same day, different #outfit . 🐰👕 good karma points goes to @m.adara ! what is your favourite ice cream and where u like to eat it? 😏🍦 best comment will get a shoutout from me in my next post ⚠️ #triwa #h&m (at Riga, Latvia)
it doesn’t feel like falling it’s like, every time my name falls out of your mouth i forget who i am. because how could that look in your eyes be for me, with all my hurt and all my ugly?
how can you be talking about me when you speak of beauty; with all this hurt i’m holding, can’t you see all this hurt?
i want you to keep believing that i have super powers. please, i don’t know what’s going to happen next, but please don’t forget how you felt; please don’t forget that feeling. because when i fall apart, and i will - i will fall apart - i don’t want you to regret me. please don’t forget the moments when you believed that i could do anything.
i want you to keep touching me. gosh, don’t ever stop touching me. i want your hands all over me; grabbing my hips, pulling my hair - i need your warmth to balance out my cold, i need you. i need you, gosh i need you.
i didn’t think it would be like this. i mean, i have my moments; my stomach comes alive with butterflies when you look at me, my heart pounds like it’s gonna give out when you touch me…but, mostly, it’s calmer than i thought it would be. i didn’t think it would be so easy, i didn’t think there would be so much familiarity.
with you, whatever there is with you and i, it’s the only thing that has ever made any real sense in my whole life. you, we, make sense to me.
and now, i’m awake when i should be asleep. baby, what are you doing to me. what are you doing to me
Therapy today was good , I went in and the first thing I said to her was do you know for the last two weeks I have had you singing In my head the everything is awesome song , I’ll be doing mundane things and it comes up I’ll be having a bad day and it comes up she cracked up laughing.
I told her that my week has felt tiring but it has been good and think my range of emotions are within the normal range but it’s just odd for me to experience.
I told her about the game night on Friday and how much fun I had , I told her what we talked about and playing articulate and cards against humanities , I told her about eating nachos she responded in a really positive ( finally someone understood how big of a thing this is IRL) I said it was funny what came out and how I thought cute guy was just cute and nothing more then overshared with her saying that he told the group he got his junk waxed (there was a reason for this ) and the look on her face was priceless she cracked up laughing why would you want to do that. I then explained to her what cards against humanities was with an example . the thing from this game night is I enjoyed so much being able to be me and not the me I am expected to be.
I then told her about the phone call with mum and everything and how I came to the conclusion that it is both sad and pathetic how she needs me to be depressed. I told her how I thought it was funny she constantly tries to undermine my intelligence and so on the phone call she went back to me need into confirm she was a good mother and so I just told her what I knew she needed to hear , but what I said was actually incorrect from a developmental psychology perspective an that my mum believed this ( there is a reason why this is funny ) H said it seems you learnt a new skill in bluffing which is true and it seemed to work and I felt fine with it where in the past I have believed mum will know if I am not being honest. She asked how I was after the conversion and I said fine it was just nothing I just saw it as sad and pathetic
I told her about telling my aunt about my gallery retesting and that it was okay , I said I think I may put it on fb as a public memo as it is being questioned more frequently and I’m sick of lying about it though I obviously won’t put e factious illness by proxy allergy form she asked how it was to say that and said weird but okay.
I am writing to you because I need to stop writing to them. I need to stop wondering how they are doing and thinking about them and looking them up to see who or what they are doing.
Plus you frustrate me almost as much as them. They broke my heart twice and you broke in two places. Too much running the doctor said. Jumping in too fast too soon. That seems to be my ongoing problem.
It’s so frustrating to put some work into something to have it shatter. So this time foot, we are sticking it out. I am moving slow. No rash movements. No throwing all of my emotions onto the pavement. And we are going to be here for the long haul. I am running that marathon. And this one, he’s a keeper too.