my mommy is such an sjw. she tells me that I shouldn’t eat more than two gummy vitamins per day because it’s “bad for me,” but I know vitamins are good for me! mommy just wants to keep all of them for herself so she can eat them slowly like a mouse… that’s why i ate the whole bottle just now. boy is mommy gonna be surprised when she sees that i cucked her whole candy bottle.
kristoph: we, uh…we both know phoenix wright is a very intelligent man right.
kristoph: and we both know that his choices, however unorthodox, have proved effective. and we have gone over his vast history with the law.
apollo: yes sir.
kristoph: so i’m just spitballing here but. if for whatever reason. someone you consider to be, oh, i dont know….close to you in some sense. were to be arrested on suspicion of poisoning someone. eating the evidence might not be….an idea you should rule out right away.
apollo: sir do you want want one of your gummy vitamins youre looking kinda stressed out right now
Today I went out and bought a new bottle of Kylo Ren gummy vitamins –I’ve repurchased these vitamins many times over the past year. I definitely noticed something different with this bottle. For the past year, the vitamins have ALWAYS been in the shapes of Kylo, Phasma and the First Order symbol…so I open this bottle to find no Phasma, but shapes of Rey and Rey’s speeder…?
Wow, this got long! I guess now might be a good time to tell you I’m writing a fic for the stowaway thing??? This may or may not make it into the final product, we’ll see.
It was almost thrilling at first,
like an intense game of hide and seek. Now you were lost and in constant fear
of being found by giant alien robots, the reality of the situation having hit
you like a snowball to the face. You were hungry, exhausted, and goodness knew
how far away from home. On top of all that, you were sure you getting sick.
There was no sunlight here, no gummy vitamins shaped like teddy bears, and your
skin had grown hot and dry. You would’ve cried if you weren’t so dehydrated. Frustrated,
you threw yourself down on the floor.
“Cyclonus! Look, here they are!”
Numbness burst through you. You hadn’t meant to fall asleep. Now there was a
blue and white robot crouching much too close to you, and a dangerous looking
purple one approaching. You tried to run but your movements were sluggish. It
felt like your brain was lagging. The purple one lifted you with hands like
“It is unwell,” it said in a deep,
echoing voice. “We should take it to Ratchet. Come along, Tailgate”
“They aren’t an it, Cyclonus,” the little
one- Tailgate?- protested, but followed anxiously.
By the time the robots finally put
you down you were nauseous from the journey. Had there been anything in your
stomach, you would’ve thrown up. Instead you just whimpered and screwed your
“Primus,” a new voice hissed, and
you didn’t have time to wonder what a primus was until something prodded at
your lips. It was like something your mother gave your medicine to you in, but
larger. And it was filled with water. Blessed, sweet water, more crystal pure
that anything you’d ever tasted. You gulped it eagerly.
As abruptly as it came, it went. “Easy
there,” murmured the voice who didn’t have a body yet. Things were blurry when you
opened your eyes but you were able to make out a reddish-orange boxy shape. “Drift,
make yourself useful and comm. Magnus and Megatron. Tell her we’ve found the
will want to come to,” you glanced over. This one looked like it was made of
blades. You wished for more water.
You’d fallen asleep again, and when
you woke you were given some bread and more water. It was a feast if you ever
saw one. You’d dug in without question. As you ate you watched Boxy-Red-Orange
talk with three other bots. One was made of flames, one had skyscrapers for
shoulders, and the last one was gray and sad. They kept glancing at you. You
chewing slowed as you considered the notion that they might be fattening you up
to eat you. The three new bots came up to you.
“I don’t taste good,” you rasped. Flamey laughed and the other two started. Skyscraper leaned down
to look you in the eyes.
“We aren’t going to eat you,” the
robot said. “We’re going to take care of you. Do you remember how you got on
You shook your head.
“Well, that’s okay. We can look
into it later. What’s important is that you’re safe,” Sky scraper pointed to
itself. “I’m Ultra Magnus, and this is Rodimus and Megatron. They’re captains
of the Lost Light, which is the ship you’re on now.”
Megatron? Why did that name sound
so familiar? Vaguely, you remembered your father having a discussion with his
friends. It was mostly boring and political, and the issue of safety had come
up. Your father had mentioned some new kind of “cyber-cone” technology. Days
later he’d come home with a new gun you weren’t allowed to touch, then taught
your mother how to turn the safety on and off before locking it away. You’re
sure somewhere in there Megatron was mentioned. Maybe Megatron made the guns?
“I wanna go home,” you keened.
Thinking about your parents made you miss them. The Ultra Magnus bot frowned
“I know, but home is very far away.
You need to stay with us until we can get you back to earth,” it-he?- said.
Your lip began to quiver. You wanted to go home now.
“How long’s it gonna take?” you
whined. Ultra Magnus sighed.
“I don’t know,” he said. “But I
promise we will get you home.”
headcanon I have: clef spent years in the goc hunting reality benders out of a van with six to seven other guys surviving off of shoplifted materials from Walmart bc that’s what a goc ‘task force’ looked like back in the day (a loosley connected bunch of small teams paid with $50-$100 cash each at the completion of an assigned mission) and therefore they couldn’t afford actual meds or an actual medical examination if one of them needed one so they made up for it by making 'home remedies’ that clef insists work to this day but the only thing is that it’s not like. made of herbs or something. no ALL of them are made of things six broke sick guys in a van in the middle of winter could shop lift from a gas station so it’s like. gummy vitamins and buffalo ranch cheetos blended together
-plain tortilla chips (scoops) and you eat the whole bag -dominos -was this candy from halloween or easter? (it was christmas) -gummy vitamins count as food right? -ritz crackers and you eat 2 sleeves at 1 in the morning -i’m gonna be healthy! it’s a fresh start! i’ll eat an apple! -if i drink warm water its like eating food -alcohol -powdered mashed potatoes and you eat the whole box standing in front of the stove -i havent eaten in three days but i want to throw up, i’ll eat some bread -appetite suppressants because you want to punish yourself but also because you’re too lazy to cook -dominos (hi todd, yeah it’s nice to see you again too, here’s your tip…) -i think there’s some crumbs in that chip bag on the floor probably -gum has 5 calories a piece so if i eat this whole package… -is that a crumb or a scab on my bed? it’s a scab -maybe i’ll treat myself to chinese tonight - oh, it’s 11:48 pm? dominos -how long have these almonds been in the bottom of my backpack for? oh well nuts don’t expire (they do) -i could make a frozen dinner that’s quick and easy right? (dominos)