had-to-ok

Sometimes I hear myself say shit my abuser said and it makes me so scared
I dont wanna turn into him, i dont want to be that horrible towards people i care about??

It has me questioning and backtracking stuff, trying to make sure what i’m saying isnt thinly veiled manipulation. Trying to make sure i dont back anyone against a wall with my words or force them to say shit they dont mean

But also finding that balance between being honest about how i feel because i shouldnt have to hide what im feeling to spare someone else the knowledge that I feel uncomfortable or bad because of them.

I don’t want my personal relationships to mirror anything like the one i had and if something starts to feel reminiscent of that then something is surely wrong.

Abuse really, really fucks you up

oh man oh man oh man

@malcolm6 here’s a thing for you

Bonus:

Unofficial missing scene of Ep. 9

Sorry, not sorry. :’D
This happens between the crushing KanaMari hug and the recruitment of Dia.

(Explanation: You can’t tell me they won’t need this talk. Not after all these feels. This needs to be adressed. :’) )


The both of them had calmed down a while ago. Yet, they were still clinging to each other as if their life depended on it. If Kanan and Mari were both honest, they did. Somehow. They had sat down, Kanan’s back leaning against the shelves opposite to the door and Mari in her lap, face buried in the other girl’s shoulder.

Thousands of thoughts were running through Kanan’s mind. All of them connected to Mari or them, including Dia. She had meant well. When she hadn’t sung in Tokyo, what would become somewhat like a trap to their relationship and yet a key to it as well. All the times she had denied the blonde, two years ago or now. Everything she had done had never been done with an ill intent.

And yet, one memory in particular lingered in her mind. Had been for a couple of days, if she would be honest. When she had called Mari down to the docks, flashlight in hand like it used to be, just to turn her down.

“Mari?” She half expected the blonde to be asleep, seeing that she didn’t move. But she was wrong, as she felt Mari shifting in her arms slightly and tugging her head right under Kanan’s chin.

“Hm?”

“I am sorry.”, she began. “For making you feel abandoned. For the docks… when I just… left.”

It had hurt. When Kanan, the one person who had always looked after her and who she would always look after, had walked right past her, not turning back. Mari had locked herself up in her room the whole night. She had cried, couldn’t even remember when she had fallen asleep.

But now this seemed like a distant memory, at least to Mari. “Don’t sweat it. It’s all alright now, isn’t it?”

Kanan tightened her hold a little. “I suppose it is.”

They fell back into a comfortable silence, each of them cherishing the moment they had waited for for two long years.

“Kanan?”

“What is it, Mari?”

“We should probably learn to communicate a little better. Else something like this will happen again. And I don’t think Dia can handle as this drama a second time.” The blonde started to chuckle but was interrupted when she had to sneeze.

“I have a better idea.” Kanan loosened her hold around Mari under small protest. When Mari looked up, pouting, she felt another forehead touching hers. Seeing the bluch creeping on her features, Kanan giggled. “Let’s get you dried up first.”

Mari nodded, but neither of them moved.

“Dia? Thank you.” The blonde said, lazily falling into Kanan’s frame to get carried away later.

Dia, on the other hand, pushed herself away from the wall beside the door, walking towards the student council office with a serene smile and a single tear rolling down her cheeks.

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ok guys i know dona was the meme and it was about donuts but LOOK AT THIS MASTERPIECE

this>lane moje sorry i dont make the rules