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Horoscopes By Gil Hizon - Week of May 23 - May 30, 2016

Category is… Denial Queens!

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

This week, it’s the battle of your two faces. Face Number One wants to keep your comments to yourself and Face Number Two just don’t give a flying fuck. Having this internal conflict is enough to confuse the hell out of you. Additionally, it makes it harder for you to get a full read on other hos’ reactions to your SHEnanigans. So here’s a tip: If you think you’re coming off like a bitch… you probably iz.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Gurl, just because your aspect ratio has increased from 4x3 to 16x9 doesn’t mean you can see ERRvything. On the contrary, having a wider field of vision makes it more difficult for you to concentrate on the important shit. Give yourself time to adjust to the situation and give other bitches a heads up on what chu goin thru. Some may be more understanding than you would expect.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

This week is gonna be an uphill battle for yo ass unless. You. Unleash. That’s right, queen. That deep-seated baggage you’ve been carrying is dying to rise to the surface. And I know you’ve been practicing your emotional kegels, but that may not be enough to keep all that shit from coming out and quite frankly, you may rupture something. Enough with the secrets, dahling. The sooner you can get it out, the quicker you can deal with the repercussions… and the faster you can finally let that shit go.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

This week, you’re realizing more and more that things are not as dire as you have purported it to be, drama queen. What everyone admires about you (aside from dat ass) is your ability to not let any form of negativity or discouragement penetrate your brain. This is really key into achieving your purpose in life. Once you discover what it is, I trust you will go super VIRGO on that shit, and look sickening while doing it.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Although there is a gaysayer in your midst, you’re not letting that bitch get in the way of you soaking in what the universe has to offer. From bursting into song to making ridiculously flamboyant hand gestures, you are truly gagging on LIFE. What you need to consider is that Negative Nancy may not be such a villain. She may be just keepin yo ass to task with your duties to keep the real shitshow at bay.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Bup-bup-bup! The time for conniving and manipulating is ovah, queen! Although I have to admit, you look really cool doing all dem evil maneuvers, this is the time to be real with yourself and others in terms of how you want the next few weeks to go down. You’re not the only one who wants to achieve the same goal, hunty! You just need to take a leap of faith and attack the problem with cooperation and delegation. Process is the bitch that won’t fuck you over. So trust the damn ho.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

If you ever have any doubts about whether your flexibility is a hindrance, all you need to do is take a stroll through memory lane, also known as your scandalous selfies on Instagramz. Indeed, you’re the only queen we know who can bend over backwards and make it look fierce, dahling! Adapting to unexpected pressure is a gift, and this week, you’ll be using that present a whole lot. Over and Bend Over.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Shit gets real when you start writing the personal essayz of yo life and you discover that there are some unresolved baggage from your past. Instead of being afraid of all that shit, you’ll find that facing that repressed trauma head on will give you that much needed strength to improve your future. And once you’ve conquered your spiritual saboteurs, you’ll be more than happy to show others how that shit is done.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You’re a giddy little queen this week, as your mind is filled with ridiculous, random thoughts. The reality of it all is that the universe is trying to send you some messages, and that shit is coded, gurl (it’s not autocorrect either). So you should probably slap the gigglies out of yo face and start paying attention to those damn signals from the stars. Shit’s about to get gooood.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Enough. This is the last time you’re gonna help a certain ungrateful queen in your life. For one thing, you may be starting to resent the bitch because you think she’s taking advantage of yo ass. The real T is, you’d be helping her out more if you just let her find her own way instead of always guiding her through the storm. The more she learns to deal with her own messes, the less she’ll ask yo ass for help/spiritual guidance/whatever the fuck you’re selling these days.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

There is a certain silence that exists between you and a loved one. And the more that silence lasts, the more it speaks volumes of perceived disparity, queen! Breaking the silence means finding out that any issues you thought lingered between you and this ho are all unnecessary shit. It ain’t an issue of pride either so go ahead and be the first one to do it. Break the silence with that goddam mouth.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Things are about to get stagnant, gurl. And although it would be much more convenient for you to remain where yo ass iz, in the end, being in boring suspension will just ruin your very soul. You must take the first step into getting yourself out of the quicksand of monotony. Moving on, no matter how painful, can initiate growth and improvement. And it burns calories. Just ask your fucking fitbit.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shit show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!