The instruments as "history of Japan" quotes
  • flute:"...and Japan says, 'can you MAYBE chill'"
  • piccolo:"and Russia says, 'how bout maybe YOU chill'"
  • oboe:"...and using the latest technology. like stones, and bowls"
  • English horn:"knock knock, it's Europe"
  • clarinet:"'♪ no don't do that if you're in the League of Nations you're not supposed to try to take over the world ♪'"
  • bass clarinet:"and Japan said, '♫♪ how bout I do, anyway ♪♫'"
  • saxophone:"open the county. stop having it be closed"
  • French horn:"so the Mongols came over, ready for war, and died in a tornado. but they tried again, and had a nice time fighting with the Japanese, but then died in a tornado"
  • trumpet:"...and they stole China's alphabet and wrote a book. about themselves"
  • trombone:"the United States started helping Britain because they are ♫♪ good friends ♪♫"
  • euphonium:"...and started not helping Japan because ♫♪ their friends and our friends are not friends ♪♫..."
  • tuba:"...♪♫ plus they're planning on invaaading the entire ocean ♪♫"
  • percussion:"you also get to join the post-war mega alliance ♫♪ the League of Nations ♪♫ whose mission statement is to try not to take over the world"
  • violin I:"♫♪ hire a samurai ♪♫"
  • violin II:"correction: rich important people hired samurai. poor people who could not afford to hire samurai did not hire samurai"
  • viola:"but then the miracle wears off, but everything's still pretty cool I guess. bye!"
  • cello:"vote now on your phones. and everyone voted so hard that the palace caught on fire and burned down"
  • bass:"the shogun actually didn't care, he was off somewhere doing poetry"
  • piano:"but this one was the most most important, ruled by a heavenly superperson, or emperor for short"
Alternate (better) names for band instruments

-Piccolo- death pickle
-Flute- vibrato pipe of doom
-Eb clarinet- brahms’s butt plug
-Bb clarinet- brahms’s dildo
-Bass clarinet- ass clarinet of your demise
-Oboe- baroquen instrument
-English horn- english whore
-Soprano saxophone- jesus’s gold penis
-Alto saxophone- birbophone
-Tenor saxophone- drunk bass clarinet
-Bari saxophone- kinky berry sex
-Basoon- fancy kazoo

-Horn- horny hand machine
-Trumpet- donald trumpet
-Cornet- corn on the cobb
-Bugle- bagle of doom
-Melophone- trumpet on pot
-Soprano trumpet-oh god oh god oh go
-Bass trumpet- old wise trumpet of the mountain
-Flugelhorn- deathly jazz ice cream cone
-Euphonium- “i thought euphonium was an element”
-Baritone- blueberry gone wrong
-Wagner tuba- gay tuba
-Tuba- tubooba
-Alto trombone- slidey ragtime son
-Trombone- trombooooooon(er)
-Bass trombone- slidey ragtime grandpa



Orchestra Instruments according to trumpets

Violins - tune hoggers, they play all the fun stuff you know you’d get to play if it was band, but pretty decent when you get to know them.

Second violins - cute smol violins, shyer and less full of themselves but don’t know how to tune #sorrynotsorry

Violas - are they even instruments? Very cute awkward people who get very defensive over their instrument and abilities.

Cellos - may as well be gods. Backbone of the orchestra. Very sexy. Much love for cellos. Cello = bae.

Double Basses - weird. DBs are some of the weirdest people I’ve ever met but you have to love them they’re jokes.

Oboes - look very awkward when playing a tuning note. Cute lil ducks. They won’t talk to you first.

Cor Anglais (english horn) - what even are they. Never actually met any but I’d imagine they’re like geese.

Bassoons - big daddy ducks. Always talking about reeds. Quirky but cool.

Flutes - either a complete bitch or the loveliest person you’ll ever meet. Very music. Much flutter. Love chromatics.

Clarinets - hella awkward or hella jokes. Much intersectional banter. Play cool twiddly bits or semibreves the whole time.

Saxophones - gtfo. No one invited them into the orchestra. Now fuck off. Go one. Off you fuck. Hipster cool honk machines though.

Trombones - slidey widey fun times. Coolest crew in the orchestra. Most likely instrument to turn up high (except for maybe percussion).

French horns - curly wurly smol tubas. Exceptionally smol mouthpieces. Weird and cool. Good at making trumpets jealous because John Williams exists and gives them all the solos.

Tubas - wolf pack. Huff puff machines. Lungs of steel. Crave solos but complain when they get one.

Trumpets - QUEENS. Too cool for all of you. Like talking all the time. Either have egos the size of a planet of the size of an amoeba but pretend. Think they are the coolest section. Are the coolest section.

Percussion - v attractive people. Always down to chill. Cool kids.