7 Childhood Issues that Affect our Later Relationships
1. Threats and fear of abandonment. These can lead to jealousy and feelings of insecurity.
2. Lack of emotional nurturing. This can lead to feelings of emotional deprivation – which can feel like a bottomless pit to fill.
3. Growing up with feelings of entitlement. This can lead to feeling as if you don’t have to live by the same rules as others – as you are special, and a bit superior.
4. Being told that you’re inferior or inadequate. This causes you feel like you’re never good enough.
5. The demand to be perfect, and to always get things right. This can leading to being driven – and incredibly high standards.
6. Being betrayed by those you trusted – so you won’t trust now, and you can’t get close to others, or let them get close to you.
7. Being raised is a way that your needs were denied, not allowed, disregarded, trivialised or ignored. This can lead to a doormat type of personality where other people matter – and your needs never count.
ok yeah the fact that symptoms of mental illness (bad hygine, unlivably messy bedrooms, irregular sleep schedules, constant fatigue, lack of motivation, etc) are associated with teenagers so strongly they’re stereotypes is actually really scary
no one cares about mentally ill teenagers
mental illness and the resulting misery is just a part of growing up
I looked around me and everyone that I knew who was going through any form of mental illness stemmed from the lack of love and attention from the parents or just growing up watching and living through dysfunctional relationships. And it’s so upsetting because our foundations were shaky so how are we going to be the unshakable pillars for our kids?
keep things realistic. you may think you can read 200 pages of jane eyre in one night, and honestly, you could…but you won’t unless that essay that’s 30% of your grade is due, you know, tomorrow.
you know your habits better than anyone. try to work around what you know you’re going to do. can you read about 25 pages without getting totally bored/sidetracked? well, make yourself do that. it’s only 25 pages, right?
try to accomplish one thing every day. don’t ever let your day slip away from you without doing anything. even if that “one accomplishment” is making a stupid text post on tumblr or revising your notes or washing your sheets…just be productive!
this is especially important for those of you with mental illness! having a “zero day” can really plummet your mood or set you in an unproductive rut.
if you really feel like you need a day to just chill out, napping can count as your accomplishment
don’t push studying off! you’ve probably heard this one a million times, but seriously. don’t. you’re not going to retain 10 weeks worth of information with one study session…okay, maybe you can, but do you really want to?
the best, low-effort way of remembering information is to, at first, review it often. right after you learn the material, review it a couple times during the week. maybe re-write your notes that weekend. then, the next week, visit one or two times, just glazing over parts you don’t really remember well. then, maybe once every two weeks, etc…by the time you get to finals, you’ll be familiar with all the information! trust me, it works.
organize your to-do’s. personally, i make a huge to-do list for the entire week. then, i delegate different ‘levels’ of urgency to it (see below.) you can do this however you want, but i do it this way to help me visualize how lazy i can be and not pay for it…
i tend to organize it by these ‘categories’ / ‘urgent levels’
is there a quiz on the material due soon
how likely is there to be a pop quiz
what’s my grade in the class like / how badly do i need that ‘a’
does the homework/assignment need to be turned in
actually doing it:
studyspo helps. okay, i know this is kind of obvious considering i’m a studyblr, but… you see that notebook you just bought? isn’t it fucking adorable? don’t you want to make some sweet, sweet note-love to it? you know you do.
don’t spend too much time setting up your work space or browsing tumblr. seriously. you know when you’re overstepping.
have some nice playlists. preferably with music you alreadyknow! if you don’t know the song already, chances are it’s just going to become a distraction.
8tracks is a great site for this! you can make your own mixes or take a listen to one of the many, many study / chill playlists available. again, take a listen to the track on your way to class or whatever before actually trying to study with it on.
instrumentals + classical + video game music are the standard
get organized. messy = stressy. seriously. organize your desk, organize your notes. even if it’s not really your style, at least try to keep things ‘in your personal order.’ try to pretend you have your shit together. you will be so much more productive & confident if you feel in control of your situation.
if you’re a perfectionist, you may want to disregard this. really. you don’t want to put ‘tidiness’ above productivity.
taking pictures of your awesome, super-nice work space is awesome motivation. give that illusion of productivity. become tumblr famous.
if you can afford it, matching stationary and cute shit like that is super awesome feeling. it makes studying aesthetically satisfying.
take care of yourself. brush your teeth, put on that nice-smelling lotion, drink water. eating healthy foods, getting some exercise, all that good shit people tell you to do…it really is important. it’s kind of hard to focus or remain motivated if you’re miserably bloated & haven’t showered in 3 days.
especially for my neurod or mentally ill followers!
i fucked up:
repeat after me: IT’S OKAY. IT’S OKAY. we all fuck up. you’re allowed to fuck up. sometimes assignments don’t get done, sometimes we don’t do as well on tests as we’d like. it’s okay. you’re okay.
recovery. alright, so, now that we’ve accepted that we’re human beans who sometimes grow upside-down…
cuddle in a blanket, and write down what you think you did wrong. did you not study enough? do you need to go to your professors office hours? write down your ideas.
let your failure motivate you! you hit your lowest point, alright? now you can focus on doing better, even if it’s just a few points difference.
you can do some things wrong. you don’t need to get an A every single time. did you understand 50% of the material? well, that’s halfway there!
you’re not going to be perfect at everything. we all have growing pains.
well, that’s all i have to say. keep growing towards the sun, kids.
I am like a tree that grows upwards and downwards both at once. I am a being that needs both the power of destruction and healing. It’s no surprise that I feel like I’m getting better and getting worse both at the same time. It’s a shitty feeling. To have this desire to kill myself only to realize that it’s only through the process of growing towards the fear, towards the storm up above me that I could surpass the anxiety of being alone, of being afraid that I’m heading nowhere in life. And just like any other tree in this world—I’ll just keep on growing.
1. Be abusive: As well as physical abuse, this includes put-downs, sarcasm, negative and hurtful comments, deliberately withholding affection, stonewalling, refusing to talk, and repeatedly threatening to leave the relationship.
2. Be defensive: Individuals who are always on the defensive are so wrapped up in protecting themselves that they rarely grow in their relationships with others. They won’t admit that they have faults and so end up committing the same mistakes again and again. This eventually destroys the relationship.
3. Be critical: While there’s sometimes a place for the occasional remark, if you’re always complaining and pointing out their flaws then you’ll soon undermine your partner’s self-esteem. In all areas of life, a critical person is an unattractive person.
4. Be always right: If you’re always right, the other person’s always wrong – and who wants to feel that they have nothing to contribute, or their point of view is stupid, unwanted and wrong.
5. Be narcissistic and selfish: The person who always has to have their own way in life, or who’s only interested in their own needs and desires has little to add to a relationship.
6. Be dishonest: Trust is at the heart of all good relationships. If you can’t be real and honest, or are not dependable, then there’s no foundation for a strong relationship. This includes being unfaithful or hiding the whole truth.
7. Be superior: If you’re quick to judge others or to put people down, or you think that you are better than everybody else (more intelligent, prettier, cooler etc) then you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache. For although we all have strengths, and we may excel at times, each person is unique and is worthy of respect.
8. Be controlling: A relationship’s a gift. That person’s not your property. They’re allowed to be themselves, with their own views and beliefs. They don’t answer to you; and they don’t have to change themselves. They’re autonomous and free – and they’re not there to be controlled.
Me(in my mind):
my mood is not up, and instead, is down and declining at a rapid rate due to external factors that inhibit my ability to remain emotionally and mentally stable and that persist to make my mental illnesses grow to be a major problem in being able to change my mood, in where I get mood swings and absolutely drown in my sorrows of wanting to severely injure myself, when I know I'm not able to
5 hrs later the BBMA’s I began to cry meanwhile listening to 봄날 and realized that I just witnessed one of the most exciting and most beautiful moments in THOUSANDS even MILLIONS of people’s lives on TV.
This award is not just for us (ARMY), but for those 7 boys who became men right before our eyes.
They made history; from being the first Kpop group to be nominated, having the most votes and surpassing JB, to being the first Kpop group to win the TOP SOCIAL ARTIST AWARD!!!
Taehyung almost cried meanwhile standing on stage accepting the award, Yoongi immediately grabbed the award with a big smile on his face, Namjoon (from my perspective) was stuttering- not because of his bad English, because his English is better than mine- out of shock, and Chim, Kook, Jin, and Hobi were absolutely speechless.
They went through the hardest things in life from mental illnesses to leaving their families, being dead ass broke, and growing up under a spotlight; they deserve this award.
I’m glad to call myself an ARMY and be a part of this fandom watching our boys grow.
I’m proud of our boys and I’m 10000000% sure you are too.
I went from growing up in a predominantly white town and being discriminated against to the point of being sent to a special education program, to graduating a year early. I am at the top of my class(4.0 !!) , got accepted to 8 colleges (all into the biology program) with up to 100k in scholarships, all while working part time and having internships.
I came from having both of my parents absent, due to drugs and mental illness, and I’ve had my own struggles with depression and eating disorders. At one point I didn’t even think I would make it to senior year. But God really pulled through and helped me take my life into my own hands. Greatness can happen if you have faith and put in work. I’m really looking forward to this next chapter, and all God has to offer. 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Katherine Langford // Things like mental illness and consent are things we should be talking about. It’s not something people should be embarrassed by. Mental illness is very normal. Growing up in an age where we’re starting to acknowledge just how prevalent it is, we need to be matching the rate at which it affects people. There needs to be a proper conversation, and people need to be informed and educated about it.
What I mean:
Adventure Time, in terms of handling and presenting complicated themes in a way that's accessible to children and adults alike, is one of the best examples in current media. Very few shows labeled as children's media are willing and able to handle themes such as self-acceptance, aging, growing up, loss, mental illness, the struggle between security and isolation, imperfection, spirituality, and accepting others (and even more) without being oversimplified or melodramatic. Not only that, the world that it's built is at once fantastical, beautiful and weird, and yet it feels like home. While the show definitely has its flaws and its flop episodes it is extremely underrated and should be given much more respect and credit than it gets.
So the last post I reblogged got some interesting comments I want to touch on, namely people stating that they don’t dislike Romance because it’s fluffy and feel good, but because it is often sexist, misogynistic, ableist, heteronormative and woefully lacking in diversity, which yes, absolutely, yes. Those are entirely valid criticisms of the genre—indeed I find them to be valid of any genre, whether it’s sci-fi, fantasy, young adult or otherwise. There is a shocking lack of diversity in our fiction and media—and not because people don’t want it or aren’t trying to make it, but because publishing houses and media can’t see the co-relation between what their marketing teams are telling them, and the actual reality that of course straight white stories are selling the best, of course it is, because you won’t sell anything else, that’s why there’s no sales numbers for anything else.
I worked in a romance publishing house for a good few years, I also worked for their erotica team, and do you know, not once did I ever come across a manuscript with a disabled person? Not a single one. There was also never a manuscript that featured a character with mental illness who wasn’t the villain, or whose issues couldn’t be Fixed With Love™(*vomit*).
The few times a story featured non white characters, it was usually “The Best Friend Who Gives Sassy Real Advice”, or so horrifically racist that our modus operandi was to nuke it from the office servers rather than try and deal with it because how do you politely tell an author, hey, you’re a fetishistic piece of shit please find God and change the entirety of your story so we can print it, (Answer: you don’t there is no polite way to tell someone they are a
fetishistic piece of shit and you never want their work to darken your inbox ever again.) when you can instead say “Sorry, not what we’re looking for a the moment” and retreat to the relative safety of the slushpile where maybe, just maybe, a hidden gem awaits excavation.
And our publishing house prided itself on diversity because we had an LGBT section, and oh boy let me tell you I was so excited when I got moved over onto that side…only to realize, there’s no w/w fiction because “it doesn’t sell well” and 90% of the m/m fiction is being written by women for women and they fired the one gay author cause his work wasn’t “what was selling” and every bisexual character I ever encountered was either Actually Gay/Actually Straight, or surprise! The Evil Greedy Homewrecker who needs to pick a side, booo hiiiiss, grab your pitchforks and burn the witch.
And I remember, I remember looking to my senior editor who was also my friend at the time, a poly bisexual, mentally ill woman and saying “what the fuck Rebecca” (yes, her name was actually Becky) and she looked at me over our skype call and said “You want to keep your job? Deal with it.”
Because you see, Marketing reigns supreme, and Marketing doesn’t give a shit about people like you and me. It doesn’t care if the neurodivergent person wants to see people like them in fiction, it doesn’t care that people of color want to be more than just the friend/villain, they don’t care that there is more to LGBTQIA+ than the L and specifically the G, it doesn’t care if disabled people want to be represented as more than someone ele’s story arc prop. They don’t care they, don’t care, and do you know why so many publishing houses look down on indie publishing and self published authors and try to call them hacks? Because we don’t give a fuck that they don’t care and we’re doing what we want anyway.
Oh sure you get the usual “but the work is so unpolished, no one has vetted it, it’s just bad, this is why we need publishers to stop the crap from rising to the top”—and yet Fifty Shades of Grey still gets a multi-billion dollar production budget and to the top of the best seller list—do you see, where I am going with this? They’re not interested in selling the best they are just interested in selling, and we are living in a society that has a system designed specifically to a quite literally straight and narrow demographic. So of course XYZ stories sell well, of course they do, because that is where the vast majority of marketing goes, to make sure you buy into it. And Romance…Romance is a lucrative industry to be in if you can get the weight of that campaign behind you…but if you can’t? Well, not only do you have to compete with lack of funding and resources, but also the pervasive lie that because you’re not affiliated directly with X Publishing House or Y Agency, you are not good enough, and no one will want to read your story.
And that’s a bunch of baloney. It’s so much baloney you can slap it between two slices of bread and cover it in mustard because the whole thing is a ham.
Do you know what I would have loved growing up? (And still would) Stories about girls who liked people regardless of gender—and who wasn’t conflicted over it because people are people and gender is fluid and irrelevant to love. Stories about people with mental health issues, where the person is still loved and shown as functional, with their mental health issues, not despite. Stories about disabled and ill people who have fulfilling lives whose arc doesn’t revolve around being brave for simply existing or how much of a saint their families/loved ones are for putting up with them. And do you know what I get instead, even now as an adult who has worked in the industry that sells these stories? I get things like Fifty Shades of Domestic Abuse, and train wrecks like You Before Me where the death of the disabled person is seen as a romantic gesture of selflessness that sets the love interest free to fully live her life. HOW FUCKING FUCKED UP IS THAT. Oh you can argue with me all you want that wasn’t
Moyes intent when she was writing it, but it damn well was the end result.
Yes, Romance is lacking, and yes it needs revamped, it needs more cultural diversity, it needs more inclusion, it needs so many things—but it also needs for people to not want to not write for it because it’s “fluffy” and cheap, like somehow they are selling their souls away.
I’ve got friends who have written amazing, diverse stories told from their point of view…but they won’t ever get them published because as soon as you mention self publishing or the Romance industry they turn their noses up. And they’re shooting themselves in the foot in doing so, because there ain’t no way a story about XYZ is going to make it in a sci-fi house, no matter who much tech you add in. On the flipside of that, I’ve also got a friend who has written about her experiences as a Black queer disabled woman and it’s filled with relationships and great life stuff and so funny…but she can’t get it published anywhere because she’s been explicitly made to feel like she doesn’t belong in the genre because her stories are too complex, they’re too different they’re too comedic…too…too…too (the list goes on). And that’s awful because Romance is a genre that is primarily about people and if you as a Romance house are telling me you can’t sell a story about people, boy are we well and truly fucked.
The biggest criticism of the Romance genre shouldn’t be that it’s too damn happy and therefore unrealistic and nothing but fluff. What’s unrealistic is the complete lack of diversity and inclusion in the genre that makes it so alienating that a huge part of our society immediately feels like they don’t belong.
And that’s a bigger problem than fluff.
So great, yes fine, Romance isn’t for you, you can tell me all the time that you don’t like Romance and I will cheerfully talk to you about literally anything else. But don’t ever tell me you don’t like Romance because it’s simple and fluffy when there’s a whole wealth of actual problematic shit to dislike it for.
And to you, yes you, I’m talking to you. You with the idea in the back of your head and the worry that you’ll never be a Serious Author because all you want to write about is romance and people and angst and fluff and also thinking no one wants to read stories about people like you: take that idea and run with with it, learn from your experiences and keep doing it some more and maybe one day we’ll have the publishing industry we deserve that will acknowledge you. But until then: Rebel and Do It Anyway.
So very late last night, I stayed up over thinking and I thought about why Even and Mikael weren’t friends anymore and my theory that Even actually stopped the friendship really began to grow on me.
Think about it.
Even is not a confrontational person. He avoids conflict or any situation that could lead to him explaining anything about his mental illness at any cost.
He has done it before. The moment he heard Isak’s comment in the locker room he decided to leave Isak. Instead of staying and explaining the situation and when he got back with him, he avoided telling him the truth about it and instead just tip-toed around it. Refusing Sonja’s calls and saying “She thinks she knows me better than myself and sometimes I think she’s right” but never explaining why. Sleeping with Isak instead of having the very important conversation he had set out to have with him.
Even before that, he only told Isak he had a girlfriend when she was standing right in front of them! And in the rave-party, he told a very elaborate lie/joke instead of giving a real explanation to Isak who was pissed at him for never telling him about his girlfriend.
When they were at the pre-game for halloween, he decided to escape while the girls were pre-occupied than to stay and actually put up with them.
His habits of drinking and smoking weed are also things that allude to him wanting to escape reality and just get high.
He even tried it again after O helga natt; trying to run away from Isak but he’s shut down by Isak’s definite Nei!
So I think it won’t be very out of character to imagine younger Even staying at home after his manic episode at Bakka, refusing to go back to school and ignoring all contact attempts from his friends, deleting his social media and starting with a clean slate somewhere else.
I’m not trying to make Sonja the villain but it’s possible that she encouraged this too, preferring to be the only shoulder Even has to cry on. Telling his friends off and feeding into Even’s fear that his friends would only hurt him and that they won’t understand him or respect him anymore.
It could be that seeing his old friends would turn out to be more traumatic for Even than it is for them. They might be shocked and surprised and perhaps happy to finally see him again.
They might smile and go in for a hug, to tease him and nag about how he left them without saying goodbye.
Meanwhile Even is all *panic mode activated* , trying to find the closest route to escape from!
I do in fact think that would be very in character.
- don’t!! tell someone who is obviously dealing with tics or compulsions to stop or that theyre crazy or stupid or a twitchy freak or stare at them or make them feel uncomfortable. like i promise i Know i look weird. it’s p common to have anxiety abt vocal and motor and facial tics and how people notice and look. but i cant help it & i cant stop it any more than you can stop swallowing! while it’s possible to temporarily suppress tics, it’s uncomfortable and borderline painful sometimes and it’s unfair and often impossible for someone to suppress them for hours
- please don’t refer to tourettes a mental illness!!!!!! its a neurological disorder, as in a permanent and inborn alteration to the brain. also: its not temporary; its a disability. telling someone they’ll “get over it” or talking about “recovery” or a “cure” is similar to telling someone born without an arm that it’ll “grow back”. my brain is physically different to yours; it’s not a psychological thing. (edit to clarify: this isn’t meant to imply that mental illnesses all have cures/recovery, or arent disabilities! they can be just as permanent and affect people just as much as any neurological disorder)
- hooooo boy if someone tells you they have tourettes dont say theyre “making it up” or “faking it” because they dont have a swearing tic. coprolalia (compulsive swearing) affects a tiny minority of people with tourettes? don’t you ever think you know more about how someone else’s brain works and let alone tell them that they can’t be some way because of a damn stereotype!!!
- “oh wow you have tourettes? do you know lots of tourettes people then? i think x has tourettes bc of (nervous tic like playing w their hair/person likes to swear/stupid habit thats obviously not a tic) what do you think?” NO!!!!! often people have never met anyone else with tourettes. i’ve been advised against seeking a support group because of the high likelihood that i’ll adopt tics from other people there (which is a real and very annoying thing) and i know others have too. it’s pretty common to be isolated with tourettes. and im not going to diagnose someone else with a damn neurological disorder because you’ve noticed a nervous tic or some habit they have or because they have a potty mouth. that’s pretty out of line.
- “(overly sympathetic, pitying voice) oh wow this must be hard for you!! i’m so sorry!” this one is more annoying than anything ??? like. like yes it sucks sometimes but i guess it also sucks that people have to like. sneeze? or cough? or swallow or blink? i and others (typically) don’t want your pity. i’m used to this. yeh, i’ll complain about my speech being interrupted or a sore back etc from tics, but. this is how i live. if i wanted pity i’d ask for it!!! (this is also often accompanied with an “i hope you get over it soon!” which genuinely is infuriating though)
anyway @ any tourettes people (or other tic disorder people!!) i love u and ur tics and i hope youre never made to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable or isolated. youre rad as hell!!
note - i edited this to be less personal and less aggressive, so i’d appreciate if you could reblog this version instead of the previous one!! & if you have any tourette’s-related questions, my askbox is always open.