growing up with a mental illness

Longs term effects of emotional abuse:

• a distrust in your perceptions

• a tendency to be fearful or on guard

• self-consciousness or fear of how you are coming across

• an inability to be spontaneous

• a distrust of people and in future relationships

• anger that bursts out unexpectedly

• sensitivity to anyone trying to control you

• the feeling of anxiety when someone lets you decide

• withdrawal from social interactions

• unexplainable feelings of shame/guilt

• unusual weight gain/loss

• changes in appetite

• unexplained anxiety or depression states

• self destructive behavior

• isolation from friends/family

• substance abuse

Drowned in moonlight, strangled by her own bra.

The thing that is getting to me the most about news of Carrie Fisher’s autopsy report is not the results themselves, but the way the media is handling it. Like it’s a Gotcha moment—like somehow we were tricked into thinking she was a better person than she actually was.

And that is profoundly bullshit.

Carrie was open about being an addict. Her opening line from her iconic stand up show (and book by the same name) “Wishful Drinking” was quite literally, “Hi, I’m Carrie Fisher, and I’m an alcoholic.”

She talked at length and in often brutal depth about her problems with substance abuse, her compulsive self destructive tendencies, and her dependencies to both illegal and prescription drugs. She wrote about it in her books, she talked about it on talk shows. She made an entire comedic stand up performance out of it, detailing the lengths she went to in order to try and regain some semblance of safety and normalcy in her life. 

She was brutally honest that every single day was a struggle for sanity after years and years of attempting to self medicate a mental illness that for most of her life was mistaken for feckless lack of self control. 

You know how they way “Religion is the opiate of the masses?” Well I took masses of opiates religiously! -Wishful Drinking

She was bright, and beautiful and bold about it. And she didn’t have to be.

Carrie Fisher didn’t have to stand there and take the shitstorm of criticism people launched at her for decades, let alone turn it into humor. She didn’t. She didn’t owe anyone outwith her immediate family an explanation for her erratic behavior over the years, nor the flack she caught for it. (Think of all the male actors in Hollywood who are in and out of rehab centers so quickly they could harness the revolving doors as a wind turbine. Then tell me the media press about her life and now her death are fair.)

But she did it anyway, because she knew it was important. And she took those bright lights of Hollywood shining down on her like a ruthless, malevolent child holding a magnifying glass under the sun—and she turned that merciless heat and pointed it at things that mattered, often at the expense of herself, opening herself up to ridicule and the severe cruelty of others who lambasted her for everything, ranging from her weight, her mental illness or her audacity to simply grow old.

Is it tragic that her addiction likely cost her her life? Yes, of course it is. Does it invalidate any of her achievements? The strength and vibrancy with which she lived her life and touched the lives of millions around her for the better? 

“I call people sometimes hoping not only that they’ll verify the fact that I’m alive but that they’ll also, however indirectly, convince me that being alive is an appropriate state for me to be in. Because sometimes I don’t think it’s such a bright idea. Is it worth the trouble it takes trying to live life so that someday you get something worthwhile out of it, instead of it almost always taking worthwhile things out of you?” 

-The Princess Diarist

Carrie Fisher mattered, her voice mattered. The things that she said and did, mattered. They still matter. And they are no less true and poignant in the light of these revelations.

Addiction is a disease. It’s a dysfunction of the brain’s reward system which requires constant management and care and often goes hand in hand with other mental health disorders. It is not simply a question of willpower or the perceived lack thereof. And while sobriety is to be praised and encouraged—of course it is, of course it absolutely unquestionably is—you cannot possibly know what may cause a person to slip or to feel like they can’t cope without that crutch. And shame on anyone who says it was therefore deserved. 

Shame and my heartfelt wishes that you never go through the things that can lead to serious addiction. Or that you are ever abandoned, derided and regarded as less than human because of it and your death turned into a smear campaign against your memory for the sake of a sensationalist headline.

Yes. Carrie Fisher was an addict, she had drug dependency problems related to her mental health. There was a time she kept it hidden, but after she made the decision to come out about it, she stuck by that decision and became a champion, for herself and everyone like her who struggles. Because she never wanted anyone to suffer like she did in order to get help. And she did it with as much grace and humility as she could manage—and a whole lot more indignity, immodesty, crass humor and love as well. Because that’s who she was and she cared. 

And that’s a hell of a lot more than can be said for those crowing over her death like it’s just deserts.

Fuck you.

People do not exist to stand up to your demands of a perfect ideal of humanity. You do not get to place that burden on the shoulders of someone then tear them apart when they fall under that weight—famous or otherwise.

Fuck you and your whole pretense at moral piety and the horse you rode in on.

Carrie Fisher was not your unproblematic fave. She was in fact extremely problematic, and no one knew that better than she did. 

“I heard someone say once that many of us only seem able to find heaven by backing away from hell. And while the place that I’ve arrived at in my life may not precisely be everyone’s idea of heaven, I could swear sometimes—if I’m quiet enough—I can hear the angels sing. Either that or I fucked up my medication again.” 

-Carrie Fisher, Wishful Drinking.

ok yeah the fact that symptoms of mental illness (bad hygine, unlivably messy bedrooms, irregular sleep schedules, constant fatigue, lack of motivation, etc) are associated with teenagers so strongly they’re stereotypes is actually really scary

no one cares about mentally ill teenagers

mental illness and the resulting misery is just a part of growing up

You being gay doesn’t give you the right to wish or tell others to die over fiction you don’t like.

Your traumatic life experiences don’t give you the right to tell others to die, especially over fiction you don’t like.

You being mentally ill especially gives you no fucking right to wish or tell others to die over fucking fiction.

You don’t get any special treatment or excuses to treat others like shit and basically subhuman because of your sexuality, skin color, gender, life experiences, mental disorders, or just because you’re having a fucking bad day!

Grow up !! Stop treating fictional characters like REAL MOTHERFUCKIN HUMAN BEINGS !! TREAT HUMAN BEINGS LIKE HUMAN BEINGS YOU DENSE FUCK !!

You can Ask💖
  1. Sunrise or sunset?
  2. Are you mentally ill?
  3. Are you physically ill?
  4. What is the most expensive thing you have bought?
  5. Do you have a job?
  6. Are you in school?
  7. Are you a dropout?
  8. Are you in college?
  9. Introvert or extrovert?
  10. What do you think when you look at your body?
  11. What have others said when they look at your body?
  12. Do you have a particular song that you feel deeply?
  13. Talk about a time in your life where you have felt most alive?
  14. Are you confident wearing a bikini?
  15. Can you look people in the eyes while talking?
  16. Has anything terrible happened to you?
  17. Has anything wonderful happened to you?
  18. Favorite part of your personality?
  19. Least favorite part of your personality?
  20. Favorite part of your body?
  21. Least favorite part of your body?
  22. Favorite quote?
  23. Do you have friendships with all genders?
  24. Do you have a good relationship with your father?
  25. Do you have a good relationship with your mother?
  26. Do you have a good relationship with your siblings?
  27. Have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member?
  28. Have you ever had a near death experience?
  29. Do you know anyone who has taken their own life?
  30. Have you ever tried to take your own life?
  31. Biggest lie you have told?
  32. Do you follow any conspiracies?
  33. Do you believe in a New World Order?
  34. Do you respect your government and the way your country is run?
  35. Is there currently any strife in your country?
  36. Have you ever been displaced within your country?
  37. Are your friendships healthy?
  38. Are you currently fighting with a friend?
  39. Are you jealous of a friend? Why?
  40. Do you believe in the Illuminati?
  41. Do you think any celebrities are associated with the Illuminati? Who?
  42. How can people tell you are nervous?
  43. How can people tell you are sad?
  44. Do you ever express your true feelings?
  45. Regrets in your life?
  46. Achievements in your life?
  47. What did people say about you in school?
  48. What did you say about people in school?
  49. Is there something you have never told anyone?
  50. Have you committed an illegal act?
  51. If you had two days to spend one million dollars how would you spend it?
  52. What were your aspirations at age 5, 10, 15, 18?
  53. Describe your first kiss? Was it how you imagined?
  54. Growing up were you in a wealthy, average, or low income household?
  55. Are you from a broken marriage?
  56. Have you been raised by a solo parent?
  57. Do you know both your parents?
  58. What colour eyes, hair and skin do you have?
  59. Have you abused drugs or alcohol?
  60. What languages can you speak?
  61. Do you conform to your societies standards?
  62. Do you cry often?
  63. Do you tell people what you think of them?
  64. Are you comfortable accepting compliments?
  65. Are you comfortable giving compliments?
  66. Is any mental illness hindering your life?
  67. Is any physical illness hindering your life?
  68. Do you keep up with current events?
  69. What’s the latest news in the world you have heard/read?
  70. What have you done today?
  71. Do you sleep well?
  72. Do you sleep badly?
  73. Have you ever hurt anyone because you were hurting?
  74. Has anyone ever hurt you because they were hurting?
  75. Have you ever had to end a friendship/relationship? Why?
  76. Have you ever stopped someone from hurting themselves?
  77. Has anyone ever stopped you from hurting yourself?
  78. Do you like your laugh?
  79. Are you preparing for an apocalypse? And what kind?
  80. Do you have any funny family stories?
  81. Are you religious?
  82. Do you like to watch true crime shows or movies?
  83. Are you interested in cults?
  84. Would you like to raise a family in your country?
  85. List some things you wanted in your childhood but never got?
  86. Is there a large age gap between you and a sibling?
  87. Are you from a blended family?
  88. Do you believe in marriage? Why/Why not?
  89. What is the nicest thing anyone has said to you?
  90. Do you keep a journal?
  91. Would anyone be hurt by reading it?
  92. Do you have children?
  93. Have you been pregnant?
  94. List your favorite movies?
  95. List your favorite people?
  96. Talk about the birthmarks and scars on your body?
  97. Do you look after yourself?
  98. Do you put yourself or others first?
  99. Are you happy today?
  100. Are you loved?
Shoutout

Here’s to the ones who:

  • aren’t sure of what they want to be when they grow up
  • don’t know what course they’re gonna take
  • know who they want to be but also know that their parents/family would not approve
  • don’t exactly have their life put together [and feel depressed when everyone around them look like they do]
  • feel lost, tired, and alone
  • are looking for their purpose
  • need a break every now and then
  • want something but don’t know what that something is
  • haven’t found inspiration
  • are under-appreciated
  • feel like they aren’t enough
  • turn away from their reflection
  • stare off into space
  • fidget in class
  • have mental illnesses
  • [add more]

Because you deserve as much recognition, love, and respect as anybody else. Chin up, darling~ (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧

how to stick your plans

by a horrible procrastinator

scheduling:

  • keep things realistic. you may think you can read 200 pages of jane eyre in one night, and honestly, you could…but you won’t unless that essay that’s 30% of your grade is due, you know, tomorrow.
    • you know your habits better than anyone. try to work around what you know you’re going to do. can you read about 25 pages without getting totally bored/sidetracked? well, make yourself do that. it’s only 25 pages, right?
  • try to accomplish one thing every day. don’t ever let your day slip away from you without doing anything. even if that “one accomplishment” is making a stupid text post on tumblr or revising your notes or washing your sheets…just be productive!
    • this is especially important for those of you with mental illness! having a “zero day” can really plummet your mood or set you in an unproductive rut.
    • if you really feel like you need a day to just chill out, napping can count as your accomplishment
  • don’t push studying off! you’ve probably heard this one a million times, but seriously. don’t. you’re not going to retain 10 weeks worth of information with one study session…okay, maybe you can, but do you really want to?
    • the best, low-effort way of remembering information is to, at first, review it often. right after you learn the material, review it a couple times during the week. maybe re-write your notes that weekend. then, the next week, visit one or two times, just glazing over parts you don’t really remember well. then, maybe once every two weeks, etc…by the time you get to finals, you’ll be familiar with all the information! trust me, it works.
  • organize your to-do’s. personally, i make a huge to-do list for the entire week. then, i delegate different ‘levels’ of urgency to it (see below.) you can do this however you want, but i do it this way to help me visualize how lazy i can be and not pay for it…
    • i tend to organize it by these ‘categories’ / ‘urgent levels’
      • is there a quiz on the material due soon
      • how likely is there to be a pop quiz
      • what’s my grade in the class like / how badly do i need that ‘a’
      • does the homework/assignment need to be turned in
      • etc

actually doing it:

  • studyspo helps. okay, i know this is kind of obvious considering i’m a studyblr, but… you see that notebook you just bought? isn’t it fucking adorable? don’t you want to make some sweet, sweet note-love to it? you know you do.
    • don’t spend too much time setting up your work space or browsing tumblr. seriously. you know when you’re overstepping.
  • have some nice playlists. preferably with music you already know! if you don’t know the song already, chances are it’s just going to become a distraction.
    • 8tracks is a great site for this! you can make your own mixes or take a listen to one of the many, many study / chill playlists available. again, take a listen to the track on your way to class or whatever before actually trying to study with it on.
    • instrumentals + classical + video game music are the standard
  • get organized. messy = stressy. seriously. organize your desk, organize your notes. even if it’s not really your style, at least try to keep things ‘in your personal order.’ try to pretend you have your shit together. you will be so much more productive & confident if you feel in control of your situation.
    • if you’re a perfectionist, you may want to disregard this. really. you don’t want to put ‘tidiness’ above productivity.
    • taking pictures of your awesome, super-nice work space is awesome motivation. give that illusion of productivity. become tumblr famous.
    • if you can afford it, matching stationary and cute shit like that is super awesome feeling. it makes studying aesthetically satisfying.
  • take care of yourself. brush your teeth, put on that nice-smelling lotion, drink water. eating healthy foods, getting some exercise, all that good shit people tell you to do…it really is important. it’s kind of hard to focus or remain motivated if you’re miserably bloated & haven’t showered in 3 days.
    • especially for my neurod or mentally ill followers!

i fucked up

  • repeat after me: IT’S OKAY. IT’S OKAY. we all fuck up. you’re allowed to fuck up. sometimes assignments don’t get done, sometimes we don’t do as well on tests as we’d like. it’s okay. you’re okay.
  • recovery. alright, so, now that we’ve accepted that we’re human beans who sometimes grow upside-down…
    • cuddle in a blanket, and write down what you think you did wrong. did you not study enough? do you need to go to your professors office hours? write down your ideas.
    • let your failure motivate you! you hit your lowest point, alright? now you can focus on doing better, even if it’s just a few points difference.
    • you can do some things wrong. you don’t need to get an A every single time. did you understand 50% of the material? well, that’s halfway there!
    • you’re not going to be perfect at everything. we all have growing pains.

well, that’s all i have to say. keep growing towards the sun, kids.

7 Key Insights on Self Love

1. I need to affirm and to validate myself as it’s hard to accept validation from others if, deep down inside, I don’t believe it’s true.

2. My time is valuable as anybody else’s so I need to prioritise what I need to do.

3. I can’t give to others, and help to build them up, if I’m not taking care of my own self first.

4. I need to remember that I’m worthy of love, of success, opportunities, and knowing happiness.

5. My opinions are as valuable as anybody else’s. It’s up to me to decide and to choose my own beliefs.

6. I don’t have to explain why I do what I do (unless you’re the police or have some authority!)

7. My past does not define me - I’m free to change and grow, to try on different “me”s, and to set inspiring goals.

I always thought it’s gonna be better when I’m older, when I’m 16, when I’m 18, when I’m 20, when I find love, when I’m able to work, when I live on my own.

I’m older but I’m not ready for life.
I’m done with it.
I skipped the part between growing up and waiting for death.

Maleficent is a dragon who cursed an infant because she wasn’t invited to a christening, this woman CANNOT raise a child.

Queen Griemhilde is a conceited, vain witch who killed a 14 year old because she was prettier than her, this woman CANNOT raise a child.

Jafar hypnotised the sultan, got himself turned into a magician, a genie, just for power and forced a 15 year old to be his slave girl, this man CANNOT raise a child.

Cruella DeVil is a mentally ill woman whose affection consists of derogatory comments, blowing smoke in your face and never taking no for an answer, this woman CANNOT raise a child.

So, let’s say Evie, Carlos, Mal and Jay grow up on an island without magic, surrounded by murderers, thieves, people who did bad things, people who are proud of these things. Let’s say, they don’t teach them to be evil. Let’s say, they teach them ‘don’t let anyone keep you from what you want, you are a queen, a dragon, a genie, you are magic’. Ben has dreams about a girl with green eyes and lilac hair, of a girl who is different, something fae, and he remembers the fairy who cursed his father because he wasn’t kind, so he asks his parents to let some of the villain’s kids stay in Auradon. Show them goodness.

When they arrive, they don’t arrive in a tumbling mess. They don’t even get out of the car, and when the chauffeur opens the door, there’s a stick thin girl with long blue hair staring at her hands, a muscled boy who almost isn’t a boy anymore, rubbing the bands on his arms, the girl from his dreams, eyes glowing, a little boy dressed in fur curled up in their laps.
They aren’t used to magic, even though it is in their very cores. So they take time to get used to it, to learn to live with death and power under their skin.

They weren’t sent to get a wand for world domination. They were sent to get a wand for freedom. So it takes them longer to realise just what their parents did. It takes talks and family day and Queen Leiah screaming at the top of her lungs (‘Get away from here, do not touch my grandchild, my daughter will never be mine because of you, how dare you, how dare you?’) for Mal to realise that this isn’t about invitations and pettiness. It’s about a woman with hair as yellow as gold and lips that shame the red red rose, growing up poor, in a cottage, falling to her death at the touch of a spindle, this is about her mother talking about the raven with more fondness than her, this is about all the things her mother did, no matter the reason.

Evie still studies with Doug, and she hasn’t been taught to score a prince, she’s been taught to use her beauty, it is all men want, get rid of them before they get rid of you, do NOT die. So she meets with Doug at his house and Dopey stares at her and then he gets Snow White, who breaks down crying at the sight of this thin, beautiful girl with hair in a colour that has haunted her sleep ('what did she do to you, was it not enough for her to kill me, what has she done to you’) and Evie realises that her mother’s stories are not about men, they are about this woman, about her sister, who was 14 and beautiful and dead. And this is about her and all the bones she can count when she looks in the mirror.

Jay befriends the only other Arabian speaking children he can find, plays gurney, ruthless and self centered and for him, and one day Aladdin picks his children up and Jay does one of those backflips where he stays in the air for too long and it knocks the wind out of him. Jay doesn’t understand because of Aladdin, he sees a thief, who is like him, but it isn’t what makes him think, tourney does the trick because they are a team and the world does not revolve around him, he is not the center of the universe.

Carlos knows that his mother is wrong from the moment he is old enough to master critical thinking. She shrieks and hits and worships fur and he spends his days begging for scraps. There’s no magic in him, no rush he gets from crossing the barrier, so he helps his friends. They have always been his lifeline, so maybe now he can be theirs.

I hate how anti-recovery this site is. Anytime somebody has some good advice/healthy coping mechanism they got from their therapist or whatever that they want to pass on to others they just get met with some fucking goon saying shit like “LOOOK KARENNN THIS IS SOME NEUROTYPICAL BULLSHIT BECKY LMAO WHY DO YOU HATE MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE LOLOLOL SHARRON” like Jesus Christ. Grow up.

along the same lines as that last reblog:

I wish people understood that I WANT to get out of bed.
I WANT to take a shower.
I WANT to clean the house.
I WANT to make and eat actual meals.

But sometimes I just CAN’T.

All the encouragement, negotiating, bullying, or nagging in the world (internal or external) will not flip the switch in my brain to “action”.

I’m not lazy. I’m not dirty. I’m disabled.

I looked around me and everyone that I knew who was going through any form of mental illness stemmed from the lack of love and attention from the parents or just growing up watching and living through dysfunctional relationships. And it’s so upsetting because our foundations were shaky so how are we going to be the unshakable pillars for our kids?
—  kissmylime 
"You make me happy"

How ? Tell me how i make you happy. I don’t see how I can make anyone happy. Especially someone perfect like you.
I’m not even happy with myself, so how can you be happy with me ?

In Defense of Holden Caulfield

I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever understand why exactly people hate Holden Caulfield from “The Catcher in the Rye”.

I mean, sure, you could defend your dislike with a classic gem such as, “Oh, he’s just a whiny, pretentious f***boy! He’s so boring, all he does is complain!”

But at that I’m just like

okay, wow, I’m sorry the incredibly depressed mentally ill teenager who has no true friends and is constantly being ignored by the people he tries to reach out to and is constantly being told he’s useless and a bad influence by his peers and has alluded to being sexually molested by multiple people as a little kid and has to deal with the pain and hardship of growing up in a world he can’t help but see as superficial and hypocritical and WHOSE CLASSMATE FRICKIN’ COMMITTED SUICIDE IN FRONT OF HIM isn’t a conventionally cheerful or likeable protagonist????

I don’t understand why that’s so hard for people to grasp; it just straight up BAFFLES me. I mean, people eke out all sorts of ways to like downright villains like Alex (DeLarge) or Loki or Ramsay Snow/Bolton, or antiheros like Jaime/Cersei Lannister, Sherlock Holmes, etc.

Why is it so hard to dole out a little sympathy for Holden, who, ultimately, just wants to protect children from the evils of the world—arguably one of the noblest and most heartbreakingly tender aspirations of all?