had me laughing !

So I was telling my mom this story about a car and she looks at me and goes “so says the girl that at five years old was walking to ballet in her black leotard and pink tutu stopped at the sound of Harley two blocks away and waited until it drove past and went coooooool. In a deep dragged out voice” I died laughing and told my friend this story over the phone to hear “so you even oozed gay even at 5”

storytime with jade: and it’s a funny one i promise! so today my mother and i went round to a friend’s for a catch up before my workout class. this friend (jus) is a media teacher and my mum’s best friend and i’ve babysat her kids since they were little so they know me and my kpop trash life well. anyway jus turned around and said that one of her students wrote their essay on kpop and asked if i had heard of the band ‘7up’ (which i’m pretty sure is a drink). so she pulls up this kid’s work because she’s convinced i look a lot like one of guy’s in the group.

i mean i tried not to take offence to her thinking i resembled a man, to which she quickly backtracked and said that i don’t look like a man, they look very feminine. anyway the group is got7 and apparently jackson and i could be twins ??? like seriously, i think jus needs to get her eyes checked

i also told her to fail her student because exo are better

More “wtf are humans, please leave the rest of us be” stuff:

Human reactions to fear!

No, I’m not talking about screaming or freezing in one spot and pissing yourself. I’m talking about the weirder, more specific-to-only-humans fear reactions.

Like singing.

Idk how many of you have watched people play horror video games, but a surprising amount of people start narrating what’s going on in a sing-song voice.

Imagine being an alien, walking in a horrific, dark tunnel with these weird gangly creatures, you’re all scared out of your wits and then one of them starts fucking singing.

In a dark cave. While everyone’s terrified.

“ ♫ ~We are all gonna fucking die, this is terrible and I wanna go hooooome~ ♬ ”

2

she had the world || panic! at the disco

Clean Me, Daddy | 30.03.17
  • Phil: "Why aren't you cleaning us?" said Candice. Oh...
  • Dan: Excuse me?
  • Phil: Last time I did a live show, I accidentally ordered 300 cleaning wipes.
  • Dan: I know. I've seen them.
  • Phil: So, you can have the honour of cleaning them.
  • Dan: Excuse me?
  • Phil: The webcam. It's a bit grubby, so you know give them a clean. Give them a wipe. Someone just said "clean me, daddy".
  • Dan holds the cleaning wipe with regret. Phil burst out laughing and Dan starts speaking in a high pitched voice.
  • Dan: Yeah, I read that too. What is this?
  • Phil: It wasn't this weird when I did it!
  • Dan: There's a section of your live show where...
  • Phil: No, it's not a section!
  • Dan: ... you clean them?
  • Phil: No, I'm just saying we're slightly blurry and they'd like to see us in 1080pHD quality.
  • Dan: No, you planned this. It's a section where you clean the audience. Now everyone is saying "clean me".
  • Phil: They liked it. Just do it! I'll make the sound effect.
  • Dan: There's dozen of tens of thousands of people saying "clean me" right now.
  • Phil: Dan, clean them. Clean them!
  • Dan: Jesus Christ.
  • Phil: Do it! It's what you signed up to do.
  • Dan suppressing a regretful chuckle, Phil grinning so damn wide.
  • Dan: Oh my God, stop! The chat! Frick. Even the YouTube comments are going to be ruined. Oh, whatever you fricking..
  • Dan wipes the webcam while Phil makes the sound effect.
  • Phil: That's the noise of the cleaning wipe. Look how clear we are now though. My pores are here.
  • Dan: And yet, I feel dirty.

anonymous asked:

hi i love your writing so much and was wondering if you had any fic recs to hold me over until your next update 😭

THERES WAY TOO MANY GIRL WAYYYYY TOO MANY??? IDK HOW TO EVEN ANSWER THIS WHAT ARE YOU EVEN ASKING FOR

I’m just gonna throw out whatever comes to mind ok and its probably mostly all smut cuz I’m a perv sorry (wow this ended up being way longer than i intended IM SORRY)


@jiminniemouse is the queen of threesomes so take a look into her profile but some of my favorites is:

Crave (Yoongi smut), Taste (Hobi smut), Making Him Jealous (ima call it a jikook threesome let me live), and her ongoing series Purple Jewels!

Masterlist

@jungblue ok anything from this girl is gold G O L D i love all of her fics but if I have to choose then

Future Hearts (Jimin/Jungkook love triangle), I Hate You I Love You (Jungkook smut/angst), and Control (Jimin smut omg i am still having chest pains thinking about this one)

Masterlist

@seokvie This girl has got a whole fucking load of fics it’s like finding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow smutland wonderland your vag will cry in joy and pain

Costume (Hobi smut MY ALL TIME FAVORITE FIC I L O V E IT), View From 4-B (Hobi smut), basically all her Hobi smuts, Show Off (Wonho smut), Paradise (JB smut), JUST BINGE READ ALL OF THEM (i am also excited to read her new fic with jimin and assplay and lets just say my ass is ready but I DONT HAVE A KINK FOR ASSPLAY OK LET ME LIVE)

Masterlist

@jungkxook yes yes yes everything all of it just do it

Pour Up (taekook threesome), Hiraeth (zombie apocolypse au)

Masterlist

@war-of-hormoan‘s For You (Tae angst) killed me about 40 times

Masterlist

@kimvtae‘s Fall For You (Jungkook smut) series and Couples Costumes (Hobi smut)

Masterlist

@minsvga‘s Philophobia (Jungkook/Jimin smut/angst) series, Taking Risks 101  (Jimin smut), Children of the Night (Jungkook/Tae smut) series

Masterlist

@yoonminnings‘s Lace Casualties (Jimin sugar daddy)

Masterlist

@trapmonster‘s He Didn’t (Yoongi smut/angst), Bite me (Jungkook smut), Silent Treatment (Jungkook), Nerd (Tae), Toxic (maknae line)

Masterlist

@btssmutgalore oh my god all of her fics ALL OF HER DAMN FICS LETS JUST SAY SHE SERIOUSLY OWES ME A NEW PELVIS OK FUCK but my favorites so far are

Nude (Tae), Lightweight (Jungkook), Business (A FUCKING TWO PART TAEKOOK THREESOME GOD), Lollipop (Jungkook), Forbidden (Hobi)

Masterlist

@ellieljade‘s Apologies (Tae smut/angst) is one of my favorites and honestly just read all of her masterlist as well i cry (out of everywhere)

Masterlist

@kookingtae‘s Experimental Error (Tae smut I fucking died), The Switch (OT7 Smut holy hell this was one of the first bts smuts ive read and wow now you see why I really love them), Falling Into You (Jungkook smut GOD I LOVED THIS SO HARD) + the rest of her masterlist

Masterlist

@floralseokjin oh my goodness ok i cant believe i havent discovered you sooner I fucking love your writing pls

Buzz trilogy (Yoongi smut & O       M       G), Playing with Fire (Jungkook smut) i havent read anything else yet BUT I JS SAW SHE POSTED A NEW FIC YOU KNOW WHAT IM READIN TONIGHT

Masterlist

@onlylovekpop basically all her Wonho smuts and drabbles killed me k i l l e d me but my fav is Bad Behavior

Masterlist

Other people you should def look into is @kittae (cat fics yes) @seoulscapes (an amazing demon wonho au) @helloblamebts @seokline @kstopping @imaginethisbts @kainks @jeonins @baeseoul (p r o t e  g e)

Im so sorry I’m still sick and I’m getting tired and lazy so I just had to bunch up the rest HAHAHA but I hope this helps anon! And you will def not be disappointed in any of these ok they are amazing and beautiful and amazing and everytime I read their stories literally

Based on @paperficwriter‘s Genos headcanon(s)!

I watch the bizaardvark episode with @thatsthat24 ​ in it. This was by far my favorite part.

Thomas sanders is one of my favorite person’s ever and I’m so happy for him.