Hope (Part 3)
Ever since my first breakdown we’ve been Living in the hospital. and that fucking sucks.
But what sucks, even more, is that it’s already been approximately a month since I last saw my lovely home and I miss it a lot. it’s already the second cycle and I am
not doing great! same old same old, just another 3 weeks of fainting randomly, being extremely sick, throwing up everything and everywhere and last but not least having people to take care of me every time, which is not fun at all.
and Even though I miss my apartment more than ever, and it’s been approximately two weeks since i last saw the sun (Wish is pretty depressing) today is a happy day, after so many time of not seeing such a familiar face, Liz (Luke’s mother) is coming to visit for a couple of weeks and i couldn’t be more excited about it, Luke on the other side was pretty stressed and it was a bit hard to hold on to.
“What are you saying?” i ask removing the phone from my ear after Luke groaned something that i could barely understand.
“The flight is fucking delayed” he says louder and roll his eyes, sitting at the edge of the hospital bed “Why? why does it have to happen today?’
“Calm down” i chuckle, pulling the phone over my ear again.
for the 20th time of the day i’ve trying to call my nana, better known as the woman who took care of me since i was a little baby on that foster home in Sydney, she is basically like my mother and i couldn’t miss her any more than i am now, ever since i got sick i’ve trying to communicate with her as much as possible but sometime she was too busy or it was too late to call, and now that it was the perfect timing, something was messing up with the lines.
“Nana is not picking up the phone” i pout looking at my frustrated boyfriend.
“Babe, is like 10 pm in Sydney she must be sleeping by now” he groans rubbing on his face “My fucking mom is going on that plane at like 4 am, and gets here at like 10pm the next day i really don’t know how i am going to pick her up at the airport” he continues with his problem.
“let her take a taxi” i shrug putting the phone aside and trying to call again.
“no” he says almost immediately “if i could just escape for 40 minutes of studio hours i would do it, but those motherfuckers always-”
“Luke” i stop him stretching my leg a little and giving a little push, honestly calm down a bit, geez”
he groans and leans on his place, landing his head on my lap so now my fingers were snaking around his scalp. “My mind is rushing” he mumbles, I can almost feel his tension going away just a little bit when my hand brushes his hair. “i need a drink and i need to quit my job and i need to get my mom at the airport”
“You stress too much” i say softly “and you are overreacting, you don’t need to quit your job, dummy, you are just stressed because now studio hours are kinda late”
“Yeah” he says like it’s pretty obvious “it is so annoying having to go work and then! i’ll have to go to the airport in the freaking night!” he says sounding a bit mad “do you know how much i hate leaving you here alone for so many hours?”
“i am literally on the safest place i can be” i chuckle softly, taking my phone up to my ear, dialing Nana once again.
“Last time i left to alone for over 5 or 6 hours, you had a breakdown” he says trying to prove his point.
“It wasn’t your fault! it is the stupid cancer fault, plus, when that happened in the middle of a chemo session, i am better now, really”
he looks up at me, not really believing what i am saying as usual and then looking back down “Sure” he says and sits on the bed again. “maybe i should pay a driver to pick my mom off”
i nod and keep caressing my boyfriend’s hair while he struggled with the complications of his life. a dash of pain rush over my forehead, and i groan, taking my hands off my boyfriend’s head and reaching for the emergency button.
“Can i have something for the pain?” i say when the nurse at the other side of the line picked up.
“Sure hun” she says “What hurts?” the old lady asks.
“Just a headache” i say and release the button from my hold, to then turn to my overly concerned boyfriend, that as usual, he turned over protective with this things.
“Are you in pain?” he asks reaching for my hand and lacing our fingers together.
“Just a bit, i’ll be fine” i smile softly and squeeze his hand “is just that thing” i point to the bag of the treatment that i get every day “it always gets me like this”
“Are you sure?” he asks softly
“Yes” i whisper and lean to kiss his forehead “I’m kinda hungry”
that comment makes him smile, listening to me saying i was hungry was like music to his ears. Since Chemo started i haven’t been eating much, all of those random waves of nausea and weakness wore me off, I didn’t felt like eating, so i just left it even though Luke would insist for the longest time to make me eat something, i lost weight, but slowly I’ve been getting it back, which was somehow good.
“Is Michael coming?” i ask happily, again running my fingers on his hair.
“Em.. not really, i think he said something about not feeling too well, he’s coming to practice, but anyways ..” he says skipping the unnecessary information and going to the point “Calum is picking me up though, why?”
“i want Mcdonald’s” i innocently smile “or better, In and out, can you please tell him-”
“No” he scoffs at me and roll his eyes “it’s not any healthy to eat in and out”
“Pleaseeeee” i while, softly pulling his blonde hair as an instance “Just once, i hate hospital food” i sigh “look at the good side, think about all of the calories and how much weight i could gain from that” i smile
“like, what, half a pound?” he laughs “No”
i pout and take his face on my hands, squishing his cheeks and massaging his face on my hands “i won’t stop doing this until you say yes” i say, i know how much he hates it, i know him so well, and i know that if i keep doing it he’s going to be mad, but it’s the best way i could fine for him to say yes “Please bubba”
he groans and grabs both of my hands pushing them to my sides “Okay fine” he says hardly acceding “i’ll call him” he says pulling his phone out “But just because you are finally willing to eat something”
“Yay!” i celebrate letting him go from my hold and throwing my body back and laying on the bed “i’m excited now”
he chuckles “of course you are” he mumbles squishing one of my thighs with his free hand while putting the phone over his ear “you deserve it though, you had a lot of tests today, i didn’t ask, how do you feel?”
i shrug “i am alright,” i say with a small smile “it was nothing more than a blood test and a scan, just a check” i say like it’s nothing “i’ll be fine”
he smiles sitting up on the bed and leaning down to kiss my cheek “hopefully” he mumbles “What do you want for dinner then?” he asks me, taking his phone off his ear. “Calum is not picking up, i’ll just text him”
i smile and mumble what i want, it was nothing different from what i’ve order a hundred times before when we used to go to in n out on the weekends as a little tradition of us. He was typing quickly while moving on the bed closer to me and laying completely by my side. he looked tired, he felt tired, i knew he was more than tired of all the drama and stress in his life. he needs a break.
“Have i mentioned to you how much i love you” i mumble close to his ear and kiss his cheek. “Because i love you so fucking much”
he turns around and gives me a weird look before smiling and pecking my lips softly “that was random” he chuckles and pecks my lips again “but i guess that i love you too”
i gasp at his response and push him lightly, almost acting like i was offended “you guess?” i say and he laughs. “say it properly, you sucker, i’m expressing my feelings here”
he laughs and sneaks his arm around my shoulder pulling me closer to him and kissing my forehead “C’mon babe” he chuckles looking down at me “you know i love you”
i smile and look up at his piercing blue eyes “How much?”
he shooks his head, and shrugs “I can’t even count how much, i just love you to the fucking moon and back”
It’s been approximately 6 months since i last saw my mother face to face when me and (Y/n) went on a little holiday to Australia, and it was such a relief to finally see her. i still remember the last time i had a proper conversation with her face to face and through a screen. it was the day i told her (Y/n) had cancer. i cried. she cried.bits and pieces from that day still fly through my mind, i know how much she likes (Y/n), and it’s heartbreaking that after so many time she gets to see her in this state, i am not looking forward to this moment to come, at all.
However, here i am, 6 pm, just escaped from Studio hours even though I technically can’t do that and all ready to see mom come out of those doors, and then get back to work so i can finish this as soon as possible.
When i see her short body coming through the door, carrying her luggage with that tired look I’ve seen many times in the past, i smile, i can’t believe my mother is actually here, i missed her like crazy.
“Oh my goodness!” she exclaims when she sees me through the crowded hallway of the airport. “My baby!” she laughs and I pull her into a warm welcoming hug. “i missed you so much”
“i missed you too mom” i say closing my eyes feeling her embrace “So so so much”
she separates from my hug and puts both of her hands on my cheeks, making me stare directly at her. “How are you?” she asks me with a sweet voice “You look tired love” she comments and caresses my cheek.
i smile “I’m doing okay” i whisper and shrug.
doesn’t look sure of it “Are you sure honey?” she says softly.
she looks at me with those eyes, when she knows something is wrong with me but wants me to say it out loud but like most of the times, i am way too stubborn to admit it
“I am not sure mom” and with that, she does not ask more questions, gives me one last hug and a kiss on the cheek, and we are ready to head out of the airport.
on the way out mom makes more than clear to me that she would rather go to the hospital to see (Y/n) before stopping at the apartment to leave her stuff and have a bit of a rest after such a long trip. For my luck, the hospital is not very far from LAX and we get there very soon, after no more than 15 minutes I park in my usual spot in the hospital parking lot and get ready to get in.
“So, she’s been a bit better” I explain while taking out the sunglasses from my face “She is not currently in chemo so that’s good, the doctors made a couple of tests after the cycle to make sure everything was in place and she is responding well to the treatment”
“Has she been too weak?” she asks already getting out of the car, almost eager to see her.
“no, not this last days” i say “yesterday she was in a bit of pain, i guess it was just the medicine, but she ate pretty well, we brought her a burger and fries, she was more than happy to eat it, which is good”
Already when walking through the hospital hallway on our way to (Y/n)’s room some of the nurses wave their hands at me when they pass along my way and i give a little smile to them. we’ve been here for almost a month since’s her first breakdown and it was almost impossible for the entire nurse section to not know who was i, especially when (Y/n) was such a great social person who made sure to be friends with every single nurse and doctor that came to see her on the oncology section. at least it was good she was having social contact with other people that was just me or the boys.
Again, we get to our destiny pretty quickly, and in the blink of an eye we are in front of her door, i open it and let my mother go first, almost inmidiatly obtaining a reaction rom her and my girlfriend.
“Liz!” she yells and gives little jumps of excitement while sitting on the bed.
she wasn’t wearing any of her usual set of beanies that are stored in her cabinet, so her bald head was completely exposed. she seemed more than happy to see my mother and i could notice that if it wasn’t for the IV stuck in her right arm she would have jumped from that bed and give my mother a very tight and welcoming hug that she has been expecting to give her from the past two weeks.
my moms face is something that I can’t read, she is shocked of (Y/n)’s look, I know, she looks different, very different, is like she is now a totally different person. I spot my mom cleaning a little tear from her eye while hugging (Y/n), and I almost can feel all the emotion that is going on in the room.
“I missed you” (Y/n) says with a smile “Oh my god, I am so happy you are here, I have so many things to tell you”
my mother nods and gives her a kiss on the cheek “i am glad to see you” she mumbles, with a voice that is not her normal voice. “you look so… Different”
she nods “I know” her sweet voice says, and then her look turns to me “hey, aren’t you supposed to be at work bubba?” she says to me
“uh- yeah” i nod and walk up to the bed giving (Y/n) a kiss on the cheek “Mom really wanted to see you, would you mind staying here for just a couple of hours? I’ll pick you up after I’m done with studio hours and you can rest” I tell my mother with a little apologetic smile.
“it’s okay love, we have a lot to catch up” she smiles and sits beside my girlfriend.
Walking away from the room, after excusing myself for leaving so soon, i make my way outside so i can head back to the studio to finally finish all of this, and finally, have my day finished. but when i almost reach the end of the aisle, i feel someone touch my shoulder, and i turn around, it’s Holly one of the nurses in charge of (Y/n), and also her personal favorite one.
“The doctor wants to see you at his office” she simply says, and with just those simple words i tense.
i wish i wasn’t called to his office, i really didn’t, i felt like i was a little kid in school and i did something wrong, with the difference that i was not at school and this is not my case who we are talking about. whoever, again, i really wished this was not happening and if i could make that moment disappeared i would do it in a heartbeat, and not only this moment, the entire cancer situation.
those words are for sure going to stay in my mind for a long time, as long as i got there, the doctor did not waste any time updating me on what was happening. Number one, she is not longer responding to chemo and they are giving her one more cycle before testing her for radiation. number two, she caught a cold which in her state could be very delicate, and last and definetly not least, the doctor has no hope she will make it. and i really wished he didn’t said that because now i was one step closer to my fear of losing her.
this can not be happening
this CAN NOT be happening