When we get back to the car, we both sit in an
extremely awkward silence. Neither of us
seems to know what to do. After all,
that was possibly the most pivotal moment of both of our lives. Where do we go from here.?
Lips and tears and heat and fire.
When I turn to
nervously look at Baz, he’s staring straight ahead, his jaw set and his brow
heavy. He’s gripping the steering wheel
with both hands, but doesn’t make a move to actually start the car. Rain is beginning to dot the windshield, and
I can see my own breath whisper into the air.
is so tense, like he’s only just fully realizing what has happened.
Lips and tears and heat and fire.His
lips on mine.
I murmur, breaking the silence, “do you want me to drive?”
blinks like he’s snapped out of a daze and takes a breath. “No,” he says without looking at me, “it’s
fine.” He turns the key in the ignition,
and I notice his hands shaking.
I reach out and touch his arm without thinking.
“I’d really prefer if I drove.”
doesn’t flinch at my touch like I expect him to. He just stares at my hand on his skin with an
odd expression, like he’s trying to figure out something complicated. Like he’s thinking how did that get there?
not looking like he’s going to move, so I open my door and walk around to the
driver’s side, and only then does he actually get out of the car. He doesn’t look at me as he passes, barely brushing
me with his coat on the way.
we’re both in our seats, I start the car and turn us around, heading back the
way we came. I turn on the heat because
it’s freezing in here, but not the music.
As much as I want to break the silence, I can’t ignore the fact that
this isn’t just the normal we-kissed-what-now
kind of awkward. This is the you-almost-killed-yourself-and-as-a-result-we-kissed
kind of awkward, which is slightly heavier than the normal awkward.
Lips and tears and heat and fire. His lips on mine. Tears on our tongues.
I sneak a glance
at him. He gazes at the window. Not out,
okay?” I know it’s a stupid question, of
course he’s not, but I have to ask.
shrugs and very slightly shakes his head.
know it sounds dumb,” I say quietly, “but it’ll be alright. You’ll be okay.”
doesn’t look at me. I’m starting to
wonder if he ever will again.
I nearly killed us.
I nearly sent us both up in flames and then had him against a tree snogging
the life out of him. And here he is
asking if I’m okay.
for him though, because I’m not. Of
Lips and tears and heat and fire. His lips on mine. Tears on our tongues. His mouth, so full of heat.
I’m not okay, and
now I’ve let him see in graphic detail exactly how not-okay I am. I could not have made myself more vulnerable
in front of him, and the thought makes me want to curl into a ball, erase the
whole thing, make it never happen.
for the kissing. That part can stay.
though I have no idea if he meant it. It
might have been a final attempt to pull me out of my suicidal funk. Even the kisses after the fire was out were
probably just pity kisses, albeit very desperate pity kisses.
he says quietly, and I feel him glance at me, “how long… um, how long had you
“Forever.” It comes out without a thought.
fifth year.” Both are true.
thinks for a moment. “Why didn’t you say
had enough reason to hate me.”
don’t hate you.”
thought you hated me.”
did,” I nod, “until I loved you.” His
head whips to face me and I scrunch my eyes shut. I can’t believe I just said that. “Until I didn’t hate you anymore,” I try to
fix it, but I know it’s too late. It’s
out, it’s in the air between us, and it’s going to stay there forever, taunting
me with how he’ll never say it back.
I grit through my teeth, a tear squeezing out of my eye, “I can’t.” The tear makes its way down my cheek until it
drips into my mouth, and the taste is like Simon. I will probably forever associate the taste
of tears with kissing Simon.
he whispers, and we’re quiet for the rest of the drive. I try to keep my sobs silent, but I’m sure he’s
I could have killed him. If he’d died, it would have been my fault.
Tears on our tongues.
we finally pull into my driveway, I climb out of the car as soon as we’ve
stopped. I hear him call after me, but I
don’t pause. I slam the car door and
start stalking towards the house. It’s
so over for me. I thought I was ready to
die in the woods? I hadn’t been kissed
by the boy I love who will never love me.
How am I supposed to live with that?
footsteps on the driveway are quick like he’s running after me. I keep moving, tears blurring my vision.
catches up to me at the doorstep, throwing himself between me and the door,
blocking my entry.
out of the way, Snow,” I mutter, looking down.
We’re under the porch light now, he’ll be able to see what a mess I am,
and I can’t look at his expression.
what?” I snap. “What do you want?”
make the mistake of glancing at his face and I find tears running down his
want you to know that you’ll be okay,” he sobs, “and that I want you to be
nearly killed you, Snow,” I say, shuddering, “how can you possibly want me to
Lips and tears and heat and fire. His lips on mine. Tears on our tongues. His mouth, so full of heat. Flames licking at my vision.
wouldn’t have,” he shakes his head, “you were going to spell me away, and for
some reason, that’s more upsetting than if you’d tried to kill both of us.”
makes you think I would have saved you?”
was in your eyes.”
now his eyes are full of something I don’t recognize.
takes my hand tentatively. “I need you
to know something,” he tells me through his sobs, “because you probably think
that it was a sympathy kiss.”
exactly what I’m thinking.
never think that. Never think that the
first kiss, or any kisses after that were out of sympathy. I kissed you because I wanted to, a lot more
than I realized.” He sniffles, his eyes
pleading. “I’d kiss you again right now,
and tomorrow morning, and every day after that and none of it would be out of
sympathy, and I need you to understand that.”
shaking like a leaf. Because I’m tense,
because I’m cold, because I’m in some kind of shock, because of Simon’s words.
kiss me again?” I choke, unable to believe what I’m hearing.
goes pink and he’s smiling and crying and laughing all at once, and I finally
recognize what’s in his eyes because it’s exactly the same thing as what’s in
doesn’t answer with words. He stands on
tiptoe and takes me by the lapels of my ruined suit, pressing his mouth into
mine and it fits like we’ve been doing this forever, like it’s second
nature. His lips taste like tears again
and I’m certain that the taste of tears will always be bittersweet to me now, a
reminder that no matter how bad it gets, Simon Snow kissed me because he wanted to.
he would again. He is right now.
he would tomorrow morning, and every day after that.