-Piccolo- death pickle
-Flute- vibrato pipe of doom
-Eb clarinet- brahms’s butt plug
-Bb clarinet- brahms’s dildo
-Bass clarinet- ass clarinet of your demise
-Oboe- baroquen instrument
-English horn- english whore
-Soprano saxophone- jesus’s gold penis
-Alto saxophone- birbophone
-Tenor saxophone- drunk bass clarinet
-Bari saxophone- kinky berry sex
-Basoon- fancy kazoo
-Contrabassoon- ULTIMATE DEATH KAZOO
-Horn- horny hand machine
-Trumpet- donald trumpet
-Cornet- corn on the cobb
-Bugle- bagle of doom
-Melophone- trumpet on pot
-Soprano trumpet-oh god oh god oh go
-Bass trumpet- old wise trumpet of the mountain
-Flugelhorn- deathly jazz ice cream cone
-Euphonium- “i thought euphonium was an element”
-Baritone- blueberry gone wrong
-Wagner tuba- gay tuba
-Alto trombone- slidey ragtime son
-Bass trombone- slidey ragtime grandpa
Violins - tune hoggers, they play all the fun stuff you know you’d get to play if it was band, but pretty decent when you get to know them.
Second violins - cute smol violins, shyer and less full of themselves but don’t know how to tune #sorrynotsorry
Violas - are they even instruments? Very cute awkward people who get very defensive over their instrument and abilities.
Cellos - may as well be gods. Backbone of the orchestra. Very sexy. Much love for cellos. Cello = bae.
Double Basses - weird. DBs are some of the weirdest people I’ve ever met but you have to love them they’re jokes.
Oboes - look very awkward when playing a tuning note. Cute lil ducks. They won’t talk to you first.
Cor Anglais (english horn) - what even are they. Never actually met any but I’d imagine they’re like geese.
Bassoons - big daddy ducks. Always talking about reeds. Quirky but cool.
Flutes - either a complete bitch or the loveliest person you’ll ever meet. Very music. Much flutter. Love chromatics.
Clarinets - hella awkward or hella jokes. Much intersectional banter. Play cool twiddly bits or semibreves the whole time.
Saxophones - gtfo. No one invited them into the orchestra. Now fuck off. Go one. Off you fuck. Hipster cool honk machines though.
Trombones - slidey widey fun times. Coolest crew in the orchestra. Most likely instrument to turn up high (except for maybe percussion).
French horns - curly wurly smol tubas. Exceptionally smol mouthpieces. Weird and cool. Good at making trumpets jealous because John Williams exists and gives them all the solos.
Tubas - wolf pack. Huff puff machines. Lungs of steel. Crave solos but complain when they get one.
Trumpets - QUEENS. Too cool for all of you. Like talking all the time. Either have egos the size of a planet of the size of an amoeba but pretend. Think they are the coolest section. Are the coolest section.
Percussion - v attractive people. Always down to chill. Cool kids.