grouse shooting

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

———————–

1. The letter 'U’ will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,’ 'favour,’ 'labour’ and 'neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ’-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ’-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary’).

————————

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like’ and 'you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u” and the elimination of ’-ize.’

——————-

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

—————–

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

———————-

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

———————-

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

——————–

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

——————-

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

——————-

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

———————

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

———————

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

———————

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

——————–

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

—————–

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

—————

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

Larking about with her daughters outside Princess Margaret’s country cottage. Prentending to be at an opening ceremony, the Queen Mother holds a bucket over her head and Princess Margaret a jug- instead of tiaras. The Queen looks unamused.


The Queen Mother’s legendary sense of fun frequently enabled her to use humour to dispel many an awkward situation. This was never truer than during a family holiday north of the border, as one of her great-nieces remembers.
 It was a cold, wet day in August. For what seemed like weeks the rain had been teeming down in Scotland and the grouse shooting season had been wiped out. With no guests at Balmoral because there were no birds to shoot, the family kicked its heels and waited for more clement times. An air of boredom and frustration hung over the castle. Then the Queen suggested that despite the weather, they might have a picnic in one of the royal lodges built by Queen Victoria and her Consort Prince Albert. The idea was enthusiastically embraced and instructions were given that hampers, dogs and children should be got ready. The Land Rovers were packed, the family loaded and the convoy set off. Miles of muddy, potholed track separated them from their objective and the journey seemed to take hours. All became restive. Then, at last, the lodge was in sight. Everyone scrambled out of the cars and headed for the front door. But the front door was locked and who had the key? The family looked from one to another and recriminations began. ‘I thought you told me…’ and ‘I never did!’ resounded through the air as the bedraggled, rain-sodden group squabbled about whose fault it was and who would take the long road back to fetch the key. Suddenly, a large car drew alongside and the beaming face of the Queen Mother appeared at the window. An irritated Queen explained to her mother what had happened. ‘Oh, my poor darling,’ she responded. ‘But I thought you were Queen and all you had to say was “Open Sesame!”‘ Everyone laughed…

nancywheelsr  asked:

bellarke for mortal enemies accidentally showing up in matching costumes every fucking year, please? (btw i love you and your writing)

Her first year of college brings about the following things: a 3.9 GPA, the dreaded freshman fifteen, and a nemesis.

(The latter being the most unexpected. And the most unwelcome.)

His name is Bellamy Blake, and it all happens in the split second it takes for him to utter a soft, disapproving scoff in the middle of her speech on censorship policies.

She stops short at the sound, crushing her meticulously written note cards in her fingers. “I’m sorry, do you have a problem with this?”

He snorts, somehow manages to convey defiance and smug superiority all at once with the tilt of his chin. “Even if I did, I highly doubt you’d let me express it without attempting to shut me down at least twice.” Then, as if smirking at his own cleverness, “Pretty ironic judging from your topic of choice, princess.”

“Well, I think it’s hilarious that you think so,” she says, beaming with mock enthusiasm, “considering you’re the one who disrupted me mid-speech to share your opinion on the topic. But, please. Do go on.”

They regard each other in tense, fraught silence, eyes narrowed and arms crossed, and just like that, a rivalry is born; interactions antagonistic and unpleasant, arguments hissed between teeth or shouted down corridors.

And it would have been easy if it had just stayed that way, really; if Halloween hadn’t come around and turned everything on its head.

The first time it happens, it’s at a costume party hosted by a Alpha Tau Omega.

He scowls upon her arrival, adjusting the metal plating on his left arm; the bleeding red star painted over the dingy silver exterior serving as a testament to his poor art skills. “Oh, hell no. Did you do this on purpose?”

“Me?” She counters, shifting her Captain America shield to her other arm. “I’m convinced that you did this just to spite me.”

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

Imagine Steve trying to save an injured Spider-man

Explosions rained down from the sky. A fine ash settled on Steve as he braced for the next wave, scanning between the tall buildings. To his right, a smoking column creaked and slid sideways, falling with a ground shaking thunderous rumble. Movement in the debris caught his eye, a flash of red, as the second column began to lurch after the first. Using a burst of speed, Steve outran the falling column.

Grabbing the red cloth as he raced by, Steve dove for safety. White marble pulverized the sidewalk behind them, throwing up a plume of powdered stone. Tossed to the ground by the impact, they lie still for a few seconds before Steve’s head popped up and looked around.

Bending, Steve scooped up the unconscious kid from Queens.  The kid gave a loud ragged cough under the mask and began to stir. Reaching towards the covered face, Steve peeled back the red cloth.

“I’m okay, Sir. Mister Captain America, Sir.” Peter coughed again, pushing weakly at Steve’s hand, dragging the mask back down. “You can set me down. I got this.” He said.

As Steve set him on his feet, his legs promptly turned to jelly. When he passed out, Steve just scooped him back up.With another round of coughing, they made their way down into a subway tunnel. Huddled dusty survivors peered at them as they moved closer. Steve set the kid down, and told a tall woman in a subway uniform to take care of him. The whole crowd nodded wide eyed, as Steve adjusted his helmet and returned to the fight.

The fight was almost over when Bucky elbowed Steve and pointed, “Hey the Spider-Kid is back.” Looking up they watched a thin white web arc across the sky, ensnaring an alien ship and smashing it hard to the ground. After jumping from wall to wall, Peter easily landed next to them. He extended his hand. “Thanks for the save back there, Captain Rogers, Sir.” Steve took his hand in a firm shake.

“No Problem Kid,” Steve beamed back, “Good work out there.”

“Are you two really doing this now?” Bucky groused while shooting down another alien ship. “We’re in the middle of a battle, for Pete’s sake. Cut out the chit chat.”

With a wide smile, Steve pointed out, “there’s only a few left, Buck. Looks like you got it handled.”

thirty days iwaoi writing challenge
day six:
 valentine’s day

.

Valentine’s Day fell on a Sunday this year, and Oikawa hadn’t stopped whining since the moment he’d woken that morning. Iwaizumi knew because he'd been the one to get the call at six a.m.

“I won’t get to experience the joy of opening my shoe locker to an avalanche of chocolates this year!” he’d complained, clearly distressed. “I won’t have girls giving me heart-shaped food for my lunch. I won’t get the thrill of finding secret Valentine’s cards in my desk between classes. I won’t even get–”

Iwaizumi had promptly hung up.

Keep reading

duckiel  asked:

If you're still doing prompts could I request Pirate!au with Captain!Stiles? Derek can be like a rival captain or a new crew mate or something as long as there is snark :D

The captain stared down all of the men in the lineup. Some of them had bags draped over their shoulders containing their clothes and a few odds and ends, like Derek did, but the majority of them came empty handed, even worse off than he. 

The captain was tall, but lithe, not muscle-bound like other ship captains Derek had worked under before. The way he carried himself was different as well. He stepped with confidence, but there wasn’t a boastful swagger.

The captain caught Derek staring and raised an eyebrow at him. Derek stared back at him, unwavering. He was smirked at, which did knock him off balance a little. The captain jerked his head towards the ship. “Go,” he said, voice higher than Derek thought it may be. “Hale, correct?”

“Yes, Captain.”

“Stiles. Call me Stiles.”

Derek narrowed his eyes, unsure if this was a trick or a prank being played on the new cabin mate. “Okay, Captain Stiles.”

The captain rolled his eyes before turning around and heading back up onto the ship. Derek followed, unsure of what else to do. 

Keep reading

youtube

The Duke and Duchess of Gloucester are guests of the Duke of Buccleuch for the opening of the grouse shooting in Dumfriesshire (1937)

“A good time was had by all, except for the grouse.”

A message from the queen.

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

———————–

1. The letter 'U’ will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,’ 'favour,’ 'labour’ and 'neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ’-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ’-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary’).

————————

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like’ and 'you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u” and the elimination of ’-ize.’

——————-

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

—————–

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

———————-

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

———————-

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

——————–

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

——————-

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

——————-

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

———————

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

———————

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

———————

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

——————–

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

—————–

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

—————

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!