It’s scary when you question if it actually happened or not. That’s when you know it fucked you up so bad you tried to erase it without knowing. But you still feel the ache, the weight, the dirtiness of it all. And it never leaves.
I don’t want to be angry anymore. I want to be calm. I want to stop hurting people and blowing up all the time. I hate myself for it. It’s straining my relationship. It’s made my mom cry. I just lose it and blow up on anyone that’s near me when I’m mad and I know it isn’t fair but I feel like I can’t control it, and every time I go off I just get more angry at myself and it makes it worse. My anger is out of control and I don’t know how to fix it. I feel like the worst piece of shit.
Never blame people or external circumstances. Blame puts us in victim mode, making us the effect of whatever is happening around us. Taking responsibility, whether we are at fault or not, keeps us in the driver’s seat.