heroes, you may ask? Because they are always lil fuckin bitches to him, that’s why. Theseus and Pirithous went to go and steal his wife. That isn’t a friendly thing to do! They go into the fuckin Underworld, they know the fuckin house rules - it’s for dead people, the upper world is for living people, that’s a no brainer. So Pirithous paid with his life and Theseus, with the help of Herakles (that fuck) went crying away back upstairs. WHICH BRINGS US TO FUCKIN HERAKLES. This bitch broke into the Underworld, beat up Hades’ dog, fuckin injured Hades when he tried to save his dog, and freed one of the assholes who tried to steal Hades’ wife. That hoe also shot him in the shoulder for helping the Pylians. I wouldn’t like it if that shit happened to me. Poor Hades. But that’s not the end of Hades’ hero woes. The motherfuckers just don’t give up! Amphiaraus fell through his freakin ceiling (check the story here), Orpheus came to get back his waifu (but Hades kinda liked him coz he was polite and played nice music) and Aeneas went for a little Roman propaganda wander too. But despite this he actually did help one or two heroes!! Perseus is the main name, where Hades lent him his helmet of darkness, without which, the hero would never have been able to slay Medusa. (SUCK THAT CLASH OF THE FUCKING CUNT TITANS SUCK HADES’ FUCKIN DICK). Ahem.
This explains why Hades was a bit grumps with heroes, but he wasn’t the only god who got mad at them. Poseidon chased Odysseus halfway across the known world to get back at him, Hera fucked up a lot of heroes (Hera was the villain in Herakles’ story, NOT Hades!! Fuck you Disney, ya fuckin liars.) and Apollo outright killed Achilles and Patroklus. Why pick on Hades? Here are some reasons basic modern bitches might.

He is the Devil. NO. NO. Lemme just. No. His realm contains Paradise (or Heaven), Super-Paradise (the Blessed Isles), the Fields of Asphodel (Purgatory), Reincarnation via the Lethe, and of course the Fields of Punishment (Greek Hell) or Tartarus (Greek Super Hell). Which means he supplies for pretty much every single religious requirement. Super awesome, super-efficient and super well-run. NOT DEVIL.

Underworld God prejudice. Yup. And he’s not the only one. Shout out to Anubis, who also gets hated on when we should all be running away from Seth. The Romans didn’t help with Hades either, as they were so afraid of him (and death), they made up a bunch of nicknames. Philosophers liked him though.

We also have Hades and Persephone to look at. It is very true that Hades did kidnap Persephone against her will, however it was all part of Greek culture. In Ancient Greece, it was considered romantic to kidnap the woman you loved, in fact in some places you couldn’t marry her if you didn’t kidnap her (probably Sparta). Unlike Zeus, who would just take what he wanted and not really care about what happened, Hades seemed to care. Unlike Hera, Persephone was seen as an equal rather than a subordinate in ruling and the pair seemed to get on rather well after their sudden start. Hades often listened to Persephone’s council (with Orpheus etc) and let her run parts of his kingdom - the souls of women and children were sacred to Persephone (Odyssey, Bk 11). So compared to pretty much all of the other male gods, ESPECIALLY his brothers, he was much better toward the ladies. Persephone was known to get viciously jealous of any other women (2 in total, compared to Zeus circa a few thousand) who were Hades’ lovers (short story; she killed them), so we might interpret that as love. But who knows what the gods were really up to? Although, out of all godly marriages, Hades and Persephone’s was the most faithful (Hades cheated twice, Persephone cheated once - hey, they were Greeks) and the most equal.

In conclusion to this fuckin rant essay, Hades was a god who minded his own business, got fucked off when heroes were prats in his domain, was an incredibly faithful husband by Greek standards and ran an entire world himself. He was not a fuckin loner, a jealous, tricked mutineer, nor did he ever go out of his way to fuck shit up. He did have a temper, but so did most of the gods and goddesses, and he usually got angry for very reasonable things. He was never portrayed by the Greeks as ugly or demonic (check him out here).  People (HOLLYWOOD I’M LOOKIN AT U) are shit for picking on him and he deserves better. More Hades stuff here, however, be careful. A lot of sources diverge on Hades, so don’t take everything at face value. With most of my little stories, I kinda either generalize or pick the most supported facts. But hey, this knowledge is over 5000 years old! I think that’s worth more attention and truthful portrayal than fcking modern Americanized shit gives it.

Thanks for the question! These fuckin things are getting longer and longer, but I swear this is the longest I’ll do. Hope you made it through, and until next time, Anonymous bro! (also you guys don’t have to be anonymous - I won’t eat you unless you diss Hades in front of me c: )

SO THAT IS THE TRUTH ABOUT HADES

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