step one: allow yourself some semblance of a smile. your grief is not an iron cage and you are not trapped. you are allowed to mourn your own innocence, even if you barely remember how it felt.
step two: hold his hand. you want to, even if you won’t admit it outloud. you want to take him and keep him so close to your chest that the world never has another chance to lash out, but if it did you’d be stood like a shield, like a guardian angel even the devil would avoid. it’s okay. it’s okay. hold his hand.
step three: you don’t have to say the words for them to be true; at this point the “i love you"s are as natural as breathing, noiseless and soft. when you look at the stars you see the same light you find in his eyes everyday.
step four: give yourself a chance to heal. it might take a while. it might take years. your past is a minefield no one taught you to navigate before now, but you are strong and you are loved and that’s enough (it has to be enough).
step five: you gave him a key, a home, a reason to wake up with a smile and he gave you a reason to look forward to what was once a grey-scale future, now bathed in a shade of blue even the ocean would envy.
So of course we had to throw some angst in
there. Here’s Kaidan mourning Shepard
after the Normandy SR-1 is destroyed. I
actually wrote a song at one point (because I’m a nerd like that) about the
concept here, where Kaidan is basically drinking his sorrows away because he
knows that, no matter how much he misses Shepard, they’re never coming back.
Also I do have Day 3 written and I’ll post it in a little bit.
He still remembered the fire. The explosions. The screams and the blood, the bodies of
their friends lost among the wreckage and floating freely in the nothingness of
It had been a year, and Kaidan still
remembered them like it was yesterday.
The shape of their face, the tone of their voice, the warmth of their
But they were gone now. Lost to the stars.
He pulled out the hologram he kept of the two
of them, a selfie taken in a quiet moment after they’d stopped Saren and
Sovereign. They both looked so happy
there, at peace and in love.
The fuzzy outlines of the hologram didn’t do
Reyne any justice. They were an awe
inspiring figure and commanded respect from all who met them. Kaidan never expected to fall in love with
them, and he certainly didn’t expect that someone like Shepard could ever love
He reached out toward the edges of the image
as if he’d be able to touch Reyne again, feel them one last time. He’d give anything to do so, or to hear them
say his name, or see the constellations inside their eyes.
But they were dead. And they weren’t coming back.
He clicked off the hologram and put it back
in his pocket.
“You want another one?” The bartender asked once he noticed Kaidan’s
attention was no longer on the picture.
“You look like you could use it.”
He nodded, and the bartender slid him another
whiskey, which he downed in a single gulp.
“Why don’t you just leave the bottle?” Kaidan asked.
“I think I’ll be here a while…”