Aries: “If you mess this up, I will take you outside and scream at you. And then I will set you on fire.”
Taurus: “Have you ever seen Let’s Get Creative? No? How have you had me as a homeroom teacher for over a year and not seen this video? Okay, one second, let me get it turned on -”
Gemini: “I could get fired for this - and I know I say that a lot, but really, I am so going to get fired - but -”
Cancer: “I had some weird friends in high school. One time, a girl friend - as in a friend that was a girl, just so we’re clear - got hit by a car in the school parking lot. The dude was freaking out until the girl got up and started wiping her blood on the car, screaming, ‘You hit me, you bastard!’”
Leo: “Hey, we do not critique people for making mistakes in this class. Everyone makes mistakes. Except for me. I’m brilliant.”
“Isn’t senpai a weird word? It seems so creepy. Like, ‘Oh, senpai!’ It just seems so stalkerish. Don’t ever call a teacher that, by the way. It sounds entirely inappropriate.”
Libra: “If we ever did have a shooter at the school, I want you all to pick up a Calculus text book - because they’re bullet proof- and hold in front of you like a shield, then turn to the side to minimize your surface area, while throwing scissors over your shoulder at the attacker. I’ll fight the gunman, because for one I love you all, and two, I have a death wish.”
Scorpio: “I listen to emo teenage music. They’re like, ‘We’re angry and teens!’ and I’m like, ‘Yeah! …Except, I’m like, 30.’”
Sagittarius: “A manbearpig is half man, half bear, half pig. Like the human centipede. Here, let me draw one on the board.”
Capricorn: “Hey, watch it! Don’t get blood on my carpet! It’s dripping off your chin - !”
Aquarius: “Wow, wow. Ship, as in like, relationship? God, I’m stupid. I always thought that it meant, like, you shipped them together. ‘Here you go, guys! I’m just going to package you in a FedEx box and ship you off to a nice house together!’ Or put them on a ship together. Or something.”
Pisces: “I don’t drink water or sleep. I derive my energy entirely from Mountain Dew. [But I drink a can every few hours so my energy levels don’t drop!]”
It might be a while guys…I don’t know when. Could be a year. Maybe more, maybe less. But I won’t believe it unless I see one of them walking down the aisle with someone else. Until then? Sorry I ship it like FedEx. I’m still hurt, and I’m aching and I’m more than a wee bit angry, but I have some new found strength in my convictions. There could be more pain on it’s way, or maybe, just maybe it will be okay. It’s only been one day, but after the night I just past, I believe I can face 1,000 more.
I’m sorry if it offends anyone. If it upsets you, or seeing anything shipping related will, you need to unfollow me.