grooming

Grooming Tips for All My Niggas

Alright, y’all

You’re nasty. Not tryna start nothing, but y’all are, it’s just a fact of nature, niggas is nasty. We smell, look, taste and feel nasty in our natural states. And ain’t nobody tyna get hollered on by a nasty ass nigga. But it’s all good, ya boy got you, we gonna get you looking smelling and feeling fresh as hell so you can go hit the club, or hit the bed. Let’s hit it.

To get started, you gonna need some tunes. I prefer something that’s gonna get you thinking about that one you tryna talk to, like some Badu or Sade, but my homeboy be swearing by Drake, so choose what you gonna wanna kick it with for an hour or two.

Alright, let’s hit it.

1.      We gonna take care of your face first, ‘cause this is gonna take some good time. Y’all know that shaving ain’t no punk for a nigga. We naturally got thick and wavy/curly facial hair, which has trouble growing up through the skin. Any nigga who shaves knows the hell that is your face bumping up, especially under your chin. So go hit the store. Walgreens is gonna have a majority of what you need. Wherever you go though, hit it up and get you some witch hazel and some aloe vera. Less than then bones for the both. Also, get you a double edge safety razor. It’s about $25 for one, and it’ll last you forever. If you a stingy/broke nigga, grab a bag of the single blade Bic disposables, but trust me, save up for the safety razor. It’s hella good for that Black skin and hair, and a nigga don’t wanna be bumpy (and red, for my lightskin niggas) tryna step. For shaving cream, you either need to get that professional shit with a brush, or else get you some olive oil (yo momma/sister/girl got some for her hair, I’m sure). Also, a bar of black soap is made for Black skin and’ll leave you feeling fresh and clean. Ask the Black Muslims, the guys at your barbershop, or hit up AfricaImports.com for some at a reasonable price, because it’s cheap. Go on and lather your face up real good with the soap, and wash with a washcloth in your sink. The soap lathers brown, so you’ll need to wipe down the sink area when you’re done, ain’t nobody wanna find some brown mess all over your sink. Rinse your face off and get your shaving cream or the olive oil, and slather it on your beard. Because there’s only one blade on your razor, you’ll have an easy ass time getting straight sideburns and smooth designs if you want them, but also there won’t be a lot of pull on your beard that leads to bumping. Just be careful with the safety razor, cause a nigga slip once and you got a nice gash to go show off at the spot. Rinse whatever remainders off of your face. The olive oil will have your face feeling smooth. That’s what you looking for. Ain’t nobody wanna lay up with a rough face-having nigga all up on them (PROTIP though, always but a barrier between your face and someone else when you laying up together. Beard stubble is rougher than a mug on someone else’s skin). PROTIP FOR THE BALDING NIGGAS! Shave it off. Niggas look good bald, but not with patchy ass hair.

2.      Hit the showers. You need to wash it all, my dude. Get you washcloth and clean that shit up. Be real thorough especially in your private areas. Ain’t nobody wanna experience yo dick cheese or smell your ass, so especially if your expecting company in that area, clean it out thoroughly. Especially pay some attention to your ass. Get all around, in the hair if you got some, and even rinse out the first little bit of your butt hole. Ain’t no shame in being clean, my dude. Bring a pair of scissors in the shower with you: I prefer the tiny ones with rounded points that they sell for elementary school kids at target or whatever, so you don’t have to worry about stabbing yourself. You don’t need to take everything off, but if you think something’s a little uneven or out of control, trim it up. Your dick looking like Shorty from Scary Movie 2, but you want Scary Movie 1, dude. If your armpits or ass looking thick as the jungle, consider that too, but it’s not as necessary. Rinse off well though, you don’t want no random stray pubes drifting about. Also, scrub your feet down, including between your toes. Wash your hair: hair naturally keeps odour, so if you ain’t washed it in a while you finna be musty, so get it right.

3.      Pat dry, and PUT ON SOME GODDAMN LOTION. For real, ain’t nobody wanna touch up on a dry ass nigga all day (or all night).

4.      Let’s talk about your feet. They’re nasty. Here’s how you can fix that. You have two options. Number one, go get you a pedicure. Ain’t no shame, hell I got some play today sitting in the chair while my girl Nancy lotioned me up, buffed me out and gave me a clear coat for $20. You need a recommendation in Colorado, I got you. Otherwise, go get you some high-quality nail clippers and a nail file. Clip yourself down neat and even, use the file if need be. Now, slather your feet in lotion, I mean slather, and put on some socks until your ready to go. Once you’re ready to walk out the door, change your socks and wipe off the extra lotion. This should keep you mostly moist and smooth down there for a bit. Then your feet won’t be knicking and getting all up on your sheets and your partners legs. If you’re extra crusty, I recommend Crisco instead of lotion on your feet.

5.      Let’s work on your scent. Now you can keep all of those cans of Axe laying around in case you need something fast or you’re not looking to impress on the daily, but anytime you’re looking to smell fresh and sexy, I’mma recommend you get yourself a professional fragrance. Best way to do this is to first learn about notes, what you like, what you don’t like, and what smells good on you. Hit up Fragrantica.com and browse around a little bit, or go over to the department store in the mall and find the little men’s fragrance area. Smell a couple, first sprayed in the air, then on yourself (don’t mix). If you find something online your not sure about, order a decant (they’re small bottles that you can spend less than ten dollars on). Find a fragrance that both you and your target audience will think is fire. Give yourself three sprays: neck/chest area, back of neck, wrists.

6.      If you really wanna be a fly ass nigga, get yo colours right. Know what colours go good together. Look at some models at note the colours. Look at some ladies and note the colours (a lot of them have got this on point better than us, but some don’t, so take a grain of salt with that shit). Here’s a tip: opposites are good. Go find a colour wheel and look at the opposites. Red and green, blue and orange, yellow and purple, etc. Don’t be that nigga who only got one colour scheme either, or that nigga who only wanna wear black, grey and blue. Think about which colours look good with your skin, and make sure your jewellery matches too. For example, I don’t like my skin in gold jewellery or bright orange. I be killing ‘em in silver and turquoise though. Guess what I be stocking up on. You got it.

7.      Brush your teeth. BRUSH YOUR TONGUE YOU MUSTY NIGGA. That shit’s uncomfortable, but it’ll have you smelling right for hours.

8.      Hit the club/date/party/bedroom/whatever. Talk right. Treat people right. Smell fresh. Taste fresh. Feel fresh. Look fresh.

お手入れ。grooming.

はじめは嫌がっていたブラッシングですが、最近では自らお腹を見せるまでになりました。At first Dorami didn’t like being groomed, but now she really likes it.

お尻。buttocks.

足。paws.

お腹。abdomen.

鬣。mane.

頭。head.

額。えーと、どちら様?(笑)あとはお家で足裏バリカンできるようになりたーい。forehead. Um…Who are you?You look like another dog.Hehehe.

A visual glossary of braid types

More Visual Glossaries (for Her): Backpacks / Bags / Beads / Bobby Pins / Boots / Bra Types / Belt knots / Chain Types / Coats / Collars / Darts / Dress Shapes / Dress Silhouettes / Eyeglass frames / Eyeliner Strokes / Hairstyles / Hangers / Harem Pants / Hats / Heels / Jackets & Coats / Lingerie / Nail shapes / Necklaces / Necklines / Pants / Patterns (Part1) / Patterns (Part 2) / Plaid / Pleats / Puffy Sleeves / Scarf Knots / Shoes I / Shoes II / Shorts / Silhouettes / Skirts / Skirt Silhouettes / Tartans / Tops / Underwear / Veil Lengths / Vintage Hats / Waistlines / Wedding Gown Silhouettes / Wool