Sara can be difficult. And it is so cool to play this character. You know what I mean? And that she is a character, but she is, she is very focused, she has poor social skills, she can be way too serious, she won’t ever give up, she’ll get stuck on something and not give up until it’s settled. And she never gives up on love. Like a steady, steady mule. I love her, I love her. I’m going to miss her.
I was gonna wait to post this tomorrow, on the 20th with just the right words to describe my feelings on this not-so-happy anniversary, but all I’m feeling is a very strange mixture of sadness and happiness. Sad over what’s happened, but looking back, I couldn’t be happier over the love and the memories they not only shared with each other, but us as well. They really loved each other, and I know they still do. I’m going to take this time to remember that, and look to the future with more hope and faith and I hope y'all can join me in that :)
People who play roller derby love it. They love it love it. And it makes sense because, while it’s an amazing sport, it asks a lot of you - physically, mentally, schedulely (new word, TM me). You have to really love something to be willing to give so much. My teammates get so excited by pretty much anything related to the sport - Practices! New skates! New wheels! Scrimmaging! Our bouts! Other teams’ bouts! Roller derby conventions! All of it.
Toward the end of last season I started to accept that I just didn’t feel that way. I felt like I was taking crazy pills - what was I missing? I really really liked roller derby, but I wasn't in love with it like everyone else seemed to be. It was weird to feel such a disconnect between you and everyone around you and to not be feeling what was clearly a great feeling to have.
If this were an activity like, say golf, that one partakes in only once in a while, that would be one thing. You don’t exactly need burning passion to hit the driving range or play nine holes occasionally. You do need passion to head to practice at 9:30 on a Monday night at a roller rink in Newark, particularly when you’re going to be asked to push yourself hard, and where there is a very real chance you’ll leave in some sort of pain (and not be able to find a parking spot when you get home). There are so many things I want to try and do that spending at least two nights a week doing something that isn’t a huge love doesn’t make sense, as much as I might want it to. (Homegirl’s got stand-up classes and tennis lessons to attend to.)
I decided I wouldn’t return to the team this year. I was worried I’d feel like I was giving up, but I really don’t. I played a full-contact sport for two years while training for two marathons. I’m comfortable with that as sufficient evidence of my tenacity. Sure, I was never awesome, and I’m sure if I had more talent I might love it more. I was okay with not being great, though (I swear!) but I had to face that I lacked the drive or desire to even try to get better, and what’s the point if I’m missing that too?
Roller derby remains a really amazing thing of which to have been a part, and I did have a lot of fun, meet great people and do things I never ever anticipated doing (I mean, I was lead jammer. Dreams do come true!). There is nothing to regret about the experience, even the part where it ended up not being something I love.