grumpy dan

Confident

Words: 2k+ (2920)

Warnings: Smut

Summary:

Dan is trying to avoid a much too friendly Phil. But when Phil accidentally offends Dan, he tries to make it up to him, much to Dan’s shock and horror. Through Dan’s confusion, things get heated.

___


“Dan? Where’d you go?”

I cursed under my breath, ducking into the first doorway I came across. A guest room, by the looks of it. What kind of excuse could I even use in here? I mean, besides… Those ones. I’d really rather not use those ones.

“Are you down here?”

Frantically, I clambered onto the bed, pulling out my phone in a last ditch effort to look casual as Phil Lester appeared in the doorway. Immediately upon spotting me, his face broke into a bright smile. I scowled.

“Hey! I’ve been looking for you!” He grinned, walking over and inviting himself into the bed. “Whatcha doing in here?”

Avoiding your stupidly bright personality, you oblivious idiot. But of course, I didn’t say that. “Welding,” I muttered instead, opening Tumblr in search of something to distract myself with. He leaned over my shoulder, uncomfortably close to me as he scanned my phone screen.

A porn clip appeared on my dash, and I scrolled past it as fast as I could. The only thing more awkward than trying to avoid the friendliest guy in school at the biggest party of the year? Watching two guys masturbate with said annoyingly friendly guy. It was a few more seconds before either of us spoke, the silence going on unusually long compared to Phil’s usual insistent attempts to befriend me.

“Have you ever done that before?” His voice made me jump, and I nearly dropped my phone. Turning to him with a confused look, I was met with a curious little smile.

“What?” I questioned, genuinely confused as to what he was going on about. We hadn’t even been talking! Was he asking if I’d ever welded? Can’t he pick up on sarcasm??

Phil took my phone, and scrolled up until he came to the masturbating couple again. He turned the phone back to me, tilting his head and silently repeating the question. I gaped at him, in a state of shock. Did he just-

Some kind of inhuman shriek clawed it’s way up my throat, and I shoved him away from me. I was aware of my phone clattering to the floor, but honestly, I was too mortified to care. “Lester! You… You can’t just ask someone if they’ve ever masturbated with someone else!” He just grinned, falling back against the pillows and shrugging.

“Why not? I’ve done it, heck, I’ve even gone further than that,” It was the way he said it, like it was a comment about the weather, or something completely natural to share with random people. I glared at him.

“No, I haven’t. And I don’t wanna know how many people's​ genitals you’ve had up your butt.” Phil blinked, staring at me for a second, and for once I thought I’d managed to stun him to silence. Then he dissolved into laughter.

It wasn’t a giggle, either. He was clutching at his sides, gasping for breath as his fit of mirth wracked his frame. Feeling mocked, I scowled at the blankets, making to get off of the bed and go find somewhere else to hide. A shaky hand grabbed my arm before I could get very far.

“Wait,” He gasped, trying to pull himself together. “Wasn’t laughing at you! Just… The way you said it, oh my god, you’re such a virgin!”

Crossing my arms grumpily, I shot an unimpressed look his way. At this rate, my face might never look cheerful again. “That doesn’t make me feel better,” I snapped. He knows I’m not social. “Some people have less of a selection to pick from, in case you couldn’t tell from your ignorant joy bubble.”

His expression sobered immediately. “Dan, I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad, I promise!” I refused to look at him, choosing instead to point my already dissolving pout at the bed. Stupid apologetic face, he makes it nearly impossible to just keep being mad.

Unbeknownst to me, Phil was intent on getting me to forgive him. I found myself falling backwards, his body hovering over mine, held up by his arms on either side of my head. “Lemme make it up to you!” He insisted. My eyes widened, and I spewed out a stream of protests and stuttered questions that I’m sure nobody could’ve understood. He nudged my chin with his nose. “Please?”

I closed my eyes, deciding that I’d rather not see Phil that close. I expected him to move back, or speak, or even hug me like the weird sap he was.

I did not expect him to press his lips to mine.

I went still, suddenly realizing what closed eyes at that proximity means to most people. His warm, slightly chapped lips were moving gently over mine, and I felt his fingers cup my cheek. What do I do ohmygod. Phil is kissing me. My disgustingly nice classmate is kissing me, as some kind of apology?

Out of pure shock and my inability to think up a better solution, I found myself kissing him back. My movements were much less enthusiastic, but it seemed to egg him on anyways. This is not acceptable… There’s no way this is happening! I opened my mouth to speak, not thinking about what the consequences might be.

Something hot and wet slipped between my lips, brushing through my mouth and twisting with my tongue. Phil’s tongue… I wanted to say that it was disgusting, but the way he searched my mouth was causing most of my blood to begin moving south, no matter how hard I tried not to let it. My focus was slipping.

I let out a startled squeak as Phil gripped my waist, flipping us over so that I was straddling his hips. It was suddenly dreadfully obvious me how this was affecting him, because I could feel him pressing up under my body.

He groaned softly, wasting no time in fisting my shirt between his fingers and pulling me back down for another kiss. Except… He didn’t kiss me immediately.

My eyes widened as Phil nibbled on my bottom lip, staring up without shame. Oh. I whimpered weakly. Those stupidly blue eyes… Pulling my bottom lip out, he released it and watched with a self-satisfied smile as it pinged back into place. I was tempted to wipe that grin from his face with an insult, but he swept in to connect our lips again before I could.

This time was a rougher kiss, full of bitten lips and clashing tongues. You hate him! What are you doing? It was so wrong, but I couldn’t help the small noises his expert mouth pulled from my throat each time he pressed in a bit closer. I was kissing him back with equal force now because I couldn’t think about anything else except how easily his lips dominated mine.

“You’re such a bottom…” He giggled, moving to nip at my throat. I had to grit my teeth to hold in a whine as he bit at my neck. I was hyper aware of how hard I was, pressing down against his hips, and it was all Phil Lester’s stupid fault.

“Shut. Up.” I managed, gathering the strength to push his head away from my weak spot. “You are the worst, most annoying person I have ever m-” Phil clamped his hand over my mouth, effectively cutting off my words.

He rolled his eyes. “I think I like you better when you’re whimpering and gasping for breath.” Heat flooded over my cheeks. In an attempt to get his hand off of my mouth, I assaulted it with my tongue.

He did pull it away, slowly, looking over the sheen of spit that now coated his palm. Then he looked back to me, reaching over to play with the button on my jeans. “I think I know what will shut you up…”

I squeaked in surprise as he undid them, tugging them off fairly easily before doing the same with my underwear. “Wait, I don’t-” I was cut off again when Phil’s wet hand wrapped around my length. A breathy moan was ripped from my throat.

“Le-ester… I-Is this some k-k-kind of messed up ap-pology?!” I stuttered out, bucking up against his hand. He simply rolled his eyes and pressed his lips to my ear.

“The first kiss was, now it’s just because you’re hot. And it’s Phil.”

Grasping desperately at a chance to annoy him, I forced myself to ignore my blush and how good it felt to have him talking against my skin. “N-no.”

He paused, tightening his grip around my base, and causing me to gasp. “Did you say… No?” Something in the tone of his voice made me want to apologize, although I wasn’t quite sure why.

“I…” Swallowing, I forced myself to spit the words out. “Yes.. that’s what I said.” The next few seconds happened so fast. Phil’s hands disappeared from where I wanted them, instead catching my wrists and holding them to my thighs. This kept my legs in place too, and I suddenly found myself unable to gain any friction.

“Lester!” I intended it to be more of a growl, but my voice was suddenly high pitched and needy as I realized how helpless I was. What’s happening to me? Suddenly I’m so… Not in charge.

“What was that?” Phil’s voice was low. More commanding in a way that left me whimpering and shifting on his lap. I felt instantly ashamed, like I’d disappointed Phil. Which I shouldn’t care about!

“I…”

“Do I need to punish you? You’re not being very good…” He looked me over. Phil, despite being underneath me, was very intimidating. In a dominant way. Which I couldn’t bring myself to hate.

I squirmed under his intense gaze, panting and trying to reel in my thoughts enough to speak. “Please, just… I need…” Helplessly, I rolled my hips up and pleaded with my eyes. He smacked my thigh, reprimanding me.

“Daniel.”

My self control shattered. “Please, Phil! Sir.. I’ll be good!” I pleaded, loud and high-pitched. He released my hands, pulling me down into a bruising kiss that quite clearly showed how he felt about sir.

“I’ll make you feel good now, okay?” He mumbled against my lips. I could only manage a weak mewl in response as his hand slid up my thigh to wrap around me again. His eyes were so much darker now, sparking some kind of instinct to make him just as desperate as I was.

Relaxing into his touch, I assumed the most helpless position I could; spreading my legs to expose myself, dreadfully hard and leaking against my stomach, and looking down at him through my eyelashes. “Want you to make me come, Daddy,”

He stopped abruptly, a surprised yet predatory sound bubbling up from the back of his throat. “What… What did you-”

“Want you to feel good too.” I added, grinding down against his bulge as innocently as I could. He choked out a gasp, closing his eyes in an attempt to hold himself together. I pouted. That’s not what I wanted. Leaning down so that my mouth hovered above his, I whispered again. “Wanna feel you claim me, Daddy. Wanna come so hard I scream your name, let everyone know who I belong to.”

“Y-yeah?” I shivered at the hoarse tone of his voice, pressing a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth.

“Yeah.”

He moaned, bringing a hand up to the back of my head and kissing me properly. His mouth effortlessly dominated mine, distracting me completely until a something cold and slicked pressed against my hole.

I jumped involuntarily, only helping to force the digit further past my rim when I landed. It felt… Weird. I experimentally rolled my hips back, trying to adjust to the intrusion, forgetting that I was being watched very carefully. Then I lifted my body up a bit and dropped down. Immediately heat shot up my spine, driving me to repeat the action until I was bouncing and moaning uncontrollably. Brought out of my daze by a gruff curse, Phil pressed another finger into me.

“That’s so hot,” he mumbled, curling his fingers so that they brushed a spot that made me jerk. “Your pretty little hole was just made for my fingers.” I couldn’t control my breathing, the intense electricity coursing through my veins was too distracting.

“Wh-nng… Where’d you g-get the lube?”

“The pocket of my jeans,” He smirked, and I blushed so hard that the room seemed to get a few degrees hotter. Phil’s fingers were still moving, and he pushed another one in slowly while I was distracted so that a weak mewl escaped my lips. “Bet you love this, letting me see how vulnerable you are, riding back on my fingers like that.”

He was right. It was exhilarating, knowing that he could see just how worked up I was. I could feel the wave building, threatening to crash down any second now. Letting my eyes flutter shut, I slowed my movements from a frenzy to a slow burn, getting closer, closer-

Phil pulled his fingers away, once again pinning my wrists so that I couldn’t move. I wanted to scream, or cry, or anything that would show how sexually frustrated I was feeling.

“Please… Daddy, please, please..” He tugged me down into another kiss, but this one was gentle and sweet as he moved me up to sit on his stomach instead of his hips. I was vaguely aware of some fumbling on his part, as well as a couple groans, but I was far too invested in rambling constant pleads against his lips. Abruptly, he broke away, instead moving to pant against my neck as the wet sound of skin on skin picked up from behind me.

The hypersensitive skin jumped to life under his heavy breathing, somehow turning me on even more than I already was. Which was ridiculous, considering that I was almost at my breaking point. Phil, always one step ahead of me, gave a quiet noise of pleasure as his other hand snuck back to my length.

“I wish… Wish I could just have m-my way with you here,” He gasped, twisting his hand in a way that made me choke on my own breathing. It was a few seconds before his words registered, my comprehensive skills sluggish from his touch. The coil of heat in my stomach tightened as I considered various images flashing through my mind.

“Do it,” I whimpered, bucking my hips forwards into his fist. He simply groaned and sped up his hands, pushing me towards my climax as fast as he could.

“Not now… Gotta be special for your first time,” He rambled weakly. I was about to protest, even beg if it came to it, when Phil simultaneously sucked the skin on the side of my neck into his mouth and slid his thumb through my slit.

I came with a mewl, spilling over his fingers, a constant stream of Daddy and Phil bursting from my lips. Sometime during when I was coming down from my high, my lower back was painted with streaks of white as Phil fell over the edge after me. Once my haziness had cleared, I was assaulted with overstimulation due to the fingers which were still working over me just as feverishly as before.

“N-n-no… Hnng- too much! T-too mu-uch…” I writhed in discomfort. Phil watched with a fascinated look for a few more seconds before he finally withdrew his fingers and let me collapse on top of him.

“Hot,” He whispered to himself, and I couldn’t help but blush. My eyelids felt heavy, my energy spent, and I hummed gratefully when he pulled a blanket up to cover our bodies. Pressing a tentative kiss to my forehead, he spoke again. “How was that? Okay?”

“I don’t think anything is supposed to feel that good. You’ve ruined sex forever, I bet.” I grumbled. “Why do you have to be so annoying, and hot. God, you make me wanna become a camboy just so I can watch you watch me tease myself.”

I didn’t even realize what my exhausted mind had said until Phil chuckled, pulling my body flush against his in a tight embrace. “You’d be into that?”

I was going to die of embarrassment, I was sure. “I… Maybe, I don’t know?” I squeaked. He rubbed comforting circles into my hips, likely noticing how mortified I felt.

“Mm… Kinky. Not sure if I could share you, though…” He mused. “What about a sexy Skype call? Would that satisfy you?” Was he actually serious? Arousal swirled between my legs, but I was too tired to actually think about a round two. But god, that’d be hot…

My mouth seemed to have a mind of its own at this point. “Yeah, wanna show you how hard you get me.” Phil’s fingers tightened on my hips, clearly visualizing what I might do. He huffed out a heavy breath.

“Saturday work for you?”

“Yeah.” I yawned, snuggling into his chest with a content sigh. Maybe I was tired, maybe it was post-orgasm Dan talking, but I couldn’t help adding one more thing. “Daddy?”

Phil’s breath caught in his throat. “Yes, sweetheart?” I smirked to myself, knowing exactly how to make him look forwards to this just as much as I already was.

“Wait until you see my lace.”

(don’t mind me just jotting down ideas for a oneshot I might write for @incaseyouart’s elf!phan au)

• established canon: dark elf dan and plant elf phil

• phil traveling south through (dark??) woods; searching for healing plants (unknown reason - most likely sick family)

• dan grumpy and patrols - finding a glowing phil

• phil is very quirky and happy, throws dan for a loop, but quickly warms up to him and even allows phil to call him “dan” (prefers howell)

(this point on is not established canon, own ideas)

• phil doesn’t really ask for dan’s aide, but after running into a Shadow Beast in the forest dan decides there’s no way in hell he’s leaving this glowing plant boy by himself

• dan pretends he’s just going along because “it’s his job to watch strangers that wander into the dark forest” but phil knows

• cue the pair going on adventures through the forest together, trying to find the ultra rare plant phil needs but also having an adventure along the way

• phil teaches dan about various plants and their properties, he can be a bit all over the place sometimes

• one time he gets genuinely upset bc a chipmunk wouldn’t take his nuts and dan laughed for the first time in months

• dan finds phil gazing at the stars and says the stars are much more visible here; dan lays down with him and he teaches phil about the stars

• one day it rains and (dan canonically doesn’t like the rain) phil yells with joy and runs out into it, dancing in the puddles

• “how can you not like the rain? it brings life and leaves a rainbow afterwards!”

• dan has a hollow branch that can be played like a reed flute and after enough begging from phil he plays songs for him

• turns out dan always wanted to play but the elders chastised him when he was young once so he became too afraid to pursue it

• once dan’s initial grumpiness fades, he’s curious about everything, including (canon: phil’s head plant)

• dan discovers that phil is actually very knowledgeable about many things and teaches phil in return about the life of dark elves, which phil finds fascinating bc dark elves tend to shun outsiders and not talk about themselves

• one day a large Shadow Beast attacks them, and dan displays his dark magic in front of phil for the first time to protect him

• dan was afraid to do so before in fear that phil would find his magic scary

• it’s quite the opposite; phil is ecstatic and gushes about the “telekinetic-like powers” that dan possesses

• dan is injured in the fight and finds that phil has magic of his own: healing magic

• phil (canon: he glows) also radiates heat, and after this realization dan soaks up as much of it as he can

• they meet a few other dark elves, and dan pushes phil behind him so he can speak to them. they’re wary of phil in the forest but dan gets angry when they demand him to get out.

• phil says quietly that perhaps he should just leave the forest but dan’s heart twists bc he didn’t realize how much he loved travelling with phil and grabs his hand, asking him to try and sort it out with his people

• dan talks to the others after cooling off and they reluctantly agree to let phil find his plant before he leaves

• dan is relieved but keeps an extra watch on phil after that, because he’s sure the rumor must’ve spread back at the village

• now the pair must find this plant quickly, and phil starts seeming more and more worried about whoever the plant’s for

• and anyway it’s pretty obvious I’m obsessed with this idea now so I won’t say anything more and start writing

SOS - phandomlittlepop

Title: SOS

Drabbler: thatsmistertoyou

Beta: larryfravan

Doodler: @firedawnleafpool - art coming this Sunday!

Warnings: Copious amounts of swearing and pancakes

Summary: Dan’s actual job is working at Louise’s diner, but he could make a career out of saving cute dark-haired strangers from dates with assholes.

A/N: Thanks to the ever-wonderful @philslesters for her help with this. It’s about damn time I plucked up the courage to post 1k of fluff. This is my first time doing PLP and it was a lot of fun :)

“I understand why people do it, but the business side just doesn’t work, Phil,” the asshole at table four explains, and Dan’s a bit miffed for having missed that much of the conversation. He has no idea what Jerkface is on about.

“More Coke?” Dan asks Blue Eyes - or Phil, assuming Dingbat has his name right.

Keep reading

Don't Tell Phil!

Summary: Dan comes home drunk and Phil is less than thrilled. 

Genre: Pure fluff

Warnings: Swearing

Word Count: 1552

A/N: This is just a short fic I wrote based very loosely on something that happened with my sister and her boyfriend and I thought it was v cute so I wrote a fic about it. Enjoy! xx

Keep reading

Sleep Talk [Dan]

Title: Sleep Talk [Dan]

Summary: Dan and Phil chat for a bit at 3:27am, but only one of them is actually conscious.(Sleeping!Dan, Grumpy!Phil)

Relationship: Phan

Characters / Pairing: Dan Howell, Phil Lester

Word Count: 763 (short ‘n sweet, my dildo-muffins)

Warnings: M/M, swearing (it’s 3:00am give Phil a break), sleep talking (dans cute lmao), some (cute) grumpy Phil, sleep-deprivation, a very confused and disturbed Dan, frustration, if you have an issue with mail this really isn’t for you (idk some people have very specific problems), annoyance, humour (pfffffffffffffftt nah), FLUFFITY FLUFFY FLUFF, establishedrelationship yo

Or the one where Phil doesn’t want to talk about the mail. (it doesnt make sense now but youll see hahahhhahah) #establishedrelationship

**

It’s unusual that Phil is up later than Dan, but tonight’s just one of those nights where sleep refuses to dawn on him.

It’s been taunting him too; he’s tired as fuck but he can’t seem to settle down and sleep.

He gave up a few minutes ago, just laying on his back - eyes open - with a completely knocked out Dan on his chest.

Speaking of Dan, the man has his cheek pressed just below Phil’s collarbones, his features totally slack and his lips parted just enough to have breath flutter out from between them.

Phil strokes a gentle finger down Dan’s belly, basking in the silence of Dan’s room. All that can be heard is Dan’s steady breathing, complemented by the hint of snoring that Dan always denies he has.

After a few more minutes, Phil feels the traces of sleep begin to weigh his body down.

He subconsciously pulls Dan closer into him and his eyes slowly droop shut…

“Mmfph.”

Phil peeks an eye open to see Dan’s eyebrows scrunching, his face pulling into one of discomfort. He shifts a little on Phil’s chest, the heat of his position making Phil want to squirm.

He resists this urge, instead bringing a tired hand up to Dan’s hair and slowly massaging his scalp, hoping that will help calm his sleeping partner.

“Fffff… Don’t put- Phil.” Dan groans, a sleepy but unmistakable tone of annoyance in his voice.

Phil - too tired to laugh at Dan’s unusual sleep talking - just shushes his boyfriend softly, soothing him. “Shhh Dan, go to sleep.”

Dan squirms a little, his nose pressing uncomfortably into Phil’s ribcage. “Clooooooose the cupboards behind you, twat.” Dan slurs, the movement of his body creating even more heat.

Phil almost has to kick the duvet off.

“The cupboards aren’t open. Go to sleep.

It’s silent for a moment.

Phil’s body starts to relax back into the mattress again when-

“Wait, waht'er you- nah!” Dan crows, thrashing to the side abruptly and succeeding in smacking Phil in the left eye with a flailing arm.

Phil hisses and clutches for his eye, a long groan escaping him at Dan’s sudden hostility and garbled nonsense. “Dan!”

What the hell is Dan dreaming about?

Dan stills momentarily as Phil nurses his injury, not used to violence at 3:27am.

There’s quiet again and Phil can’t help but get his hopes up.

Slowly, his eyes droop shut…

“Mmm- Philllll, can you grab the mail?”

Fuck.

“Dan, it’s 3:34 in the morning; there is no mail. Go to sleep.”

“Th'postman is here.” Dan argues.

“No he’s not.” Phil sighs in annoyance. “Please go to sleep.”

“But-”

“Sleep.”

“I-”

Sleep.

“Mail’s still sitting th- love you.”

With a long, exasperated release of breath, Phil guides Dan closer into his body. “I love you too, Dan. But - I’m begging you - please go to sleep. We’ll talk about this in the morning.”

And with that, a silence falls over Dan’s room once more.

**

It’s 7:42am when Phil wakes up.

He’s running off of three and a half hours of sleep (considering it took him another half hour to fall asleep after Dan’s last comment) as he stumbles down the hall and to the table, following the smell of pancakes.

Dan glances over his shoulder from the stove as Phil trudges in sleepily. “Morning.”

Phil just grumbles, dropping his head into his arms on the table.

“Don’t need to be rude.” Dan jokes lightly, snickering to himself.

Phil - oddly enough - does not find this funny.

He’s pulled out of a temporary sleeping state when Dan places two plates on the table.

Phil jumps, startled, and Dan chuckles. “No sleep, huh?”

A low grunt is his only response.

Yes, Phil is grumpy. But - to be fair - he didn’t even get four hours of sleep because of a stupid argument over the mail.

There’s a comfortable quiet at the table as they eat before Dan slowly speaks up. “I think the mail came in this morning. After breakfast, could you go down and grab i-”

Phil’s head shoots up and Dan recoils, almost falling off of his chair. “Jesus Christ, Phil! What’s gotten into you today?”

“I do not want to discuss the mail with you again.” Phil warns.

Dan just stares at him in bewilderment and confusion. “We never-”

“We did! Last night.”

“Phil, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Phil stares at Dan long and hard, but Dan’s baffled expression doesn’t change.

He really doesn’t remember.

With a heavy puff, Phil gets up and stalks downstairs to retrieve the mail.

**