You’re nasty. Not tryna start nothing, but y’all are, it’s
just a fact of nature, niggas is nasty. We smell, look, taste and feel nasty in
our natural states. And ain’t nobody tyna get hollered on by a nasty ass nigga.
But it’s all good, ya boy got you, we gonna get you looking smelling and
feeling fresh as hell so you can go hit the club, or hit the bed. Let’s hit it.
To get started, you gonna need some tunes. I prefer
something that’s gonna get you thinking about that one you tryna talk to, like
some Badu or Sade, but my homeboy be swearing by Drake, so choose what you
gonna wanna kick it with for an hour or two.
Alright, let’s hit it.
gonna take care of your face first, ‘cause this is gonna take some good time.
Y’all know that shaving ain’t no punk for a nigga. We naturally got thick and
wavy/curly facial hair, which has trouble growing up through the skin. Any
nigga who shaves knows the hell that is your face bumping up, especially under
your chin. So go hit the store. Walgreens is gonna have a majority of what you
need. Wherever you go though, hit it up and get you some witch hazel and some
aloe vera. Less than then bones for the both. Also, get you a double edge
safety razor. It’s about $25 for one, and it’ll last you forever. If you a
stingy/broke nigga, grab a bag of the single blade Bic disposables, but trust
me, save up for the safety razor. It’s hella good for that Black skin and hair,
and a nigga don’t wanna be bumpy (and red, for my lightskin niggas) tryna step.
For shaving cream, you either need to get that professional shit with a brush,
or else get you some olive oil (yo momma/sister/girl got some for her hair, I’m
sure). Also, a bar of black soap is made for Black skin and’ll leave you feeling
fresh and clean. Ask the Black Muslims, the guys at your barbershop, or hit up
AfricaImports.com for some at a reasonable price, because it’s cheap. Go on and
lather your face up real good with the soap, and wash with a washcloth in your
sink. The soap lathers brown, so you’ll need to wipe down the sink area when
you’re done, ain’t nobody wanna find some brown mess all over your sink. Rinse
your face off and get your shaving cream or the olive oil, and slather it on
your beard. Because there’s only one blade on your razor, you’ll have an easy
ass time getting straight sideburns and smooth designs if you want them, but
also there won’t be a lot of pull on your beard that leads to bumping. Just be
careful with the safety razor, cause a nigga slip once and you got a nice gash
to go show off at the spot. Rinse whatever remainders off of your face. The
olive oil will have your face feeling smooth. That’s what you looking for.
Ain’t nobody wanna lay up with a rough face-having nigga all up on them (PROTIP
though, always but a barrier between your face and someone else when you laying
up together. Beard stubble is rougher than a mug on someone else’s skin).
PROTIP FOR THE BALDING NIGGAS! Shave it off. Niggas look good bald, but not
with patchy ass hair.
the showers. You need to wash it all, my dude. Get you washcloth and clean that
shit up. Be real thorough especially in your private areas. Ain’t nobody wanna
experience yo dick cheese or smell your ass, so especially if your expecting
company in that area, clean it out thoroughly. Especially pay some attention to
your ass. Get all around, in the hair if you got some, and even rinse out the
first little bit of your butt hole. Ain’t no shame in being clean, my dude.
Bring a pair of scissors in the shower with you: I prefer the tiny ones with
rounded points that they sell for elementary school kids at target or whatever,
so you don’t have to worry about stabbing yourself. You don’t need to take
everything off, but if you think something’s a little uneven or out of control,
trim it up. Your dick looking like Shorty from Scary Movie 2, but you want
Scary Movie 1, dude. If your armpits or ass looking thick as the jungle,
consider that too, but it’s not as necessary. Rinse off well though, you don’t want
no random stray pubes drifting about. Also, scrub your feet down, including
between your toes. Wash your hair: hair naturally keeps odour, so if you ain’t
washed it in a while you finna be musty, so get it right.
dry, and PUT ON SOME GODDAMN LOTION. For real, ain’t nobody wanna touch up on a
dry ass nigga all day (or all night).
talk about your feet. They’re nasty. Here’s how you can fix that. You have two
options. Number one, go get you a pedicure. Ain’t no shame, hell I got some
play today sitting in the chair while my girl Nancy lotioned me up, buffed me
out and gave me a clear coat for $20. You need a recommendation in Colorado, I
got you. Otherwise, go get you some high-quality nail clippers and a nail file.
Clip yourself down neat and even, use the file if need be. Now, slather your
feet in lotion, I mean slather, and put on some socks until your ready to go.
Once you’re ready to walk out the door, change your socks and wipe off the
extra lotion. This should keep you mostly moist and smooth down there for a
bit. Then your feet won’t be knicking and getting all up on your sheets and
your partners legs. If you’re extra crusty, I recommend Crisco instead of
lotion on your feet.
work on your scent. Now you can keep all of those cans of Axe laying around in
case you need something fast or you’re not looking to impress on the daily, but
anytime you’re looking to smell fresh and sexy, I’mma recommend you get
yourself a professional fragrance. Best way to do this is to first learn about
notes, what you like, what you don’t like, and what smells good on you. Hit up
Fragrantica.com and browse around a little bit, or go over to the department
store in the mall and find the little men’s fragrance area. Smell a couple,
first sprayed in the air, then on yourself (don’t mix). If you find something
online your not sure about, order a decant (they’re small bottles that you can
spend less than ten dollars on). Find a fragrance that both you and your target
audience will think is fire. Give yourself three sprays: neck/chest area, back
of neck, wrists.
you really wanna be a fly ass nigga, get yo colours right. Know what colours go
good together. Look at some models at note the colours. Look at some ladies and
note the colours (a lot of them have got this on point better than us, but some
don’t, so take a grain of salt with that shit). Here’s a tip: opposites are
good. Go find a colour wheel and look at the opposites. Red and green, blue and
orange, yellow and purple, etc. Don’t be that nigga who only got one colour
scheme either, or that nigga who only wanna wear black, grey and blue. Think
about which colours look good with your skin, and make sure your jewellery
matches too. For example, I don’t like my skin in gold jewellery or bright
orange. I be killing ‘em in silver and turquoise though. Guess what I be
stocking up on. You got it.
your teeth. BRUSH YOUR TONGUE YOU MUSTY NIGGA. That shit’s uncomfortable, but
it’ll have you smelling right for hours.
the club/date/party/bedroom/whatever. Talk right. Treat people right. Smell
fresh. Taste fresh. Feel fresh. Look fresh.