guess what's coming for dinner

The charm that the fortune-teller sold you was supposed to help you find true love. Or, you know: at least a decent booty-call.

What she didn’t tell you was that the fucking thing was a big glimmering beacon for all of those things that go bump in the night, that scuttle in the corner of your eye, and that wait for you to go to sleep before sitting on your chest.

A normal person groan out their dismay to the powers that be. You park your car in your parents’ driveway, though, thanking your lucky stars that the first creature who jumped you in a foul-smelling alley would be an excitable one with a thing for humans.

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12 Days of Larents - Day 4: Trick Wrapping

Louis is starting them young. Nobody is safe.

Nevermind, Harry is just as fucking bad.

This will prolly come back to bite the both of them in years to come.

So I absolutely love Christmas and even when I was little, my absolute favourite part was anticipating the look on everyone’s faces when they opened presents I got them. Unfortunately I can’t send you all a something individually though, so I hope this is an okay substitute?

Brace yourselves  for 12 days of dumb little pictures about the Larents getting ready for Christmas. I’ve been sitting on them for a little while so I’m super excited to see what you all think :D


anonymous asked:

Imagine Randy Orton and a/n have a child together (jack) so they don't get to frickle frackle as often so on their day off they try to get it in and mid a/n orgasm jack comes in the room and it gets #awkward Thx brotaco×•× Btw your blog is kewl kk

          “Daddy, Daddy! You’re home,” your three year old son Jack cheered when his father- and your husband- Randy Orton walked through the front door.

  “Hey there, champ,” Randy replied scooping Jack up and holding him in his arms. “I missed you so much!”

“I missed you too, Daddy.”

  Randy kissed Jack’s nose and put him back on the floor. “Jack, where’s Mommy,” he asked his son.

  “Mommy’s in her room looking for a puzzle for us to put together,” Jack answered, beaming. “I don’t think she heard you come in.”

Hearing that made your husband grow a mischievous smile on his face.

  “Hey, how ‘bout we surprise Mommy like last time I came home? does sound like fun?”


     “Great. I’ll go hide in the closet and when Mommy comes out of her room, tell her that I’m not home yet. Okay?”

“Okay,” Jack replied. Then the two boys heard your voice.

    “Jack, I found a puzzle with Tigger in it,” you called form your bedroom. As soon as you walked through the door, Randy went into the hall closet as fast as he could while quietly closing the door.

     “Hmm,” you said to your son once you got to the living room “I thought I your father come in.”

      “Nope. He’s not here yet, Mommy,” Jack replied, taking the puzzle box out of your hands.

  You raised an eyebrow and smirked to yourself. “Oh, that’s too bad. The steak that I made for your father will get cold if he doesn’t get here soon.”

“Did somebody say ‘steak’,” Randy asked as he popped out of the closet.

“Daddy,” Jack laughed, “you were supposed to stay in there to scare Mommy!”

   “I know, kiddo. But you know how much I love steak.” Then Randy turned to you. “So…dinner?”

“Really, Randy,” you asked, rolling your eyes. “No kiss, or even a hug?”

    “Oh, how could I forget,“ your husband jokingly asked as he finally embraced you. He tried to kiss your lips, but couldn’t since your son put himself between you and Randy.

“Mommy. Daddy. That’s a big no-no,” Jack said, making you and Randy laugh.

“Sorry, Jack-Jack,” you said, picking him up. “But guess what.”

“What, Mommy?”

“It’s dinner time.”

“Yay!! Come on, Daddy. We’re all having steak tonight!”

Randy did a big, comical gasp. “Even you?”


“That’s my boy.”

“Of course it’ll have to be cut into small pieces, though,” you added.

“I want Daddy to do it.”

“Okay, champ. Whatever you want,” your husband agreed.

      The three of you then went into the kitchen and had dinner- steak (of course), mashed potatoes and mac n’ cheese. Once everyone was finished, Randy took Jack upstairs to put him to bed while you washed the dishes. Then your husband came back downstairs and wrapped his arms around you, hugging you from behind.

   “Whew, I completely forgot about how much Jack loves bedtime stories,” Randy sighed.

“Yeah,” you laughed, “he usually makes me read three stories a night.”

“Three!?! He just made me read five stories!”

“Aw, he misses his daddy.”

     “Yeah, well I missed him too. But I also missed my wife,” Randy replied as he kissed your the sweet spot on your neck.

    “Randy,” you moaned, “I missed you too, but not enough to make me want to have sex with you on your first day back.”

   “Oh baby, you’re breaking my heart,” your husband jokingly replied while dramatically placing his hand over his chest.

  You laughed. “I’m joking, Randy. Of course I want to have sex right now- there’s only a few things that my vibrator can do.”


“I’m joking again, baby.”

“Good, you shouldn’t be using that thing without me.”

You laughed again. Harder this time. “Come on, lets go to the bedroom.”

“I’ve been waiting for you to say those words all night.”

        You and Randy went into your bedroom and kissed with so much force but with also so much passion. Randy threw his shirt off, took off yours (leaving your bra on) and then pulled down your pants. Smiling at your lover, you slowly stepped out of them and threw your legs underneath the blanket after you tossed yourself onto your bed. Randy looked at you, confused for a moment, but he quickly got the message after you threw your panties in his face.

“I was wondering when dessert was coming,” Randy said as he licked his lips.

“Oh, it’s coming,” you replied with a smirk, “but only if you eat it right.”

    “You know I will. I’m gonna slide my tongue all over it.” Randy then slid under the blanket with you, spread your legs wide open and started to lick your clit- just like he said he would.

           Randy’s tongue went all over your moist area -there were even moments where he would dart it in and out of you. Also, your husband knew how to make you last for a very long time: he had been pleasuring you for almost a full hour. You moaned his name many times and even caressed his head as he ate you out. Your orgasm was nearing closer and closer and you were finally ready to come. That is until your son threw your bedroom door open.

“Mommy! Daddy,” Jack screamed as tears poured out of his eyes.

      “What is it, Jack,” you asked, really annoyed that you didn’t get to come. It felt like it was going to be a big one too.

    “I had a nightmare, Mommy! some bad people were hurting you and you were shouting Daddy’s name, but Daddy didn’t come!”

‘I could’ve come,’ you thought. “Don’t worry, honey. I’m okay.”

      Jack wiped his eyes with his arm while nodding his head. “Okay. Can I sleep with you and Daddy tonight,” he asked.

    “Of course, sweetie,” you replied. So Jack closed your door and climbed into bed with you, laying on the other side of the bed.

“Where’s Daddy?“

“Um, he’s underneath the blanket,” you nervously answered.

“Your father thought this would keep him safe since he had a nightmare too.”

“He did?

“Yeah. Didn’t you, Randy?“

    Your husband was talking, but his voice was muffled from his still being underneath the covers and from his head still being between your legs, which gave you a few vibrations that were enough to make you moan. Luckily you kept your moth closed that you son wouldn’t hear you.

   “You can come out now, Randy,” you said jokingly, “the scary thing is gone now.”

        Randy then popped his head out of the blanket, laughing and hugging his son with a big grin on his face. “The scary thing is gone now, champ,” he cheered, playing along with what you were saying. “You never have to be scared again, Jack. If anything or anyone ever tries to scare you again, then you can count on me to protect you.”

“You promise, Daddy,” Jack asked, with wide eyes.

“I promise, kiddo. Now get some sleep, okay?”

“Okay. Goodnight, Mommy and Daddy.”
“Goodnight, Jack,” you and Randy said at the same time.

    Ten minutes later, when you thought that Jack was asleep, you nudged Randy and whispered to him. “Randy? Are you awake?”

      “Yeah, I’m awake,” your husband answered, groggily. Clearly, he wasn’t that awake. “You, need something, babe?”

“Yes -I would like to have my panties back, if you don’t mind.”

“Oh crap, I almost forgot!”

“Daddy,” you and Randy heard your son say.

“Yes, Jack,” Randy replied.

“What are panties?”

“Oh boy.”


A/N: story count:2 down, 10 to go. But I think that after I post this one, I won’t be posting anymore requests until I get the other ones done….but I’ll still post non-requests. My inbox will stay open, just know that if you send a request, that it won’t be posted for a long time

Have a nice day/night! :)


But you’re two wonderful people who happened to fall in love and happened to have a pigmentation problem, and I think that now, no matter what kind of a case some bastard could make against your getting married, there would be only one thing worse, and that would be if - knowing what you two are and knowing what you two have and knowing what you two feel- you didn’t get married.

Forbidden Fruit

My first ever FanFic! AU story. After Fitz and Olivia face a recent heartbreak, they meet each other at a bar and end up spending the night together. What seems to be just a drunken one night stand turns into something different, for the both of them. Rated M for content and language.


One Drunken Night

The Morning After Dark

Welcome to Heartbreak, Part I

Welcome to Heartbreak, Part II

Blame It On The Alcohol

And It Kills Me


Droppin Out Of Love

Sunday Morning

Knock Knock

Break The Ice

Almost Doesn’t Count

Touch My Body



Our First Time

Are You That Somebody?

Ring The Alarm

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner

What My Mind Says

It’s Yours

Best Thing I Never Had



Beautiful Bliss