to all the new Slytherins that will join us at hogwarts today…

  • you are not evil
  • you are not bigoted
  • you are not hateful
  • you are not manipulative
  • you are not selfish
  • you are not cruel
  • you are not cowardly

and I wish every single one of you ambitious, determined, cunning, resourceful, wonderful people a fantastic year

[ gryffindor ]   [ ravenclaw ]   [ hufflepuff ]

study like a gryffindor: break out the good snacks and pump the music, use breaks as a time to work out, go to the professor’s office hours when you have questions, be confident in your ability to succeed

study like a hufflepuff: organize study groups, do your readings in your comfiest sweaters, write your own notes and study guides from the textbook, be unafraid of the hard work that studying takes

study like a ravenclaw: think critically when re-reading notes, quiz yourself while brushing your teeth, tackle the hardest practice problems, know that you have the skills to get it done

study like a slytherin: use every resource available to study, use your notes to make your own lecture, challenge yourself by setting goals even if you’re not sure you can achieve them, be proud when you do well

Hufflepuffs ARE:

  • hardworking
  • loyal
  • dedicated
  • kind
  • patient
  • honest
  • great finders

Hufflepuffs are NOT:

  • useless
  • talentless 
  • unwanted
  • spineless
  • pathetic
  • losers

don’t be ashamed; no matter what anyone thinks, you guys are awesome

[ gryffindor ]   [ slytherin ]   [ ravenclaw ]

Minerva Mcgonagall: You say you have nothing to do with this Dumbledore’s Army? Are you lying?

Harry Potter: That really depends on your definition of lying.

Minerva Mcgonagall: I define it as not telling the truth. How do you define it?

Harry Potter: …reclining your body…in a horizontal position.

Minerva Mcgonagall:

Harry Potter:

Minerva Mcgonagall: Get out of my office.

Harry Potter: Absolutely.

Shit Slytherins Say: #177

Slytherin: I don’t do any kind of relationship.

Hufflepuff: *exists*

Slytherin: Shit.

Dear Future Hogwarts Student...

Congratulations for getting accepted into the most Magical Place On Earth™ !!! Starting Tomorrow, this means you’re no longer a stupid goddamn Muggle, but a wizard (and that’s totally kickass).

It’s also more dangerous (and embarrassing) than an Apple Store on Black Friday, so if you want to survive to actually do any of those spells they advertised on the brochure, here’s some tips:

  • never go to the bathroom alone. 
  • (particularly the girl’s bathroom)
  • yes, the Forbidden Forest has unicorns. it also has giant-ass spiders. choose wisely.
  • no, not everyone in Slytherin is an evil douchecanoe. but make no mistake, they can and will kick your ass.
  • “YEET”-ing is only allowed at Quidditch matches and in the Gryffindor common room.
  • don’t bother trying to get snape fired. it never works
  • not to mention, he will know
  • the paintings are gossiping hoes, don’t trust them
  • never diss a weasley. it may seem funny now, but it definitely won’t once the other 20 show up 
  • Slytherins may have dark magic, but Hufflepuffs have dank memes. consider yourself warned.
  • dumbledore may seem high as fuck. that’s because he is. it’s best not to question it.
  • if you see a malfoy and a potter in the same room, walk away
  • you can answer the Ravenclaw riddle’s literally, if you want. (but everyone will haze you for being a pussy ass)
  • Schrodinger’s Empty Classroom dictates that you never really know if there’s a couple of horny teenagers making out in there. if so, have fun getting hexed
  • no matter how long the line is, taking the Hogwarts Elevator is always better. fuck the moving stairs 
  • stay in bed for Halloween, if you can. the pumpkin pasties aren’t worth it (and were probably poisoned that day anyway)
  • don’t try escaping the hospital wing. madame pomfrey is authorized to use force
  • the quidditch-related death count only included players who died during the game. remember that
  • someone saying “IF SHE BREATHES, SHE’S A THOT” is not a good reason to duel it out in the hallway.
  • it’s totally worth getting expelled tho 

and finally, no matter the house, background, race, or name, everyone at the school is awesome. there’s no doubt you’ll have the time of your life.

just remember that they’re also all hormonal teenagers with murder sticks, or equally unstable adults.

good luck and goodnight