What “chivalry” should be: “I want to do this good thing for someone else because altruism is awesome.”
What “chivalry” should not be: “I’m gonna do this ‘nice thing’ for a woman because she is a woman, but if she doesn’t respond in a manner which I deem appropriate I’m gonna call her an ‘ungrateful b****’ because I’m a petulant child who doesn’t understand historical gender dynamics.”
Growing up shy with only brothers, I was never confident approaching women I was interested in, and I think I was in my mid-twenties before I was finally the one to make the first move. The upshot of this is it gave me the chance to form some fantastic friendships with women in school, and college.
I saw first hand the kinds of horrible attitudes men held towards my friends, and since becoming addicted to the many many online dating blogs on Tumblr I’ve seen this to the Nth degree. As someone who found it hard simply saying ‘hi’ to a woman I liked, this behaviour baffled me. If someone else had that confidence to walk up to (or now message) a woman, and start a conversation with her, why would he go out of his way to fuck it up?
1) Fedoras/Trillbys: First of all Trillbys ARE NOT fedoras. Second, this is what PUAs call “peacocking”, making yourself flashy somehow to stand out from the crowd.
A- This doesn’t work if you’re all fucking doing it, at least try and be original.
B- If your personality doesn’t stand out, then go work on that instead.
2) Negging: Another PUA tactic, though I suspect it’s as old as dating itself. This involves giving backhanded compliments, or small insults followed by compliments. The aim is supposedly to make the woman either extra grateful for the compliment after the insult, or desperate to prove you wrong.
A- What the actual living fuck? On a basic level it’s nonsensical. “There’s a woman I like…I know! I’ll insult her.” If that seems like a good thought process to you, then you’re a fucking idiot.
B- Tricking someone into talking to you/being interested in you is pathetic because again you’re just proving that you have a shitty personality that can’t stand it’s ground.
C- This kind of behaviour is a trait of psychologically and abusive relationships. To the defence “I’m a nice guy, I just wanted her to talk to me.”, women talk to people every single fucking day without the need for them to insult them first.
3) Rejection: Here’s a scenario.
Bro 1 - “Hey dude, you wanna go to the game today?”
Bro 2 - “Thanks for asking, but sorry dude, not interested in Basketball.
Bro 1 - "You fucking piece of shit! How dare you reject me?! I hope you get raped! I never even wanted to go to the game with you anyway! You’re fat lol.”
Manbabies can try and mansplain this away all they want, and they do; “If you’d just given me a chance I wouldn’t have acted that way, I’m actually a really nice guy.” “Sorry, I was drunk when I sent that.” “Sorry, my friend got my phone, lol.” However, if you’ve never or would never react this way to a man rejecting your request for something, drunk or not, then you are behaving this way simply because a WOMAN did it. Right there is your problem.
Bro - “Hey, do you wanna get dinner or drinks sometime?”
Mysterious Alien Creature (aka; woman) - “Hey thanks, but I’m not really interested.”
Bro - “Np, have a good one.”
A - You haven’t burned any bridges. Is she just out of a relationship? Is she dealing with stuff in her personal life? If that’s the case, when she’s not, you’re still a contender, instead of a piece of garbage.
B - You treated someone like a human fucking being.
4) The FRIENDZONE: All in Caps because that’s how some guys seem to view it. I guarantee you this phrase was coined by a guy who is the most horrible piece of shit on the planet. As I mentioned earlier, I had a much easier time making woman friends than meeting girlfriends. There was one who I had a huge crush on and nothing ever happened, and I know for a fact there was one who liked me and nothing ever happened. And guess what? We stayed friends.
A - If you enter a friendship with the sole aim on getting something out of it for you, then you’re a terrible friend.
B - If a male friend chose to go to a basketball game with someone who likes basketball instead of you, would you complain about the friendzone?
C - If a woman was your friend for years, and then you found out it was only because she wanted your kidney, how’d you feel? Betrayed, hurt, knowing that person never liked you as a friend?
Let’s rename the friendzone the neverwasafriendtobeginwithzone.
5) Girls only date Assholes: What? What?! What the fuckitty fuck fuck? I’ve dated horrible people, my friends have all dated horrible people. Women do not have a monopoly on bad choices.
A - EVERYBODY dates assholes at some point. If a friend is, try to help them see that instead of assuming they like it.
B - As a general rule, assholes date assholes. If you’re not an asshole, if you’re a self-proclaimed nice guy, then why would you wanna be with a woman who’s an asshole? Oh right, because you only care about her body.
C - I have friends whose boyfriends/husbands are nicer than I am and it pisses me off.
6) “Compliments”: I hope you noticed the inverted commas there. From catcalling, to pet names, to street & online harassment, again this is something that I can’t wrap my head around. You see a woman you like, you have two options.
i - Find a reason to initiate contact. Online, look in the profile for common interests. IRL, whatever she’s doing at that moment.
ii - Shout a generic compliment a 5year old could come up with.
Which one seems more likely to you? I once started a two-year relationship initially based on a mutual love of nothing more than a brand of chips.
A - Unsolicited compliments are…wait for it…UNSOLICITED. If no one asked you for it, don’t give it.
B - “Learn to take a compliment.” Next guy I hear say this in a bar I’m gonna send every male friend over one after the other to 'compliment’ him.
C - If you catcall, I’m gonna get six huge construction workers to come to your neighbourhood and shout 'compliments’ at you every time you walk down the street and see how you like it.
In conclusion…because this has gone on Waaaaay longer than I’d originally intended, let me leave you with a couple of rules of thumb.
1 - As difficult as it may be for some men to realise, women are not a part of some alien species. You don’t need to trick them, you don’t need to manipulate them. Respect breeds respect, talk to women as human fucking beings.
2 - There are over 6billion people on the planet. Attraction is a complicated phenomenon that the physical and social sciences are NOWHERE near explaining. Not every one of the 3 ½ or so billion women on the planet are going to be attracted to you. Accept it and move on.
3 - Nice guys don’t finish last, only “Nice guys” do.
I used to be the nice guy type when I was young and while I wasn’t the fedora/neckbeard type, I did carry a lot of their ideals. Now that I know how twisted that mindset is I’d like to say something.
Every single one of these assholes is a god damn liar. “I just want a loving, faithful waifu (lol) that I will treat like a princess.” No. The truth is that that nice guy is going to try to get you too blow him and then ignore you the same as the dick head jock will. They yell “friend zone” as often as possible, not because their heart is breaking but because they now have to confront the fact that they simply aren’t attractive enough to be the player they wish they were.
This victim complex doesn’t come from unrequited love, it is a selfish need to stack numbers that will secure their place on top of the masculinity hierarchy. When they fail to get enough trophies they realize something is wrong and it can’t be their fault so all women must be frigid bitches.
Don’t feel bad for them. They aren’t sincere, misunderstood, and sensitive, they’re just working an angle.
**Note: I apologize in advance if this comes across as angry and vitriolic, but I really like Hak a lot. I think he’s a wonderful leading man who genuinely cares and respects Yona in ways I so rarely see in popular media, so to see him being criticized for not being a Nice Guy™ really, really grinds my gears and I felt it necessary to say something. So… yeah.
So I go on a manga reading website to read AnY, and in one of the forum I see a great big jumble of bullshit masquerading as a forum post. I’ll spare you guys most of it, but I screenshotted the part that made me livid because, especially for the anime but also for the manga, I see the same sort of reasoning ALL THE TIME.
Not only is this just…. super gross generally, but it shows a fundamental misunderstanding of Hak as character. Hak is not a Nice Guy™ who is caring for Yona with ulterior motive of “Oh, if I just stick around long enough and remain hopeful, someday she’s gonna fall for me, right??” No. NO NO NO NO. That is not Hak. That was never Hak. He is not here at Yona’s side hoping and waiting for the moment that she’ll someday love him, and it sure as hellisn’t the reason he’s still there after all this time. Does he love her, and did he try to make such apparent to her originally? For sure. Does he believe if he just remains persistent, she’ll someday love him back? No. Nooooooo. NO.
employer: so tell me why you want to work for the company and what you’d bring to the position.
nice guy: your exemplary company truly sets the standard for the
industry. honestly, it would be an honor to get to the second interview,
if you would give me such a chance. i did a lot of research on the
company and found that (continues overly gushing about company and
employer: ok… thanks. we’ll notify you with our decision in a couple days
nice guy: *tips fedora/trilby/nobody gives a fuck* m'interviewer
(two days later) employer: hello mr. nice guy, we’re writing to thank
you for taking the time for the interview the other day. after careful
thought we have decided to go with another candidate etc etc
guy: (writes back) whatever you fucking bitch i never wanted to work
for your inferior company anyway, actually i hope that whoever you hired
robs you at gunpoint and kills a few of you and then burns your fucking
building down. since that’s obviously the kind of employee you go for. i
swear i’m done with the working scene, nobody ever goes for a truly
grateful, hard worker like me. i was ready to make your company my life
but now you won’t get that chance. your loss. i hope you’re satisfied
ruining your pathetic business which will surely crash and burn without
me on board. bitch
employer: (shows angry email to coworker) wow. dodged a bullet there huh greg. up top