When You're Depressed and Have Nothing Worth Living For
  • Depressed Guy: Life doesn't have any meaning to me anymore. Everything is so empty now.
  • Psychiatrist: I see.
  • Depressed Guy: The worst part of it is, there's no one to talk to. I don't have any friends, and the thought of meeting new people scares me. I know it's dumb, but I just think they'll end up hating me.
  • Psychiatrist: Ah, I have just the thing! *passes depressed guy a book named "1,800,999,999 TOLL FREE!! Numbers to Call If You're Lonely."
  • Depressed Guy: What's this?
  • Psychiatrist: It's the book I give to all of my patients. It works miracles. 100% success rate! Take a look at inside of it later today and you'll be set! *winks*
  • *later*
  • Depressed Guy: *sighs and opens up book*
  • Book: Depressed? Lonely? Well, don't be! If you're sad, there are millions of people out there willing to talk to your FOR FREE! Just try calling one of these numbers: 1-800-000-001, 1-800-000-002, 1-800-000-003, 1-800-000-004, 1-800-000-005...
  • Depressed Guy: What the hell is this? *flips pages*
  • Book: 1-800-567-289, 1-800-567-290, 1-800-567-291, 1-800-567-292, 1-800-567-293...
  • Depressed Guy: This is just a bunch of phone numbers. It doesn't even tell you what they're for. How is this supposed to help me? *sighs* Whatever.
  • Depressed Guy: *dials a random number*
  • Rep: Hello, thank you for calling Darkheart Pharmaceuticals' customer care line. I'm your representative for tonight. How can I help you?
  • Depressed Guy: Hello, I'm depressed. Your number was in a book for depressed people, so I decided to call it.
  • Rep: I'm depressed too. Morbidly so.
  • Depressed Guy: Oh, so you're depressed. Interesting. Why?
  • Rep: I'm supposed to act like Mike, but instead I act like Eric everyday and it reflects poorly on me in the workplace.
  • Depressed Guy: Hey, my name is Mike.
  • Rep: Really?
  • Depressed Guy: Yeah. Uh, are you doing anything later this week.
  • Rep: Just work.
  • Depressed Guy: We should meet up. Maybe talk about our depression.
  • Rep: That'd be nice.
  • *rep and depressed guy trade contact details*
  • Rep: Thank you. You have a nice day too. *smiles as she hangs up*
  • New Guy: *rolls chair over* Wow, you're smiling?
  • Rep: *immediately stops smiling*
  • New Guy: I've never seen you smile before. You should smile more often!
  • Rep: I can't talk to you. I have to be prepared for calls or I risk being like an Eric. Please leave me alone.
  • New Guy: You know you don't have to be prepared. It's not like there's any supervisors around watching you.
  • Rep: *gasps* I can't believe you! You're Eric to a T! Stop speaking to me! *pushes new guy's chair away*
  • New Guy: *internally* Why is everyone around here so fucking boring?
  • *new guy's chair hit something and falls over*
  • New Guy: Oh fuck! What did I run into?
  • New Guy: *watches as cartoonishly long and gray, corpse-like arm retracts from the floor and into a air vent*
  • *glowing yellow eyes peak from the air vent*
  • Someone: Todd is it?
  • New Guy: What the fuck are you!?
  • Someone: Language please. You're in the workplace.
  • New Guy: S-Sorry. What are you!?
  • Someone: I'm Mr. Darkheart. Your boss. Stop goofing off and get back to work. *opens third eye* Or I'll fire you!
  • New Guy: *wakes up at desk* AAAAAAH!
  • Rep: Please don't yell. It's an Eric-like behavior and some of us are actually trying to do their jobs.
  • New Guy: I'm at my desk? But I was just...
  • Rep: You were sleeping. You're not paid to sleep. Please do your job.
  • New Guy: I fucking hate this place.
  • Rep: Don't swear!
  • *air vent blows feathers in new guy's face*

anonymous asked:

Saw someone on 4chan claiming that you guys pre-write all your jokes on the podcast before hand. Thought that might be one of the most out there weird accusations of you guys I've seen and that you might get a kick out of it.

We have a whole team of writers that put together the script each week, we’re just the beautiful, highly marketable faces that CBS has chosen to put in front of of the script.

anonymous asked:

The sheikh at my local masjid looks like the Arab version of Drake and he knows people (mainly ages 13-23) call him Sheikh Drake and I know he didn't know who Drake was until he heard someone refer to him as Sheikh Drake and that's when he googled Drake but before Zuhr the other day he approached a group of teenage guys standing outside the masjid and said, "I'm ready to drop the sickest nasheed today." And the boys looked shocked and he was like, "I'm hip too guys. I've seen memes."

So do you have any pictures of this Sheikh. How old is he? Is he married?