this video makes me cry sooooo hard oh my god i just had to put it on my blog so i cant watch it every day ok

Okay I can finally start posting again.
I can’t answer every ask. I have 400+ messages, all love. 
I can’t even explain how I feel right now. 
Half of me is freaking out because I am very scared for the people who are in the hospital as we speak. I am very scared for the blogs being hacked and I am very triggered by all of the posts, but. I wanted to thank you all and blog as normal and support posts.
Okay so a year ago I had a blog that wasn’t a supernatural blog, it was a depression blog. I got hate regularly made several failed attemped overdoses and it got to the point where my bf had to put my blog on his phone so that he could check my account for hate mail. A year ago, in sept I was rat hacked, he told me I was a fat cunt, to kill myself etc he watched me though my laptop for a month, so, yes, it hurt he knew my insecurities from watching me.  I had NO one. I have been struggling with suicide, self harm and depression for coming on 9 years now. I have been to the hospital for attempts, i have gone to therapy but NOTHING helped. I was numb, i wasn’t happy. I was cutting on a regular basis.My school found out and the school therapist told me I was disgusting, i can’t be a cosmetologist and MADE me strip down for the school nurse.  I was told by my best friend to kill myself. My mom, my sister, my dad, and anons on tumblr. September 2013 i set the date. I gathered so many pills. i wrote my letters. I was going to end it all, and make sure this time I didn’t fail. Just this month when I was cleaning my room i found them and i threw them away. I didn’t even bother reading.
I also did this (X) I threw away my blades. 
I have been making videos like this (X) to scare people out of self-harm (trigger warning shows healed scars) I have scars like that all over my arms upper, lower, front and back and i would have continued if it wasn’t for you all.
A year ago, September 2013 changed my life with one simple question, should I start watching Supernatural?
People attacked saying “YES YES YES”
So I did, I watched 8 seasons and the first 4 EP of season 9 in two months. That show got me through so much.October was my 1 year anniversary after my miscarriage, it was also the month my bf of 6(now 7) told me he was no longer in love with me because I am suicidal and didn’t know if he could be with me anymore. That was the hardest month of my life. But I pulled through, why? Because of this show. 
This show became my safehaven. When i felt triggered I would watch the show, cons, fan crack! and Humor! videos I would read fanfics, focus on all of that and I still do. When I am depressed or feel like cutting I pretend to talk to Dean. He saved my life and was my inspiration for this DeanXReader that has helped so many people (X) I think about how I can’t do that because I HAVE to meet Jensen and Misha and thank them for saving my life and hug them. i HAVE to tell them they don’t play heros, they are heros (I do love Jared, and he did help me alot but not like those two have). 
April 2014 I got over 1,000 followers in one day because of a silly post I made. After that they kept coming, so did horrible anons but I didn’t care. Because I had so many wonderful anons.  I lost that blog 2 months ago and after making this one I got my first anon hate, which I framed.

but that wasn’t the last, I only screen shot two because I thought my reply was clever, this was last week, or beginning of this 

but I also got love, such as this one, which knowing things like this is a BIG reason why I am still here today (old blog)  I try so hard to be here for everyone who needs me. I was a wreck all day and night yesterday I couldnt even have fun with my fam on my bday. I was a wreck today and night also but i continued trying to help people. I don’t care about myself. I could care less what happens to me. But I do care about others and I put their health over mine. I pretend I am okay and to be strong so i don’t trigger or scare anyone. I help people when I am panicking and bawling my eyes out and they have NO idea. I try my best to help people and put them first. I did not deserve all this love but i do appreciate it, you saved me

The good outweighs the bad

Hear I am a year later, I never thought a show, or a fanbase would ever be the reason I am still here today. I made two wonderful friends fictionalanxiety and kinkycas who i love more than anything in this world. They have been here for me though a lot and I want to meet them so freaking badly. I have made many more friends.  I knew Supernatural Fandom treated everyone like family, but I never knew how true this was until yesterday. After coming home from being with family on my birthday I saw 205 asks. I had JUST came on for the night and I hit post limit (250) at 2 am. Which shows how many more I was getting as I was trying to reply and how many where already in my inbox that i hadn’t answered. 
I woke up this morning to this 

and they have kept coming through out the day.

If it wasn’t for all of you, and kinkycas I would NOT be here right now. I wouldn’t have thrown away the painkillers, i wouldn’t have made myself throw back up the benadryll I was going to try and OD on and I would have kept cutting. ANd if you read this Riley please don’t be upset, I know you wanted me to come to you if I was going to do anything but I am a stubborn asshole and I can’t ask people for help because of all the times I have and was ignored. Or all the times people got mad at me for it.  Please don’t worry about me, even if I am unstable I won’t do anything.

All of you, yes YOU saved my life. and you have been saving my life since october 2013. Thank you. Thank you for everything. 
Like Sam Winchester said in After School Special to the ghost who commit suicide “You suffer through that, but it gets better i just wish you had the chance to see that.”

And like Dean said to suicidal Bobby, “You don’t stop being a solider cause you got wounded in battle.” We were all wounded in battle yesterday and today and it will probably continue tomorrow but we are soldiers and we will make it.

Each one of our boys have been suicidal before, and they pushed through it. That alone keeps me alive. 
Jensen, Misha and Jared keep me alive. Jensen and Misha are the reasons I am trying to recover from self harm. You are too! ALl those asks telling me i inspire people to stop is why!
YOU, MISHA and JENSEN are the reason I was able to get the self harm ribbon tattoo with my mom in Oct 2014 Although i did relapse because of all of ths but i would have kept going. AND i didn’t for you.

You are strangers to me and you sent me so much love I can’t even wrap my head around it. I am following everyone who did and i have followed everyone back. Thank you for helping me through this. Thank you for being the reason I am still here. I can’t leave you all. I cant. I hope to go to a con soon and I’ll let you know what one and hopefully I can meet a ton of you.
I love you, stay strong! PLEASE don’t give in. If I could do it, you can too!

I am not posting images of what I got today but they went as far as attacing my help blog. They are very triggering so I’d rather not.

polypalstoad  asked:

ty for providing such great words and comfort! i was offline and was looking forward to reblogging some good content, but after seeing what happened, idk anymore. i'm several days late so i'm going to reblog some old stuff, look back and the fun the community had and then put my chipboys side-blog to rest. not deleted, but on private so that in the future i can look back on this summer rollercoaster, a total whiplash of the last few months. i'll be sure to check out ur future polypal works. :)

Yeah, it’s been something of a sucker punch. Everything happened so quickly it’s a lot to digest. I’m not sure if walking into the party late is better or worse, but I feel for you either way. I agree, although I know some feel uncomfortable and deleted their blogs or their content, I won’t be deleting mine or any of the things I’ve reblogged. It was a really great time while it lasted and some day I want to be able to go back and look through my and others content. One person being a creepo isn’t going to ruin that for me! 

Also thanks for letting me know you’ll be on the look out for my work! I need some motivation these days, as I know Polypolygon will never be the same as s*ipboys! But that’s okay. I’m looking forward to this new journey and I can’t wait to hang out with everyone on the other side.