gurl what is goin on

Horoscopes By Gil Hizon - September 14-20, 2015

Find out what happens when people stop being polite.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Your biggest challenge this week, mama, is containing your sanity. I’m not saying bad things will happen. Quite the opposite, actually. You are gonna be so bombarded with so much good shit you are not gonna be able to keep your wits about chu. Take out that notepad, queen! You’re gonna need to make a list, gurl, of what you got goin’ on. Or you will fizzle before you even burst.


LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Do you have to express your every fucking waking thought on social media? I swear, most of the shit on our News Feed is coming from you! How could you possibly be living yo life if you’re always keeping an eye out on Twitter? Bitch, get out of your Haus of Expensive Shit and experience other Fs besides Facebook. I’m talking Flora and Fauna, you dirty-minded queen!


SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Oh, honey. You’ve been through so much, I get teary-eyed just lookin’ at yo ass. Let me take this moment to remind you of how fucking fabulous I think you are for being able to withstand the barrage of shitstorms that have befallen you in the last few weeks. You are a strong mofo who can drink anybody under the table, and for that, I fucking salute you. Even if sometimes, you turn people into stone with your scary SCORPIO eyes.


SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

What makes sense for you this week and what does for others will not mesh well. Instead of playing emotional Tetris with them bitches, why not play the same game with yourself? Why not sort out whatever emotional hoopla you’re dealing with before you even attempt to call a nearby ho? I know you wanna be sane, mama! The key to obtaining that lies within yo ass.


CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

A change is happening within yo ass. On a normal day, your quest for world dominance can be sensed a mile away. Your no-holds barred, take-no-prisoners approach to clawing your way to the top of your career path was something we could just marvel on, after we’re done cringing. I have to say, nowadays, I am so glad to see you relax for once, and just let things unfold before you.


AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Your biggest challenge this week is obtaining a peace of mind. There will be an influx of shade coming your way that would make this clarity of thought a bitch to achieve. The most important thing you can do to take advantage of the situation is to summon your badassery, and at the same time, allowing yourself to surrender to the flow of information surging within yo veinz. If you can absorb the shade, then you can harness it and throw that shit back.


PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

There are people in this world who know what you’re all about without having to talk to you, which I think is fucking special. Thing is, the magic of their existence can lead you to believe you can connect with every bitch on earth the same way. This ain’t true, queen, and you’ll get reminded of that this week. I suggest being open to what every bitch and ho has to offer you, but if a relationship is feeling forced, then that shit ain’t meant to be.


ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

In the past, you’ve relied on your energetic brashness to achieve your goals. Nowadays, you are willing to challenge yourself, and approach life with a more easygoing, softer manner. The obstacle lies in falling into the trap of thinking “soft” means “weak.” You must learn that gentleness, if that shit is carefully controlled and used wisely, can sometimes work just as well, if not better, than force, to get what you want.


TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

This shit show of a week could become a bit overwhelming for you, but you must resist the urge to throw in the towel. Although the volume of this clusterfuck looks intimidating, it’s resting on a flimsy core. With this new understanding, you should be able to look at your noisy week with a better strategy on how to tackle the shit out of it.


GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

You are in danger of getting tangled in the massive amount of shade you threw last week. You threw such an immense load that it’s quite possible that you were unable to keep track of your tally of incoming and outgoing shadery. This week, you must get down on your knees to sort this shit out. In other words: dearie, it’s time to look through the motherfucking receipts!


CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

You can be so tethered to the fucking past that you’re having a bit of a hard time exploring the possibilities of your future. I’m not saying that you must choose one and tell the other to get the fuck out; all I’m saying is that there are parts of your past that layer who you are and give your life deeper meaning. These are the parts you must hold on to. The rest is just annoying noise. Best to free that space up and make room for new connections in your future.


LEO (July 23 – August 22)

A deeper understanding of what you’re all about is your mission this week. In order to obtain that, you must be able to face some hard truths about yo ass and own up to them. It ain’t gonna be easy, but it’s the only way you can harness that strength within you and face the future. Really, all I’m sayin’ is: Check yourself, before you wreck yourself.


(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shit show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!