guess what time it almost is

anonymous asked:

Omg, I read good boy 4. I wasn't expecting it and almost choked when I saw it... Simply amazing, I loved it. But at the same time it left me with a strange feeling. I don't know, I'm worried a lot about Jimin. I don't want him to get hurt but I had this bad feeling at the end of the chapter. He's so into her, and before he'll get enough confidence to do something I guess it'll take time. Damn, I liked this chapter but I have this giant "what if he gets hurt?" in my head. I think I will cry!(pt1)

(pt2) she’s not mean and she’s into him too and she won’t hurt him on purpose. But what if? Can feel the pain coming. Why do you write fics so good? How is it possible to feel so many things? I want this story to end happily. I don’t know what are you planning and how you want us to feel with this fic, but damn I was about to cry at a certain point. Maybe I’m relating to this too personally, time ago I had friend I played with, fell for him and got hurt. Btw, love your fics. You’re amazing! 💜

I get what you mean! That’s always a possibility since neither one of them is being completely honest with each other, apparently. They will have a more serious talk in the next chapter :) Thank you so much for reading and for sending me feedback, I appreciate it. I’m sorry to hear you got hurt! I hope you’re doing better now and that you’ve learned something from your experience so it doesn’t happen again :(

Putting Lipstick On A Pig

by reddit user Pippinacious

Except for the whole murder thing, Courtney James seemed like a lovely young woman. She was bright, articulate, a dedicated college student and well liked waitress at a popular restaurant.

I met her when she was sitting in an interrogation room at the precinct. She was a bit on the larger side, dressed conservatively in pastel colors and minimal makeup, and when I came in, she introduced herself with a polite smile, as if we were meeting for a job interview as opposed to a police investigation. She had declined to have an attorney present, so I got right to business.

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Dan and Phil’s Liveshow // 4.27.17

First liveshow in the new house

Dan is wearing the pink Sydney shirt

Phil is wearing a new grey/blue/green? hoodie 

Random box of shit that they went through

Many box paper cuts

Moving video recap

The London Apartment was like the F.R.I.E.N.D.S apartment

They’re still going to be making videos and they brought their stuff no need to fret

The new house is a duplex

They’re still renting RIP to the dog dreams for now

They’re drowning in cardboard boxes

There’s a semi transparent glass door in the lounge

Easter baking (Phil still doesn’t know what they’re called)

“Whisk it harder” -Phil

Phil’s bedroom is going to be pretty much the same don’t get too hyped about new interior design

Dan’s bedroom will be almost completely different (apparently it looks like the moon?)

Dan got rid of the bedspread but Phil kept his (he secretly has 2 the entire time)

They are yet to meet the neighbor

“’When will you get a dog?’ I guess when the house is bought and there’s no landlord.”

The gaming background will look weirdly similar 

“Gaming lighting will be dank”

Dan’s filming area is through the door thing through the longue 

Dan didn’t want to play i spy on the flight back from Singapore what a bitch

They watched Fantastic Beasts (3/5 stars), Lion (ugly crying), Hacksaw Ridge (Dan cried the entire second half of the movie) on the flight 

They went to a night zoo in Singapore which was really cool

Phil was convinced an elephant was trying to come after him

Dan wanted to see absolutely everything 

They haven’t listened to the new Fall Out Boy song yet

They’re enjoying the new place a lot just getting adjusted 

Phil will still film in his bedroom (apparently the landlord thought he was going to film a porno)

They have a Lounge and a chill lounge (currently they’re in the chill lounge which is where they’ll film)

Dan got a white piano

Phil is constantly taking creepshots

Maybe they’ll get a fish

The Art Science Museum in Singapore was lit 

Phil the Photographer

Phil’s hood has gone up #news

Dan did a lot of crying on that trip

Basically Singapore was just really cool

Dan stuck his foot through the leg of the ripped jeans

“What is it with Australia inspiring me to paint my nails” 

#cocktus 

Phil may attempt to curl his hair for a video at some point

Phil will be away in Florida after Playlist with his family on holiday so he’ll tweet about when he’ll do the next liveshow

The 1D poster is gone #rip

The last gaming video was a good send off

This year is very much about them and their lives

Dan got a bonsai for is desk

Dan has one more dinof video filmed in the old house 

This one isn’t a forever home

“You sneaky weasels” 

“It suits him. Embrace the natural curls.” Phil on Dan’s curls

The new place doesn’t really have a name but Thor is a possibility

Phil probably wouldn’t paint his nails because he doesn’t like having stuff on his (like tattoos or pen marks) just as a personal preference 

DINOF video most likely on Monday and Dan liveshow on Tuesday

“We hope that we’re been two virtual buddies to you”

“Goodbyeeeeeee”

iconic moments from mtv scream

•"so who cares if she IS a lesbian"
•bella thorne died immediately and everyone was pretty much ok with it
•when noah went to the party and got fucking wasted after like 2 beers and they put him on the lake
•"noah are you a virgin" “no i’m a regular man slut”
•tyler was like a huge deal but he had nothing to do with anything
•when audrey flipped will in front of everyone and whispered “how does it feel to take it in front of everyone” in the most menacing and badass voice i’ve ever heard in my young life
•THE BOWLING ALLEY EPISODE THE BOWLING ALLEY EPISODE
•brooke taped a knife to a stick and noah was like “wow she’s so badass” but all she did was duct tape a knife to a stick
•the Daisy song which was honestly a banger
•that time emma kept seeing the ghost of will but he was like cut in half haha ew
•"noah do you know how to use a gun" “yeah” and then he immediately handed it to audrey
•when piper was revealed to be the killer and she went “hashtag mind blown” to remind us all that this show was on MTV
•WELCOME HOME GIRL INTERRUPTED
• jake’s last text message ever sent was “jakey likey :) we good?”
•THE SPIKED BOOZE THE AYAHUASCA THE THREEWAY KISS BETWEEN ZOE AND NOAH AND AUDREY WTF
•eli ? just like eli in general
•jake’s body fell on brooke and it showed everyone’s reactions and the face audrey made was like :/
•that time audrey literally almost knocked noah out with a bookend
•that time audrey DID knock noah out with chloroform
•when noah was guessing audrey’s phone passwords and he put in “noah” and then looked offended when it didn’t work
•when they like ran into branson at the movies??? and they all dragged him??? in front of him???
•eli sneaking into those ppl’s house just to make toast and watch em sleep
•when the model home caught on fire and emma was like “we can’t just leave!!!!” and eli was like “yes we can just leave and that’s what we’re doing lmao”
•that bitch HALEY who died SUCKING DICK
•"hey zoe! zoe-ologist"
•audrey and emma paused to argue about their relationship while literally standing over noah’s coffin when he was buried alive and rapidly losing blood
•stavo visited noah in the hospital and did that thing where he grabbed his foot? and he drew him a comic awww
•emma and audrey got increasingly gay as season 2 progressed
•"you know it wasn’t me. except that’s…..what the killer would say!!! haha it’s not me. it’s really not me.“
•the reveal of kieran THA SNAKE wilcox
•"haha” -kieran
• the Memorable emrey movie date
•the weird halloween special that accomplished nothing but at least everyone was wearing floral
•the whole show?

“I know he loves her now,” she said, “and I’m only a memory that he tries not to visit too often.” She paused, looking so at peace, but in the saddest way possible. “I guess I just hope that he thinks of me from time to time. When he sees a sunset too beautiful for words, or when our favorite artist releases a new song, or when he passes my street. I just hope that sometimes he remembers what it felt like to be nineteen and so in love that it was almost like your heart might burst. I hope that he smells my old perfume and he can’t shake the picture of me running outside of my house, barefoot, to jump into his arms. I just want our love to still be important, you know? I just… I hope it lingers.”

“It sounds like a beautiful memory,” I told her. “How could he forget?”

She smiled. “Darling, everything fades with time. Even the most vivid of moments — realizing, for the first time, you’re in love, or your first kiss, or even the day it all came crashing down around you — fade as new moments pass. I just hope I was important enough to last a little while longer.”

—  excerpt from an unfinished book #136 // Thinking of you because Ed Sheeran released a new song

ocean man, take me by the hand lead me to the land,

Truth or Truth

Requested anonymously: A one shot where the reader has never been able to orgasm through masturbation. When Dean finds out, he offers to help.

Warning: smut, masturbation

Word Count: 2300

A/N: Hope you enjoy, anon! XOXO

“Truth or truth?” Dean asks, grinning a little sideways in that way that lets you know he’s just the right amount of drunk.

Truth or truth is the game you play when you’re both feeling a little wound up, needing to blow off some steam. You’re too old for stupid dares and too nervous for dares that might actually make you touch each other, so you settle for sticking to truths. It never amounts to anything, but you both enjoy the sexy words said in the dark as you lie together on one bed, a bottle being passed between you, like you have a life and a personality outside of monsters.

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history of the entire world, i guess; a transcript

hi. you’re on a rock, floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it, actually most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you. how did this happen? a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why its been everywhere. it’s been so everywhere, you don’t need a “where”. you don’t even need a “when”. that’s how “every” it gets. (pause). forget this. i wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start. and that’s exactly where it started. (background noise) woah. i… paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing, in a place. don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet. it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. (about no seconds later). great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three called a “proton” or a “neutron”. and there’s something else flying around too that wants to join in but can’t cause it’s still to (HOT). (about ten minutes later). great news! the protons and the neutrons are now happily married to each other (some of them even doubled up). (about 380,000 years later). great news, the electrons have now joined in. congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together. it’s a staaaar. new shit just got made. some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into even crazier space dust. so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kinda made a mess. which is now the moon. weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside them and now there’s Hot Steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava. weather update: its raining. severe flooding alert: the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert: that’s land. there’slifeintheocean. what? something’s alive in the ocean. oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no. a microscopic speck! it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup which is being served hot and fresh made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever. oh yeah, and it can do that. it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight. using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun. side effect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue. then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while, maybe even a coupla times. it’s a sponge, it’s a plant, it’s a worm and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it’s the Cambrian explosion. “wow, that’s animals and stuff.” but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NoO. why? the sun is a deadly lazer. oh okay. not anymore there’s a blanket. now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land! “nope, can’t walk yet. and there’s no food yet so i don’t care.” (100 million years later) ok, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here? “maybe,” said some bugs, and fish. “uh. uh. uh.” (five million years later) “ok so i can go on land but i have to go back in the water to have babies.” (idea) learn to use an egg. “i was already doing that.” use a stronger egg, and put water in it, have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg, baby, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean. aaand now everything is huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. ah fuck, now everything’s dead. just kidding here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one because its about to become the dinosaurs. here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. and the dinosaurs are gone. its mammal time! here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they’re gonna dominate the world, and one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like ‘that’. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make… pointed rocks. “ouch.” and set things on fire. “yeouch.” and make crazy sounds with their voice (“gneurshk.”) which can mean different things. that’s a human person. and now they’re everywhere, almost. ice age. what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore. i guess we’re stuck here now.

let’s review. there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food. fuck it, time to plant some grass. look at this, i control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next. more food, and more people who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in, and people to make the houses. and now there’s more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come. and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people. and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power. sociiiety. coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing bronze, made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land. i don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what - egypt. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also, china. and did i mention indusrivervalleycivilization. norte chico. the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it’s in the middle of the east. knock knock- er, clop clop, it’s the people with the horses? and they made an empire! and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks, or a beta version of the greeks. let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization. they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china. new arrivals in india. maybe it’s thosehorsepeopleiwastalkingabout or theircousinsorsomething. and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff. you could make a religion out of this. there’s the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business. also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in god. just one though, he’s got like a ten step program. here’s some huge heads, must be the olmec. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. nevermind it’s the babylonian- median- it’s the persian empire. “wow, that’s big.” ah, the buddha was just enlightened! who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea, he was…great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it’s chandragupta, he says, “get the hell out of here, will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? ok thanks bye; time to conquer all of india- or most of india”. but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve got spices. who would like to buy the spices? “me,” said the arabians, swiftly buying them and selling them to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again with good morals as their main philosophy. actually they have three main philosophies. out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload! “bye,” said the parthians, “bye,” said the jews. “hi,” said the parthians, taking over the entire place. “heyyyyyyyy,” said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. “hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular, and then gets arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china! they just made a brand new road to the world…or you can get there on water. “sick, new trade routes,” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again. “remember the persian empire? yup,” said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together. china is whole again…then it broke again. still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels. “hell yeah, now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves. “hi i live in the roman empire and i was wondering, is loving jesus legal yet?” “no” “actually ok sure,” said constantine, moving the capitol way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall. it’s the golden age of india. there’s the gupta empire. not chandragupta, just gupta, first name chandra, the first. guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. or actually, just half is just fine. but it’s not in rome anymore so let’s give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the staaars. oh, and here’s a huge city, population everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together. how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear, so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods, and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this. and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors. here’s all the wisdom, in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom, just in time for the islamic golden age. “let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise, you’re the new roman emperor,” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france. the northerners, or just norse if you don’t have that much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north, and they find some land. two types of land, and they name them accordingly. they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as vikings. there’s the rus, the kievan rus. are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. ok, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire, the holy roman empire. it’s actually germany but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms! christianizeallthekingdoms. which brand would you like? “mine’s better,” “mine’s better,” “mine’s better”. “time to conquer england,” said william. it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the seljuk turks. “ahh!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small it almost doesn’t exist anymore, “we need help!” they need help, so they call the pope. “hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you wanna take back the holy land.” “yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.” crusade. they did many crusades, some of which almost didn’t fail, but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs, goodbye toltecs, hello mississippi. look at those mounds. there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who’s here? khmer. where? here, and pagan is there, and vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis. i bet that will last a long time! some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time. i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold. look at this chad (means lake), there’s an empire there, right in the middle of africa. the king of mali is so rich he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said. the christians are doing a great job of conquering iberia which will soon be called spain and not spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you are still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming. china’s back, yay. hey khmer, time to share, new kingdoms here and there. oh look who controls all the islands, its the mahajapit. majahapit, mapajahit, mahapajit, mapajahit, majapahit? oh, italy’s really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth. here’s a printer, lets make books. so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? “yep,” said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. whoops, you missed a spot; don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. “what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless. well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india. “wait,” said christopher colombus, probably smoking crack, “if the world is round, lets go this way to india!” “nah, don’t worry we already got this,” said portugal. so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to go find india by going around back of the world?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.” “please?” “ok.” so he sails into the ocean, and discovers more ocean, and then discovers ‘the indies’ and ‘japan’. let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other. move over lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let’s make it the other kind of islam, the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy. hey christians, do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell. “that’s bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that’s a scam, fuck the church, here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. “you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman, wearing an onion hat, “what if the ottoman empire was really big, which it is now.”  “what if russia was big,” said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade, and then that dream was real. and spain realised that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” question one: can you get to india through north america? no, but at least there’s beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question but the dutch did it anyway. sugar. guess where all the sugar’s made? in brazil. stolen! in the carribean, and it’s so goddamn profitable you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world, more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did, it’s britain. guess who’s broke? also britain. so they start taxing the hell out of america.

“fuck you,” says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it. france helps them win, now france is broke. and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? “let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a reli- no don’t. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?” wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back. luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin america wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains, and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. “hey china,” said britain, “buy stuff from us.” “nah, dude we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked actually, but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy-fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afganistan. also the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now, that’s just where he lives. india had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before. technology is about to go crazy. the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. “it’s bad,” they decided. and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land, and maybe kick out the mexicans too. “i know, let’s rape africa,” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia.  britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand. the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more. hawaii. cuba. wait spain controls cuba. “well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on them? let’s blame the maine on spain!” so they blame the maine on spain. now we’re in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go. china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns. it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany. russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government. now everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism, in the soviet union. the arabs revolt, and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind. “let’s cut the cake,” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire. except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey. and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. hello? yes, it’s the 1920s calling. let’s get in a car and drive to a party and listen to the jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy’s great and it’ll probably be great forever. just kidding. germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model. he’s mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all the jews is a bad idea, but he kills himself before they could explain it to him. that’s world war two. bonus round: pacific showdown, united states versus japan. fight! finish him. let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace. seems legit. “hi i’m gandhi and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india i’m going to starve myself in public. wow, that worked?” bonus: now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans. one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me”, they both said at the same time. “let’s divide up the land so everyone’s happy.” sike! they both get angrier. look out china, there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! “no thanks,” said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china. there’s the korean war, korea versus korea, nobody wins, then it’s on pause forever. let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. fight! wait no that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. “i’ll race you to space. now let’s make some more countries fight themselves.” europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map, with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let’s check the world population. woah. okay. technology’s better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money; except britain because they don’t feel like it. let’s check the mail. surprise! it’s on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america, i bet they’ll remember that. phone call, surprise, it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise, it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket. whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to. surprise, flying robots! with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic. “let’s save the planet,” said everybody, not knowing how. “let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we?

So the new BioWare game… exists?

It’s funny, I guess they’ve been burned by overselling their products so many times they’ve just stopped actually saying what they are.

I’ve been thinking about this since that Kotaku article about how Andromeda fell on its face. I feel like one of BioWare’s biggest issues is their inability to figure out who they are, and the lack of confidence to stand by it. One of their biggest flaws over ME’s lifespan has been the almost neurotic over-reaction to fan complaints. It’s in their entire history. Don’t like the elevator load screens? Replaced with even more boring generic graphic load screens! Economy and inventory system a bit badly designed? Get rid of all inventory! FemShep’s run isn’t ‘feminine’ (????) enough? Give her a laughably exaggerated hip-sway!

You look at a franchise like Uncharted, and see a dev who decided what they were about and stuck to it, and did it well. And granted, their gameplay didn’t exactly chart (hoho) new waters. But that didn’t matter because they decided what kind of game they wanted and they made four of them. And they weren’t flawless games, either. But they stuck to their damned guns and as a result they have a quadrology story that will be well-regarded for a long time. Meanwhile, CDR spent a lot of effort on creating an amazingly powerful cutscene animator engine for the Witcher games, and the result was a third game packed with character moments that will also stand the test of time.

Dragon Age has fared a little bit better over the years because if its pedigree as a fantasy RPG. It was able to cling to gameplay conventions that ultimately gave the whole franchise an underlying direction, even when they were having trouble finding a good line to walk between story and open world.

Mass Effect, on the other hand, spent ten years… flailing. It bleeds out of that Kotaku article. Their grasp of what made ME special was apparently so weak they spent the majority of Andromeda’s five year dev cycle on vaporware. They’re still desperate to please both the hardcore shooter set and the RPGers, for some reason. They crammed in an MP no one asked for, which, despite in itself being a decent little game, had strong and IMO negative blowback into the single player game. (I would forgive the MP if it didn’t affect SP development, but it did. A LOT.) 

I can’t help but think BioWare spends a lot of time apologizing for being a storytelling dev. It’s almost embarrassed by the notion that a lot of people play for the characters and relationships rather than the video game mechanics. Its biggest problem is a decade-long identity crisis it can’t seem to resolve. And the result is Andromeda, where the strengths we know and love are grossly underserved by a mishmash of problems that evolved out of trying to be everything to everyone and never deciding who they actually are.

I’m honestly kind of tired of it. We’ll see if this new franchise manages to stake out an identity, and, I don’t know, stand up for it.

speaking of being a massive ecology nerd, guess what season it is, folks! That’s right, it’s FLEDGLING BIRD SEASON here in North America, which means it’s time for an annual reminder that most species of birds have almost no sense of smell. Someone probably told you that if you touch a baby bird, the mother will smell you on it and reject her baby. THAT IS NOT THE CASE. 

Pictured: a young Mourning Dove, after being rescued from the tender mercies of my dog, circa spring 2005. It’s a fledgling! Note how it has most of its feathers, but still looks a bit awkward and scruffy, and, being unable to properly fly, can be caught by an elderly husky or a child. 

  • Hatchlings: IF it is covered in fluffy down (or partly naked) and cannot flutter successfully, it’s a hatchling, and has fallen from its nest prematurely. Look for the nest- if you find it and can reach it, return baby and then gtfo and let the parents return. If you can’t find the nest, or if you find it in pieces on the ground, use a small box lined with dryer lint or dog hair or similar fluff and attach as close as possible to where you found the bird or where you think the nest was. Return baby!!!! 
  • Fledglings: If you spot a young bird covered with feathers on the ground, chances are it’s a fledgling (bird tween, can flutter) who is not doing well in flying 101, but it is probably NOT injured or sick. Hanging out on the ground is part of the learning to fly process! If it looks like it’s in immediate danger (i.e. of being run over, stepped on, or eaten by a cat or dog), the best thing you can do for it is to gently scoop it up and place it in the branches of a nearby tree or shrub, and then LEAVE. The parents are likely nearby, and will return once the coast is clear of humans/predators. If it flutter-hops away from you and you can’t catch it, then don’t worry! It just successfully avoided a predator (you), and therefore can probably continue to do so. 
  • DON’T DON’T DON’T: Try to feed it, bring it into your house or car, or take it to your local vet or animal shelter. 
  • IF it IS actually for-real injured, you can catch it and contact a local wildlife rehabilitation professional (and then listen to whatever they tell you), but keep in mind that they get a LOT of fledgling birds, and those birds have a pretty high mortality rate. They may tell you that there is nothing you or they can do but allow nature to take its course, and that’s hard, but important to hear and respect.
Yuri on Ice 2017/02/11 all night event report

I’m back from the event and I’ll write a report before going to sleep, mostly because I’m sure I will not be able to decipher my scribbles when I wake up… It’s not the full talk show since you can’t record it and also I couldn’t possibly write down everything, but I tried to take note of most things, especially stuff that has never been mentioned elsewhere. In the end it became quite long so I guess I was able to get most of the stuff down…

Needless to say it’s my notes, so other people might write about parts I omitted, etc. To be honest quite a few of the things they said especially in the beginning, like what the seiyuu think about their characters, is something I’ve read so many times in interviews that I could almost answer in their place, lol… I was a bit disappointed that one of the questions that was answered is the one about Chris’ mysterious acquaintance, because actually Kubo answered that in Pash already (it’s in the Q&A part I’ll be translating later), and I hoped they would feature questions about stuff that hasn’t been explained yet. Well I guess not everybody reads interviews, but still…

Due to the format of the report you can find my comments here and there, mostly in brackets.
Under the cut because it’s long.

I forgot to mention something important: the ones participating in the talk show were Mitsurou Kubo, Toshiyuki Toyonaga (Yuuri), Junichi Suwabe (Victor), Kouki Uchiyama (Yurio).

Keep reading

Stop staring at me with them big ol’ eyes

look I’m so excited for exo season? I can’t wait for the teaser pics released one by one, the mass guessing about what concept they’ll have that is always wrong, when the choreo video leaks one day before release, just seeing them all together and making a clean sweep on music shows, having a whole new album AND the inevitable repackage to listen to all summer plus having the exo fans come back to tumblr…i’m just so ready for this?

psychic: reads my mind
me: hi, you’re on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it. actually, most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
a long time ago… actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why it’s been everywhere. it’s been so “everywhere,” you don’t need a “where.” you don’t even need a “when.” that’s how “every” it gets.
forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start.
and that’s exactly where it started.
big bang— pause
woah. i paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing! in a place! don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet! it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.
about no seconds later
great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a “proton” and a “neutron.” and there’s something else flying around that wants to join in, but can’t cause it’s too HOT.
ten minutes later
great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up.
about 380,000 years later
great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now… a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together…
ten million years later
and it’s getting closer together…
500 million years later
and it’s getting closer togeth—
star is born
it’s a star
new shit just got made!
some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit.
space dust!
which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust!
so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example.
meteor hits earth
holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of… made a mess. which is now the moon
weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space.
weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside of them and now there’s hot steam in the sky.
weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava.
weather update… it’s raining.
severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean.
volcano alert.
that’s land!
there'slifeintheocean
what?
something’s alive in the ocean
oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
microscopic speck asexually reproduces
oh yeah, and it can do that.
reproduces three more times
it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say.
tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
now you can eat sunlight!
using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food.
taste the sun!
side effect, now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue.
then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times.
it’s a sponge… it’s a plant… it’s a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.
it’s the Cambrian explosion: “wow, that’s animals and stuff”
but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land?
NO
why?
the sun is a deadly laser
oh okay.
not anymore, there’s a blanket
now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land!
“nope, can’t walk yet.”
“and there’s no food yet, so i don’t care.”
100 million years later
okay, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here?
“maybe,” said some bugs. and fish.
fish gasps for air
five million years later
okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies!
idea: learn to use an egg.
“i was already doing that”
use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.
works for me. bye bye ocean
50 million years later
and now everything’s huge. including bugs.
wanna see a map of the land? sure.
Permian extinction
oh, fuck, now everything’s dead.
just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it’s about to become
75 million years later
the dinosaurs.
here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor.
meteor strikes
and the dinosaurs are gone
it’s mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts.
now they’re gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
“ouch”
and set things on fire.
“yeouch”
and make crazy sounds with their voice:
“gneurshk”
which can mean different things.
that’s a human person!
and now they’re everywhere. almost.
ice age!
what? you can walk over here? cool.
not anymore
well i guess we’re stuck here now.
let’s review: there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food.
fuck it. time to plant some grass.
look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food.
this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this.
tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground.
better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping.
guess what happens next?
more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there’s more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power,
Society
coming soon to a dank river valley near you.
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?
tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what?
egypt
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also,
china
and did i mention
indus river valley civilization
society count: 5

norte chico
the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it’s in the middle of the east.
knock knock, er, clop clop. it’s the… people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses.
greeks!
ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks.
let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization: they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china.
new arrivals from india… maybe it’s those horse people i was talking about… or their cousins or something…
and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff…
you could make a religion out of this.
there’s the bronze age collapse.
now the phoenicians can get down to business
also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks.
look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel.
and they believe in God
just one though, and he’s got like a ten-step program.
here’s some huge heads. must be the olmecs.
the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.
here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it’s the babyloni— media—
it’s the Persian Empire: “wow, that’s big”
enlightenment
ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this.
oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
enlightenment
ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.
and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea. he was… great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
knock knock, it’s chandragupta. he says “get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye”
time to conquer all of india
er
most of india
but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve gotspices!
who would like to buy the spices? “me!” said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies:
confucianism: have good morals
taoism: go with the flow
legalism: fuck you, obey the law
out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.
nomads ransack china
let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload.bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.
heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
“hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this.
want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world.
conquers vietnam
or you can get there on water
“sick! new trade routes!” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.
hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again.
remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one.
axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick.
has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together.
china is whole again…
…then it broke again
still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels.
“hell yeah! now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves.
“hi, i’m a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering
is loving jesus legal yet?”
“no”
“actually, okay sure,” said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall.
it’s the golden age of india
there’s the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first.
guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it’s not in rome anymore, so let’s give it a new name.
the mayans have figured out the stars
oh, and here’s a huge city, population: everyone.
the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks.
how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together.
how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them.
korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.
intermission
deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well.
the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors.
here’s all the wisdom. in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age!
“let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast.
remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now.
wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise! you’re the new roman emporer!” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france.
the northerners, er, just “norse” if you don’t have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly.
prankd
they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as “vikings.”
there’s the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough.
the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it’s actually germany, but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms—
CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!!
which brand would you like?
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“time to conquer england,” said william.
it’s a bird! it’s a plane! it’s the seljuk turks!
“aah!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small and almost doesn’t exist anymore. “we need help!” they need help! so they call the pope.
“hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.”
“yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.”
crusade!
they did many crusades. some of which almost didn’t fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.
goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds.
there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.
guess who’s here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.
china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time.
some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.
is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time.
i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold.
look at this chad! it means “lake.” there’s an empire there! right in the middle of africa!
the king of mali is so rich, he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said.
the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you’re still christian when you least expect.
whoops, half of europe just died.
ming! china’s back, yay!
hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there.
oh, look who controls all of the islands. it’s the mahajapit.
majahapit.
mapajahit.
mahapajit.
mapajahit.
ma-ja-pa-hit?
oh, italy’s real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth.
here’s a printer. let’s make books!
so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.
“what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless.
“well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india”
“wait!” said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. “if the world is round, let’s go this way to india.”
“nah, don’t worry, we already got this,” said portugal.
so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?”
“no”
“please?”
“no”
“please?”
“wtf”
“no”
“please?”
“…okay”
so he sails into the ocean, and discovers… more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent.
the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other.
move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again.
move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again.
let’s make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy.
hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell!
“that’s bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that’s a scam. fuck the church. here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.
“you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman wearing an onion hat. “what if the ottoman empire was… really big?” which it is now.
“what if russia was big?” said ivan, trying not to be terrible.
portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real.
and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.”
question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there’s beaver.
question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.
and sugar… guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it’s so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery.
the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger.
britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did! it’s britain.
guess who’s broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. “fuck you!” says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent.
wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?
“let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.
you could make a rel— no, don’t.
haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?”
wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back!luckily, they banished him to another island.
there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.
britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.
“hey, china!” said britain. “buy stuff from us!” “nah, dude, we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island.
britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan.
also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now:“that’s just where he lives.”
india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before.
incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE
technology is about to go crazy!
the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it’s bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.
“i know! let’s rape africa!” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia…
britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand…
the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more:
hawaii!
cuba!
wait, spain controls cuba.
well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain?
u.s.s. maine sinks
“let’s blame the maine on spain.”
so they blame the maine on spain.
now we’re in business.
to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.
britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go…
china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government.
europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany.
russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union…
the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind.
“let’s cut the cake!” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire.
except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey!
and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do.
phone rings
hello? yes, it’s the 1920’s calling. let’s get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding.
germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he’s mad at the jews for existing.
japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it.
hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that’s world war two!
bonus round! pacific showdown
united states vs. japan
FIGHT!!
united states drops two extinction balls on japan
FINISH HIM!
let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit.
“hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india, i’m going to starve myself in public.”
britain leaves
“wow, that worked?”
bonus! now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later.
the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me!” they both said at the same time. let’s divide up the lands so we’re both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier!
look out, china! there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china…?
there’s the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever.
let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs.
“i’ll race you to space.”
united states plants a flag on the moon
now let’s make more countries fight themselves.
europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by.
the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it.
let’s check the world population!
woah. okay.
technology is better too, that might keep happening.
the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.
europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don’t feel like it.
let’s check the mail… surprise! it’s on the computer!
whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they’ll remember that.
phone call! surprise! it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket!
whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to.
surprise!… flying robots. with bombs.
wanna print a brain?
some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic!
“let’s save the planet!” said everybody, not knowing how.
“let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool.
by the way, where the hell are we?
thanks for watching history
i hope i mentioned everything
psychic: what the fuck

A Deal With The Devil

The deal was simple, we’d get to ask him a couple of questions and he got to ask us a couple of questions. A bit odd if you ask me. What could The Devil possibly want to know from us? I couldn’t tell you.

“Is heaven real?” I asked.

“Yes,” he replied, his voice like dying embers in a fireplace, “and so is hell.”

“Who goes to heaven?”

“Whoever God wants there.”

“I’m afraid that’s much too vague for us.”

“What’s that like?” he asked, his eyes perking up.

“I’m sorry?”

“What’s it like to be afraid?”

A bit confused, I tried my best to describe the feeling of fear. My explanation was a bit clumsy but he appeared to be satisfied with it.

“Why’d you want to know that?” I asked.

“Because when God made me, he didn’t give me the ability to feel fear. I can’t feel lots of things.”

“What can you feel?”

“Pain.”

I got us back on track.

“Can you elaborate on your answer from before? About heaven?”

“Of course. Heaven is open to all of God’s creations, whatever they do.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. When I was called in, the people in charge told me that my primary objective was to secure information on how humanity could get to heaven. With that sorted, anything else I gathered was a bonus.

“Are you going to heaven too? Since you were created by God,” I asked.

“I could, but I won’t,” he replied.

“Why?”

“Because I committed the most egregious sin. I did something only God was supposed to do.”

“What’s that?”

“I tried to create angels. They didn’t work out. My angels were made in my image, so I guess I’m to blame. All they do is cause suffering and destruction, so God said they had to go to hell, to suffer for an eternity”

“You mean the demons?”

“Yes, I guess I do. I couldn’t go to heaven, not while my creations were suffering. So I decided that when the time came, I would travel to hell and suffer with them.”

“Why?”

“Because I love them.”

I checked my watch, “Time’s almost up.”

“Yes it is.” he replied.

“I have to go back and get debriefed.” I said, preparing to leave the facility. “They’ll be ecstatic when they get the good news.”

“And what might that be?”

“That no matter what we do, we’re going to heaven.”

“But you’re not, or anyone else for that matter.”

“But,” I said, my voice wavering, “You said…”

“Yes, I know what I said my child. But you’re not one of God’s creations,” he said with a tone I would mistake for sadness if I didn’t know better,

“You’re one of mine.”

Yuri on Ice BD audio commentary translation - Volume 3

Translation of the audio commentary of the BD/DVD vol.3, by Mitsurou Kubo and Junichi Suwabe, voice actor of Victor Nikiforov. I really wanted to post this before the weekend because I’m not going to be home a lot, so I decided “well, I might just not sleep tonight and translate this instead”… This time there are some parts that I translated almost integrally. They talk a lot about Victor, especially Suwabe’s struggle to get into the role. It provides insight while at the same time not providing… since apparently it’s very hard to guess what is “right” when talking about Victor. I’m sure you will get what I mean if you read what they say…

The commentary is only for episode 6. Episode 5 has no commentary. It’s not a full translation but I summarized most of what they said, and as I wrote above some parts are almost completely translated. As in the previous ones, the format is different from normal interview translations, and you can find my comments too (mostly in brackets).

Translation under the post because it’s long. Enjoy!


Keep reading

(De)Evolution of Dylan’s Hair

A snapshot spanning two years…  

From super short, clean cut and preppy to the turning point after the ‘January Incident’ with the progression of longer hair and a temporary romantically wavy look just for Senior photos and then finally scraggly, disheveled and ‘clown like’ sticking out from his ball cap mere weeks before the massacre.  (note: some are approximate guesses in lieu of dates.)

“To most people, I appear … well … almost scary, but that’s who I appear to be as people are afraid of what they don’t understand.  I denied who I was for a long time. Until high school…. “

  • noctis has fallen asleep on everyone at least once
  • scratch that - a fuckton of times
  • gladio is his favorite to sleep on because he’s so warm what is this sorcery
  • gladio doesn’t really mind anymore because hey the kid is tired let him sleep
  • noctis sometimes just fuckin keels over in the car and at this point gladio just pulls him into his lap and keeps talking because yes this is perfectly normal
  • he just kinda puts his hand on noct’s back and rubs it if it seems like he’s having a nightmare and it always helps at least a little bit
  • even if he still has a nightmare waking up to gladio right there is always really comforting
  • ignis is pretty good too??? like noctis has known him for so long that it’s honestly just natural
  • noctis will just lean on his shoulder when he gets tired and it startles him a little bit but as noct’s adviser he’s pretty used to things like that
  • honestly it’s impressive that he can continue whatever he’s doing with a straight face when noct’s hair keeps tickling his neck
  • (“highness you need a haircut, come here” “if you come any closer with those scissors i swear i will jump in that lake and literally become a fucking fish don’t test me on this ignis i s w e a r”)
  • in other words, that never changes
  • but having fluffy hair is good for something (annoying your local mom friend™)
  • ignis often ends up with his fingers resting lightly on noct’s shoulder
  • he isn’t quite sure if that’s more for noctis’ comfort or his anymore but neither of them are complaining
  • it’s just nice to know they aren’t alone and that they’re safe for the time being
  • prompto still fucking dies if noctis falls asleep on him because ???
  • it eases the doubts he has about his self-worth (at least for a little while) 
  • because noctis trusts him enough to let his guard down around him and ahhh even if they’ve been friends for forever it’s like???? he’s just so happy he’s on this stupid road trip and they’re alive
  • he always smiles really big and runs his fingers through noct’s hair
  • he’s really cuddly and always tries to be quieter for noctis’ sake
  • the key word there is ‘tries
  • since noctis is tired 99.9% of the time this happens almost daily but hey
  • no one is complaining

part one 

Jealous much

(A/N): I decided why the hell not do a poly relationship?

Request:  Can you do an imagine where the reader loves Bucky/Steve, but he has a girlfriend and when the reader decides to move on he gets jealous or something ? ( please make it angst at first and then really fluffy at the end ) thank you 😊

Warnings: jealous super soldiers, swearing

Tags: @mcuimxgine, @ifoundlove-x0vanessa0x, @saradi1018,  @holland-toms,  @superwholockian309@fly-f0rever, @capbuckthor, @livandlilah


Originally posted by marvxl-trash

   You sip at your drink sadly, your spirits had been depleted hours ago and all you wanted to do was go to your room and sleep until Sunday but seeing as how this was Bucky’s 100th birthday that would be rude. So now here you were, drinking all alone in the corner of Tony’s bar as everyone danced and had a fan-fucking-tastic time, or more specifically Bucky and Steve.

   You wanted to growl in annoyance when you looked over at the rugged super soldiers, all tall and thick and- God no, you needed to stop thinking like that. They were your teammates for Christ’s sake and here you were, ogling at them. It’s not like it would ever work out anyways…they had girlfriends and damn good looking ones too. Steve had Sharon, beautiful, slender, badass Sharon and Bucky had some girl named Dot, some cute curly red haired, green eyed innocent little thing and well- you had no one but yourself and a bottle of scotch.

   With a dry chuckle you drink another shot, allowing the burning liquid to soothe your pain.

   You had no right to be jealous, they were never yours to begin with, what made you feel entitled enough to dictate who they dated or fell in love with? The last one sticks to your tongue, making the burning in your throat a million times worse.

   What if Bucky and Steve both fell in love with someone other than you? What if they settled down, finally started a family, and you never got the chance to tell them how much you loved them? Tears begin to pinprick your eyes but you refuse to let them fall, this was a joyous occasion, it was Bucky’s big one hundred for fucks sake, you couldn’t cry now but you could drown your sorrows in your lovely scotch. You take another swig of the burning liquid, allowing it to simmer in your mouth before gliding down your throat, leaving an even more unpleasant burning feeling. You cough a but, trying to rid your throat of the horrid burning when suddenly there’s a hand upon your shoulder, grasping it gently.

   “Heya,” You look back only to come face to face with a stranger- but a rather attractive one at that. “I’m Brent,” You smile to the best of your ability, cringing lightly at yourself.

   “I’m (Y/N),”

   “(Y/N)’s a very pretty name,” You blush a bit. God, you were blushing, how sad are you?

  “Thank you,”

   “So um- I saw you over here drinking scotch alone and I thought maybe you’d like to go dancing with me?” You let your eyes linger on the man, brown hair, blue eyes, a gorgeous jaw and the perfect height; he was like the love child of Steve and Bucky himself and you were more than attracted to him.

   “I can’t promise I won’t step on your feet,” Brent chuckles as he takes your hand in his, gingerly as possible as though you were made of porcelain.

   “A few broken toes is no big deal,” You laugh as you make your way to the dance floor, the intoxicating music slowly starting to get to you. All around people were dancing, some more reserved but for the most part everyone was grinding on each other, having a damn good time and well- you deserved to have a damn good time too. Immediately Brent’s hands settle upon your waist as you slowly begin to move to the best of the music. A little grind here, a little grind there. Before you know it the two of you are practically dry humping and amidst other people as well. It felt so dirty but it felt oh so right too. You bite your lip as you allow yourself to succumb to the moment, to let yourself finally be free of anything other than Brent’s hands upon your waist and the way his cock ever so deliciously-

   “(Y/N).” There was a dangerous growl, low and throaty and more than intimidating. You slowly open your eyes, feeling rather drunk on the music and Brent, and you slowly focus in on the two figures ahead of you, each one with their arms folded over their chest in an almost defensive manner. “(Y/N), can we talk to you? In private-” It was Bucky. It was Bucky and Steve both standing there, staring at you disapprovingly. Oh god- what had you done? What was wrong? Did they somehow did out about your love for them? Or maybe it was something worse?

   A million thoughts start swimming through your mind as you slowly step away from Brent, giving him a soft apology before stepping up to the two super soldiers.

   Their gaze upon you was scary, a dark almost predatory like look to them. You’d seen this look a thousand times before, usually directed at Tony or some enemies but never you. God- to get them to look at you like that meant you had to have done something horrible. Guess you’d be finding out in a few minutes… 


   The elevator ride up to Bucky and Steve’s shared floor was tense, with one soldier on either side of you, making you feel small and rather childlike. There was an almost angry air surrounding the two of them and it scared you more than anything.

   You replayed the last week in your mind, trying to figure out what you had done wrong. You had done all your training sessions, every mission was a success, you had bought Bucky a birthday present; what else was there that you could have messed up? Your throat runs dry as the elevator dings and both soldiers make their way out, thus forcing them out with you.

   “You guys-” your voice is shy and timid at best. “What’s going on? Why are you so angry?” Both Steve and Bucky chuckle, shaking their heads as though they were amused.

   “You really don’t know why were angry?” Bucky’s tone sends shivers down your spine, and not the pleasant kind either.

   “N-no,”

   “How about the fact you were essentially fucking some stranger right on the dance floor, does that ring a bell?” Steve’s tone is just as dark and it scares you more than anything else.

   “I-I’m sorry, everyone else was doing it, I-I thought it was okay,”

   “All that man was trying to do was get down your pants,” For some reason now is when your nerves return, full force at that too. You went from scared and helpless to confident and angry in only a matter of seconds.

   “And why do you care Rogers? Maybe you should focus less on me and more on that girlfriend of yours,” Steve growls as he suddenly lunges for you, pinning you to the wall behind you.

   “What if I don’t want anyone down these pants, hmm? What if I want you all to myself, ever thought of that?” You gulp as you look at Steve, at the dark look upon his face and the intimidating look in his eyes. “What if Bucky wanted you, what then? What if we both want you but you’re too fucking oblivious to all our attempts?” You look to Bucky who shares the same look with Steve, dark and intimidating.

   His words don’t even set in for a few moments as you play them over and over again in your head, mulling each word, syllable, and vowel meticulously.

   "Wait…you both- you both want me?”

   “Fuck yes,” Bucky growls, his voice lower than you had ever heard. “Wanted you since the moment we laid eyes on you doll,” You squirm withing Steve’s grasp, looking between the two men uncomfortably. It wasn’t exactly nice to be pinned by Steve or to have him and Bucky glaring straight daggers at you.

   “What about Sharon and dot?”

   “No,” Bucky shakes his head. “They don’t count- they’re not you, they’re not as special,” You gulp as Steve’s face looms over you, his rather scary gaze only making your heart rate increase.

   “This isn’t some kind of sick joke?” You whisper timidly, a bit too scared to know the answer. If Bucky and Steve were lying that meant a world of heartache for you but if they said yes that meant a million other things- two personal furnaces to keep you warm at night, more coffee to make in the mornings, more love to share and receive-

   “No, how many times do we have to say that we want you (Y/N)?” Steve’s voice is right beside your ear, sending almost pleasurable sparks up your spine.

   You sigh shakily as his words finally set in, Bucky and Steve wanted you, the two men you’d fallen in love with wanted you just as much as you wanted them. Steve goes to say something else, his lips in a near snarl when you pounce upon him, wrapping your arms around his neck as you hug him tightly. The man must have been thoroughly taken back by your sudden moves but only a moment passes before he’s melting into your embrace, any trace of anger having immediately been wiped from his system.

    “You can get in on this too Bucky,” You mumble from your place in Steve’s neck. There’s an almost disbelieving chuckle and suddenly another pair of arms wrap around you, making the hug that much better. Bucky’s head nuzzles against yours and your unable to stop the happy chuckles that falls from your lips as Bucky sweetly kisses your lips, soothing any nerves or fear you previously had.

   “Save some for me Barnes,” Steve chuckles as Bucky breaks away, licking his lips deliciously. Without a moment to waste Steve kisses you, his lips just as soft and sweet as Bucky’s. at this point you felt high on whatever was in the air right now, lust? Love? Whatever it was you were definitely feeling it but the sudden thump of music floors below you pulls you out if your almost high. You pull away from Steve, much to his dismay.

   “Bucky, what about your party?” Bucky smirks as he takes your hand, gently guiding you out of Steve’s embrace and down a hall.

   “I was thinking we could have a little party Of our own,” The soldier gives you a little flirtatious wink.

   “But what about everyone else and-”

   “What birthday boy wants birthday boy gets, right?” You nod your head, biting your lip. “And I want you naked and on my bed in a minute, you Better be ready for us doll,” Bucky smirks as he gives your ass a light smack as you walk into his bedroom, more like jump into the room due from the almost heart attack Bucky caused you. “One minute doll,” Bucky gives you one last wink as he closes the door, leaving you to get ready for not only him but Steve as well.

   You bite your lip as your fingers tremble to remove your shirt. You didn’t even know what you were to Bucky and Steve, special, you knew that much but that was it, there was nothing else to go on. But one thing was for certain at this point; this was going to be one hell of a night.

~Extended ending~

    Two pairs of arms wrapped around your waist snugly, two warm chest pressed against you, one to your front and one to your back. You hum softly as you nuzzle into the closest body; Steve. His warmth radiated off his body in waves, overtaking the freezing room and keeping you more than warm. Bucky was pressed behind you, his scruffy face nuzzled into your neck, his breath gently hit your skin as he breathed in and out.

   You groan softly as you try to stretch your limbs but with two super soldiers glued to you that was kind of hard.

   “Bucky- Steve,” You poke each man’s cheek in an attempt to wake them up. “Come on, I gotta go make breakfast,”

   “You don’t have to make breakfast,” Bucky whispers into your neck as he pulls you a little closer. Apparently a poke to his cheek had been enough to wake him up unlike Steve who was now burrowing into your chest like a dog or cat of sorts. “You can lay in bed with us for the rest of the day,” You smile softly as Bucky kisses your ear, his lips barely fluttering against your skin.

   “So no coffee or bacon?”

   “There’s that pancake house down the road, once Steve gets his lazy ass up we’ll go there, sound good?” You go to reply when suddenly an equally sleepy voice penetrates the air, making both you and Bucky chuckle softly.

   “I’m awake you ass,” it was times like these, when the three of you could simply be- no worry of the media or the other avengers, no worry about hydra or aliens from other dimensions- that you realized you loved your boys more than anything in the world.