dear christian-

you taught me that loving myself was the most important thing. so thank you for that.

i was 12 and you were 15. you were my best friend, and my soulmate, but the friend kind of soulmate. we talked everyday over the summer of 2012, at least until 3 am. you would tell me you loved me, and how much you wished we could meet. i wished we could have too. You sent me this cute little paragraph one day, listing stuff that you love about me. it made me cry. sometimes i still read it.

flash forward 3 years. now im 15, and you’re 18.

we dont talk. i dont know if you even remember my name. but christian mergl, i still think about you every single day. every single damn day, and its been three years since you tore my heart in half. its been three long years, and i cant stay up until midnight without thinking about our nights awake together. i cant sleep. i hate you so damn much. but i cant help but love you all the same.

i still hope the best for you though. i hope you’ve recovered from all of your battles and scars. i hope life is going well and that youre in love. i hope that you stopped smoking, and i hope your healthy.

i hope the very best for you, and i dont know if you even remember my name.

god. you helped me through so much. all of the shit i was going through. you made me happy, Christian. when i was at a point where i found no purpose in life, i found you.

and now youre gone.



Journal entry from 10:16, 10/22/15

“Remember how I said I was going to get over this stupid crush on HR? Yikes, it’s hard… Sometimes when I look at her, I get actual butterflies in my stomach!”

Text message from Friday, January 22

HR: PS: You’re a really good kisser <3

HR/Christa/Smol Beansprout/Max, you put up with a lot of stuff from me. Anxiety, depression, irritability. Knowing that you’re happy makes my heart soar, and I promise, I’ll do whatever I can to make sure you stay happy.

Yours truly,

BF/Ymir/Tol Beansprout/Chloe


“Shh, shh, shh.” James whispered in your ear as you began to hyperventilate. He held you tighter, bringing you flush against his body. “Quiet, little one. I’ll explain everything. I promise. Just don’t be upset.” 

He frowned, his insides turning as he expected your worst reaction, but he still held you close. “Please don’t be afraid.”